exsiliumlogs | on the right side of the white noise [closed]

Entry tags:

on the right side of the white noise [closed]

Date & Time: backdated to the night/morning of 05/13-14 idek it's in the past
Location: unit 610
Characters: tony [

fe_male] & pepper [

mostqualified]
Summary: after this ; pepper comes home a mess
Warnings: mentions of blood and other things yep

[ She's positively numb with disbelief. Or fear. In fact, her mind has yet to catch up to what it is she's actually feeling, so there's not much going on beyond automatic movement and trying to make sense of what's happened. The conversation is a blur. Past Jules saying that she isn't human and needs-- Monster. Her friend, this woman she's learned to trust is a monster. No, that's not quite right. Is it? Pepper's mind blanks halfway through the thought, and when she stumbles, she's not outside like she'd been a few moments before.

The familiar hallways of the apartment complex greet her, vivid contrast to the dark. A step, a blink, and the shock still hasn't worn off, entering 610 without realizing the mess she's leaving behind as she does. A streak of red from her hands stains the door, and Pepper's grateful that no one's in the living area, that the lights are sort of dim. She wouldn't know what to tell Max if she'd seen her because she doesn't even know what to tell Tony. If she should say something. She should, she knows, but the words are stuck despite them having finally left her shortly before. Her fingers touch her throat in memory, eyes wide as she moves through the apartment without noticing much at all.

She can't decide if she should shower first or lie down. Shower, bed, take off her clothes. Not necessarily in that order.

They're covered with splatters of blood anyway, her dress and jacket, and she slips out of her shoes as she continues on a path toward the bathroom. Perhaps the bedroom. Pepper shakes, can't control the shiver working through her limbs as she eventually makes it to one of the doors - she's not sure which - and simply stands there facing it with her back turned the other way. She can't catch her breath, and when she tries, she almost cries instead. ]

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[ It's a weird hour of the night/morning, which effectively guarantees that Tony is still awake. He had been working in his workshop most of the day doing this and that - mostly just passing time, since he seemed to have hit a mental block on several of his projects at once, which meant the problem was him, which was frustrating on a whole new level and just made him want to solve the issues faster, which didn't work because of the wall - it was a mess.

So he dropped everything - some of it literally, but just what was in his hands - shoved his hands into his pockets and decided to walk back to the apartment. Not so much for the people, although if Pepper were there, that would help. Pepper made everything better. Max had already informed him she might not be around for a few days off and on, so he honestly wasn't sure where she'd be.

But when he reaches the apartment, he finds what is definitely blood on the door. He rushes in, worried now, and quickly finds Pepper even in the dim light, and she looks like she's shaking, lightly. She looks like she has blood on her in strange places, and for a moment it's like the arc reactor isn't a pacemaker at all but a vise around his heart. He can't tell if she's hurt or crying or anything, and he's not sure how to approach her because his legs have suddenly forgotten that they're not actually rooted to the floor.

So he calls to her, unsure and uncertain and a little tight. ] Pepper?

[ She's not crying, not yet, but it's a close thing. Her eyes hurt from not blinking though, in a daze from wandering out of the alley and through the city to find herself in their apartment. No one had been home, she thinks, but someone's saying her name now. It's real, that voice, and she turns away from the door, the hand hovering out as if to push it open curling into a loose fist to keep the tremor at bay.

Pepper's lips move like she's trying to say something, forms his name when she recognizes him because he had said hers already. But it sounds wrong, too unsettled and too controlled at the same time. Nothing leaves her, shaking her head once and again until she's right back in that alley and watching Jules biting into some guy-- Her breath catches, and she takes an unsteady step backwards, shoulders brushing the door as she looks at Tony with wide eyes.

She can't get rid of it, the thought. She can't say it either. Pepper's afraid, and it's evident in her body language, the tension of a mouth ringed with an dried bloody handprint when Jules had tried to keep her quiet. There's a shake of her head, and she feels it winding in her chest, the need to breathe or scream or anything at all that will ease the memory of seeing something so awful. ]

[ She turns around and that's more blood, what the hell, and her hands and her posture and he can't even deal with the look on her face right now, okay, he can't. He starts to take a step towards her when she steps backwards, but halts himself halfway through, because he doesn't know what happened here and he doesn't want to inadvertently scare her even further. So he puts his hands up in front of him, a placating gesture, defensive but universal for 'I'm not going to hurt you' just to make sure.

Jesus she's got blood on her face, someone tried to make her stay quiet, and he feels a flash of momentary anger course through him at the mental image. He doesn't need to think about that right now though, he needs to stay right here in the moment with Pepper, be the clear head that she isn't right now. So he slowly moves towards her, talking the whole while. She looks like she needs an anchor, or something, and right now he's the only one he can think of. Who knows, she could just be really surprised and he's over-reacting. He's not used to seeing her like this. ]

Hey baby, it's okay, right? Just me now. It'll be fine. Can you just tell me if that's your blood? I don't know if you need to see a doctor or not and I don't wanna take you to one right now if you don't.

[ She can't actually taste it anymore because she'd had some, had it in her mouth, and swallowing is a necessary thing when you're screaming. Or trying to anyway. So, she isn't paying attention to the fact it's really there, only feels it in the way she remembers it getting there in the first place; there's even one to match on her wrist where Jules had grabbed her to keep her from running. Her eyes move to his hands and that gesture, registering what he says and probably confusing him with the short nod that's ultimately her shaking her head to answer his question.

There's some surprise, but most of it's shock. A good majority of it is actually, and she's stuck in retreat, though there's no other place to go considering the door at her back is keeping her from going further away. Far enough she can get herself clean, presentable and composed and not thinking about the dead body soaking in its own blood on the ground at her feet. But it's too late for that, entirely too late, and the tears are there as she finally, slowly takes a step forward, just the slightest shake in her hand when she touches his arm.

It's okay to lean on someone else for a little while, right? Tony won't mind, she thinks. She clutches at him and presses her face against his shoulder, gripping him so that if her legs give out she won't collapse on the floor. Pepper will try to remember to apologize when she can catch her breath. ]

[ Very true, that's pretty much totally confusing, actually, because she doesn't look hurt or in pain, so he was pretty sure it wasn't hers. And she's nodding and shaking her head and that's totally conflicting but he doesn't mind, it's okay. She can be contradictory as long as she's not backing away from him, as long as she moves towards him he can still take care of things.

Tony totally doesn't mind her leaning on him. Tony doesn't mind holding her up entirely, he can do that. He holds her close to him, one arm around her waist and one around her back, holding her head. ]

It's okay, look, I'm here. It's okay, you're safe. [ He'd like to get the blood off of her, that's still like, a thing, but it can wait until it feels more like she can stand on her own, maybe. ]

[ But it's not okay. She's safe, sure, but nothing about this is okay at all. She wants to tell him to the point it pains her, though the only thing she can do right now is cling to him and try not to cry. Which, as it goes, isn't happening. The blink from closing her eyes makes them sting, tearing welling up because they're dry and she's upset and there's just something about seeing one of the only friends she has tearing into someone that forces it out. And Jules' eyes, her eyes hadn't been--

Her next intake of breath is choked, no sound until it catches on the one after, and then there's a real sob, muffled against him but rather audible. Pepper forgets that too, to say that her weapon had done something in that alley and had finally given her a voice. Granted, it had mostly been screaming, but it's still something. To protect her, to warn others--she isn't sure. She doesn't have to text out the words or what's she feeling - that's pretty evident now as it is - and he can ask all he wants. She'll explain once she gets the control back, can think beyond the gore and Jules and why she hadn't noticed anything in the first place. ]

Tony. [ And there's that too, just the simple syllables of his name strained and confused and lost as to what else she should say. Pepper doesn't get beyond that, repeating his name over and over and pressing her forehead against him as if she'd hope to disappear in his embrace. Tony, Tony, Tony. ]

[ God, it's... It's hard to listen to the sounds that she's making, feel the way that she's breathing as she's held close to him, and now she's crying and he barely knows how to handle Pepper crying, only has experience when he was the cause of it and now that's not even the issue and he has no idea what to do with her except stand up straight and hold her to him and continue muttering things to her that don't mean anything. A steady stream of his voice in 'okay's and 'I'm here's and the like that he won't be able to recall accurately if asked, and she likely isn't registering concretely enough for their lack of sense or logic to matter.

He'll just hold her up, that's fine, keep her close, until she's okay again, until he can go back out and fix whatever the fuck caused this.. this breakdown. He's not sure he can even handle seeing Pepper break down. It's weird, and new - well, not that new, but still weird anyway - and he doesn't know what to do about it. Last time he kissed her. He doesn't feel like that would go over that well this time. He's stuck, waiting on some sort of change to happen in the current situation that will give him more or different variables to work with, anything that he can use to predict his next action.

That works.

He stiffens a little - he can't help it - when she says his name. Actually, it's a few seconds afterwards, when she's moved to press her forehead against him and started to repeat it, and he calms them again fairly quickly, but. It's just. She can talk, and god he's been waiting to hear her voice since she got here, and there it is, and it sounds so broken and lost and he can definitely still not handle it. His own voice is tight for a myriad of reasons when he repeats something he's been saying. ] I'm right here. [ Because he is, and he will be, as long as she needs him to be. But he's not totally over his shock, okay. ] You can talk.

[ The words - even if she's not entirely sure of everything he's saying - do help. They help ground her, bring her back to the present and their apartment, surroundings that aren't as vast and empty as the alley. Jules and the man she'd killed because she'd said she had to. They force her to breathe, to slow the repetition of his name until there's nothing but the silence now. It's a silence she'd grown used to since arriving in Exsilium, and despite the odd comfort she'd gotten from it, there's none of that now. Just a cold feeling working its way up from her heart and into her throat.

Somehow, she expects her weapon to...turn itself off or hibernate again so there won't be any explanation as to why she can talk now versus before or why there's blood and she's crying and-- Pepper really can't help that, leaning away a little to wipe at her face, but her hands come away moist with blood dampened by her tears. She doesn't know what to do with that except stare, fumble for something that resembles words. ]

It happened in, back there. Outside. I saw them. She was... And he-- [ The pressure in her throat isn't as painful now, but the lack of sense she's making really does nothing for either of them. She's only staring at her hands, how there's a bit of it on his shirt too, and Pepper can't breathe again. This isn't fair. ]

I'm sorry. [ She chokes on the apology, close to crying again because it's the only thing that seems to do anything besides his being there. Solid, still there. Her fingers curl into fists to hide it, rest against his chest that way. ] I'm sorry.

Honey, you don't have anything to apologize for, okay? [ He sort of, pulls one of his sleeves down a little, to wipe at the blood on her that he can get off without too much fuss. He'd really like the blood to be off of her skin, for some reason that's just, that's really bothering him. So he tries to get what's on her face when she's not talking, holds her fists when she rests them against him, listening while she sort of talks and trying to piece things together without asking questions to make her relive it so soon after the fact.

He knows she pulled away to regain some composure but seeing as how that didn't seem to go that well. ] Can I hug you again? I'm gonna hug you again, because I'd really like to, okay? Just for me. Letting go of her fists just long enough to wrap his arms around her again, keeping her hands on his chest, just, to hold her. Potentially envelop her, to make sure she's whole still, not at all to potentially give her more of a sense of security. This is, of course, if she doesn't object. ]

[ She doesn't protest when he touches her face, and she certainly doesn't argue when he embraces her either. Why would she? Instead, she's nodding and pressing against him like this could be the most normal thing in the world, and it's as if that very motion helps to finally ease the tension in her shoulders, in the stiffness of her hands that eventually uncurl to rest flat on his chest. The shaking has subsided for the most part, though her nerves are completely shot. Still, he's there right now, and he's worried. Isn't he? She must be worrying him. ]

They were-- [ Pepper tries for a breath so what she says next isn't as confusing. But she can't tell him, absolutely can't. Not like this. She exhales against his shoulder, softly and just once. ] It was so awful.

[ He relaxes a little when he feels her relax against him, when he feels the tension ebb from her body and she calms down again. She's not totally calm, and he doesn't doubt that she's far from being okay, but it's nice to know that he can have helped her at least this much.

It doesn't help that he has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. Yeah, he's worried, but mostly about her, and secondarily about whatever it was that she witnessed that left her in this state and allowed her to be covered in blood. He's not sure if there's something or someone outside near the Hold who needs to be caught, if he should stay here with her and help her calm down or if there's potentially someone else out there dying because he decided to be with his girlfriend. Obviously, he's going to stay with his girlfriend - he's a fairly selfish superhero, all things considered - but he'll still feel a little bad about it. ]

I know. [ Wait, what, no he doesn't know. He has no idea what she's talking about. ] What were they doing? Did they hurt you?

[ She immediately shakes her head at the question. Mostly to answer that no, they hadn't hurt her, but it's also to partially ignore that he's actually asking what had happened, what she'd seen. She still needs a minute or several, and during that time, she breathes slow and deep and calm in an effort to get it together. It works to an extent, because her fingers move from his chest to his arms, absently fussing at the material of his shirt as they stand there in the middle of the hall in a dim apartment. Her gaze drops to the soft glow of the arc reactor, and suddenly, she very much wants to have the lights on. ]

It, I was coming back here. To the apartment. I thought I saw Jules, but-- Jules is, she's... [ No, far too soon for that. ] I think I really need to sit down.

[ Pepper takes a step back, knees buckling just a little under the pressure. Her body doesn't seem to want to cooperate like the rest of her, so she grips at him for balance, and none of this is right. It's completely backwards, looking at him with a silent plea for some sort of understanding. ]

[ Actually he typically also enjoys having another light on. Survival instinct based on knowing that you glow in the dark in a very vulnerable part of your anatomy. He likes to have lights on. Typically also to wear thicker shirts, but in Exsilium sometimes he's had to make do with thinner ones. Besides that, it rains all the time, which doesn't help. But he lets her pull away, lets her fuss, because he suspects it's comforting to them both.

He listens as she... sort of talks about what happened. He's confused about what Jules had to do with things, because as far as he knew, she was Pepper's friend. The time he'd met her he'd felt like it went pretty well, and he's not sure at all about what Pepper would be insinuating. That Jules is dead seems the most likely option. Either that or she's some kind of horrible secret alien thing. He wouldn't put it past someone so cheerful to be the latter. Or the former, really. Who knows.

When she stumbles, he reaches out to catch her the same time she reaches out to him for balance, and he's got one hand solidly under each of her arms now to make sure she won't actually fall down. ] Yeah, we can sit. C'mon, I'm bushed, let's sit down. [ Leading them both to the nearest thing that's cushioned. ]

[ All she seems capable of now is nodding. Even with her voice intact, a bit soft and a little strained on certain syllables from over a solid month of lack of use, she leans on that as her way to agree with him, following and sitting and continuing to look at him like the answer might just suddenly appear for him to see. Pepper knows she's going to have to say it eventually, and she's biting at her lip, hands in her lap. Maybe it would have been better to type it out, but she doesn't know where her tablet is right now, doesn't trust herself to get up and look for it. For all she knows, she might have left it back in the alley.

Her eyes close, and the words are surprisingly neat and clear. ] She ate someone.

[ That's it. That's all there is. The specifics are more detailed than that, sure, but it's all he has to hear, has to know. Maybe he can guess the rest, or he could make them for her to agree or disagree with. Pepper will explain it more thoroughly as soon as she can get her heart to steady rather than threaten to pound out of her chest. ] It was everywhere, Tony. She killed him, and...

[ Well, he already knows about the after. She shakes her head. ]

... She what?

[ That was. So remarkably not what he was expecting to hear. Like, at all. Ever. ] She ate someone? Why did she eat someone? Like... Lecter or Edward type ate someone? [ Sorry Pepper he doesn't have much introspection for that he just doesn't... So, definitely the crazy alien monster idea thing then, apparently. He's not sure how he feels about that.

Although rapidly he switches topics. ] You're okay, right, she didn't come after you at all? Does she know you saw her?

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on the right side of the white noise [closed]

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