exsiliumlogs | [closed]

Billy self-consciously straightens the room, fussing with sheet corners and pushing the stool (ah yes, the stool, he'd forgotten it) into a convenient place. When did he get so concerned about the mess? He'd let Kaworu see how he keeps his garage, hadn't he?

Maybe it was one of those things that got to be part of his whole act over the past year. He sighs and closes the door, leaning against it to start. His voice is light, but the promise of future revelation is there in how it dips.

"You know, I honestly can't remember how I left this room. It's the last thing I thought to carve in my memory. But if I had to guess, I'd say I originally had more tools scattered and my clothes thrown haphazardly around."

He sweeps his arm around the room, gesturing at the bed and stool. "Sit wherever you're comfortable."

Billy's apparently heightened neurosis doesn't escape his attention. Kaworu remembers the state of his garage well; all this tidiness feels a bit unlike him, although it's hard to say having never seen how he was before.

Trying to keep things comfortable and casual, he wanders over to his bed and plops down onto it, his hands sinking into the surface of the comforter.

"Does it feel strange to be back?" he asks quietly. His red eyes shift over to him with a curious radiance.

"Strange might be an understatement," Billy whispers, moving to sit on the stool. His posture's straight and rigid, all business, as if he's forgotten how to talk to a friend in casual conversation. Not that this is going to be a casual conversation. He's had friends in the past year, sure, and he misses them now, but how long has it been since he's been able to truly relax? With that thought, he takes a deep breath and searches for the right words.

"I feel like the person I was the last time in Exsilium was an entirely different Billy. I guess you could say that two days ago I didn't truly understand what it meant to lose things that were precious, to have my whole reality upended, to have real responsibility. Honestly, life in Exsilium is like a vacation compared to the last year."

He exhales, trying to walk the line between discussing dark situations and revealing too much. "When I try to get back to the mindset I had before, it's like learning to read and then trying to step back to the time when you couldn't. There's too much I know and can't ever forget, and even if I tried, the knowledge would still be there. I understand so much more, both about my work and about how important life is, and I can't go back."

It's funny. The person he is now seems so completely normal that looking back to his old self and the things he used to complain about makes him cringe inwardly. Has he really changed this much?

Kaworu watched him speak in silence, his eyes taking in his posture and gestures and hesitation. As the changes in him become apparent and sink in, his gaze softens into sympathy. Kaworu looks down at the floor thoughtfully when Billy pauses in his explanation.

"The harshness of adult life dampens youthful positivity," he says. "But that's not what you're talking about. You weren't just growing up for a year, were you. You were doing more of what caused you strife before."

Billy nodded his assent wearily, folding his hands over his leg as he prepared to talk. He closed his eyes, deep in thought as he dove back into his memories of the past year. Really, being an ex-Ranger hadn't brought him this much pain. There was more---did Kaworu already know? Whatever the case, the words were already tumbling out of his mouth.

"I told you that it was a war, harsher than this one. We were all gathered together on a space station---at first we thought we were kidnapped and could go home if we seized control, but we learned later that we were the last refugees from our destroyed worlds. Only a handful of people from each world were saved. Everyone else was eaten alive by vicious oversized insect creatures, our worlds burning all around us. Our memories of the incident were forcibly repressed for a while because they were supposedly too horrific for a human mind to handle."

Billy scoffed lightly at that notion. Yes, it was painful. No, it somehow wasn't the worst thing he'd ever seen. What was worse was...

"I was on the front lines. I already knew how to fight, somewhat, but I knew I was weak compared to others. So I spent hour after hour in training to toughen up, to make myself better, to keep anyone else from dying. But that didn't work."

After a moment's flashback, a face still fresh in his mind, Billy lifted his hands. He held up the palms, lightly discolored. The skin on them was tougher than before, with perhaps visible callouses.

"This happened when a friend of mine was dying, short-circuiting. I tried everything I knew, rewired and reconnected his circuits the best I could, but I wasn't fast enough. They told me that I can't take the blame, and I don't, but it's impossible to forget a sight like that."

Billy pulled his legs up, loosely draping his arms around one knee for comfort. "But I had to grow up sometime, didn't I?" he asked, his eyes cast downward to evade the enormity of his confession. Not about the death, the one about who he was.

Edited 2013-04-18 02:30 (UTC)

When Billy is finished, Kaworu doesn't say anything. He just stares at him from behind his bangs, his face emotionless.

This wasn't at all what he meant by what he said just before, and not at all what he'd expected to hear. In his core, it saddens him. Playing out a scenario set up by others, without a scrap of power to fix anything or even walk away - it's too much like what the other Evangelion pilots went through. What Kaworu went through.

"Is that how you feel now?" he finally asks, sensitive to Billy's discomfort. "After all of that, do you really feel like an adult?"

Billy didn't quite know what to say for a few moments. He watched his hands idly, half-remembering conversations with some of the older crew members. Remembering how war was to be expected, disaster accounted for in advance, peacetime viewed suspiciously (but treasured when it arose).

"I don't think it's necessary to go through all that to grow up---I wish it hadn't been part of it for me and everyone else there, but you know how useless wishes are without the power to act. The best I can hope for is that if we succeed here, some people won't have to lose all that, and I want to protect as many people from that loss as possible. Looking at the younger children who'd lost their families angered me beyond words."

It had been so long since he'd been able to think of his world as a safe and stable place that having a family to go home to and a core group of friends now seemed foreign. Billy would protect those futures with everything he had, but such innocence was long gone for him now.

He then shrugged, letting out a little awkward laugh. "And hey, now that I've been through all that, almost anything here is easy by comparison."

But you're not happy, Kaworu wants to say. Still - there's nothing that can be done now, is there? Billy is a kind person. He's loyal and puts others before himself. It's clear that hasn't be rung out of him, and it's a testament to his heart. And, even if it had been rung out, Kaworu would be here for him.

The bed creaks as Kaworu stands, and he walks around it, towards Billy. He's promised to help the other Evangelion pilots lead a happy life here - and he'll happily promise to do the same for Billy.

"It won't be easy," he says softly, stopping next to him to put a hand on his shoulder. Billy must listen. "Because a life like that is not easily forgotten. The defenses built around your heart cannot be torn down again. You'll struggle with the desire to be happy again, while wondering if it's possible. You're doing it now, aren't you?"

Am I that bad? Billy thinks. He takes in a shallow breath, turning his head to glance at Kaworu's hand on his shoulder. Billy's head lifts as he follows the line of Kaworu's arm, up to the face with the glinting red eyes. In this position, Billy can't avoid reflecting on his state of mind. His thoughts turn inward.

I'm happy sometimes---I have my friend, right? And some new ones? It wasn't all bad. We stayed together, but...it's a matter of waiting for the other shoe to drop, isn't it? The deaths disproportionately came from my department. Too many of us were self-sacrificing. But I was always wondering when a friend would die, or fade away...I guess I'm still in that mode now.

Billy's eyes are closed as he thinks, but the edges of pain ghost across his face. When he looks up again, he gives a shaky nod.

"You caught me. I'm always waiting for the inevitable turn for the worse these days," he whispers, a faint trace of sorrow behind it. "I try to be the same person I've always been, but...part of me is holding back, I know it."

Edited (tense-switching strikes again >.>) 2013-04-20 23:59 (UTC)

"You are the same person you've always been," he replies comfortingly. "You've gained a new, frightening set of memories. Scars that will make you look over your shoulder and second-guess yourself. But you are just as worthy and good as you've ever been. That person must set off to create the world and life he wants to have, as you've always been since the day you were born."

He gives his shoulder a little squeeze. This is all a lot for him, Kaworu can see that. But there's no use letting him wander around aimlessly for a while before trying to help.

"Kaworu..."

Billy doesn't understand. How can the other boy he hardly knows be so full of compassion and ready to give it? He's obviously practicing what he preaches, and Billy is grateful for the comfort, though the curiosity inside him is almost never satisfied.

But he believes Kaworu anyway, and Billy's mouth turns up into a fragile but genuine smile. He simply looks up and absorbs for a few moments, then resumes his questioning.

"How do you know what to say so well? Were you employed as a therapist wherever you were last?"

That gets a good-natured laugh out of him. Somehow, a question like that inevitably gets asked whenever he's trying to comfort a distraught Lilim. But it's only to be expected, isn't it? They rarely ever treat each other the way they could.

Kaworu pulls his hand away and steps back to the bed, sitting on the side closer to Billy now.

"...I live in a world inhabites by billions of Lilim," he says carefully as he sits. "I've spent a lot of time observing them. I try to understand the best I can."

"So you're a researcher, in a sense," Billy says with a quick nod. He can definitely understand that---observing, poring over information, trying to make connections. "You speak with such authority about many subjects. It makes sense. But there's still one hole..."

He leans back and flicks his gaze up Kaworu's face. "Research can't teach everything. It doesn't teach compassion, or about coping with war trauma---believe me, I've tried. You have some specific experience?"

"No," Kaworu answers, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. This is always an interesting conversation, but it's one he doesn't mind having. At least Billy doesn't have the same context that the Lilim who raised him back home did. They all wondered the same things, while simultaneously being terrified of him.

"Is 'compassion' and wanting to help people something that needs to be taught?" he asked. "If you think I have advice to give you about how you go about creating a new life for yourself, I don't - it's something, I'm afraid, that your kind struggles to discover for thesmelves."

Billy stretches his hands in front of him, flexing his fingers. Somehow, he's not surprised.

"No, I suppose not. You just keep surprising me with the depth of it---kindness, I mean."

He drums his fingers along his arms, soothing himself. "Some people used to treat me like I wasn't really human. I was too weird, too isolated, wrapped up in books and bolts instead of other people. But...I am, huh?"

Even when he tries to keep his head down and bottle his feelings. "Not that that means you're bad for being different, not at all! It's just really interesting. Honest."

Something from Kaworu's body language and expression says he's heard a lot of this before, but he's politely sits and listens anyway. Billy's a kind person, but he won't be convincing Kaworu that things wouldn't be different between them if he was a Lilim from his world who knew what he was.

As he listens with half his attention, he watches Billy's nervous fidgeting.

"Am I interesting?" he asks. Billy's a scientist, so it's not that surprising. And Kaworu's dodged a lot of his questions in the past. His eyes move down to the floor as he silently asks himself whether he should get into this topic with him.

"Yes, absolutely," Billy says without a concern in the world. "You look down from your metaphorical perch and know so much...you offer kindness readily, but not much about your interests and hobbies. Aside from that excellent piano piece I heard on the network."

Billy smiles at the memory of that. "I'm curious about a lot of things. I used to dream a lot about flying into space and visiting people from other worlds. I did, once---to Aquitar. The Aquatians had enormous brains, sitting almost exposed on their skulls---not that brain size and intelligence necessarily correlate, but it was interesting. They lived in an underwater society in an aquatic world, and I loved it there. But I digress. I just want to get to know you a little, that's all."

He sighs out a small laugh. "Well, I'm not someone like that. I was born on Earth."

He doesn't say more than that, and for a moment, it seems he isn't going to offer anything about himself. But then, he pulls his feet up and starts to untie his shoes.

"...In my world, Earth actually belongs to me," he begins, speaking slowly. "The Lilim call my kind 'angels,' but only because they don't fully understand the situation. They think we came to take their world from them, but technically, it's rightfully ours in the first place."

With one shoe untied, he pulls it off and tosses it to the floor before untying the other.

"I'm afraid it's a bit complicated. I don't want to bore you..."

That's more than Billy's heard from Kaworu in all the (admittedly brief) time they've known each other. He visibly perks up, his formerly rigid and businesslike posture starting to give way to his old curiosity.

Kaworu's story doesn't scare him. He's familiar with the stories of stolen land, and he's a little worried for the situation on Kaworu's world, but the forces at work there aren't at work here, right? Billy doesn't fear at all as he wonders.

He sees that Kaworu's getting comfortable---a hopeful sign. Or is it just the custom to take off shoes? He remembers reading something about that in an overview of Japanese culture, but it's been so long.

"You might've come to be called an angel another way by certain people," he whispers, awkwardly laughing at his flat joke (though a hint of sincere kindness was there). "But to be honest, I'd listen for a long time. Scientists need patience and curiosity above all else."

That comment makes Kaworu send a knowing glance at Billy, before he smiles back down at his shoe and pulls it off.

"Well..." He tries to think of where to start. "...When I call humans 'Lilim,' it's because it's a more accurate term for them. Earth was meant to be populated with life born from my mother, Adam. But another angel, Lilith, struck Adam down and took Earth for itself. Humans are its children. In reality, the entire race is a single angel that came from Lilith."

His shoes off, he pushes himself farther back on the bed and sits with his legs folded. As he's speaking, his voice is even and calm, but there's a sense of unease within it. Kaworu doesn't talk about these things, especially not with Lilim. And yet, here he is.

"The other angels, like myself, are born from Adam. You could say we're alternatives... other possible forms of life that could have taken hold on Earth. And we were born to eradicate them, and take back what was meant to be ours."

A look of concern crosses Billy's face at that last part. It's a very interesting tale, and he listens with rapt attention, but...born to eradicate? How intimidating.

Billy considers this. As far as he knows, Kaworu hasn't done anything to eradicate all the humans living around Exsilium. He's only known Kaworu to consider them interesting specimens, and he does spend an awful lot of time giving them advice. It could be false advice, meant to steer them on a dangerous path, or...what does his heart seem to say?

"You said you were born to kill us. You never said you were doing it, or intended to, or wanted to." There's a faint defensive edge, but his trust isn't erased here. He simply wonders.

The concern on his face doesn't escape his attention. No, it's familiar. It's what he's used to. That's the Lilim face he understands the best.

Kaworu looks him straight in the eyes, his face blank, the only intensity coming from the unnatural color of his eyes. "I intended to. I wanted to. And, I tried to."

Should he be saying this? Talking about this? Billy may withdraw from him. He may stop trusting him. But it's the truth, and it's not something that Kaworu is ashamed of. There's no apology in his voice or the emotionless look on his face.

"It is written on the palms of the Earth for the children of Adam and the children of Lilith to compete until one has perished. The fifteen of us born from Adam caused the Lilim to make enormous sacrifices and build incredible machines to fight us. Children, like you, were forced into them and suffered immensely from the battles. They're here, at Exsilium."

Billy's face darkens, surprised. He hadn't expected that. But a part of him still clings to that old kindness. Was it an act, or...

He became aware of where his weapon was in relation to his hand, his other hand clutched over his chest.

"People you fought...from your world..."

He looks sharply, searching for the one answer he knows he must find.

"Do you intend to kill me? Because I'd hate to fight."

But if necessary, he will. He has the steel in his eyes and strength in his bones to do it now.

Kaworu shakes his head slowly, his head bowed and eyes closed.

"I have no desire to fight you, much less kill you. You're my dear friend." There's a dark heaviness inside him as he answers - it's clear enough what Billy thinks of all this. It's that part which hurts him - not the bare facts of who he really is, but the reaction that Lilim have towards it. And how can he blame them? Kaworu are natural enemies, and they have every reason to fear him. It's ignorance not to be scared of him.

Still, Kaworu wants to try to set him at ease again. "I have never been insincere to you. These are not things I talk about with Lilim, but you earned my trust. Please, put your faith in the side of me that you already know, and listen to the rest of my story."

Edited 2013-04-22 15:33 (UTC)

Billy looks into Kaworu's dark eyes, sees that red. He searches for a sign that his trust in his friend wasn't misplaced. And deep within, with a soft nod, he finds it. His heart is telling him not to give up, and he's going to listen. He gives Kaworu a small encouraging smile. He doesn't drop his guard completely again, but it's lowered enough.

"Don't worry, I'm still listening."

That smile does encourage him, although he doesn't go so far as to smile back. Instead, he drops his routine empty expression, and relaxes his shoulders.

"Fifteen years ago in my world, a group of humans found Adam's remains at the south pole. One of them touched it, and the contact roused him from his sleep momentarily and caused a massive explosion. The Earth was pushed into turmoil by the natural disasters that followed. It was not a good time for Lilim.

"Still, these meddlers did not halt their scientific interest in Adam, even after it had obliterated itself. They found a half-formed embryo floating in the sea water, among the remains of Adam's soul. But they didn't really know what they had. They were afraid that Adam would regenerate and resurrect itself, so they gambled by placing its soul into the dead embryo. That's when I was conceived."

Of course, this is part of what made Kaworu so special even as an angel - his human body, which is really nothing more than a vessel for Adam's loose soul. But this is enough as it is, without the added detail that the other angels were enormous otherworldly monsters.

"This group of humans - they were following a very ancient text, which prophecized Adam's explosion, and my birth, and the coming of more angels. If we succeeded, humans would be reduced back to the building blocks of life and the Earth would revert to Adam to be populated with his progeny instead. But, as could be expected of Lilim, they only saw opportunity in this. They named their organization 'Seele,' and set about applying concepts of scientific invention to the situation. They concocted a method to exploit the ancient rules for their own gain, to become gods free to reshape the world how they desired. And as a part of the predetermined series of events, my destiny would also be twisted and reenvisioned for their own purposes.

"So, they took me, still nothing more than a fetus, to one of their facilities in Europe to be raised. That's where I learned to speak, to walk, to play the piano. Where I learned about Lilim and how I was different from them."

"And you were advised and trained about obliterating the Lilim?" Billy guessed next. He could get some idea of the heavy burden Kaworu carried, as an old soul with an ancient purpose trapped in the body of a teenager.

"Given all of that, how did you come to talk to us?"

"They didn't need to train me on how. From my earliest recollection, I could feel an instinctful pull towards something. Something on the other side of the world that I felt I had to go to. What they did, rather, was lie to me about what it was. They told me that Adam was still alive, and that the pull I felt was an angel's natural desire to return to Adam. In reality, it was Lilith that I felt. It was being imprisoned underground in Japan to protect it from angels when they came. Either way, I knew that touching my hand to that magnet would end humanity. And, I was happy to do it, even as I suspected in my teenage years that I was being lied to."

Kaworu pauses, knowing that Billy would not take the continuing matter-of-fact way he was talking about killing humans lightly.

"It didn't matter to me then. The world wasn't theirs to enjoy. They're cowardly, cruel, disagreeable creatures. I wouldn't say I hated them, but their well-being was of no consequence to me, if it meant getting what they taught me to want - returning to Adam and being released from under their thumb."

He rests his chin on his knees and stares at the bed sheets. Thinking back on how thoroughly he was manipulated makes him angry. Thinking back on his silent arrogant belief that he had them figured out makes him embarrassed.

"It was like that until only a few months ago. Right before I came to Exsilium, they sent me to Japan to finally carry out what I was supposed to do. But everything changed while I was there and I chose not to."

Edited 2013-04-22 18:51 (UTC)

Billy nods. This isn't the first time he's heard about humanity's great sins, or hatred for his kind. It's not new. But Kaworu's case is a little different---there's deception there, a great universe jerking Kaworu around and having a laugh at his expense. It couldn't be an easy situation at all, and Billy feels his heart going out to his friend.

With a quiet sigh, he stands, shifting over to sit beside Kaworu on the bed. There, his hand lifts to grip his friend's shoulder. "And that's when you met the Lilim you were ready to obliterate. Did they surprise you?"

When Billy moves, Kaworu's eyes dart up to follow him, and he looks at the hand on his shoulder with a taint of disbelief on his face. It's a rare spontaneous emotion from him, and it fades just as quickly as it came. He definitely wasn't expecting him to come over, nevermind touch him.

This is all very strange. Both the experience of telling someone all of this, and of the up-and-down reactions to it.

He looks away again as he continued. "Not really. Lilim are mostly the same everywhere," he says. "But I got to meet one of the people who had fought the angels up to then - one of the child pilots I mentioned. He's the one who made me rethink how I looked at the rest of them."

But things are not good right now between him and that boy, Shinji Ikari. Without missing a beat, he tries to skip over that chapter.

"At this point, millions of years after Lilith's trespass, the planet really belongs to the Lilim. Not me or anyone else. They need it for reasons greater than any of mine ever were. And they need each other, too. For all of their flaws, there is worth inside them."

Ah, then this one Lilim is special. Is he here? Billy wonders about that, but he might need to find the answer later. Instead, he stays where he is at Kaworu's side, mulling over all that Kaworu has told him. What an existence that must be.

"On one hand, it's a relief to me for selfish reasons. On the other...I'm sorry about the loss of what was meant to be yours. I can't imagine what it's like to go through all of that and still...It can't be easy making a home among us, can it?"

And yet Kaworu holds himself together and offers kindness so readily. Billy looks at Kaworu with respect in his eyes. How could he do that and not allow resentment for all that had happened to consume him?

Maybe there's an example to learn from here. Or maybe they're both lost in their own ways. He gives Kaworu a quick squeeze around the shoulders before dropping his arm.

"But I'm glad to know you anyway."

Edited 2013-04-23 00:44 (UTC)

All of this, very strange. A part of him is happy Billy hasn't kicked him out of his apartment after hearing all of that, and another part of him wonders what their relationship will be like now that he knows. He's never gone through that kind of explanation to any Lilim - not at home and not since coming here.

But the strangest thing of all is that half-hug as Billy squeezes his shoulders. Kaworu knows it's meant to comfort him, but he isn't sure he feels comforted. Not much of what he explained to Billy actually causes him much strife - he's pretty well-adjusted. He blames Lilim for their treatment of him as much as one could blame a dog for chewing up the couch during a lonely day. But everything with Shinji... Kaworu's death... and what's been going on here...

He shakes his head at his own thoughts, not that Billy would know. That's not what they're talking about. He doesn't care to bring any of that up now, anyway.

"I don't talk with Lilim about this. It's not within your purview; it's not meant to be. But this world is not my world." He thinks carefully, and then lifts his head to look at him. "I hope that I satisfied your curiosity. I'm glad to know you, too."

Edited 2013-04-23 01:39 (UTC)

Billy nods, an understanding expression on his face. He sits up straight, deep in thought for a moment. "You did, don't worry. And...I trust you, I'm not going to be afraid of you or shout what you've said to anyone. Or anyone."

He shares a little secret smile. "I've had some practice at keeping secrets, but I think I've blown my cover tonight. You'll keep mine safe too, right?"

Billy could tell others if he wanted - he didn't mean to request a secret. But as he considers saying so, he chooses not to. Really, Kaworu appreciates that he even offers. And it's more this meeting itself that he would want to stay between them, not the bare information that was disclosed.

"I will," he affirms with a smile. "But, when you're ready, please try to keep opening up to others. A Lilim's salvation from his misery lies in trusting and caring for each other. If you're feeling unhappy, talk to somebody - and not just me."

Oh, Kaworu. Billy nods his agreement, standing and stretching. As he does so, he chews on his lower lip and seems to consider something.

"I will, you don't have to worry," he says slowly. "And..."

Should he do what he's considering? It's a little strange, but with all that's been shared between them he feels a closer bond. And despite Kaworu's aloof demeanor, Billy thinks there's something more there. Perhaps he should go for communicating his trust and caring non-verbally?

And if this is awkward, Kaworu's at least open to learning about odd human behaviors. Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

He waits for Kaworu to stand as well, a mischievous smile on his face. What is Billy planning?

When Billy stands, Kaworu's eyes don't follow, and so he misses that smile. He assumes it's one of those mutually understood signals that their talk was over. He closes his eyes again for a brief moment, observing and pushing down the feeling inside his core, and also stands.

"And what?" he says, still looking away as he picks his shoes up.

Perfect.

Billy looks up to meet Kaworu's gaze, still smiling. He thought he saw a certain distance from Kaworu a few moments ago. Yes, Billy still thinks some closeness might be good for him. It's worth the risk, he thinks. And he knows now how dangerous it is to avoid expressing affection, he could easily lose his chance.

Mind made up, Billy walks forward, slips his arms under Kaworu's, and folds him into a warm embrace. Well, warm on Billy's end, anyway. Kaworu's cold, but Billy supposes that makes sense, right? He keeps his hold on Kaworu's back loose for now---he needs to wait and see the reaction. It wouldn't do to scare him.

"Hey, it's all right."

It doesn't scare him, but it does make him halt his movements and stare out at the wall over Billy's shoulder. Kaworu can feel his body's thermoregulation through both of their clothing. The last time he recalls being this close to a Lilim is when he was a child, when being handled by a researcher or cared for by the people charged with watching him.

Is he really... hugging him? After all that?

He'd just told him he was meant to destroy all of his kind. He might as well be one of the creatures he had been fighting for a year while he was gone.

"...Billy..." he began, not actually knowing what to say. Then, his free hand settles between Billy's shoulder blades and he loosely returns the gesture, his other arm hanging at his side as his hand grips his shoes.

Why is he doing this? Because Kaworu gave him sufficient reasons to show he'd "changed"? Because he'd gave him that little bit of encouraging advice before they stood?

When he speaks again, his voice is quiet, with some of his confusion breaking through. "Do you find me pitiful?"

Billy smiles slightly from where he stands, holding his position for a few more moments. He shakes his head no, clinging for a moment.

"No, you're not pitiful. That's not what I mean at all. You're a friend, and this is what some people do with their friends when they want to express emotion: in my case, trust and gratitude."

He steps back, still smiling, though his expression is sheepish now. Maybe it would help to explain in more technical terms. Billy did this research back when he made his first friends, when he needed a way to explain the strange feelings induced by their affection.

"In Lilim, embracing each other relieves stress. Touch triggers the release of a hormone called oxytocin, bringing about positive emotions that help to forge the bond between family and friends. I don't know if you have a hormone like that or even an analogous system, but for me that's why it's done---not as a tool of manipulation. It sounded like that, didn't it? It's more of an instinctual craving. But...was that all right?"

He fidgets, shifting from foot to foot.

Kawory slowly smiles as he talks, and at the end of it, he shakes his head. Not in response to his question, but in response to his attempt to explain his hug. Kaworu already understands the importance of gestures like that - it was the reason why that puzzled him.

"It's fine," he answers. The hesitation from before is boiling away. Within the angel core in his chest, the mix of emotions had calmed and settled back into its usual stasis. Maybe he had been comforted.

"You're my friend, too. It's alright. Thank you for caring about me." He shifts his weight too, but it's the casual movement of a standing body at rest. "If I can do anything to help you re-adjust to this place again, please just ask me. That is my expression of trust and gratitude."

Billy ruffles the hair at the back of his own neck, embarrassed. But at least he's gotten that point across.

"I will. You've been a great help already. I think I'll know what to do."

He nods to himself, looking like at least some of the burden he carries has started to lift. There's much more work to do, but at least he's starting to come back to himself.

"Oh, be careful if you're going to leave. I think I hear the sheep right outside the door and I don't want to lose another one."

[closed]

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