exsiliumlogs | ( closed ) well, so long to the thunder

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( closed ) well, so long to the thunder

Date & Time: February 25th.
Location: The training hall!
Characters: Sayaka Miki/

fortissimos & Barnaby Brooks Jr/

bandai
Summary: WHEN HERO WORSHIP GOES WRONG
Warnings: yeah okay this one's gonna have some suffering.

[ Sayaka's schedule is erratic, but the major constant is how much time she spends training. It's not always in the training hall (sometimes she doesn't want her powers on display, doesn't want to have to answer questions or deal with people in general), but lately she's been better about... well, everything, and so she's back with everybody else, doing her best not to destroy too many dummies with her swords.

After a particularly draining attack, she stops to take a breath, only for it to immediately catch in her throat when she sees Barnaby walk in. For a moment she thinks of confronting him, but quickly discards that idea. A slight improvement doesn't mean she can stand up to someone like that — after their last conversation, she hadn't even considered the possibility of showing her face to him again — and she takes a step backward, face white and eyes darting towards the door. She'll never make it without him noticing, and while she could probably sneak past, the idea of doing anything is suddenly too much to deal with. ]

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( he makes it to training on a daily basis, though his schedule depends largely on his work schedule, among other things. it's funny to consider the length of time he's been here when it comes to mundane things like this; there was a time when he'd spent most of his time in the training facilities, but that was before the police force had blossomed into something real, before he'd come to have any measure of stability in this place.

what he doesn't expect is to see sayaka, which he does just after she notices him; the motion from her step backward is what gets his attention. the last talk he'd had with sayaka still weights heavily on his mind - it was horrifying to hear anyone, let alone a girl her age, talk like that, and he's considered more than once bringing it up to someone else for help. but in the absence of the knowledge of who could and what would be appropriate (given that it's her own story to tell, but still, she's a child), he's settled on trying to keep an eye out for her when he can. she clearly still doesn't want to be around him, let alone talk to him, but it's only after a short pause that he approaches her slowly. )

Good morning, Sayaka.

[ Dimly, she's grateful there aren't a lot of people around right now. She doesn't have the composure to take this somewhere less crowded — barely had enough to not just run off the moment she saw him — and she doesn't want to make a scene. ]

You... [ She's angry, but it's an anger that's one step off tears. Her grip tightens on the hilt of her sword, a sudden motion that makes it tilt upwards in her hand. ] Why are you being so nice to me? Don't you remember what I said before?

[ Things have gotten better over the last few days, but that doesn't change everything; doesn't make what she told him any less true, any less horrible. He still shouldn't be talking to her. ]

I remember.

( he says, tone mild as milk. he approaches her, but walks past her without hesitation, approaching one of the training dummies that isn't leaking out its stuffing. )

Still, ( he says, pausing and then turning back to look at her ) what I said still stands, too. Anyway, there's a difference between being "so nice" and "not being rude."

( it's harsher than what he really means, but he hopes it's something she'd respond to better, at least. )

It doesn't matter.

[ To her, anything except being rude is 'too nice'. She keeps her gaze fixed on one of the walls, forcing her voice to stay steady. ]

Hey. You're a hero, right? A real one. [ The kind she compares herself against, time and time again. ] I haven't killed anyone, but... I thought about it. Just for a second, I wondered how things might have changed if I'd let someone die.

[ It's not quite the same thing, but to her, it might as well be. To think that about Hitomi over something so insignificant... it's unforgivable. ]

I mean... I regret it now, but I can't change the fact I thought like that. It's wrong. [ I'm wrong. ] Someone who thinks like that can't be a hero. Knowing that should be enough for you to hate me. [ Like she hates herself. Like she'd have hated someone else who thought the same thing. ]

( he listens to that quietly, perhaps unsurprised that she'd think what he said doesn't matter. someone so convinced of her own worthlessness, her own failure to enforce justice or be heroic...of course it wouldn't be so easy as a few pretty words. )

Sayaka, ( he says, looking her in the face if he can't meet her eyes ) I want you to tell me a hero is, to you.

[ It isn't a hard question, not exactly, but she still hesitates. Mami is the obvious answer in her mind, but to put those qualities into words... she sighs, gaze dropping to her feet. ]

A defender of justice. Someone who puts everyone else before themselves, and doesn't need anything in return. [ The last part is what makes her hand ball into a fist. She'd been so sure, and yet... ] ... It's pretty rare to find someone like that, though. I guess it's not as easy as they make it look.

It's incredibly rare. ( he makes that allowance, still watching her. ) In fact, until a few years ago, I would've said that it's a naive fantasy. I met someone who was able to change my mind, but even so - that's still an ideal. Rather than being what any person is like, that's more of what a person should aspire to be. Honestly, trying to compare people to ideals only leads to disappointment.

( and really, he would know. )

Edited 2013-03-21 22:00 (UTC)

... I know. [ Though Mami is still an exception, in her mind. It's just an acknowledgment that most people are flawed in some way. ] I know it's an ideal, but... I still failed at trying to reach that, you know? I ruined my chance.

[ Because there is only one chance, at least for herself. If she'd thought like that once, over something so petty, who's to say she wouldn't do it again? If Mami found out, she'd surely be angry — and disappointed, the worst idea of all. ]

For a while there, I thought I'd be better off dead. I figured if I just vanished, people would only remember the good parts of me, and nobody would ever have to find out about that stuff. [ First at home, and then again a few weeks ago. The memory makes her frown, still far too recent to be anything short of painful. ] ... But I can still help people, so it's probably okay for me to be here. It'd be selfish to abandon them.

( i thought i'd be better off dead.

there's nothing that makes it easier to hear something like that coming from a little girl, much as he felt the same, sometimes, at her age. it's easier to be blind to one's own tragedy; see all the ways one deserves to feel the way one does or suffer for whatever reasons. but in someone else, it's all but intolerable. and hadn't he, only a few months ago, thought about how he'd be better off dead than risking becoming one of maverick's dolls again? )

It'd be more than selfish - it'd be unforgivable. Accidents, even human nature, are one thing...but to willingly abandon people who could be protected with your help, going out of your way to hurt them like that - that's what I would truly call despicable.

Yeah, you're right. I thought the same thing back home... I was just gonna keep fighting until I couldn't anymore. A magical girl's no good if she can't kill a witch, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

[ And a witch or familiar would have taken care of things for her, eventually. There wouldn't have been a body, and she would have just been listed as missing forever; an easier result for everyone around her. ]

After Mami-san died... I couldn't live up to someone like her. I'm not strong, and I don't have the right attitude. [ She grits her teeth; resists the urge to take a step back, to shrink away. ] I can't stand the idea of being a burden. You know enough now, so you shouldn't talk to me.

( her response now is telling, even if there are a lot of things he lacks the particulars about - witches and magical girls, someone named mami who's now dead (and how old was she, he wonders). listening to her feels too much like looking into a mirror, and perhaps that - along with her last declaration - is what makes him say, )

Even if I know enough, I don't think you do. For all that I told you, I left out many important details.

[ She doesn't want to know. Ignorance is bliss, in one way, but some part of her presses ahead. For just a moment, she glances up to make eye contact. ]

You did? [ Resigned as she is, there's a note of curiosity in her voice — but it flickers out before she speaks again, looking back down at the ground. ] ... It shouldn't matter. What's that gonna change, anyway?

What you think of me, likely.

( he can acknowledge it, somewhat softly and sounding younger than usual, for a moment. )

Frankly, while I don't mind being seen as a Hero, it is still a job I took up in my world - and for my own reasons - so to think of me as someone special for that reason seems disingenuous.

( reminds him a little of maverick, you have more than surpassed my wishes, you should be grateful, i just had to make you a hero. )

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( closed ) well, so long to the thunder

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WOW I'M SORRY THIS IS LATE

YOU SHOULD BE!! (i'm kidding omg)

oh my god HI I DIDN'T FORGET THIS I SWEAR

gross who invited you back

i did x(

too bad >(

x(!!!!

X( also wow this thread is awful

IT REALLY IS

weh

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