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Date & Time: 01/24 onwards
Location: civic gardens usually, or just generally out 'n about
Characters: Bariyan e Kodhi (

blacklord), Martin Darkov (

theguideless), Ranka Lee (

symbioses), Koltira Brightdawn (

brightdawn), Ico (

hornedomen) POSSIBLY MORE TO BE ADDED IN THE FUTURE
Summary: Catch-all log for timeswap Bariyan 'n flower shenanigans
Warnings: timeswap Bariyan is weird

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I could just be using you. [ Posed hypothetically, but Bariyan can't read his own heart very well. It may be true, and it may be that he doesn't want to admit it. He turns his thoughts over in his head, and continues in a murmur. ] Taking advantage of your kindness. You don't know....

[Koltira continues to rub Bariyan's back as he responds.]

I'm giving you that kindness freely and without condition, so taking advantage of it isn't possible.

Oh, gods. Yes. Yes, it is. [ Bariyan wraps his arms around Koltira, suddenly, slipping one arm between Koltira and the mattress in order to do so. ] But I hope it never happens to you.

[Ah, that feels nice. Koltira shuts his eyes, hugging Bariyan to him.]

It might. It might not. It probably already has. But, Bariyan ... even if that's what this is, I don't mind.

You can't say that. [ Bariyan sounds agitated. ] That's how you get hurt -- you have to mind, eventually. You...

[ He checks himself, realizing how insane he's starting to sound. A little too late. His shoulders have drawn together, tightly, and something like unease has started to settle in. ]

[Koltira touches Bariyan's left shoulder, frowning in concern.]

Bariyan ...? Are you all right?

[ He squeezes Koltira and holds tight for a long moment. As if hoping that his mind will settle, hoping that his conscience will allow him this one thing, this one night -- or even this one moment.

But guilt runs heavy through Bariyan's veins. It had been dammed up by willful blankness, by the wine from earlier. That dam has broken, now.

This is wrong, he thinks. Everything about this is wrong. He has to leave. He must. ]

I'm sorry. [ Bariyan disentangles himself, pushes himself back, starts to get up. He doesn't look at Koltira. Hid movements, his very words are panic-stricken. ] I can't-- I shouldn't. You've been very kind, but-- I-- I'm so sorry.

[Damn. Koltira's not exactly surprised by this sudden turn--it's in keeping with the strange back and forth he's been going through since they met--but it's upsetting, nevertheless. He shakes his head, starting to move as well.]

No--it's all right. I'll leave, okay? I'll go. This is your place.

No, please, by all means-- stay. It's all right. [ Bariyan laughs, as if Koltira had been speaking in jest. His laughter is warm, seemingly genuine, and entirely out of place with his current behavior.

Bariyan moves a little more quickly, and is back up on his feet before Koltira. ]

It's just that-- that it's not, though. [ Bariyan smiles. ] That's part of the problem. This isn't my place at all--

[ He moves quickly, heading for the door. ]

I should go.

[ But his voice cracks on those last few syllables, and his fingers are shaky against the doorknob. ]

[The disconnect between his tone and his body language alarms Koltira. He follows Bariyan to the door, places his hand over Bariyan's shaking fingers.]

Of course. I know--it's not ... this place does not belong to most of us, right? You're not alone in that. But we're still here now.

[He squeezes gently.]

Bariyan, I can't claim to know your circumstances. I won't try, and I won't ask. All I ask is that you understand that they are different. For the moment, they are different.

[he exhales.] Please. I will go, if that's what you want. But you must stay.

It's more than that. [ Bariyan clenches his fingers into a fist to stop the shaking. ] I still-- I shouldn't be alive. I don't want to be....

[ In this moment, Bariyan wants nothing more than to push the door open and just leave. To get away, to find his way home. To go where he belongs, instead of hiding here. And it does feel like hiding, now. Like putting off the inevitable. The wait is always the worst part.

He has to remind himself that he has standards to uphold, even now, even with his dying breath, when it finally comes to that. Standards that are growing harder and harder to remember. But he has to try.

He turns himself around to put his back to the door. He breathes in, deep, so that when he speaks his voice is steady, level, calm. Still at odds with the almost-mad flicker in his eyes. ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. I am using you.

Edited 2013-01-31 16:22 (UTC)

[Well, that hurts a bit to hear, and his face falls, just for a moment. Then he shakes his head, smiling weakly.]

I kind of thought that maybe you were. It's all right.

[He steps back, turning towards the dresser, toward the plumeria flower still sitting there. Koltira picks up the plumeria, looks at it as though examining it for hidden meanings. Ultimately, he shrugs, threading the stem through his belt loop.]

I'm so sorry that I couldn't do anything for you. But I'm still glad I met you, and I'm glad that you're alive. There's no reason to rush towards the future, you know? It's going to happen, one way or the other, and I don't think either of us have a choice in that while we're here.

[he takes a step towards Bariyan, inclines his head as if to suggest that the other man move out of the way.]

I'll let you alone now.

[ Bariyan watches Koltira move, and feels a sharp jab in his chest. A sensation not unlike being stabbed.

He thinks, for a brief moment, about asking Koltira to stay. He doesn't want the man to go; he wants Koltira to stay, wants to kiss him again, wants to fall asleep in Koltira's arms and pretend that maybe he'll be allowed to stay here, that maybe he doesn't have to die yet. But that is selfish, too. And Bariyan has exploited Koltira enough tonight.

Standards. He is a dead man, and he is Catsovi e Viciro's, besides. He should not have done this. He should have acted his role, and known his place.

Bariyan bows his head, and steps away. ]

I've misled you... hurt you. I'm sorry. [ He cannot be sorry enough. ]

[Koltira lifts his hand dismissively.]

Don't give it another thought.

[He glances again at the plumeria flower. After a moment, he pulls it from his belt, then reaches over and slips it behind Bariyan's ear. Another smile, though still weaker than before.]

Ah, I was right. It does look much better on you.

[He turns to go.]

[ Bariyan raises a hand to the flower, brushing the petals gently with the tips of his fingers, not looking at Koltira. A lifetime of mistakes, continued here. He'd thought to enjoy his time here as best as he could, accept his powerlessness, and wait for the world to right itself... he hadn't meant to get involved. In anything, or anyone.

He only raises his eyes to watch Koltira go. And, again, that treacherous voice in the back of his head -- why not ask him to stay? Why not? He is alive, for now, and Cat isn't here, and it's so, painfully obvious that they both want to-- but it's not right. Cat not being here is hardly a legitimate excuse. And Bariyan deserves absolutely no compassion in any form.

Gods, he's despicable.

He smiles at Koltira, helplessly and hopelessly. ]

Thank you. Good night, Koltira.

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