exsiliumlogs | ( closed ) hold out your arms, break me inside your embrace

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( closed ) hold out your arms, break me inside your embrace

Date & Time: Oct 8th, morning.
Location: Somewhere in the east wing of housing, near the meguca room.
Characters: Sayaka Miki/

fortissimos & Kyouko Sakura/

invocation
Summary: Some magical girls have friendship adventures! Some turn into monsters and try and kill people. (Guess which Sayaka is.)
Warnings: Trauma trauma everywhere. Swearing, violence, probably suicidal thoughts on Sayaka's end... a bunch of shit.

[ Waking up back in Exsilium should be a blessing, but it's not. Death wasn't enough, for what she did, but it was something; an end, if nothing more, and a way to guarantee she couldn't hurt anyone else. She was supposed to die when she finished being useful, but the music didn't stop, just morphed into screams and cries that never seemed to end — until a spear finally cut through the darkness, bringing silence and peace with it.

She's barely conscious as she stumbles into the new room assignments: she doesn't know her way around here, yet, and so she has no way of knowing where to go to avoid people. But it's immediately clear that this isn't somewhere she should be (even over the din in her head, the jumble of memories quickly becoming clearer than she wants), and she's on her way out when she sees a flash of red through one of the doors, familiar enough to stop her dead in her tracks.

The spear. The feeling of not being alone, even after everything. It hits her all at once, and her eyes immediately go wide. ]

... Kyouko.

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[She'd stopped actively searching, after a while. The long, fearful days without answers had passed and she had been reduced to simply waiting it out. Sayaka would return, or she wouldn't, and either way it wouldn't be the same for either of them. She'd have to learn how to deal with it. It was easier for her to compartmentalize, to just take each quiet day as it came. To go back to the way she was before.

She rarely visits the room they share — only long enough to check on Madoka, but even she had been scarce lately. The loss of Exsilium, and Sayaka, had been difficult on her. Madoka was too gentle for this sort of business, but that was fine. Kyouko would deal with anything that happened in her stead. She's on her way out the room when she hears Sayaka's voice, and freezes immediately, like she's been caught somewhere she isn't supposed to be.

Slowly, she turns around. Her expression remains carefully neutral, hides any curiosity she might be feeling — or fear.

Which Sayaka had come back, she wonders?]

Sayaka?

[ She hasn't had any time to consider what to say. Her memories are still hazy, but they're slowly righting themselves — and every second she stares at Kyouko, her expression becomes more and more unreadable.

So much can change in such a short period of time. ]

You knew. [ Quietly, but there's an edge to her voice — like she's one step off screaming or bursting into tears. (Maybe both.) ] You knew, and you let me live.

[ Some part of her knows that death isn't permanent here, and that there's nothing Kyouko could have done. But that's not enough to stop her from taking a step forward, shaking with barely-contained anger. She isn't even sure if she wants an answer when she speaks again. ]

Isn't it our job to kill witches?

[Well, there was the answer to Kyouko's unspoken question. She doesn't take a step back, but she doesn't move forward either — her hands rest loosely at her sides. Whatever Sayaka wanted to do, that was fine. Kyouko, for once, had no real desire to fight.

Her words come slowly, carefully. Even to her own ears, they sound distant and far away.]

Ah...what a damn mess. [She shakes her head, but her casual tone belies the way she's studying Sayaka. Waiting. Watching.] Yeah, I knew. Since that time I came back, I knew. So you're pissed at me now, I guess. [A helpless shrug. She tries to laugh, but it falls flat.] I don't blame ya.

[She avoids answering Sayaka's question. She doesn't want to go down that road yet.]

[ Something about Kyouko's reply pushes her over that invisible line, and her expression twists in anger. She doesn't understand how anyone can be so composed, even if it's forced a forced calm, and bitterness flares up inside her in response. ]

You told me I wasn't a monster. [ Her stomach turns over at the memory — at how much she'd believed it. ] What else was a lie, huh? I...

[ She can't take this anymore. In less than a second, she covers the space between them, angrily grabbing a fistful of Kyouko's shirt. Their faces are inches apart, and she can't decide if she wants to kiss her or throw her into the wall. ]

I deserved to die. I murdered two people, before you found me. [ The sound of the moving train replays in her mind, causing a violent shudder. ] You should have just killed me then.

I wasn't — Sayaka... [Something changes in Kyouko's expression, at the word lie. Her eyes widen; she grits her teeth. She had only kept the truth about the Soul Gems...about Sayaka's fate, she'd only kept that from her to protect her. But everything else had been the truth. Her feelings, those weren't a lie.

She lets Sayaka grab her without trying to fight it. She wonders if she'll hit her, and thinks she might deserve it, this time.] I didn't want you to die. [She doesn't yell, doesn't raise her voice.] This whole time, I've been trying to protect you. I kept thinking, "if she finds out, she won't be happy anymore." Here, it was like a new start.

[So she'd killed someone, or thought she had. That had been information she hadn't known about — but she couldn't judge Sayaka for it either.

Her wish had destroyed her whole family. In a way, they were on even ground now.] I know you don't believe me, but it's the truth. That's the only thing I never told you.

Edited 2013-10-06 21:14 (UTC)

[ She's the taller of the two, but she's hunched over enough to put them on equal standing. Her grip tightens as she shudders again, and she finally makes eye contact, fury and grief written all over her face. ]

Being here doesn't change anything! [ She's yelling, now; unable to keep her voice calm like Kyouko can. ] I'm still... I'm still that thing. Deep down, I'm still a monster.

[ At least being a zombie only affected herself. Dying would be one thing, but the idea that she was a threat to others, to Madoka... it's unbearable. There's no coming back from that, no matter how hard she tries. ]

I don't need to be protected. [ Who protects a witch? ] And you're wrong. All that stuff you said... if you really felt that way, you would have killed me. You wouldn't have let me hurt anyone.

[Hearing that is the worst thing. She's fine with Sayaka being angry, furious, but saying if she cared about her she would have let her die...

It's too much. After everything they've been through here, to say something like that is like a slap in the face. It's giving up. It's throwing everything away. Her hand lifts to push Sayaka back, hard, and she swings at her — it's a punch meant to hit home, one to hurt.

She's shaking; her face is flushed with rage, and it takes her a long time to speak through the lump in her throat.] You think...you think that's what caring about someone is?! Just letting them die? You goddamn idiot; you don't even want to be forgiven! You don't even try!

What happened to all that big talk, huh? About being a hero...about protecting people! You got your chance here, and you're still running away!

[ The punch doesn't hurt — not really — but it's still enough to stun, to shift her expression into one of shock. She touches the bruise at the side of her face as Kyouko speaks, staring down at the floor — then starts to laugh, her voice flat and humourless. ]

I guess you're right. I'm a coward, huh? [ There's no excuse, here, but she still can't face reality. ] ... That's fine. You can think whatever you want about me. After everything I've done, I deserve it.

[ Mami. Madoka. Hitomi. Kyouko. Even Homura, who she never listened to until it was far too late. ]

I can't protect anyone. I don't know if I ever could. [ For every person she saved, she would have hurt another in the end. Being a hero isn't a balancing act; it's about tipping the scales wholly to one side. ] Ahaha... you were right, Kyouko. I really am an idiot.

[She doesn't know what to do when Sayaka gets like this, when there's no talking any sense into her. She grabs her by the collar this time, forcing her to look up.] Sayaka. Look at me.

[She knew this was going to happen, but she hadn't prepared enough. She hadn't expected these growing feelings, that they would get closer. She'd hoped for it perhaps, quietly, in some deep place that even she couldn't reach all the time, but she'd never predicted it. Couldn't in a million years.] I'm not gonna leave you behind. Saying that stuff isn't gonna change my mind either.

[ Eye contact isn't going to happen again, but she lifts her gaze enough to almost meet Kyouko's. She's still shaking with the occasional bout of laughter, but it's bitter now, and her expression is pained. ]

It should.

[ There are hundreds of reasons for Kyouko to change her mind and leave, and any one of them would be completely valid: it's impossible to understand why she hasn't. She'd gotten her killed, after all, and all for some selfish reason; so that in the end, she wasn't alone, even when she deserved to be. In the end, even her death had hurt other people.

When they're this close, it's impossible to stay composed. Kyouko's hands are holding her steady — she brings her own up and grabs hold of her collar in return, shoving her up against the wall. It's a violent gesture, but before anything else can happen, she forces their mouths together, ignoring the mild taste of blood on her lips. It's no surprise that she's chewed them to pieces since she woke back up. ]

[It happens fast enough that she's expecting something more violent, and is taken off-guard by the kiss. It's nothing at all like the kisses they shared before, nothing nervous or gentle about it. She doesn't move at first — some part of her is shellshocked, still thinking this is some bizarre dream sequence, some kind of nightmare — but then she's kissing Sayaka back hungrily, desperately. Even now, she's still an idiot kid who believes in fairytales, she thinks. True love's kiss, like it would change anything. Like it would make Sayaka better, or change the fact that she lied all these months. She doesn't think about it, tries to ignore the taste of the blood in her mouth.

Her grip on Sayaka's collar loosens by degrees, and soon enough she's taken hold of her hips, pulling her as close as she can. The wall against her back is cold, but every part of Sayaka is warm. She's alive, that's what matters. If she just had a little more time, she could fix it, she knows. She could help her, even if it was just with this. She'd gotten so close, and this place, it had ruined all of their work.

Or maybe it had been her fault the whole time. She can't be sure anymore — she focuses on this instead, opening her mouth into the kiss, imparting it to memory.]

[ Her body feels alive, but the rest of her is fighting it. She's not just dead, she's a monster, and nothing can fix that — not this place, not Kyouko, and definitely not herself. The kiss is a reminder of all that, violent and rough with no room for forgiveness, and her grip tightens on Kyouko's collar, relying on touch to guide her forward.

But like everything else, it can't last. At some point, she bites down hard enough to draw blood from Kyouko too, and that seems to snap her out of her stupor long enough to pull away; stunned for a split second before her expression fades back into bitter resignation. It's not that she wants to, but she can't act like nothing's happened. She can't stand here and face the girl she's responsible for killing.

She shakes her head, looking every bit as pained as she feels. ]

No. [ It's that simple. ]

[Someone's blood is in her mouth. She's not sure if it's her own or Sayaka's — she knows she's bleeding, but she's too dazed to do much about it. Her face is flushed; she's breathing like she just ran a marathon. She only snaps out of it when she notices the look on Sayaka's face.

She reaches for Sayaka out of instinct, to take hold of her hands, or her wrists — anything. For once she doesn't look angry at her, or irritated: her expression is open, wide-eyed and pained.]

W-wait! Not yet. Just stay here. [The last time she'd left her alone, she'd turned into a Witch, hadn't she? Even though that danger was gone here, she couldn't ignore the way Sayaka was acting.

If she let her run off again...]

Please.

[I just need a little more time, she almost says. Somewhere, the part of her who had tried so long to be callous is disgusted at this, that she's begging a girl who hadn't listened to her, hadn't gave a damn until it was too late. This time, she ignores it.]

Edited 2013-10-08 00:49 (UTC)

It's useless. Don't you get it? [ She's being harsh, she knows, but she doesn't have many other emotions left. ] ... Nothing can change what happened. I'll just hurt you again.

[ In the end, she could care less about herself. Death isn't permanent here (she thinks), so there's no way for her to just disappear, but the least she can do is avoid dragging anyone else down with her.

Especially Kyouko. Her hands ball into fists, and she steps away; out of reach for good. ]

Don't follow me. [ She doesn't know where she's going, but if she runs fast enough, she'll get somewhere Kyouko isn't. That's all that matters. ]

I don't care. [This is admitted sharply; she takes a step closer.] It doesn't matter. I already made my decision!

[The moment she'd learned the truth about the Soul Gems, she'd known. If she had to die again, it didn't matter. At least it was on her own terms. At least Sayaka wouldn't have to go through this alone.

When Sayaka takes off, she does too.] Come back here!

[ Part of her knew that Kyouko would follow her. They're both stubborn, in their own way, and it makes sense — but this is for her own good. If they stay together now, she'll just do something else hurtful. ]

I told you not to follow me!

[ She never wanted to transform again, but she doesn't have a choice. Her cape flutters behind her as she runs; the corridors are unfamiliar, and twisting, but she can still get lost in them. She can outrun Kyouko, even now. ]

[She transforms as well, in a flash of bright red light, and immediately trails behind Sayaka, as fast as she can. If there's anyone in the halls, they'll be slammed into or knocked over — she's too distracted to care.

Eventually though, the search turns futile. She loses Sayaka's trail, and angrily punches a nearby wall.

It didn't matter what had happened. She'd find her again, no matter what it took.]

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( closed ) hold out your arms, break me inside your embrace

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