exsiliumlogs | out and about [open]

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out and about [open]

Who: Asuka Langley Soryu, Open
What: Exploring the city and its many ruins.
When: Friday afternoon
Warnings? None, for now. Maybe Asuka being Asuka.

One could only stay cooped up inside for so long. Asuka's routine had been the same for months: get up, go train, come back to her apartment, maybe go shopping, kick the soccer ball around occasionally, drop in on Utena or Kanaya or someone. Or get sent on missions. She'd rarely ventured beyond the market. The crash and subsequent reshuffling of roommates had shaken something loose (or maybe it was because Kaji had returned, maybe it was because of Kaworu or Shinji or a thousand other things that had changed) and Asuka had decided that she wasn't going to keep herself penned in anymore. She was going to see the rest of the city. She'd wandered through the market first, buying a few knick-knacks and snacks (haggling all the while and yelling someone down if she didn't like the price) and then, slowly, she'd started to wander outward. She'd passed through slums, passed crowds of the downtrodden. She hadn't said anything to them - no, she was out here for herself. Not for them. The buildings seemed to become more run down the further from the Hold she went and that hadn't surprised her.

She'd finally chosen one and random and started scrambling up the slope of rubble that made up one wall, intnet on getting to the top to see the lay of the land. It was raining, as always, but at least it was a drizzle instead of a torrential downpour. It was still slippery and once or twice, she caught herself before she took a disastrous tumble. Finally, she settled on the (what had been) the roof, panting, a bit exhausted and a bit banged up, but she felt the better for it. Better then sitting around in her room all day, like she tended to do, after all. She didn't exactly feel happy, but at the same time she wasn't sad or angry. And the view was great! At least when the mist didn't obscure everything.

And that was an improvement. She took a deep breath and then grinned. At the very least, she could smile on the outside.

[OOC: Feel free to encounter Asuka in the market before she heads out or anywhere else in between.]

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"Don't-" Asuka started with a roll of her eyes. Then she paused and eyed Kaworu. She finally glanced away with a shrug and a long-suffering sigh.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Her attitude made him laugh. Kaworu could see so easily through a lot of her bluffing and acting. She couldn't just say yes and thank you, of course - but that's what charms him so much.

And yet, the problem with it... That balancing act that Kaworu had been doing for several weeks now, with Shinji on one arm and Asuka on the other. Before they do anything, it needed to be discussed, didn't it? He didn't want there to be another situation... he wanted his friends to be at peace and enjoy their lives here.

"Asuka," he began, twisting his body to face her more. He rested his hands on the edges of the bench casually. "It's impossible for any person to always do right by you, without any mistakes. But I would not make any effort to hurt you intentionally. You know that, right?"

Asuka simply put her elbow on the piano so she could cup her chin with one hand and turned to eye Kaworu. He was being weird again - leading up to something. Probably one of his stupid zen moments. She arched a brow - where was he going with this? Maybe she wouldn't like it.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Why?"

He stared at her calmly, still unsure of how to best bring this up. Eventually, he looked down at the keys. His downcast eyes gave his smile a sense of sadness.

"I love Shinji very much. You know that, right?"

His fingers ran along the edge of the piano bench thoughtfully. Shinji was here a few months ago. They sat here together and played music, and the boy had smiled for him for the first time since NERV. And then, he'd left...

"...he's been very angry with me."

Asuka stiffened and sat up and her gaze snapped forward to stare at the piano keys in front of her. Why did he have to bring that up, at a time like this? She'd actually been enjoying herself (for once). Even if she felt guilty for having fun (she didn't deserve to, after all), it had still been nice.

"Because of me, right?"

Her lips twitched into a frown. She'd already talked to Shinji, but hearing that he'd been angry - that wasn't fair. How dare he think she wasn't just as worth of attention?

She knew she wasn't. She knew that no one really had a reason to pay attention to her unless she made them. And because she knew Shinji was right, it hurt all the more.

Edited 2013-05-12 16:36 (UTC)

"Yes." His slim fingers left the piano bench and reached for hers instead. "We were talking, and you were speaking so softly to me. I touched your cheek. Do you remember?"

Kaworu was trying to say that Shinji was jealous, without betraying their intimacy. Private or not, Asuka needed to know.

"And still, I have to wonder... If his anger, from what he walked in on that day..."

Whether it was really the product of misunderstanding. Kaworu remembered what he told Shinji... I love Asuka. And, he did...

Kaworu's smile wavered. The spoken sentence went unfinished.

"Of course I remember!" Her response was a snap, something frustrated and a bit short. She remembered how she wanted to soak in all of the empathy, the sympathy and how she hated it all at the same time. How she despised herself for being weak, but wanted nothing more then to have that affection.

"He wants you to himself. I know. He wants your attention. I'm not stupid, Nagisa-!"

She almost jerked her hand back when she felt his fingers touch his (but he wanted to touch her - that meant she was worth something, that meant she wasn't nothing). Instead, she simply let his hand cover her own (she wasn't going to give in and let him know that she wanted his affection, even if she was already as transparent as glass to him).

Her voice became small.

"That's not fair."

Kaworu's hand curled under and around hers and squeezes. His pale, translucent palm was soft and warm.

There was only one reason she'd think it was unfair: if she wanted Kaworu's attention for herself.

He leaned in closer to her. Carefully, slowly, not wanting to startle her, he brought his free hand up to touch her cheek again, like before they were interrupted earlier.

"I don't want to hurt you," he mumbled to himself.

Both her and Shinji needed love... but if he loved them both, as he wanted to, as he knew he could... it would hurt them and drive them apart even more. How miserable it is to be a Lilim.

Asuka was terrified. She was terrified and she wanted more at the same time - this was what she'd always pushed away from herself, it was what she'd tried to avoid. The physical contact, the raw emotion of it - it cut through her, tore her apart and exposed her and she was frightened. She couldn't be this close to someone - she didn't want to be (but she did) and she almost jerked away. Instead, she stared at him, with wide, wide eyes and a mouth that opened and closed as she tried to find the right words.

She trembled, throat working as she swallowed and leaned back (just slightly) as his fingers brushed her cheek, "...you're going to leave me again. Everyone always does. My mother didn't stay, Kaji won't stay - Shinji just runs away-!"

Don't, don't, don't-

It'd be easier to push him away now and go back to living on her own. It'd be easier to pretend she doesn't want anything to do with him or the pure, selfless love that he offers. But if he loves her - if someone, anyone loves her - she's worth something.

Isn't she?

His hand stroked her cheek and pushed her hair around her ear.

"Can I stay?"

It was a simple question, very simple.

"I won't leave you," he said, in an effort to explain, "if you'll let me stay. If you'll accept that I love Shinji and let me stay, I will."

Perhaps it was asking too much, but he has to ask it, nonetheless. Kaworu could not force away his feelings for the other pilot - certainly not any more than he could force away his feelings for Asuka. It was a difficult for Shinji, too, and maybe one that would only widen the gulf between them now.

The touch was too intimate. It was too close. Too familiar. She'd done this to other people (to Shinji) to assert herself, to experiment, to giver herself something to do, but he, he managed to make it seem real and raw and inviting and she was terrified of it.

But he gave her worth. Kaji didn't care. Shinji didn't care.

Kaworu thought she was worth something. That made it true. Didn't it?

She shouldn't rely on him. She shouldn't rely on others. Despite the self-hatred and recrimination, it seemed easier to just let someone else love her. It was easier than trying to do it herself. She shrank back, gaze dropping. She felt small, vulnerable - but she wanted him to say the words, she wanted him to love her, even while she hated herself for it.

"Don't say that," she muttered, "Don't say that!"

Her voice rose.

"You're lying!"

She had to deny it. She had to push him away. How could he care for her?

He would not accept her recoiling like this. She may have shrank away, but Kaworu didn't pull back; his hand left her cheek only to rest on her shoulder with a slight tightness to his grip. His other hand would not let go of hers.

"Your words and actions are inconsistent," he said quietly. "You worry that I'll leave, and when I say I won't, you tell me to take it back."

Just like him. Just like Shinji.

His hand on her shoulder squeezed tighter. He wanted to put her at ease. He wanted to tell her he loved her, and he wanted to tell her how Shinji accepted that fact on his own. But he can't - not now, not with her in this state.

"How about this," he suddenly added. "I promise I'll teach you piano. I promise I will be here when you want to come. And I will not abandon you at this bench. That much, I can do for you. Even if you don't want to let me stay in your heart, I can stay here and wait."

"Why?" Her voice cracked again, "Why are you doing this for me?"

She wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth anything, but he seemed to care for her. In his eyes, she was worth something and as much as she wanted to cling to the validation, everything in her told her to deny it and push it away.

As much as he loves Asuka, he has no faith in her being able to deal with his love in a functional way. Even when he told Shinji, and he numbly expressed apathy about it, Kaworu could tell he was jealous and only approving because he was a coward.

But Asuka is different - Asuka doesn't share.

Kaworu sighed and closed his eyes. Why was this so much more difficult, now? The words I love you once rolled off his tongue so easily, as if it were nothing. Was it because he truly understood what they meant, now? Was it because he was now so much more sensitive to the needs of those fragile individuals whom he loved?

His hands moved again, leaving Asuka's shoulder and hand only to slide under her arms and pull her into an embrace. Kaworu wasn't sure how else to express what he was feeling. All of it had become so knotted.

"Does there need to be a reason?" he asked as he pressed his cheek against the side of her head. "I want to. What reason must there be?"

There was another moment of blind panic as Kaworu tugged her into an embrace and she reached up to shove at his shoulders (she shouldn't let him, he might think she's weak; she doesn't need him; she wants it).

"There's always a reason!"

I'm not worth it.

But she'd already let him see her vulnerable and crying. She'd already let him see into her (as if he couldn't look right through her anyway). So she finally relented and went still against him, face buried against his shoulder as she tried not to panic and scream and lash out again.

Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

"...I'm tired of being alone."

Edited 2013-05-19 03:29 (UTC)

"Then let me stay."

His embrace stayed loose, giving her space, not wanting her to feel like she's being clung to or claimed. But one of his hands pet her back between her shoulder blades.

"You aren't alone, Asuka."

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