Tess (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nowthatsfunny) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
exsiliumlogs2014-01-20 05:31 pm
nowthatsfunny) wrote in exsiliumlogs2014-01-20 05:31 pm
Entry tags:
closed;
Date & Time: Tonight because no time like the present!
Location: Starting in the warehouse.
Characters: Tess and Joel.
Summary: They need to have A Talk. About Stuff.
Warnings: Maybe some talk about zombies and getting killed by them? Probably cussing. Definitely pain and tears.
[Tess has been brought back to square one, in a lot of ways, since her arrival. In Boston, she built up a network of contacts and suppliers and other business acquaintances over a period of years, after a lot of hard work and breaking more than a few skulls. She has none of that here.
And that's not even taking into account her (apparently) missing memories, and the havoc that's wreaked with Joel. Ellie is pissed at her, too, she can tell, but there are so many pieces missing, she hardly knows where to begin.
Now, Joel wants to talk. In the warehouse, which is mostly public, so Tess has no idea how to read that. She shows up a little earlier than what she told Joel - she always shows up early to meetings, to scope out the location, or prepare an escape route, or, in this case, just to pace restlessly. They do need to talk. There's so much that needs airing between them, she's clever enough to recognize that. But she also knows, even in a best-case scenario, this is going to be one hell of a tough conversation to have. They've never been good at the feelings thing.
Tess supposes that won't change, even after coming back from the dead. Twice.
Location: Starting in the warehouse.
Characters: Tess and Joel.
Summary: They need to have A Talk. About Stuff.
Warnings: Maybe some talk about zombies and getting killed by them? Probably cussing. Definitely pain and tears.
[Tess has been brought back to square one, in a lot of ways, since her arrival. In Boston, she built up a network of contacts and suppliers and other business acquaintances over a period of years, after a lot of hard work and breaking more than a few skulls. She has none of that here.
And that's not even taking into account her (apparently) missing memories, and the havoc that's wreaked with Joel. Ellie is pissed at her, too, she can tell, but there are so many pieces missing, she hardly knows where to begin.
Now, Joel wants to talk. In the warehouse, which is mostly public, so Tess has no idea how to read that. She shows up a little earlier than what she told Joel - she always shows up early to meetings, to scope out the location, or prepare an escape route, or, in this case, just to pace restlessly. They do need to talk. There's so much that needs airing between them, she's clever enough to recognize that. But she also knows, even in a best-case scenario, this is going to be one hell of a tough conversation to have. They've never been good at the feelings thing.
Tess supposes that won't change, even after coming back from the dead. Twice.
no subject
On the other hand, turning down food when it's offered is, in her experience, not the smartest. And besides all that, this is Joel offering. Maybe she's reading too much into it - she does that, sometimes, with him. A consequence of the fact that he isn't good at, well, talking.
Not that she's going to hold him accountable for that. She's just as bad.
So she shrugs, letting him lead the way - privacy is probably better, yes.]
I could eat.
[Keeping it casual, keeping her voice light. Because otherwise she might yell or cry - neither of which, she thinks, will help fix this. And she does want to fix this - whatever this is.]
no subject
While he leads the way Joel shrugs off his pack, opening it. Good thing he'd put the bars on the top. Without another word he turns and holds one out for her to take, backpack pushed back onto his shoulder.
Thankfully the underground isn't packed, the odd group of people here and there. This means there are plenty of places where they can disappear to to talk. ]
no subject
Normally, she'd be a little pushy - she usually is, with Joel. She usually is with everyone. Prodding him to just get on with it, already, C'mon, Tex, spit it out. It's how their relationship works, mostly. Or rather, how it worked, back in Boston, back before she'd gone and gotten herself fucking infected. Like an idiot. And then somehow ruined things by being here and disappearing again.
She can't find it in her to push him, now. Not while she's on such uncertain footing with him. Somehow, she's always sort of known the parameters of their relationship, but now it's like she's walking on eggshells. Or worse, rotten ice that's about to break under her feet.]
Thanks. [She manages, at least, to break the silence, thanking him for the food.]
no subject
... yeah.
[ There's more than just black, rotten ice or eggshells here. There's months on top of years of something good that they'd had. That had died with her, both times.
Joel keeps quiet still after that one word. Keeps on leading her. It isn't until they reach a much more secluded area that seems far from the others lingering that he stops. His back is kept to her until he shifts to look over his shoulder, finally turning to face her. ]
no subject
If you're doing all this just to break up with me, you sure are drawing it out, she might say. She wants to say - it's her standard, when things get tough, or weird, or too much to deal with, she tries to make a joke out of it. She doesn't quite have the heart to, right now, though.]
Look, I'm sorry. For - [Dying. Leaving you. Hurting you. Forcing you to make a promise. Coming back. Leaving again. Not remembering. Every stupid thing.] this.
no subject
[ How is he supposed to tell her that none of that was her fault? At first he had of course blamed her. Joel had blamed her for everything, for dying and for dumping Ellie on him. For making him go through all of the trial and errors he'd had to with the girl, the dangerous situations he'd found himself in with Ellie on the way to find Bill and then leaving to find Tommy. All of it.
And now Joel had begun to realize that putting all of that blame on someone else to take it off of himself was tiring. More than tiring, it was downright exhausting. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
He hadn't asked her here to her an apology, nor had he asked her here so he could corner her and lay all of the blame on her. It would be so easy - too easy - to shout at her, to do any of that but that wasn't him. ]
This isn't... [ Let's try this one more time; get your shit together, Joel, form proper sentences, force out what you gotta say. ] This wasn't your fault. None of it is.
no subject
It seems so stupid now, in hindsight. All of it. Robert, and her weapons. Her weapons, like some kid staking a claim over the toys in the toybox. Fucking stupid.
She rubs the bridge of her nose, and sighs. It's good, she supposes, that he's not here to lay more blame at her feet.]
Is that what you wanted to tell me? [Or is there more? Is he just warming himself up for the main event?]
no subject
Without really realizing it Joel takes a step towards her. He wants to reach out and wrap her up in the biggest hug ever, never let her go. He wants to bury his face into the curve of her neck, fold his fingers in the back of her jacket, press her close.
Joel wants to do all of this yet can't bring himself to all because of the tiniest fear: He could touch her cheek and she could disappear. ]
no subject
Joel. [It's a plea, almost, like say something, do something, let me in please, but whatever is happening here, she has to meet him halfway. As much as she can, at least. And she can't just stand here, like this -
She'd wanted to touch him, back at the Capitol building, wanted to pull him in close and tell him how sorry she was, but she couldn't. Now, though? Now, she reaches out, puts her hand on his arm, because she can't not touch him now, but she doesn't know how welcome she is, or what he's getting at, and she's lost, but Joel's always been her anchor. Is he going to be that again?]
no subject
Ellie's words carry at the back of his mind: "...I saw what Tess leaving did to you. And what her coming back is doing."
And wasn't it the truth.
Joel breathes out her name near her ear, turning his face in against her hair, arm wrapped around her. She's real and she's solid. She hasn't disappeared. ]
no subject
When the hell did this happen? When the hell had he become so fucking important that she can hardly breathe when she thinks about the prospect of life without him?
She cards her fingers through his hair, trying to breathe, trying not to just apologize again, over and over, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll never leave again. She can't promise that, though she wants to, god, she wants to like she's never wanted anything before, ever.
She should say something, maybe, bring them back to reality, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to break whatever this is before it's even really started. She wants to let it linger, as long as she can.]
no subject
This is a man who's been so hardened over the past two decades, nothing could faze him. He took lives without batting an eye, committed crimes that would put him in jail for life. He's done a lot of horrible things in his time.
Joel's tightening his hold on her, keeping her flush against his front. She was all he'd had back in Boston, the connections they'd made together, the routines they'd shared, the small moments, the comfortable silence they'd kept between them whenever spending time together whether it had been him cleaning his guns and she counted their supplies and ration cards. He had lost that when she had stayed behind.
Her fingers against his scalp feel so good, so real. He doesn't want to think back to the days he'd spent in his room back in the base when she'd just left. The bitter anger, the tears, the pain. That darkness.
His shoulders begin to tremble, small tremors at first, and Joel lowers his head until he's pressing his face into her shoulder, burying it there. He doesn't sob brokenly, he only lets his tears slip past tightly squeezed shut eyelids, a broken heaving breath the only other indicator. ]
no subject
Except this. This is not something she's ever prepared for. It's not that she doesn't realize how much he's lost - she knows, as well as anyone, but part of why they worked so well for so long was knowing when to talk about stuff and when to just leave them where they were.
They can't do that anymore. Not now. Not after everything.
All she can do is keep hold of him, keep running her fingers through his hair, squeeze her eyes shut and let it run its course. However long it takes, she'll be here.]
I'm so sorry. [She knows he said not to apologize, but she has to, she has to let him know that she means it, that she never wanted to do this to him, that it tears her up inside to see him like this and know she caused it.]