Did he? Martin watched him a little closer for a few seconds, wondering. For as much as he thought about Bariyan, he seldom knew what he could really be thinking. Sometimes the things he did or said were so contradictory to what they meant or were intended for...and there was a lot about him Martin simply didn't know. Perhaps why he would think that was part of it.

"I..." Where to start was hard enough, but keeping everything in place was just as bad. He swallowed, fidgeting a little, letting his fingers drum a couple times on his ankle.

"Well, when it did happen, it was the first time I had ever been outside of the compound. My first hunt, first...lot of things. And I got scared. Something jumped at me and I didn't move, but he did. So...thinking that way...my hunt. My, my not moving...My father, my fault. A lot of people didn't agree with me, but...some did. And that seemed enough to make it true."

Alex.

"So I didn't treat it for...what it was. That he was letting me live, not letting himself to die. And everything afterward, just..." Exhale. "Forgetting what he really wanted for me, just imagining that none of it mattered...that I didn't deserve anything good, ever. That I'd squander it."

Martin smiled painfully. "So I did in a lot of ways."

That was the thing about believing in something – even the bad things. Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.