namby-pamby fuwa fuwa shitnaro • 如月シンタロー (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
substitutable) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
exsiliumlogs2013-07-12 11:32 pm
substitutable) wrote in exsiliumlogs2013-07-12 11:32 pm
[closed;]
Date & Time: July 13th
Location: unit 207
Characters: the necromancer (clinical) | the hikiNEET (substitutable)
Summary: Shintaro has a delivery of food for Jade. Maybe some questions, too.
Warnings: n/a
[Whether Kido made it or Shintaro was just in charge of dinner at his own apartment and made a decent-enough meal and decided to make delivering it to Jade an excuse to come see the medic, in the end what matters is that Shintaro arrived at the door of unit 207 with a tray of saran-wrapped dinner in his hands and a request to be let inside, if Jade doesn't mind. We're going to say he didn't mind for the sake of this meeting, and thus the loser is sitting somewhere close to but not all up in the soldier's space, quiet for the most part as if he's debating whether he really wants to say whatever's on his mind or not.
Right as asking him what he wants is starting to become an acceptable course of action because he's been silent so long, Shintaro straightens up in his seat and turns to Jade]
... Can I ask you something?
Location: unit 207
Characters: the necromancer (
clinical) | the hikiNEET (substitutable)Summary: Shintaro has a delivery of food for Jade. Maybe some questions, too.
Warnings: n/a
[Whether Kido made it or Shintaro was just in charge of dinner at his own apartment and made a decent-enough meal and decided to make delivering it to Jade an excuse to come see the medic, in the end what matters is that Shintaro arrived at the door of unit 207 with a tray of saran-wrapped dinner in his hands and a request to be let inside, if Jade doesn't mind. We're going to say he didn't mind for the sake of this meeting, and thus the loser is sitting somewhere close to but not all up in the soldier's space, quiet for the most part as if he's debating whether he really wants to say whatever's on his mind or not.
Right as asking him what he wants is starting to become an acceptable course of action because he's been silent so long, Shintaro straightens up in his seat and turns to Jade]
... Can I ask you something?
no subject
[That is what Nebilim tried to teach him that Jade could not understand. That is what Luke showed him through his own choice to change himself and the world.]
If you'll allow an old man his biases, without acknowledgement that change is possible, motivation is lacking. There is little to drive a person if that individual feels no effect will come from their actions. It is the desire to prove change possible that motivates my research.
[Much of Jade is dead, but not all of him. But even what is alive in Jade is caught up in death. Living, he loves the dead: his teacher and the child he refused to call a student. If he can honour their memories by trying to create the change they believed possible, then he thinks he himself might be able to some day truly understand the preciousness of life that they both cherished so much.]
no subject
The question rises easily to the front of his mind like a piece of wood floating to the water's surface. It was the same question every time. No matter what it was, the moment he questioned the point of it, he would realize even the pointlessness of asking. Usually, he would fall silent there, and his curiosity would also fall like a rag doll.]
And then what? [Speak up. Say it. It's what he came here for.] You put all this work into that, and you prove it -- but why?
[he pauses]
... Does it change anything, if you can prove it?
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A proof that human beings change: Jade does not immediately lash out at a person who reminds him of what he was once like. Instead, he remembers the Professor's answers to him. He thinks that she understood the world better, so she is far more suited to give such answers. He thinks that if he does not try to answer Shintaro now, then he will have failed those whose memories he wishes to honour.]
Yes. By proving that change is possible, I prove that there is a point to attempting to change. [Jade looks at Shintaro again. Collect data, analyse it, develop conclusions. It may not be possible for Shintaro to understand, but he has made an effort to do so. So Jade must also make an effort.] You're intelligent. That's probably why this is difficult for you to understand. But perhaps you can agree that there is no such thing as a perfect existence. All things change. And all things must end. Knowing that, people change themselves. And because they change, they are able to live.
[These are difficult things for Jade to say to those he doesn't know well. They are thoughts that he reserves solely for those closest to him, and then, only rarely. Only in exceptional moments. So it's obvious and unmasked as he stops there, deciding whether or not he will continue.] Personally, I find it difficult to appreciate the value of life as others do. It is simply something that I am less capable of than other human beings are.
[And the rest of that declaration? Jade forces himself to continue.] However, I know that life is precious. That there is a point to living is something I consider worth proving for myself. Perhaps then I can better appreciate life's true value.
[Still, he is leaving it out: their names. Jade cannot understand his own emotions. It is a constant struggle to express them to those he trusts most, and Jade does not trust Shintaro. What Jade tells Shintaro is not an honour that Shintaro has earned but something Jade feels he owes. So even as he discusses a matter that means everything to him, Jade keeps those most incomprehensible, vulnerable of emotions locked in his ice heart.]
no subject
He brings his hands together on his lap for a lack of anything better to do with them.]
I don't think it's that I don't actually understand that.
[That's right, he thinks. He does understand. At the very least, he knows that life is precious and he knows that there is no existence that is perfect. He can also see why that knowledge, and the change that can be brought on by knowing it, can allow people to live. He's known that for a long time. Hadn't he viewed those unchanging days as no better than being dead? (But even trying to change that had seemed like a meaningless effort, back then.)]
... To prove that there's a point to living. That's your motive?
no subject
Perhaps it is that kind of selfish desire. [Not really looking at Shintaro, Jade frowns.] No. It is certainly a selfish and irrational impulse. I would like to believe that it is possible for people to change and for sins to be atoned for. There are better people than I whose ideals for the world I wish to see carried out.
no subject
[He takes a breath. They aren't discussing feelings yet, and they shouldn't get there. It had always been about thoughts, hadn't it? He had always quelled those emotions by thinking, and he could still do it. He may have promised Kido to change that around Ayano, but that was because he owed that to her. He and Jade didn't owe each other any of that.]
... I think people can change. Time doesn't stop no matter what, but it's not just time, I think, that changes people in the end. Coming into contact with the world outside you, and meeting others, is what changes them, even if they resist it.
I guess that's what people mean by "a breath of fresh air." If you stay inside and don't open up, the air will stay the same, just growing staler and staler. [You can stay unchanged, clinging to the past, replaying the same scenes over and over.]
no subject
[His hands are still linked together. Truthfully, Jade does not move much, regardless of his emotional state. He is still, silent, and observing. Data is recompiled and considered from different obligations. "What's your motivation?"
Peony really is right about the stupidity of intelligent people. That's a little irritating to Jade. He is grateful that Peony isn't here to see this.]
It seems you have knowledge of this already. Certainly, you seem aware that there are some people in the world who become comfortable with that stale air.
no subject
He's glad for the lack of eye contact. He doesn't think he would've kept it had they been looking at each other. As it is, his gaze flickers farther away from Jade as he blinks slowly.]
I am. I don't know if I found it comfortable, though. [But it was preferable over the strong winds outside.]
... I used to, a long time ago. Ever since I was a kid I never got along well with people. I preferred to be left alone. And there was only one idiot who really bothered to talk to me.
no subject
Such individuals often are 'a breath of fresh air' in these circumstances, as you put it.
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[He sighs, softly. His shoulders drop as he lets out that breath, and it appears that he's getting less tense about speaking, although he himself isn't all that comfortable still. These were still things that weren't known to anybody but himself. Momo, perhaps, would remember the sort of person he used to be. Even he knew that he was a little different from before he met Ayano (or, he thinks idly, Ene).]
Ever since I was a kid, I was a little smarter than most people. Schoolwork was never any trouble. I knew the answer to every question. As long as it was academics, I could do it without having to try. And I figured, everything else is probably the same, too. [he pauses. He pulls his hands apart and fiddles with the end of one of his sleeves.] It was boring, so I stopped paying attention.
So I never noticed, until after she died.
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I was surprised at first, but not really shocked. She had as much chance of showing up here as anybody else. But I guess... I never expected to see her again.
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It isn't something he bothers to explain.]
Some would say that this is a fine second chance.
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Would you take that sort of chance?
[It's a question he already knows his own answer to.]
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But he does not forget for a moment that they are truly dead. Fate cannot be changed, and they are lost to him. Rather than a second chance, this is just a moment of grace.]
Is there a reason my answer interests you when you've already made yours?
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I want to keep asking questions that don't mean anything because I was told that asking only the meaningful questions will make life boring.
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In that case, no. I don't consider this a second chance. Regardless of the Initiative's technologies, those lost to me will remain lost when I return home.
However . . . it would be childish to waste an opportunity to enjoy their company merely because that company will be lost again.
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[He asks the question, then thinks he worded it wrongly, shaking his head. It isn't that nothing will change. The deaths won't change. Their absence won't change. But if they were to remember what happens in Exsilium -- will they? considering the complications of the time-space continuum, he has a feeling they won't remember anything once they leave -- they would remember. There could be closure. People could move on. But he still doesn't know if he's supposed to be moving forward like that.]
Do you think you won't regret it?
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I will certainly regret it less than I would regret doing nothing.
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Thank you, Jade-san. It... sort of helped to talk to someone.
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Good luck, Shintaro. [He smiles slightly.] Try not to screw up too badly.
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It's been a while since I've been worried about screwing up, so I might be less careless.