[closed] so how about them memories

[stonefaith]

Date & Time: 08/09 evening
Location: SURPRISE! it's a bar.
Characters: Bariyan e Kodhi (stonefaith), Roslyn Small (boughtabookstore)
Summary: Bariyan and Ros get drunk and talk about that VR mess that just went down.
Warnings: N/A

---

[ He'd given himself an hour, two hours -- maybe more than that. The time had slipped away from him. Maybe he spent an entire day sitting in that tunnel and staring bleakly in the darkness. Who knew?

Then he couldn't take it anymore. He had to talk to someone. He had to talk to Roslyn. Or to several shots of vodka. Or, hell, why not both at the same time?

Seemed like a good idea. So he'd messaged Roslyn the time and the place, then staggered off.

He hadn't chosen the closest bar, but he'd chosen the quietest one that he knew. When he arrived, the place was half-empty. He didn't meet anyone's eyes until he sat himself at the bar and had to catch the bartender's attention to order. That done, he immediately turned in his seat to look for Ros' arrival. ]

Comments

[boughtabookstore]

[ A time, a place, the barest of messages indicating why. She could guess, though, and considering the entire mess that had just gone down she was more than pleased to take him up on the offer.

She'd taken to the wilderness again, travelling upriver for a short time, and so the hike back puts her arrival a little after the time he'd given.

The emptiness of the place was a definite plus, and she made her way over and slid into the seat next to his, resting her elbows on the counter. ]

Vodka.

[ It's a quick order to the bartender before she throws a look Bariyan's way. ]

On a scale of one to ten, how not okay are you right now?

[stonefaith]

[ Bariyan is inexplicably, enormously relieved to see Roslyn, and it shows in his smile. Crooked and strained as it is. ]

I won't be able to answer until about, oh... [ he holds his own glass up and swirls it. ] Five of these. And you?

[boughtabookstore]

[ She can't help but smile back in relief, however small and sad. ]

Unsettled. But nothing a little time and alcohol can't fix. [ Alcohol should probably stop being her default reaction to the bullshit this place pulls. But for now, it works. ]

[stonefaith]

Of course. [ he nods, returns to nurse his own drink for a moment before saying anything more. ]

I... I thought I was going to be all right, for a while there. While we were still in the VR. I didn't care. But now. [ he shakes his head. now. ]

[boughtabookstore]

[ The bartender slides her own over, and she takes it and drains half of it one gulp, closing her eyes for a moment as it burns. ]

Yeah. [ For a moment that's all she can muster up, but then she turns her drink thoughtfully in circles on the bar, sighing. ] You saved all the reaction for once the situation was done, I guess.

[stonefaith]

Feels like it. [ Bariyan rests his chin in a hand, trying not to replay the scene over again in his head. He fails. ] It didn't go down like that in reality, of course, but still. Too close. I hated that.

[boughtabookstore]

[ She watches him a moment. Comfort, not particularly her strong point, but after a moment she leans over to prop her shoulder against his. ]

We got out. That's what matters.

[stonefaith]

[ Bariyan sighs, resisting the natural instinct to recoil away from physical contact. He needs it, he thinks. ]

Yeah. I guess. [ Did he? It seems to him that he's still stuck on that hill, still blinded by equal parts sunlight and blood. So much of both. So he keeps talking, rambling. ] That was a lot of old faces at once.... [ deep breath. ] My son was there. You probably didn't see him.

[boughtabookstore]

[ She needs it at least as much, misses her teams after a crisis more than ever. Misses the times they just pulled together without any words, stayed the night or followed each other home like strays. ]

I didn't know you had a son. [ It's soft, quiet. With how many people were dead on that hill, the thought of his son being there isn't heartening. ]

[stonefaith]

I did. He died before the fighting started. They called me there so I could watch them slit his throat. [ that all comes out in a hard, flat rush. he goes to finish his drink before he can even reflect upon what he's just said, whether or not he should have said it; drinks to destroy his hindsight. he doesn't want to think. ]

[boughtabookstore]

[ She's silent for a long moment, absorbing that. Trying to imagine how that would feel and unable to comprehend it, still leaning against him. At the end of that moment she finishes off the rest of her drink, raises her hand to order another. ]

That's fucking shitty.

[stonefaith]

Yes. My fault in the end, though.

[ he remembers. months and years of torturing himself with the what-ifs. if he'd listened to ko, if he'd paid attention. no coup, no uprising, no war... he would have never met cat, would have never gone east, would have never-- no, of course he would have died.

but he might have died happy. he might have died without having had to bury his own child first. ]

I've.... [ sigh. bariyan puts his head down on the bar, in his arms. muffled: ] made a lot of mistakes, in my life. [ a beat. ] Both lives.

[boughtabookstore]

[ that's a refrain she knows well, the feeling in those words. a lot of mistakes and my fault, the things that leave an old bitter taste in her mouth when she swallows. should have stayed home, shouldn't have joined the fbi, should have been there that summer night, should have told adam he couldn't go camping.

she's not drunk enough yet. ]

Me too. [ a gesture, like she's trying to encompass all of exsilium, but it doesn't make it far. ] Sometimes I think, maybe this could be that fresh start.

But it's never that easy. [ she downs her new drink in one go. ] I'm sorry about your son.

[stonefaith]

It's all right. I've made my peace with that. [ has he? ugh, he can't think about this now. bariyan catches the bartender before he disappears again; he needs that refill, now. ]

I saw this as a fresh start too. I'd hoped... but it's hard to start anew when they shove your past right back into your face. [ bariyan scowls down into his drink. ] It was everyone, wasn't it? You too, Ros?

[boughtabookstore]

Still. I am. [ she hesitates, just refrains from ordering a new drink. she's already heading pretty well towards being drunk, she should take at least a little bit between drinks. right?

her head is more muddled than it should be, she thinks. ] Isn't it just.

Yes, everyone. Me too. Nothing terribly traumatic, though. [ or it shouldn't have been, not to her, that shouldn't have bothered her at all. ]

[stonefaith]

Traumatic.... [ Bariyan echoes the word, digging the heel of his palm into an eye. Grimacing, ticking through the memories he'd somehow managed to break into. None of them had gone well, of course. Koltira's, Shepard's, Darkov's. He hadn't made it to Ros'.

He opens his eyes and turns in his seat a little, to better face her. ]

What did you see?

[boughtabookstore]

[ the wrong choice of words, perhaps, but she saw other people's dreams, walked in their heads and trauma seems to be a good enough word for how that went. ]

My old team. [ a little absent minded, more than a little drunkenly sentimental. ] They're almost all dead now, back home. They attacked me, of course.

[stonefaith]

Yes. I heard. [ a pause. ] That was a shitty thing for the Initiative to do. [ a flash of anger that dissolves away just as quickly as it'd come. they've been over that; everyone's been over that, if the network's anything to judge by. ]

I'm sorry about your team. I imagine you did manage to fight them off.

[boughtabookstore]

It was. [ she's too weary to do anything but agree to that, not even nod her assent at a statement that is unquestioningly completely accurate. ]

Mostly I ran. [ lifting her hand for another drink, completely honest. bariyan can be trusted. ] I didn't have the heart for it.

[stonefaith]

I don't blame you for that. [ a beat. and then, stumbling over his words: ] Did you... did they attack you, right away? Or was.... [ he doesn't have the heart to finish that question.

they hadn't attacked right away, not in his memory. it hadn't been a happy memory to begin with, of course, but it'd almost been nice to see everyone again. before they'd all turned on him. ]

[boughtabookstore]

Right away. [ a moment as she looks at the new glass handed her, and then she corrects herself softly. ] Almost right away.

[ there had been that brief moment of waking up, the sense of contentment and safety. but that hadn't lasted long, of course. ]

[stonefaith]

[ he nodded, dejectedly. ]

I think... it was nice, but it was also the worst part. It made you think that maybe you were back. [ and then he laughed, forced, awkward. ] Not that everyone would've liked that.

[boughtabookstore]

I still haven't been able to decide if it was sheer incompetence or a deliberate attempt to fuck us over.

[ she's a little bit drunk now, yeah. ] Maybe both.

[stonefaith]

It's been a while since they've tried to ruin us on purpose, hasn't it? [ a sigh. ] We should've been more prepared. That doctor on the network was practically a warning, himself.

[boughtabookstore]

Not quite long enough. [ a faint grimace of distaste at the mention of the doctor. ] I don't agree with their definition of talent.

[stonefaith]

I don't know. The talent's obviously there. They've got technology to reach into our heads, and... [ the tone of his voice is enough to say that he doesn't like that. ] They're irresponsible with it. As they seem to be, with many things.

[boughtabookstore]

Technology they fucked up. [ a sigh, and she drains her glass. ] Irresponsible is almost too kind a word for them. I'm unimpressed.

[stonefaith]

What can we do about? There's backlash every time they do us wrong, but... we're cycled in and out too fast, too distracted. [ Bariyan's suddenly intensely animated about this, all bright eyes and angry gestures. ] Think about it. We still hardly know any names. I doubt the doctor and the major-general are leading this whole business, but they're practically the only faces we know.

[boughtabookstore]

It's true. A lot of those who were most outspoken against the drugging are gone now, half the people we do know don't even seem to be supposed to be talking to us --

[ Ros is not an angry drunk by any means, so her words are still fairly subdued. But there is a lurking anger under there. ] I sometimes wonder if we're still here because we kept our outrage slightly more contained than others.

[stonefaith]

You think so? [ Bariyan straightens up. ] Because we don't go around shooting peoples' heads off? [ Yes, 'Osprey' was the first name to come to mind. ] Because-- goddamn. We spend a lot more time trying to get through the things they throw at us instead of-- instead of bitching about them. Loudly. [ sometimes with guns. ]

[ he slumps back over the bar, goes for another drink. ] I don't know if that's a good thing.

[boughtabookstore]

[ Osprey was the first name in her mind too, yup. ] It's something I've considered. Perhaps they consider it a sign of competence, perhaps they just got tired of the bitching.

[ She quirks her mouth, a humorless smile. ] I don't know either. But I can't say I'm inclined to throw a fuss and see what they do.