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closed ► you can run, you can hide

Date & Time: August 19th, afternoon
Location: House of the Rising Tsun
Characters: Axel (

holeseeker)
Summary: Sheena tries to beat some sense into Axel.
Warnings: Cute, tsun, dere, and angst I guess.

[Sheena has no idea who lives in their apartment anymore. People keep coming and going. She's okay with it for the most part, but that means less time spent with Axel and Riku. It's a part of being surrounded by friends. She's had her hands full what with the recent arrivals from her own world, so she can sympathize. Axel has never looked happier than when he's being attacked by bitties.

However, something seems different in the air today. She hangs her coat by the door, already stripping off her gloves when she sees Axel flopped all over the couch.]

I hope you're keeping your shoes off the cushions, [Sheena remarks in passing, not realizing that there might be something wrong.]

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[He's been having the same dream since yesterday: he's putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Which is absurd because he hates those things, they're just boring and frustrating. And maybe that's the point; in the dream he's assembled all of it except for a few pieces, and he can't see the image the puzzle creates because it's unfinished even though it's only missing those few pieces (because what the hell dream logic) but he can't find these few pieces anywhere. He's woken up exasperated and angry no less than three times from the same damn dream, and every time he finds himself more exhausted than when he managed to nod off.

[This morning was different though. He'd woken up just before dawn, when the sky was still green and the house was still silent, and something had just felt wrong. The kids had seemed a little lethargic after their visit to the clinic, and he was sure he was going to hear about how the stupid shot had gotten them sick which was counterproductive because it was supposed to be helping them. He hadn't had his wits about him enough to properly explain. But when he'd gently pushed his bedroom door open to make sure they were all right, all the air had left his lungs. Xion was there, in her usual spot, but the place on the mattress that Roxas usually occupied had been empty.

[Twenty frantic minutes later after checking the bathroom, the closet, and scouring the registry to find Roxas' name was no longer listed, Axel had moved numbly back to the couch and sank into the cushions, unable to fully process this. Roxas was gone. Again.

[He'd managed to nod off fitfully once or twice more after that, each time stirring awake with the blank image on the unfinished jigsaw puzzle scratched on the backs of his eyelids and a sudden aching emptiness creaking through his arms. When Sheena comes home he barely notices, just staring at the ceiling and running a dozen lists through his mind.

[What did he do wrong this time? Where did he screw up? This isn't helping his cold at all and he knows it--he's exhausted and his throat is killing him and he's pretty sure he can see the heat radiating off his body but he doesn't care. Roxas is gone, and he's sure it's his fault again, and he just can't handle this again.]

Didn't even put 'em on.

[His voice is more a croak than anything else, and the response almost startles him; he had barely registered her entry. He snaps back to reality then, though, upon the proper realization he's no longer alone and can't wallow without looking like a sad vulnerable sack of misery anymore, and holds up one socked foot for her to see. See? No shoes.]

[Sheena considers his socked feet. Something is definitely off with Axel today. She'd heard him cough a couple times, so maybe he's under the weather, but it's nothing compared to what they had to deal with before.

She leans over the back of the couch, arms folded at her chest. Her small smile fades, replaced by a gently curious expression.]

What's wrong?

[He hasn't bothered to mention he isn't feeling well--everyone's got enough to worry about without trying to mother him. He's not really the sort to just play the good convalescent anyway, so it's easier this way. When Sheena leans across the back of the couch and peers down at him, though, he has to figure it's obvious he feels like crap. Even without the whole Roxas Is Gone element, his eyes take too long to focus, he's squinting through a half-blinding headache, and his breathing is a little ragged. It's true, it's a walk in the park compared to what they were all stricken with before, but that doesn't make it fun.

[He's not wearing his stupid face scarf today, so he just plants one long hand over his nose and mouth and sort of shakes his head.]

Mffng. [Dammit, Axel, you already discovered that doesn't work. He lifts his hand a little so he can at least make words sound like words.] Er... Nothing. [Lies.] Just... having one of those days.

[Well, okay, that part isn't really a lie, but it's the understatement of the century, and the way he can't make eye contact clinches it.]

[Sheena doesn't enjoy being lied to. She gets enough of that from Zelos, who dodges things at every waking opportunity. Axel is significantly easier to read, though, and she narrows her eyes a bit.]

I don't mind listening to whatever it is. You did the same for me.

[For what it's worth, Axel doesn't really like lying to his friends. He's working on that, he really is, but it's a hard habit to break when it's been your norm for so long. Axel's easier to read these days because he's made a concerted effort to be more sincere. As dank and dreary as Exsilium can be, it's a second chance to change a lot of things and he never expected to have such an opportunity. He doesn't want to waste it.

[But talking about feelings? Whoa, nelly; one step at a time.

[He gives Sheena a somewhat uncomfortable look--I don't know how to do this!--and then sits up with a grunt, holding his head as the movement makes it pound painfully. He takes a moment to compose himself, clearing his throat to try and prevent the coughing fit he's sure is just waiting in the wings to make him look stupid, and then kneads at his brow.]

Well in case you hadn't already figured it out, running around on no sleep in this weather I got myself sick like a moron. [But he does imagine she's figured that out. And if she hadn't before she surely has now; he sounds like he swallowed a porcupine. He pauses a moment, then goes on.] So there's that, but... well.

[And he balks. He knows he has to say it. She'll figure it out as soon as Xion emerges from her room and asks about it. And then she'll wonder why Axel didn't say anything. And she'll give him that disappointed look like she expected more of him and aren't they friends? And he'll just feel like an ass because of course they're friends he's just bad at this--]

Roxas is gone.

[He just blurts it out, and his voice is so small and so thin that he's not even sure it was audible, and then he just looks surprised, like he didn't mean to say it at all.]

Uh huh. [She gives him a minute to continue. There has to be more to it than a little head cold. Axel doesn't look just under the weather-- he's damn depressed. Naturally, as his friend and sort of adoptive sister, she wants to make things better.

But... the news he spits out, however reluctantly, makes itself clear. This isn't something a friend can just fix. She frowns.]

... Oh, no. I'm sorry.

[That doesn't make it better. She knows that. When Lloyd and Colette left, she was inconsolable. Only the passage of time and the softening of her own emotions made it bearable. It would be the same for Axel.

She hesitates, and then she reaches out to gently place her hand on his shoulder.]

He'll come back to you. You're friends, right?

[To his credit, he doesn't flinch at her touch. He's still getting used to the whole physical contact thing; it's never been a strong point. He's an assassin, after all, and so being touched by other people was never really on the agenda. Axel has an egregiously large personal space bubble, and for the most part it can only be broken from the inside. There are a few people, however, who can breech the bubble without significant repercussions, and somewhere along the way Sheena became one of them. Huh. Interesting.

[Axel stares at her hand a moment; it's cool to the touch, even through his tee shirt. Ugh, this fever is so lame. Everything right now is so lame, and he hates it. He shakes his head a little at Sheena's question.]

It's a lot more than that... he's my best friend, yeah, but... he and Xion, I'm responsible for them. [Another shake of his head and he sort of deflates a little, sagging against the couch.] They were put in my charge, and I feel like they just keep slipping through my hands.

[He frowns at his hands a moment, feeling a little melodramatic, but it's true. Despite his generally good intentions, he just couldn't seem to get it right. He'd lost Roxas once, back home. Lost Xion too. Then he'd gotten them back when he'd come here... only to lose them again. Against all odds, they had both been returned to him a second time, but he could only suppose he'd screwed up somewhere again, since Roxas had been taken away. Was it only a matter of time before Xion disappeared again too?

[He smothers a fit of coughing into the crook of his elbow, then sighs.]

I just can't seem to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing--why isn't there a manual for this stuff?

[There isn't much she can do to take in his sadness. She removes her hand from his shoulder since he's sick and he's probably the prickly type who'd rather not be babied when he's not feeling great. She's the same way, honestly.

Sheena walks around the corner of the couch and sits on the armrest.]

It's not your fault.

[She's not just saying that. She means it.]

What the Initiative does with the Transports has absolutely nothing to do with you. They aren't that malicious. I mean, they've done some dumb stuff, but they aren't targeting you or anything like that.

[She smiles faintly.]

You can't take all the responsibility for another person. Just having your own responsibility is more than enough to deal with, you know? Your friends will do whatever they want, and they'll make choices and mistakes just like you. Just like everyone else.

If there was a manual, I think that's what it'd say.

[Axel looks tiredly at her when she sits down on the armrest, then scoots over a bit and nods that she can sit on the couch proper if she wants. He really does enjoy her company, and while he was pretty unsure about having roommates again at first, he can honestly say he's glad for it now. Sheena and Riku have done a lot for him, even he can't deny it, and though he's always hard pressed to admit so he's grateful to them both.

[He shakes his head again though.]

No, you... you don't quite get it. Roxas and Xion might look like they're about fifteen, but they're... a little unusual. Er... [He waves a hand then.] Well, that makes them sound like weirdos, uh... [He scratches his head, then clears his throat roughly again and kneads absently at the ache behind his forehead.] It's kinda hard to explain--I don't even understand it all, to be honest, but for the sake of keeping it simple, despite how they look, neither of them has any significant history to take any experience from. [He meets Sheena's eye. It's not really his place to spill the details, their stories are personal and he's not going to just arbitrarily expound upon Nobodies and the Replica Project and all that.] I was charged with showing them the ropes of our operation back home... but more than that I kinda had to teach them how a lot of stuff worked.

[He still does, for that matter. Neither of them had ever been sick before, for example, and so trying to explain to a freaked out kid why their body was suddenly betraying them was a tough conversation to have.]

I know they have to make their own mistakes, I wouldn't ever take that away from them, but they're flying blind, for the most part. I just wanted to make sure they didn't crash into any mountains.

[He groans and rakes his hands back into his hair, doubling forward with his elbows on his knees.]

And no matter how many chances I get to help them, I always seem to steer them right into the mountain anyway.

[Sheena takes the invitation and nestles into the couch. She doesn't sprawl or anything, she's just being friendly and-- well, respecting his space at the same time.

They don't have a lot of history? What could that mean? Sheena's never heard anything like that. She meets his eyes with her own unspoken questions but doesn't vocalize them.

She sighs and crosses her arms.]

So you're just gonna sit here and blame yourself for people being sent home? That's not very fair, to you or to him. You gonna apologize for the rain, too? Or sending us on missions?

Wh-- no--

[His indignation is cut short when his barked protest spirals into another bout of coughing, and he turns away, pulling the neck of his shirt up over his nose and mouth and leaning against the back of the couch as the fit racks his shoulders. He takes a moment to catch his breath then gives her an exaggeratedly peeved look over his shoulder before turning back toward her, folding his long legs up and crossing his arms firmly over his chest and sulking grandiosely.]

No. There's not a lot I'll apologize for, even if it is my fault. [He punctuates this with a huff, then the ire fades and his posture droops again.

[Maybe it is stupid. No, logically he knows it's stupid to blame himself for this. He has no control over who comes and goes, and he knows Roxas would probably be calling him a lunkhead right about now if he could hear this. He just can't help feeling like this is just history repeating itself, though. He did what he thought was best for Roxas and Xion back home... he knew that their knowing the truth wouldn't make it any easier to swallow. He'd wanted to save them from the harshness of their own reality for as long as possible! And yet it had cost them all so much more than if he'd just been honest.

[Here, he had striven to be more honest, more up front, more straightforward, and even if he didn't always succeed, the thought still counted, right? He had done everything he could to help them, to keep them safe, to make sure they had as much as he could give them... but he'd still lost them. Would he now just lose them both again? Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost had obviously not been in this situation before. Losing the people who meant the most to you--meant more than your own safety, your own happiness--it was far worse than never knowing what having them felt like. That wasn't to say he would have undone it, but Axel would have sooner destroyed himself than knowingly let Roxas disappear forever.

[He closes his eyes and sags a bit further--he's been practicing slouching with Riku, it seems.]

I dunno how I'm gonna tell Xion.

[Yep, he's inconsolable. She lets out a little huff. Of course, he's feverish and not thinking straight most likely, but still.]

Just tell her the truth. You're friends, and you're both hurting, but... grief shared is grief halved, or something like that.

[She smiles a little sheepishly and looks away.]

... Sorry I'm not very good at this.

Halved? [He's not sure about that, but it's a nice idea. He thinks a moment about when Riku hadn't made it through that mission in Paris, when he'd come home without him, when Sheena's face had crumbled with the news. Maybe the grief wasn't halved, but it was definitely a little easier to shoulder it when there was someone to grieve with.

[He sighs, rubbing his head again, then nods.]

You're right, I can't just... not tell her. [He already learned the hard way that keeping secrets, no matter how painful, would only make things worse.] I'll wait 'til she wakes up, though. I dunno that I can wake her just to be the harbinger of something like this.

[And then he chuckles faintly, shaking his head.]

Nah, you're fine. I suck at it too, so. Pity being bad at something isn't halved when you share it, huh?

[He's feverish and upset and definitely not thinking entirely straight and really just wishes he could sleep for a week right now... but all things considered, he's glad Sheena's here. Between her and Xion and Ahiru and Aqua, maybe he'll finally cede that girls aren't all crazy after all.]

She'll probably ask when she wakes up. [She's saying it so that he can prepare for the inevitable.

At least he's not tossing himself off a ledge. That's something to celebrate. It's always hard when friends go home. She wonders if knowing him better would make things easier or worse. She's just... not good at this at all.

She's glad he understands, that they can understand each other. It's not something Sheena is used to having.]

Maybe not, but you get someone to laugh about it with.

[If there were a ledge nearby he might have considered it. But they live on the first floor, so he can't even hurl himself down the stair or anything dramatic and stupid like that, sheesh. He leans back into the couch and sighs, a wry attempt at a grin on his features.]

When I feel like laughing I'll let you know.

[With a soft groan he scrubs at one eye and then gives her a somewhat apologetic look.] Guess I should have mentioned I'd gotten myself sick, though; hope you don't wind up catching it.

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