exsiliumlogs | see somehow i can't forget you//

[Unsurprisingly enough, even getting back to the apartment and having a real bed again, Shepard's barely slept. She's spent the rest of the night and the morning reading, mostly. And drinking from the bottle of alcohol stashed by her bed.

At the knock, she looks up at her door in confusion before getting up to open it. Like before, she's dressed only in boxers and a sports bra.] Not in particular. What's wrong?

[There's a pause, and then a sigh as he directs his gaze to her face. Come on, Shepard.] Nothing's wrong. I just thought that, if you're free - now would be a good time for that conversation.

[Stop interrupting her in the morning. And she'll be more clothed. But there's a lazy smirk at the sigh as she steps back and reaches for the first shirt she can find.] Pretty sure I got nothing else on my schedule, soldier.

[HE KNOCKED that means you put the clothes on then answer!!] Okay. That's - okay, good. [Herp, walking over to the couch or something so they can be in neutral ground]

[This is her home, too!!!

She can't help but smile when he gets like that, talking to her, but the smile flickers out as she follows him to the couch. To be honest, she'd rather it be in one of their rooms. Not because she expects that somehow their conversation will lead to dramatic sex in any way, but because she doesn't want other people to walk in on them.

But if he's more comfortable here, then so will she. She's quiet as she sits, watching him carefully.

This is your show, Major.]

[There's a pause when she sits down before he decides to just. Jump right in] I'm sorry. About Horizon, and about the way things went down there. I don't think I wasn't justified in where I was coming from, but the way I handled it, what I said - the way we left things - it should have gone better. I wish - I wish it had gone better.

I... [She laughs, but it's a nervous sound. Not something typically heard from Shepard.] I was mad. I guess I expected you to be happy to see me. [A pause.] I guess I expected it to be like it was. You all moved on, and I was still stuck in the past. I didn't know how to catch up or understand what was happening with you all. [She looks away then.]

I was selfish. We were both in the wrong.

[His tone becomes a little hoarse] I was. I was happy to see you. Even afterwards, when I was kicking myself for what happened. Seeing you alive again...

[He coughs a little, ducks his head. Clears his throat.] It was too hard to really believe. To take it all in, in that short period of time. And the last I knew, we hated Cerberus. Seeing you working with them - it didn't make any sense to me. When I did finally see you again, I - I'm not even sure I believed it was the real you. Especially not with the sort of research Cerberus did. Does.

[There's another laugh from him, although it's basically lacking in good humour] None of us moved on, Shepard. Well, maybe Wrex. But everyone else - we moved apart. Or fell apart, I guess you could say. I threw myself into the job, and let things slip away because holding on-- [Hurt too much. Had too many memories. But this isn't the Shepard he's thought about talking to for almost three years now, this is the real deal, and the last thing they both need in this situation is his feelings vomiting out.]

I guess I'm not good when it comes to losing friends. [He sighs] I tried to write, after Horizon. Must have stared at the screen for a couple of hours, trying to get the right words out. I should have just sent something anyway, but I...didn't.

[He was happy to see her. She doesn't know why that makes her stomach flutter. Except part of her does.]

I know. Working with them... I never would have done it if... [Was it right to have done it anyway? They brought her back to life. Would it have been better if she was still dead? Would the galaxy have been alright?] Not all of them are bad people, Kaidan. Some of them are just that: just people. Trying to do the right thing. [It doesn't excuse Cerberus or the Illusive Man, but it's not like the Council or the Alliance or even the Spectres are above horrible things. Like the genophage. That wasn't something Cerberus did. It's funny, though, because she's worked with the salarian who did it.]

Wrex had people who needed him. [Said with a fond tone, though. She's proud of Wrex. She's proud of them all.] What I mean is, time had passed for you all. It was different. But not for me. I woke up in a strange place surrounded by strange people, and then I was told I couldn't have any of you back. [Shepard got have Garrus and Tali again, but it wasn't the same.] I'm glad that... That you didn't hold on too tightly. I saw what my death did to Liara and Garrus.

[She drags her eyes back over to him.] I'm glad you didn't. There was no guarantee I would have come back alive, and maybe us not being in contact was good.

That's...a hard concept for me to deal with, I'm not going to lie. I mean, objectively I know that everyone has their reasons and that no one's totally evil, but - the things we saw them do, Shepard. [He shakes his head] Sorry, I'm not trying to get at you. And I know you know all that. It's just hard to get my head around.

[He's quiet, taking in her words.] I can't imagine what that was like for you. I really can't. I guess we just both got so caught up in our own experiences, we couldn't put ourselves in each other's shoes. [He swallows. No, he had held on too tight. He'd just picked his poison better than Liara or Garrus. Or maybe he hadn't] I had the Alliance to fall back on. Anderson in particular, he was a big help. Plus, I mean - I'm a marine. You're supposed to be used to that, you know? You don't get a lot of comrades dying when you're C-Sec. And Liara - she lost her mom. I think she made the Normandy her world after that, and then we lost that too. I don't - I really don't think I can take the credit for not holding on too tightly. I just had a better support system to convince me to try and let go. [Emphasis on the try. He never really did.

He closes his eyes, rubbing his forehead. he sounds tired] Shepard. If you had died out there, again, and the last thing I ever said to you was some bullshit about being an Alliance man...I would have hated myself.

I know. But not all of them are the people who have done horrible experiments. [Her voice is soft. To be honest, she's thinking more about Jacob than anything else. Maybe Miranda, too. But there's no way that Shepard can believe all of the people in Cerberus were in on every project.] And I never condoned anything. He provided the credits and the missions, but the Normandy is mine, the crew is mine. I am me. [She has to be.]

To be honest, I'm not really sure how to wrap my head around it still. But I know what it's like to lose someone you care about. [I know what it's like to lose it all.] You've always... Been sort of a strange addition to the crew. You... And Ash were. Here we were, this ragtag group of misfits, no homes or families or something to anchor you, but you two... [Her jaw tightens a bit.] Th Alliance was there for you, but you're put together in a way that I'm not. In a way most of us aren't, honestly.

[She hesitates for a second before reaching out and taking his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. It's more of a friendly, comforting gesture more than anything, but she enjoys it anyway.] I didn't die, and it's not the last thing you said to me. It's also not bullshit. You're an Alliance man, Kaidan, and it was wrong of me to want you to be one of my men when there were too many uncertainties.

[I am me. He doesn't say anything for a long moment, searching her face. He's not sure if he's looking for something, or if he's just trying to take in the sight of her.] I believe it. I believe you.

[That's what's been sitting between them this past month and more, since she came back. That uncertainty of his, the arguments that his logical brain keeps throwing up. If Ash was here, she'd tell him to go with his gut feeling, and ultimately, that's all he can do.

He ducks his head when she talks about him and the crew, compares them. There's a pause, before he lifts it again and offers a half smile] A crew full of aliens on an alien ship, and I'm the strange addition.

[He might have said more on that vein, but then she takes his hand and he squeezes back reflexively, offering comfort in turn.] It wasn't wrong of you, Shepard. But ultimately, I think I ended being...where I was needed most. [He manages to keep that smile there] Let's face it. You might have wanted me on that crew, but I wasn't a necessary component. Obviously. You did a damn fine job on that Collector base without me, Commander.

[A smile tugs at her lips at his words. He believes her. Which is good, because despite what she just said, there are so many doubts. So many things up in the air. She breathes out a sigh of relief. Her smile pulls into a smirk for half a second when he ducks his head and then looks back up at her.

Shepard knows she has feelings for Kaidan still, and it's all too cemented because of that stupid ass look. She's completely hopeless, really.] You're too normal.

[So she has no desire to stop holding your hand, Kaidan. Enjoy that.] I didn't need you to be necessary. I just needed you. [Whoa. Well that's blunt. So she'll reel it back in and wears a self-satisfied look on her face.] Highlight of my life, really, blowing that thing up.

Normal? [That gets a laugh out of him] That's the first time in a while anyone's accused me of that. I think the last time I heard it, my doctor was talking about my brain scans. And even then, she followed it up with 'for an L2'.

[He's definitely okay with that. It's a friend thing, right? It can't be anything else, because Commander Shepard doesn't do romance. Although her next words sort of rock the boat on that a little. He swallows, and can't help that hoarse(r) note from creeping into his voice again] I'm here now. As long as we're stuck in this place, and through the Mars mission. [No promises beyond that, because he can't say for sure. Ever practical :'D] If I didn't have my company to think of, I'd say sign me up long term.

I don't know, Kaidan. Compared to the people on the first Normandy and the last crew I worked with? Too normal. [She grins.] It's like a breath of fresh air.

[It's totally a friend thing. Friends hold hands for comfort during an incredibly tense conversation about how they both suck and they're both sorry for sucking that bad.

She snorts.] I guess I can't ask for much more than that. And who knows how long we'll be stuck here.

Well. In that case, I guess I'm happy to help. [He grins at her (or at least his version of a grin). he air is lighter between them than it's been in more than a month, and he's beyond grateful for that. If he has any lingering doubts, he's making a concentrated effort to put them aside. Sometimes you just have to have faith.]

Yeah. [He sighs] You know, angry as I am that they dragged us here...I can't say I can blame them. If I thought something like this could save Earth from the Reapers, I'm not so sure I wouldn't give it a shot myself.

[More than anything, it's that grin of his that's comforting. Like things are-- not right, but better. Things can't be right, but this is good.

She finally lets his hand go, dropping hers back into her lap.] I would. If I had the technology to do it, if it meant everyone could be safe... [A chuckle.] I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I guess that's not possible.

[She lets his hand go, and he tells himself it doesn't twitch slightly as he suppresses the urge to reach out and hold it again. One step at a time, Alenko. Although, to be honest, he didn't expect it would go any further beyond this step. Which was probably for the best, really. Whatever world they were in, they were in the middle of some sort of fight to save Earth. That had to come first.]

I don't know. Maybe it is. Or maybe there's something else here that we can use. I mean, it's a long shot, but-- [He breaks off with a self-deprecating grin] I - I guess I like to keep busy.

Maybe whatever we're looking for on Mars is like the technology here. If there was some way, any way, it could be done... [Her lips tug into an exhausted smile. The events of the mission and the talk are starting to get to her. She's exhausted.] Yeah, I do too. I... I really don't know what rest is. [There's a pause as her nose wrinkles.]

Barring my stint as a prisoner, that is.

We'll find a way, Shepard. [It usually isn't like Kaidan to be so outright hopeful, but what other option do they have in this war?

He notices the exhausted hint to her smile though, tries not to focus on why it is he can read her so well] Hey. I think we got the main issue sitting between us sorted, at least. If you want to go and give that rest thing a try, at least, I won't stand in your way.

[She smiles and makes a small noise of agreement. We'll find a way, Shepard. She certainly hopes like hell that they do.

This isn't the kind of time to sit back and let the Reapers take over.]

Don't worry about me. [The woman is exhausted. But she knows she won't sleep.] Now that we've got this mess settled, tell me what you've been up to, Kaidan.

[She's been so out of the loop.]

[Don't worry about me. He gives her a dry look that says it all before he actually addresses what she said] Ahah, well - keeping busy, I guess. Working with Anderson to try and convince the Alliance and anyone else who'd listen about the Reapers. [He finds himself ducking his head down again] Quietly, though. I won't lie, it was frustrating as hell - but I'm sure you know about that. We decided it'd be better if more of us were in position to be able to help get things mobilised. Didn't do much good, in the end.

[He shakes his head. A month time travelling and everything else that's happened since hasn't dulled the pain of losing Earth at all.] But, uh - well, I guess you learned about my promotion. It's - it's good for me Shepard, it really is. It take the kids who're coming fresh out of Grissom's. The best, brightest biotics the Alliance has to offer. They're already trained at that point, obviously, but they don't have a lot of field experience. I take 'em and help give 'em that. Teach them how to fight, how to survive. Most biotics are trained for the frontlines, and my guys can do that too, but - well, they are the best. [His tone isn't self-aggrandizing - it's more that he's hella proud of the men and women serving under him] We do covert operations. Behind enemy lines stuff - get in, hit hard, hit fast, get out. I gotta tell you, Shepard, these kids are a hell of a lot better prepared for this stuff than I ever was.

[She addresses the dry look with just an eyebrow raise. Still, she listens attentively as Kaidan talks to her about his life. There's a pang ringing in her, though. She's missed out on so much. Some of it isn't her fault; some is.]

I'm really glad for you, Kaidan. [She means it, and it's evident in her voice.] You're the best that I can think of to take them out onto the field and get them prepared. [Grissom's. Her eyebrows go up for a moment, and a smirk tugs at her lips.] You take the kids my Jack trains. Must be interesting.

[He opens his mouth to reply, but then the praise takes him by surprise. He clears his throat a little, rubbing the back of his neck] Well - it's not like it used to be. It's not like I have to balance the training with dealing with the trauma or anything, and - [Okay, no, suddenly a surprisingly youthful grin] No, you know what? Thanks, Shepard. It means a lot, that you think that.

[Aaaand a chuckle] Yeah. Most of the soldiers I'm dealing with at the moment only came into passing contact with her, but she sure leaves and impression. And I - I drop by the Academy every now and then. Keep an eye on the teachers, make sure that they're - that they know what they're doing. [Shepard knows why] She's good for them.

[She waits for him to continue fumbling over his words, to stop explaining himself like always. Even if she hadn't just spent the last month in close quarters with him -- rooming and being prisoners together -- she'd have remembered this about him. He's too damn logical for his own good, but that's...

That's something that Shepard enjoys about him.] You're welcome.

[Eyebrows are going up now. It's hard for her to wrap her mind around Jack being good for anyone, but she... She can see it. Realizes that she had a hand in Jack's improvement as an actual human being. The smile she wears is probably similar to one a mother would wear: proud and smug.] Yeah, Jack's immature enough to connect with kids.

They call her the 'psychotic biotic'. I mean - she's basically what every biotic kid dreams of growing up to be. That's why I get them after her, to be honest. I'm a little too, uh, 'straight-laced' to have the same appeal. [He shakes his head] How'd she end up serving on your crew? If...you don't mind me asking.

[Oh. My. God. She snorts and almost chokes on her own laughter. That is the most perfect nickname to ever exist.] Yeah, that... That fits, alright.

Aw, Kaidan. Don't sell yourself too short. I'm straight-laced in comparison to Jack.

[That gives her pause, and although she's still grinning, she's trying to pick her words right.] We... Sort of got her an early release from Purgatory. [Another pause.] The prison ship.

Haha, I don't know that it's selling myself short so much as just being frank. It's probably a good thing - the world can only handle so many Jacks and Shepards, I think.

[His eyebrows raise] Didn't that, uh, explode recently?

Hey, the things we do are a hard lot. You should be thanking us for keeping things so interesting for others. [She grins and waggles her eyebrows a bit.]

Oh, that. Yes. [:|]

[Staring at her for a moment, before shaking his head] You know, I don't know why I'm surprised. That's exactly the sort of thing you would do.

[She holds her hands up defensively.] The man tried to arrest me and sell me to the highest bidder.

Hey, I'm not laying blame. I don't think a mercenary-run prison is really something the galaxy should be playing host to, anyway. [He crosses his arms, thoughtfully] I was able to glean a lot of information from the reports that filtered through, especially in the last few months. But I never really got a direct picture of what happened, during your Collector missions. [He meets her gaze] You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to. But I'd like to know.

Why wouldn't I want to talk about it? [She leans back, keeping hold of his gaze.] What exactly do you want to know about what I did? [There's a pause.] Did you know that I participated in a krogan's rite of passage? We even took down the thresher maw. [Her lips stretch into a wide grin.] Nobody's done that since Wrex's rite of passage. I even got myself a breeding request.

I...honestly don't know. [Because he doesn't know the details of what happened, shit could be traumatic!] I like to cover my bases, I guess.

[There's a beat, before he laughs] No! Really? That's - that's not surprising at all, I gotta say. Well, maybe the breeding request, but you taking on a thresher more with a krogan in his rite of passage is the sort of tale you get used to hearing, being around you.

[Shit was traumatic! But she pretends trauma doesn't exist.]

You'd think I was the only person in the galaxy doing weird things, the way people talk about it. [She runs her fingers through her hair.] The breeding request took me by surprise too. Not really sure if that works that way.

[What else, what else.] The Omega-4 Relay was terrifying. [That's something she's not told to anyone before.] Not knowing if we were going to come back, not knowing what we were going to end up facing in there. I had a great crew. Stupid, suicidal, but amazing.

I don't think you're the only person. [There's that stark honesty to his voice before it reverts to humour] I just think you're doing it the loudest. And, uh, no. No, I don't think it does. [WOW WHO TURNED UP THE AWKWARD IN HERE AHAH]

[Something in his expression softens when she says that. He wants to reach for her hand again, but they only just got things resolved and they were never really that close to begin with.] You've got a talent for inspiring people to do crazy things, Shepard. I don't blame you for being terrified of that, though. It just means you understood the risks of what you were doing.

[A grin.] I'm not purposely trying to be the loudest. [Her head tilts a bit. She doesn't feel awkward at all.] Probably for the best. I've already raised one krogan. [She rolls her shoulder.] Not sure if I'm ready for another one just yet.

[Shepard looks away then. She hates that kind of look, like she's gone too far and gotten too personal. But he asked, and sometimes... Sometimes, it's too much to keep it all in.] It's not a talent I'm particularly proud of. [Sending people to their deaths.] No, I think the only thing I understood about it was that I was meant to die. [She laughs softly, leaning her head back.] I wasn't brought back for a second chance at life; I was brought back to die for the galaxy.

No, I know. [Unlike...most everyone else she hangs out with, Kaidan doesn't think that Shepard was born to do what she does.] That's...the same krogan you helped with the rite of passage? Do I want to know the details on this one?

[He waits, patient and understanding as ever, for her to say what she wants.] Hey. I have a talent for throwing people into walls with my mind and a few hand gestures. Having power of any kind is a responsibility, I know. [He frowns, and this time he does reach for her hand. Sue him, she's upset and he doesn't see this side of her very often]

You know what I think? I think that why you were brought back doesn't matter. Not really. If the Illusive Man was so insistent on you being - on you being you, then you is what he and anyone else gets to deal with. If you didn't - if you hadn't gone down with the Normandy, you and I both know you would have been out there fighting the Collectors, regardless. [His expression is worried] You were - no one's ever meant to die, Shepard. And whether or not Cerberus meant to give you a second chance at life, that's what you've got.

Grunt. [There's a nod from her, confirming that.] He was tank bred. Genetically engineered to be the perfect krogan, but he didn't escape the tank until I opened it. [A shrug, nonchalant. But she loves her babbu brogan.]

Yes, definitely the same thing. [She laughs but the sound dies away quickly enough when he reaches for her hand. Her eyes flicker down to them, and then a small smile tugs at her lips as she squeezes his hand.]

Probably would have, but that... [Her eyes are dark as she thinks about it.] I might not have been so reckless. I wouldn't have had the resources that I had. [She shakes her head.] I think the Illusive Man planned for us all to die out there. [It's a cold truth.] Some new life so far.

I'm a little concerned about what krogan would consider to be the perfect krogan.

[There might be a little self-conscious colour to his cheeks, but he's not going to mention it if she doesn't. Or if she does, for that matter. He squeezes her hand back] That's not that point I was trying to make, and you know it.

[Watching her carefully] Yes, but the intentions would have been the same. I mean, obviously what you experienced change you, you'd have to be - well, not inhuman, but you know what I mean - for it to not have. [A beat] I think the Illusive Man planned a lot of things that didn't come to fruition.

More aggressive and war-like, I think is their definition. [:T

She notices it, and she smirks, and there's really no way to miss what that smirk says exactly. She's mastered the art of trolling in a simple quirk of her lips. Pretty fantastic, tbh.] Yes, but I'm trying to not let things slide into too much dark territory.

[Watching him in return.] Intentions probably wouldn't have gotten me very far. Going after Saren felt nothing like tracking down the Collectors. [Her eyes drift down to their hands.] I didn't feel human anymore, but inbetween. It's a... strange disconnection. [And then she laughs.] Yes, I got that idea when I blew up the base despite his wants.

see somehow i can't forget you//

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NOW KISS

8|

8|!!

8^|

a nose!

yes! c^:

wow you're super cute.

what? no i'm not

we have had this discussion

yeah and i will still deny it most of the time

lying to yourseeeeeeeeelf

not like i've never done that before

whatever cutie

siiiigh you're lucky i love you

yes cx

:^|

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