exsiliumlogs | [closed]

Entry tags:

[closed]

Date & Time: 01/24 onwards
Location: civic gardens usually, or just generally out 'n about
Characters: Bariyan e Kodhi (

blacklord), Martin Darkov (

theguideless), Ranka Lee (

symbioses), Koltira Brightdawn (

brightdawn), Ico (

hornedomen) POSSIBLY MORE TO BE ADDED IN THE FUTURE
Summary: Catch-all log for timeswap Bariyan 'n flower shenanigans
Warnings: timeswap Bariyan is weird

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[ Bariyan watches him move, and exhales a held breath. He follows Koltira to the bed, standing in front of him, arms crossed. At ease again. ]

Ah. Well... that, I'll accept.

[ And, still unsure of whether he's welcome, he moves in; leaning forwards, placing a knee on the mattress next to Koltira's hip, making to straddle his lap. Bariyan realizes his heart is racing. He's not sure if it's out of anticipation or fear, or a little bit of both. ]

[Koltira slips his arms around Bariyan's waist again, pulls him more fully and firmly onto his lap. Gently, he presses a kiss to Bariyan's neck, then rests his forehead against the hollow of Bariyan's collarbone.]

I was kind to you at first because it was the right thing to do. You needed help, and I gave it. I meant to let you alone after that ... but I like you. You're thoughtful. Sweet.

[Another kiss.] And your eyes really are striking.

[ Bariyan breathes sharply at the kisses against his neck. He likes that, quite a bit, and reciprocates by running his hands through Koltira's hair, brushing it back behind Koltira's ears. ]

I'm glad you didn't leave me. I'm glad that you're here.

[ He pulls away enough to kiss Koltira on the lips again. His mouth is a more demanding this time, almost hungry. Needing. Wanting affection, more than Bariyan is willing to admit.]

[Koltira's surprised by Bariyan's sudden eagerness, but certainly not displeased. He cups Bariyan's cheeks with both of his hands, returning the kiss, deepening it. When he pulls away, his keeps his hands where they are, keeps his eyes fixed to Bariyan's.]

I'm glad I'm here, too. For however long we have.

Not very long, I think.

[ Bariyan's breath is slightly ragged. He reaches for Koltira's face, running his fingers down, over Koltira's eyes, his cheeks, his lips, down, down to his throat and collarbone and over his chest. Then he kisses Koltira again, as he drops his hands to the other man's belt.

His lips move against Koltira's in a whisper. ]

Please.

[Koltira shudders at the stroke of Bariyan's hand. Oh, it's tempting. Bariyan's a handsome man, a good man, Koltira can tell--and who doesn't want to be wanted? But he knows it's not right. Even regardless of the circumstances under which they met, it's obvious that the traumas in Bariyan's mind are not singular, not confined to that one series of injuries. Terrible things have happened to him, crushing things, and he's vulnerable.

An honorable man does not take advantage of vulnerability.]

I ...

[Koltira shakes his head; puts his hands over Bariyan's, gently pushing away.]

Let's just relax a little, all right? Come on.

[He leans back on the bed, pulling Bariyan with him, holding him close. He presses his cheek to Bariyan's hair.]

Just relax.

[ Bariyan goes down with him, confusion flickering briefly in his eyes. Had he stepped too far? Assumed too much? Koltira's hold on him is reassuring, but....

Bariyan braces his forearms against Koltira and pushes himself up, just slightly, not entirely breaking out of Koltira's embrace. ]

I'm sorry. [ Now his anxiety shows, and he's thinking of Cat again. Cat, easily angered. ] Did I do something wrong?

[Koltira strokes Bariyan's hair gently, shaking his head, his voice soft.]

No, nothing at all. I just think this might be better, for now.

[He kisses Bariyan's forehead.]

I'd just like to hold you, if that's all right.

[ The concept of physical intimacy without intercourse is almost alien to Bariyan, now; Cat had often been loathe to touch him except in bed. So Bariyan stares blankly at nothing for a long while, before he lets the tension drain out of his shoulders again.

It's hard to avoid comparing everything against Cat, sometimes. ]

Of course.

[ Who is he to ask for anything else? Bariyan smiles and shifts himself off Koltira, moving onto the mattress instead. He presses himself against Koltira, bowing his head against Koltira's chest. ]

I'm sorry... that I assumed....

[Koltira threads his fingers in Bariyan's hair, sighing deeply.]

Trust me, Bariyan, you don't have anything to be sorry for.

[because, of course, Koltira does--did--want to keep going. It was just wrong, that was all.]

You don't know that.

[ Bariyan closes his eyes. He shivers, and he's not sure why. He's warm, Koltira's touch is pleasant, and this is the most relaxed he's been in quite a while. And he should just accept that, should just enjoy this moment. Gods know he doesn't have much time left. Not that he thinks he deserves this time, at all.

He curls fingers into the front of Koltira's shirt. He goes silent. ]

I know it for as far as I'm concerned.

[He runs his hand down through Bariyan's hair, to his back, where he rubs between Baryian's shoulderblades in firm circles. He's not fool enough to think he can dispel the sadness that clings to Bariyan, but if he can comfort him, assuage him in some way ... it's worth it to try, at least.]

I could just be using you. [ Posed hypothetically, but Bariyan can't read his own heart very well. It may be true, and it may be that he doesn't want to admit it. He turns his thoughts over in his head, and continues in a murmur. ] Taking advantage of your kindness. You don't know....

[Koltira continues to rub Bariyan's back as he responds.]

I'm giving you that kindness freely and without condition, so taking advantage of it isn't possible.

Oh, gods. Yes. Yes, it is. [ Bariyan wraps his arms around Koltira, suddenly, slipping one arm between Koltira and the mattress in order to do so. ] But I hope it never happens to you.

[Ah, that feels nice. Koltira shuts his eyes, hugging Bariyan to him.]

It might. It might not. It probably already has. But, Bariyan ... even if that's what this is, I don't mind.

You can't say that. [ Bariyan sounds agitated. ] That's how you get hurt -- you have to mind, eventually. You...

[ He checks himself, realizing how insane he's starting to sound. A little too late. His shoulders have drawn together, tightly, and something like unease has started to settle in. ]

[Koltira touches Bariyan's left shoulder, frowning in concern.]

Bariyan ...? Are you all right?

[ He squeezes Koltira and holds tight for a long moment. As if hoping that his mind will settle, hoping that his conscience will allow him this one thing, this one night -- or even this one moment.

But guilt runs heavy through Bariyan's veins. It had been dammed up by willful blankness, by the wine from earlier. That dam has broken, now.

This is wrong, he thinks. Everything about this is wrong. He has to leave. He must. ]

I'm sorry. [ Bariyan disentangles himself, pushes himself back, starts to get up. He doesn't look at Koltira. Hid movements, his very words are panic-stricken. ] I can't-- I shouldn't. You've been very kind, but-- I-- I'm so sorry.

[Damn. Koltira's not exactly surprised by this sudden turn--it's in keeping with the strange back and forth he's been going through since they met--but it's upsetting, nevertheless. He shakes his head, starting to move as well.]

No--it's all right. I'll leave, okay? I'll go. This is your place.

No, please, by all means-- stay. It's all right. [ Bariyan laughs, as if Koltira had been speaking in jest. His laughter is warm, seemingly genuine, and entirely out of place with his current behavior.

Bariyan moves a little more quickly, and is back up on his feet before Koltira. ]

It's just that-- that it's not, though. [ Bariyan smiles. ] That's part of the problem. This isn't my place at all--

[ He moves quickly, heading for the door. ]

I should go.

[ But his voice cracks on those last few syllables, and his fingers are shaky against the doorknob. ]

[The disconnect between his tone and his body language alarms Koltira. He follows Bariyan to the door, places his hand over Bariyan's shaking fingers.]

Of course. I know--it's not ... this place does not belong to most of us, right? You're not alone in that. But we're still here now.

[He squeezes gently.]

Bariyan, I can't claim to know your circumstances. I won't try, and I won't ask. All I ask is that you understand that they are different. For the moment, they are different.

[he exhales.] Please. I will go, if that's what you want. But you must stay.

It's more than that. [ Bariyan clenches his fingers into a fist to stop the shaking. ] I still-- I shouldn't be alive. I don't want to be....

[ In this moment, Bariyan wants nothing more than to push the door open and just leave. To get away, to find his way home. To go where he belongs, instead of hiding here. And it does feel like hiding, now. Like putting off the inevitable. The wait is always the worst part.

He has to remind himself that he has standards to uphold, even now, even with his dying breath, when it finally comes to that. Standards that are growing harder and harder to remember. But he has to try.

He turns himself around to put his back to the door. He breathes in, deep, so that when he speaks his voice is steady, level, calm. Still at odds with the almost-mad flicker in his eyes. ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. I am using you.

Edited 2013-01-31 16:22 (UTC)

[Well, that hurts a bit to hear, and his face falls, just for a moment. Then he shakes his head, smiling weakly.]

I kind of thought that maybe you were. It's all right.

[He steps back, turning towards the dresser, toward the plumeria flower still sitting there. Koltira picks up the plumeria, looks at it as though examining it for hidden meanings. Ultimately, he shrugs, threading the stem through his belt loop.]

I'm so sorry that I couldn't do anything for you. But I'm still glad I met you, and I'm glad that you're alive. There's no reason to rush towards the future, you know? It's going to happen, one way or the other, and I don't think either of us have a choice in that while we're here.

[he takes a step towards Bariyan, inclines his head as if to suggest that the other man move out of the way.]

I'll let you alone now.

[ Bariyan watches Koltira move, and feels a sharp jab in his chest. A sensation not unlike being stabbed.

He thinks, for a brief moment, about asking Koltira to stay. He doesn't want the man to go; he wants Koltira to stay, wants to kiss him again, wants to fall asleep in Koltira's arms and pretend that maybe he'll be allowed to stay here, that maybe he doesn't have to die yet. But that is selfish, too. And Bariyan has exploited Koltira enough tonight.

Standards. He is a dead man, and he is Catsovi e Viciro's, besides. He should not have done this. He should have acted his role, and known his place.

Bariyan bows his head, and steps away. ]

I've misled you... hurt you. I'm sorry. [ He cannot be sorry enough. ]

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brightdawn - 2013-01-31 17:30 (UTC) - Expand

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blacklord - 2013-01-31 17:47 (UTC) - Expand

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