Something deep in Bariyan twisted as Martin curled against his arm, wrenching hard at him, painful, but in a way that did not make him hurt. There.
Had he atoned here, with Martin, with this? Had he done right? Even putting Komini's memory aside, had he done right by Martin himself? Bariyan could not be sure. Perhaps he never would be.
But even as his doubts crawled through his soul, he could not bring himself to care, not now, not yet. Because Martin was here again, he was alive, and... and for now, Bariyan felt nothing short of blessed. This was the calmest he'd been since arriving in this world; the happiest.
He tightened his fingers around Martin's hand, tight but not crushing. Another chance. Not one that he deserved, gods knew, but one that he had received despite all. Not just a second chance, but a third. For there had been a first....
Martin had never been just some scared boy; no child ever was, in Bariyan's eyes. Not after his own son. Ko, always Ko, the first of his failures, Ko whom he had sent away, banished further than he'd ever meant to. And in the end, that was it, wasn't it? That was always it, as much as Bariyan kept it under, as much as he refused to admit it. In all this time. All this suffering. Because--
Because I have to, Bariyan had said. Because I must atone for my mistakes.
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Had he atoned here, with Martin, with this? Had he done right? Even putting Komini's memory aside, had he done right by Martin himself? Bariyan could not be sure. Perhaps he never would be.
But even as his doubts crawled through his soul, he could not bring himself to care, not now, not yet. Because Martin was here again, he was alive, and... and for now, Bariyan felt nothing short of blessed. This was the calmest he'd been since arriving in this world; the happiest.
He tightened his fingers around Martin's hand, tight but not crushing. Another chance. Not one that he deserved, gods knew, but one that he had received despite all. Not just a second chance, but a third. For there had been a first....
Martin had never been just some scared boy; no child ever was, in Bariyan's eyes. Not after his own son. Ko, always Ko, the first of his failures, Ko whom he had sent away, banished further than he'd ever meant to. And in the end, that was it, wasn't it? That was always it, as much as Bariyan kept it under, as much as he refused to admit it. In all this time. All this suffering. Because--
Because I have to, Bariyan had said. Because I must atone for my mistakes.