( closed )

[ganking]

Date & Time: backdated to march 6th, evening.
Location: starts at sam's apartment.
Characters: sam & dean winchester.
Summary: winchesters have a tendency to be stupid and then regretting it. this is the regretting part.
Warnings: language possibly.

[ it's thanks to cas that dean stands behind sam's door. thanks to cas that he'd finally sort of understood that his approach to sam's presence in exsilium, his need to keep his brother safe hasn't been the right one. he still.... wishes he could do what he wants, keep sam away from it all and that would be it, not headbutting from his brother.

but nothing is ever that easy. and dean.... he should damn well know that by now.

the knock is quiet but there. dean doesn't know much about sam's roommates (another glaring sign he's fucked this up. he doesn't know much about sam's time here at all) but he hopes he can save a meeting with them for some other time. ]

Comments

[ganking]

[ dean huffs, it's more frustrated with himself than sam though. don't pick on his words!!! ]

I know. [ and no, don't ask that. dean clearly hesitates there, worry flashing over his face because nobody wants to hear that it's after death than things get horrible. but he'd promised to include sam, and this was bound to come up sooner or later.

there's barely a nod. ]

Yeah, Sam. [ pause. ] But you knew that's where you were headin', you made the choice when you decided to stop Lucifer.

[bikininspector]

[This can't be happening. Every conversation he has just makes things worse and worse. First they tell him he's dead, then that it wasn't quick. Now that he's gone to hell. What's next? He's as ok as can be Dean said. Does that mean he's insane? Drooling in some mental hospital, wearing a diaper and screaming his lungs out? Is that the future he's supposed to work to come home to, work to save?

It's not fair. He doesn't care that it's an immature thought. It's not. Fair. He's given so much already - him, dad, Dean - they dedicated their lives. He lost Jess to this fight. And now he must also lose himself?

Hell. He's always tried to do his best, to be a good person and this is the reward God set out for him? Hell?

Now it all made sense, why Dean freaked out so badly when he found out about the devil. Heck, he'd have a meltdown in his brother's shoes.

He's not sure he's not having a meltdown right now.

What were the signs for a heartattack again? His left arm is supposed to hurt, doesn't it? Does it hurt? He can't tell. He reaches for it, trying to squeeze it, to get some sort of a reaction, but he senses nothing. His whole body seemed to have gone numb.

When he finally looks up at his brother, he looks more like the 12 year old he turned into not too long ago, the one who looked up to his brother and counted on him to make everything right. The one who believed in him as a child does in a superhero.]

At least tell me it was worth it.

[ganking]

[ there are so many things that happen between where sam was from to dean's last memories of home, so many years of steady falling on the fair scale, to their life becoming such shit. but dean doesn't want to go into detail, not when it isn't needed.

and he knows he needs to give sam room there, to let it sink in.

at least tell me it was worth it. ]

Nothing's worth you losing your life, Sam. [ his voice is quiet, even as he continues. ] But you did save the world.

[bikininspector]

[Oddly enough, there's something uplifting about what Dean is saying. In all this pain he finally sees his brother, the one who would rather watch the world burn than his little brother suffering. Or dying.

What it must have done to Dean.]

Guess if I was gonna die anyway might as well make it count, right?

[ganking]

[ what it did to him is a topic for another day, right now dean goes for a smile, though it's not quite there. ]

And you made it count good, Sam. [ despite the sadness, the year with lisa that he'd wasted wishing he could do something to bring sam back-- dean had been proud of his brother, so very, very proud. ]

That, and you did come back. I'm not sayin' any of it was easy, or that things are the same as before it-- but you're alive, which is all that matters. Everything else can be worked on.

[bikininspector]

[A part of him wants to ask, but a bigger part of him shuts it up. He can't handle any more truth, not right now. He doesn't want to know how crazy he is. He never thought his life as it is now would seem good, and yet.]

Good. Bet dad still had criticism though.

[Cuz that would lighten the mood, right?]

[ganking]

[ dean snorts quietly at that. ]

Dad can shove his opinions. [ seriously. ] But no, Sam, he'd be proud, and you know it. [ he had been, when they'd found him-- always had been. there might not be any convincing sam, but dean knows it. and whenever they get sam back home, he'll come to see it for himself. ]

[bikininspector]

[He'd be. He's afraid to ask. After everything he's already learned -- he doesn't want to know.]

Wait hold on -- lemme get my camera -- and you can say that again, I wanna save it for posterity.

[Dean saying dad can shove anything -- it's amazing, how much the little things can help. One little thing after another, and maybe one day he could breathe again.]

[ganking]

[ have an eye roll, sammy. he's still smiling though. ]

Careful, he'd find a way to get himself over here to kick my ass. [ or the initiative could just, you know, zap him here again. ]

[bikininspector]

Nah, he'd just kick mine.

[He likes Dean too much, or so Sam sees him at least. He'd blame him for being a bad influence on his brother, probably. How would he take hearing his shameful failure of a son saved the world?

Only in their family could he be the black sheep for going to college. The bitterness almost seems absurd, compared to the pain of everything else. But it's familiar, it's something he can understand and deal with. So he focuses on it.]

[ganking]

[ dean snorts. there's no doubt he'd kick both their asses, if you ask him.

after a beat though, a more serious expression fills his face again. ]

So you okay, man? I know it's a lot to learn and all, and not something fun to look forward to, but... in the end, things're fairly okay.

[bikininspector]

[Is he okay? No. Absolutely not. He feels sick to his stomach, he's terrified, he's furious, he's a million different things he's still too numb to feel. Okay? Not one of them.

But Dean only now put any sort of faith in him. What will happen if he told the truth? Dean will never trust him. He'll go back to treating him like the mental patient he'll become.]

I'll be okay.

[He doubts it, but you never let it show, not in this family.]