closed ☓ your defenses were on high

[otherness]

Date & Time: Backdated to Jan 29th, evening.
Location: Exsilium, snowy places near civilization.
Characters: Roxas and Lea.
Summary: STOP THROWING TANTRUMS I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
Warnings: kingdom hurts tbh

Roxas had heard raised voices and then a door slamming. Curious and a bit worried, he peeked out and saw Lea desperately slinking into the cold and darkness. Though the snowfall had let up a bit, it was still wintery and dangerous, even for a fire mage. Immediately concerned for the mood of his friend, he threw on his hoodie, tying the scarf around his neck as he shot out the door.

Lea only had a little bit of a lead. But... maybe Roxas should give him some time alone. He'd been there, too, not wanting to talk to anyone and not sure if there was someone to talk to. Unsure of what to do, he kept his distance and stayed out of sight... at least for a few minutes. Then he started to lose feeling in the tips of his ears, and remembered it was still really horrendously cold and Lea needed to come home.

"Lea?" He stepped out from behind a building and shuffled through the crunchy snow, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his coat. "Are you okay?"

Comments

[promises_to_keep]

Lea gave a start when he heard Roxas' voice--jeez, he hadn't even heard the kid come after him. Some assassin. Whirling, he spotted his friend a few yards away, bundled against the snow and hands stuffed in his pockets. He hadn't wanted Roxas to hear any of what had just happened, but it seemed he wasn't that lucky today.

"Hey, hype," he said, clearing his throat awkwardly and rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm..." He paused, remembered how he always scolded Riku for saying he was fine when he wasn't, then shook his head. "No, not really."

His head was still buzzing, his ears still ringing--this whole emotional sensory overload thing was a real drag. He felt fidgety, restless, like he couldn't quite stand still, and he licked his lips, avoiding Roxas' eye a moment before finding and holding his gaze then. He wanted to ask. 'Did you know? Have you known all along? Has this been hurting you the whole time?' But he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to ask. It sounded too similar to the same damn thing Roxas had asked him, with regard to Xion. What right did he have to ask such a thing? What right did he have to expect to be told?

So Lea just sort of flapped his hands helplessly at his sides and shook his head again.

"I, ah..." He exhaled, a visible puff of condensation in the air. "I just needed to clear my head."

Well it wasn't a lie.

[otherness]

Roxas didn't ask that question because he wanted a platitude. He wanted Lea to open up a little, to give Roxas a glimpse into his crazy red head. Roxas was still learning how to accept his heart, too. To be whole, or half a person-- it didn't matter. He felt what he felt and that was that. However, understanding other people was a whole other thing, and since Lea was his best friend, understanding him was of the highest priority.

He tugged his checkered scarf up around his nose and exhaled deeply, glad for the warmth of his breath. He could feel it seep up around his cheeks and dissipate into the chill night air. The blonde stepped closer then, until he was nearly toe-to-toe with his much-taller friend. "Can you tell me why you and Sora were fighting?" he asked finally, his voice a little muffled.

[promises_to_keep]

He forbade himself to backpedal as Roxas stepped closer. Everything in him was just vibrating, shuddering, like too much static through his veins, but he was done shutting people out. He had lost Roxas once that way and he was never doing it again. The idea that he might have been losing him anyway left Lea feeling lightheaded and sick to his stomach, though, and he lifted one hand to cover his mouth. Taking a slow, deep breath through his nose, he held it a moment, then sort of curled both his arms around his abdomen. It was less guarded than his usual folded-arm posture, more small and cold and unsure where to go from here.

"There was... something happened," he said quietly, slowly, after a moment, "on the mission we went on. Sora lost part of himself, I guess you could say." He wasn't sure how else to describe it. "He found it again--Riku helped--but he told me it... had to do with the fact that you two are separated now. He's not as strong as he used to be."

A beat of silence, and then Lea impulsively reached out and took Roxas' shoulders, shaking his head.

"Are you?" he asked, his voice quiet and urgent. "Are you guys really splitting the strength of just one?"

He searched Roxas' eyes a moment, his tongue suddenly dry and wooden; he couldn't even find any other words. He couldn't bear the thought of watching Roxas just slip away again, and knowing there was literally nothing that could be done about it terrified him. Axel hadn't really been afraid in nearly ten years, and here Lea was making up for lost time by being scared out of his mind twice in less than 48 hours.

[otherness]

Lea looked like he wanted to hide. That was what Roxas wanted when he wrapped his arms around himself like that. It was... sort of like trying to unconsciously comfort himself, and Roxas was a bit alarmed to see Lea doing that, of all people.

So-- Sora wasn't as strong. Roxas knew that, considering his own strength, but he never thought it would end up causing something bad to happen on a mission. He felt guilty immediately, eyes darting downward. He sank further into his scarf, frowning beneath the fleece.

"Oh... yeah," Roxas replied, feeling a bit like he'd been scolded for something that wasn't entirely his fault. He thought it was obvious to everyone. "But we can handle ourselves. Remember when the zombies came? If I need a boost, being near him helps."

He looked up again after a moment, trying to smooth over the revelation. "We're okay. It's not that much different than it was before, when I was in the Organization and he was asleep-- except he's not asleep. That's all."

[promises_to_keep]

Wanting to hide wasn't too far off. Lea sort of wished he could just cover his ears and shut out the harsh ringing there, to shove his face into his hood and close his eyes and pretend that this wasn't happening, that he didn't stand to lose his best friend all over again. When Roxas confirmed it, Lea felt the strength leave his arms, and his hands slid down to Roxas' elbows, his spine sagging.

No, not again... He couldn't handle it again. He couldn't handle having to choose between his friends again. The worlds may have needed Sora, he knew that, but... he needed Roxas. Didn't that count for anything? Or did that just make him the selfish bastard he'd been slowly trying to convince himself maybe he wasn't anymore?

Lea's jaw worked soundlessly for a moment before he found his voice again, his grip tightening a little on Roxas' elbows.

"So just... being around each other helps?" he asked, sounding puzzled. He supposed it made sense: when two halves worked together maybe they were a whole. He just loathed even thinking of them that way. He had dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, Roxas would be allowed his own life, but it seemed it wasn't meant to be after all. Still, if they got a boost just from being together, maybe this wasn't as hopeless as he'd feared.

He released Roxas' arms, straightening and lowering his gaze to the snow at their feet.

"He yelled at me," he said, "and... I yelled at him. It was stupid, I know." He shook his head. "I told him once that I... was gonna find a way for both of you to exist, that it wasn't okay unless it was both of you. I didn't want either of you to have to disappear for the sake of the other, that just isn't fair, you know?" His eyes flicked back to Roxas then, and he sighed. "And he misunderstood," he said. "I meant to say that I still wanted that. That I wanted you both to be whole, instead of pieces of a larger whole, and... I think he thought I meant it would be better if you guys were merged again. Whole that way."

He pressed both hands to his face, then smeared his palms down the length of it with a frustrated noise.

"So that was why the yelling," he said. "I got pissed off, 'cuz he called me a liar, and..." He flapped his arms then, a vague gesture at the both of them. "Well, here we are." He gave him a somewhat hangdog look. "Sorry, ah... I didn't want you to hear all that, really. I never expected anything like this was the cause of what happened on the mission." He hesitated then, something like injury creeping into his expression. He sort of knew the answer already, but he had to ask. He had to ask anyway. "Roxas, why... why didn't you tell me?"

Selfish bastard.

[otherness]

Roxas never questioned the way they were able to work side by side. If it let him live his own life, and if it made Sora happy... then it was fine. He wasn't going to let this opportunity go to waste. There was no telling what would happen once they got back to their world. Maybe he'd go back to sleeping inside Sora, waiting to be rescued. But... he wanted more than that. He wanted to help Sora, not just through memories but with his own hands.

It was better this way.

He saw how much Lea worried, and Roxas' guilt only intensified. He adjusted his scarf, buried his cold fingertips within the collar of his hoodie. He listened as Lea recounted the misunderstanding. "It's okay. I'm sure if you talk to Sora, he'll understand."

He shifted his weight awkwardly at the question. "I didn't think it was important," he murmured. "I thought it was obvious to everyone else that we were two halves, like it was obvious to us." He sucked in a breath, a little shaky. "I made things difficult for Sora when we weren't whole before. I should've known it'd be like that here. But I--" He bit his bottom lip. "I like this. I like being like this." What had happened to Sora? It sounded scary. Was it really better this way?

"I don't want to go back."

[promises_to_keep]

"I'm gonna talk to him," he said, scrubbing at one eye with the heel of his hand. "I'm... I'm done with misunderstandings. They've screwed up way too much before and I'm not letting this get screwed up." There was too much going right here to blow it now.

When Roxas admitted that he didn't want to go back, though, Lea felt the air leave his lungs. This changed everything. The only reason Xion's fate was even remotely bearable was because she'd said herself that she wanted it. She had accepted that she belonged with Sora and that it was better. Axel had disagreed, but he had really never been the sort to just deny his friends their wishes. He knew if he found a way for both Xion and Sora to survive safely she would be satisfied returning to them, and that was what kept him hoping for a way.

Roxas had returned to Sora willingly too, he knew that. He remembered... it had been like a dream, sitting atop the clock tower, speaking to Roxas one last time. It hadn't been a dream though, had it? Roxas had gone back because he had known it was right, and like before, Axel had disagreed, but he had pushed his own selfish wants aside. Roxas deserved his own life, but Roxas deserved what he wanted. Axel hadn't been willing to protest, especially not since he was, you know, dying himself and all.

If Roxas didn't want to go back, though... what did that mean now? If he was willing to really fight for his own existence, independent of Sora, willing to fight to be his own person, with his own strength, surely they could do it, right? If anyone could figure out a way to make the impossible happen, it was Sora and Roxas... right?

Lea reached out and took Roxas' shoulders and tugged the boy against him in a loose embrace.

"I don't want you to go back either," he said quietly. "I got my second life... and you still haven't gotten your first--it's not fair." A pause, and then he broke the hug abruptly, bending his knees so he was at Roxas' eye level, his ungloved hands cold against Roxas' upper arms as he gripped them tightly. "I gave you up too easily last time," he said, apology hanging from the words like weights, "because I thought it was what you wanted. I'd only been thinking about what I wanted, and it just messed everything up." He shook his head, his eyes bright and determined. "I'm not giving you up this time, Roxas," he said, his tone brooking no arguments, "and that you don't wanna go back either clinches it."

He would find a way. He had to. He'd been given this second chance, and he'd been given so much! He had his heart, his best friend, he had Riku, he had hope, and that was something he hadn't had in years. He wasn't willing to give up any of it. Maybe being a selfish bastard wasn't such a bad thing after all.

[otherness]

Roxas let out a little breath of surprise as Lea tugged him into a hug. It was unexpected, but not unwelcome; even as Lea pulled away, Roxas' fingers worried their way into the loose fabric of Lea's shoulders, clinging. "I didn't know what I wanted," he murmured, shaking his head. "All my life I've been told what to do, what to feel, how to live. And I'm just now learning that it was all wrong."

He leaned in then, gently tugging Lea's head against his own chest.

"So, it's okay. I believe in Sora. I believe in you, too. Even if I go back to Sora someday, it won't be for good. We'll fix this." He thought about Xion, sleeping deep within Sora's heart. Maybe she was sleeping within Roxas, too. "We'll fix it all."

[promises_to_keep]

Lea was starting to think that just maybe he could get used to hugs after all: there really was something indescribable about them. He had pushed everyone away for so long, been so afraid to let anybody even get that close that he'd completely forgotten what he was even missing. He smiled a little, letting his brow rest against Roxas' sternum, and then he nodded firmly, standing back up, hands on Roxas' shoulders again.

"I believe in Sora too," he said, though he wasn't quite so ready to voice faith in himself just yet. He ruffled Roxas' head fondly then. "I mean, if he's the other side of you, then I know he'll never give up until things are set right. We'll find a way."

They had to. Lea wasn't going to let it end any other way. They had worked too hard and lost too much to just give in and give up.

He exhaled sharply when a shudder crept up his spine, and suddenly wished he'd thought to grab his scarf along with his coat. Rubbing his bare hands together, he blew into them, then looked at Roxas over his fingertips.

"Wanna go get something to eat?" he asked. "I'm... not ready to go home just yet, but it's colder than Vexen's intentions out here."

[otherness]

"Yeah." There really wasn't much else to be said on the subject unless either of them felt like digging into the wound that was Xion. I'll come back for you, he told himself. Xion was his best friend, even if he couldn't remember her at home. Together with Axel, they'd spent many days on top of the clock tower. He knew it deep down.

Maybe those days were gone, but they weren't lost forever. Having realized his own wish, and with Lea and the others' happiness at stake... Like Sora, Roxas would stop at nothing to guarantee that.

Letting any darker thoughts fade for a while, he found himself smiling up at Lea. Roxas had learned to keep his gloves in his pockets so he'd never forget them. Even fire elementals got cold, apparently. "Hehe, yeah. Let's get something to eat, then go back." He wasn't sure of any good places, though. Lea got out a bit more than Roxas did. Usually. "Should we get something for the others, too?"

[promises_to_keep]

If Lea had been able to read Roxas' thoughts in that moment, he would have assured him he wouldn't be going back for Xion alone. He wasn't sure how he was going to do it, but Lea was determined to find a way to save her. And Isa. But that wasn't on the agenda for today.

"C'mon," he said, waving for Roxas to follow him as he turned to their right, "there's a place not far from here that has hot sandwiches. They're pretty good, I got one the other day on this really great like dark brown bread. Pumper-somethin', it was pretty fantastic. They put the sandwiches between this like waffle iron thing and make 'em all crispy." And he nodded then. "And of course we should; it'd be rude to get delicious food and not bring home anything to share, right?"

He wasn't sure Riku was going to be in a mood to cook anything after fighting with Sora, at that, and Light knew that if Naminé skipped a meal she might just blow away. Sandwiches for all it was.

Pausing long enough to let Roxas catch up, Lea clapped the boy on the shoulder and grinned at him.

"Hey, ah... thanks," he said, "for coming after me."

Between Riku waiting up for him to get home from the mission and Roxas pursuing when he left in an angry huff, Lea had to admit he was feeling pretty... well, appreciated. The idea that Roxas had once thought that no one would miss him if he walked away left Lea with a hollow sort of emptiness somewhere in his heart, and he wished yet again that he'd just had the courage to go with him that night. Lea knew how it felt now, to be missed, and he wished he could have given that to Roxas that night.

All he could do was promise, if only to himself, that none of his friends would ever have to feel like walking out of his life was the better choice ever again.