exsiliumlogs | says, 'i could have really been someone'

Entry tags:

says, 'i could have really been someone'

Date & Time: today!
Location: steph's House of Emotions
Characters: Steph & Vanadi
Summary: vanadi stops by to quiz about GIRLFRIENDS and BE DEPRESSED
Warnings: none planned, but these are dramatic people, so

[ He'd spent at least ten minutes hovering outside her door. Sometimes near to it, sometimes down the hall, like he's going to convince himself that it's okay, it's fine, he'll leave Steph to whatever she's doing and go and be a burden on someone else. Preferably some native stranger. It feels like a good night for that — just like it's felt like a good night for it every night since he got back to Exsilium.

But in the end, he knocks. He's not wearing his mask tonight, hasn't in a while, and looks a little out of place in a decidedly non-fashionable dark hoodie. He's leaned against the wall to the side of the door, hands pocketed (and gloved, besides), gazing quietly at the door across from Steph's. ]

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[There's a muffled "Coming!" shouted through the door, as Steph pulls on a sweater over her t-shirt before making her way to the door, opening it with a polite smile in case it's a friend of Ellie's or something. Her expression quickly turns to concern when she sees Vanadi.]

Vanadi, hey. [She's still kind of mad at him for leaving Collette and Ellie alone in a bar, but the lack of mask and the hoodie make him seem kind of miserable, so she'll hold off on that for now.] Come in.

[She wants to ask what's wrong, but that can wait for a moment, right now she's just going to step back to let him inside.]

Hey. [ The informality sounds even more foreign than his usual accent. He shifts, a little awkward, one hand rising to run through his hair — and then remembers to smile. ] Thanks.

[ He steps in, looking around as if he'd see anything new. All the apartments look the same, there isn't much to examine. He drops his eyes to the floor, instead. ]

[She closes the door behind him, locking it out of habit, before resting a hand on his arm.]

Can I get you anything?

[Coffee. Tea. Strong liquor.]

[ Sex would be nice. But, gods, he is really not feeling very charming at the moment. ]

Ah... [ What's the right answer to this question, again? He closes his eyes for a moment, internally chiding. Just because he's feeling poorly, is no reason to wallow in self-pity. A great part of the Transport population just survived a gruesome war in another world, after all. When he opens his eyes again, the smile looks a little more sure. ]

Tea would be lovely. [ A beat. ] Are your roommates home?

[Ellie is really the expert at tea, but Steph is confident in her ability to at least brew a pot, so she smiles as she takes Vanadi's arm, leading him into the kitchen. He seems like he could use someone to take control for the moment.]

Ellie and Kirk are out, I think Leonard might be in his room, but he tends not to come out much.

[Except to grumble at the rest of them when they're bickering.]

Green or black tea?

[And with that question she's just to put water in the kettle and set it to boil, poking around in the cupboards for the teapot and tea.]

( He does appreciate being led, really. He follows after, taking a seat at the table when they're there. )

Chai, if you have it. I suppose green will do, otherwise. ( The fingers of his left hand tap at the table, solid and metallic. ) May I presume you went into that other world?

Um... [Does she even know what chai tea is? Probably not, which is why she offers an apologetic smile before getting the green tea from the cupboard.] No chai, sorry. We're not very fancy around here.

[Chai tea sounds fancy, okay.

Most other times, that question might get a flippant of course I did, or who do you think I am? but she doesn't have it in her to be flippant about what happened there.]

I did, yeah.

[Her attention is mostly focused on putting tea in the pot, but she looks at him for a moment, her gaze seeming to ask whether he did, too.

She's assuming he didn't, considering his dislike of violence, but still.]

( He waves off the lack of chai as unimportant. The question in her glance is obvious, but he ignores it. One more shame he'd rather not think of, that's all. He drops his gaze. )

How are you with Ellie?

( An innocent question, he feels. If Ellie has made any progress with her romantic problem, that will probably be the answer. If it's still a secret, Vanadi feels confident Steph will assume he means their friendship. )

[Well that certainly makes her fumble with the cups as she gets them out, though she's quick enough not to drop anything.]

I'm, uh-- [She doesn't know how to answer that, if she's allowed to talk about it, especially with Vanadi, when she knows how Ellie feels about him (which makes so much more sense, now that she can pinpoint it as jealousy). But she... wants to talk about it with someone, considering she hasn't really had a chance.] She kissed me.

[So..........]

( Well, that makes him smile. How can it not? A kiss is always good news. A corner of his mouth quirks up. )

I'm glad she got around to it. ( Although it could mean sex is now even more unlikely for him. That part is less appreciable. ) Did you like it?

[She pouts at him a little, though it's simply for the fact that she's confused as to how he knew Ellie liked her before she found out herself. It made sense that Ellie might talk to Collette about it, but Vanadi makes considerably less sense.

Still, that's not the important part, because the question is making her duck her head, sheepish.]

Yeah, I-- yeah. [Normally, she doesn't have much of an issue talking about this sort of thing, but there are feelings involved and that always makes things sort of complicated.] I didn't even know Ellie liked girls.

[Steph didn't even know she liked girls, either.]

Mm.

[ The smile is more to himself now. He rests his chin in one gloved palm, watching the kettle. ]

People can surprise each other — and themselves. They may think they've their sexuality entirely figured out, until they meet that one person they hadn't accounted for.

[ The lines are practically memorized by now, and easy to fall back on. ]

I guess that's one way to put it.

[And it applies well enough to herself, that she has to huff out a quiet laugh, rubbing the back of her neck.]

I'm not really sure how to deal with it.

[Especially not when there's so much else going on, but at least Ellie kissing her is significantly less traumatic than dying three times.]

In whichever way feels right to you. Of course, deciphering "right" can be the tricky part, I suppose...

[ He's quiet for a few seconds, eyes still on the kettle, before he flicks a glance over at her. He does well to keep his tone and expression neutral, but those long ears sink a little. ]

You and I, then? —Would you... like some time?

[ He hates to ask it, for fear the answer will be "yes". But he's never hidden from this kind of openness, not even now. ]

I'm still figuring that one out, yeah.

[What feels right, and she imagines Ellie isn't much clearer on that, either.

And - there's a question she'd been expecting, because despite how much Ellie dislikes Vanadi, Steph knows he actually cares about her, that he isn't just pretending to get her into bed.

It's why she wants to give him an honest answer, but also why she's grateful that the kettle finally boils and she has an excuse to spend a few moments pouring water into the pot, before bringing everything over to the table, avoiding his gaze the whole time.

Barely a minute passes, but it feels like forever to her, but then she's sitting in the chair closest to him, facing him.]

I don't know. [Well that was a whole lot of avoidance for a shitty answer, but she does at least continue:] Personally, I can, you know, manage, but Ellie is...

[Her expression is apologetic, as she shrugs, because they both know that Ellie doesn't like him.]

We didn't really get a chance to discuss this part of the situation.

[That Steph was already sleeping with someone.]

[ Well, "I don't know" is better than "yes", no matter how you look at it. He knows better than to think this is anything other than putting off a potential disappointment, though. He curls both hands around one of the mugs, breathing in the steam as it rises.

It all feels like far too much to want to deal with.

Quietly, and without much feeling: ] You know you'll have my support, however it goes.

Vanadi. [She reaches out the gently rest her fingers against the back of his wrist, not sure what else to do. Because even when she opens hermouth to say more, she just ends up closing it again with a soft sigh.

The problem, and she thinks they both know it, is that Ellie would ask her to choose, and that Steph would choose Ellie, over Vanadi. Actually saying anything like that outloud seems unncessary and mean. Even I'm sorry feels like a dick move, at this point.

So it's just her hand on his wrist, and her expression sad and apologetic and it's clear she wishes there was something she could do to make this better.]

Edited (it helps when i put the letters in the right order) 2013-05-27 15:46 (UTC)

[ That cinches it, really, what he's known already. She may not be breaking him off yet, but she will. It isn't the first time, and it isn't as if she's his only source of -- well, anything. Normally, this would be a mild disappointment to be taken in stride.

But all told, he's not sure if he can manage to juggle this new, deeply ugly feeling, and being broken up with. He glances at her once, looks away again quickly, and in a moment, pushes to his feet. ]

I should-- [ Go. ] You know how to reach me, if you need anything.

[Her expression falls even more as he stands, because she didn't want to make him leave, things are just - complicated.]

Hey. [He looked miserable before all this, too, and that realization that makes her even more eager to ensure he stays.] You came here for a reason, what was it?

[If he knew about Ellie, that might've been part of it, but... she has a feeling there's more to it than that. And if something's wrong, she wants to help, regardless of her relationship status.]

[ He did come here with a reason, didn't he? Comfort, in whatever form that would take. Only, now — now that would only look like manipulation, to ask for it. His ears sink miserably, and he shakes his head. Thinking up a plausible excuse sounds like the most difficult task he's ever faced, right about now, so he'll have to go with the second best route. ]

It's — not important. [ He's sort of edging back, in a general doorwards course. ]

It's important to me. [Because he's important to her, and she gives him a sad look as he edges back, clearly noting what he's doing. She tilts her head at the chair, a silent invitation to sit back down.]

You're my friend, I want to help.

[Generally she doesn't like lines that sound too much like we can still be friends, when that's such a cheap platitude, but this is different; she's just to trying to reassure him that she cares.]

[ He edges himself into the nearest wall, and presses his back against it in a lean. Finally he sighs and drops his gaze to the floor, but seems to have halted the escape attempt for now. ]

I came looking for physical comfort. I can't ask for that now. [ It doesn't sound accusatory or hurt — it's just a fact. ]

[Well. That doesn't really surprise her, even if she isn't quite sure how to respond, when his summary of the situation is... fairly true. She wishes things weren't so complicated.]

What happened, Vanadi?

[To make him need that comfort.]

[ Finally, there's a smile. It's small, humorless, and utterly out of place on his face. He shrugs one shoulder. ]

I visited home.

[That can't be good.

She rises from her seat, walking over to him, though she stands more at his side than in front of him, not wanting him to feel trapped with the wall at his back.]

Maybe you could try talking about it instead of using sex as a coping method.

[Her tone is gentle, if a bit wry, managing to match his humourless smile.]

It never does much good.

[ He doesn't know what he's doing, being this honest. It's sort of alarming. But it's also what makes him shift toward apologetic, dart a glance over at her. ]

And, I — I'm sorry, but... I think talking with you would do more harm than good, at the moment. [ He sort of flinches as he says it, like he expects anger at the rare honesty. ]

[There's no anger, just a worried frown at the flinch. She can't exactly throw stones when it comes to talking things out, considering she spent two weeks sleeping in safe houses just to avoid confronting Ellie after the UE mission.]

Okay. I'm sorry, too. [What else can she say? She's hardly going to make him talk about it, if he doesn't want. She just feels bad that she can't help.] Do you want a hug?

[That's something she can do.]

[ He considers that, still feeling guilty and uncomfortable. Then, before he can talk himself out of it or tell himself all about how inconsiderate it will be — he leans in to steal a kiss. ]

[Dammit, Vanadi.

She should make him stop, should tell him that this is a terrible idea and that Ellie might kill both of them, but she finds herself returning the kiss instead, bringing a hand to rest against his jaw.

He just seems so sad, and she doesn't know what else to do.]

[ It's enough for him that she kisses back. He gives himself just a few seconds to enjoy it, then breaks the kiss. He doesn't quite pull away, though. And in a second or two more, he moves to take her up on that offer of a hug, both arms wrapping tightly around her while his chin drops to her shoulder. ]

[She wraps her arms around his shoulders, making good of that offer, one hand rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades.]

What am I gonna do with you?

[Her tone is fond, and she presses a kiss to his temple to soften the words. She just worries, is all.]

[ Low, but not quite as miserable as a moment ago: ] Let me know when you work it out, I could use a few tips.

[ He pulls back for good this time, aiming an apologetic smile up at her, even as he goes to step away. ]

Sorry to waste the tea.

You've gotten this far. [That's more gentle, softer, and she's a little reluctant to let him go, though she does after a moment.]

I'm sure it's still warm.

[Which is her way of saying he should stay and drink tea and let her try to help.]

[ He can't stay, that much is apparent. He only smiles softly at her and, as he's already more or less announced his intent to go, sidesteps to be around her, and starts for the door. ]

[It'd be easy enough to catch his wrist, to move to stop him from leaving in a dozen other ways, but she doesn't, just turns to watch him.]

It's okay if you want to stay, Vanadi. I'd like you to.

[But that's all she'll push the subject; he's free to leave if he really wants to.]

I know. [ Softly, and he doesn't stop or look back. ] I'm sorry.

[ He trails one hand briefly at the doorframe of the kitchen, like he's considering otherwise — but it doesn't last more than a second. He'll show himself out. ]

Don't be a stranger.

[That's a terrible line and she kind of hates everything right now, but she won't say anything else. She doesn't have a right to ask him to stay.]

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