exsiliumlogs | [Closed] (Unhappy Reunions)

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[Closed] (Unhappy Reunions)

Date & Time: August 1st, early evening
Location: A rooftop two buildings down from the temporary housing
Characters: Kate Kane and Renee Montoya
Summary: Two twice lost lovers discover each other again and this time there's nowhere to hide from their feelings, so instead they have to face each other like adults and endure whatever heartache may come.
Warnings: Emotional anguish definite, swearing likely.

Thinking was something Renee Montoya had spent the last half hour avoiding as best as humanly possible. Thinking about her situation, about the woman coming to meet her, about how much she meant to her, about how and why they'd parted. Most of all, she didn't want to think about how she would feel when she saw Kate again. No matter how many times things ended between them or how badly they broke each other's hearts, it seemed part of Renee could never stop loving Kate, could stop her from wanting to move closer to her, to crave her smile and her touch. Only distance had numbed that desire, and now it wasn't an option.

So Renee had sought distraction in preparing the signal for their rendezvous to keep from dwelling on those memories until they burst out of her in a scream or a fist against a wall. Climbing down, she'd spent some of her meager funds on a can of spray paint from a street vendor, then returned to her roof. Already having seen that what little authority existed here could be very charitably called inattentive, she doubted anyone would complain about the sudden presence of a white question mark appearing on one of the roofs.

Of course, question marks were not the most complicated symbols to draw, and shortly enough Renee was left with little to preoccupy her but stand in the rain and wait. Earlier she'd hidden herself under an overhang, but doing so now seemed far too much effort. Featureless face watching the skyline for a familiar profile, she simply let the water soak through her coat and clothes, ignoring her own body's shivers of cold beyond hoping for some of that numbness to bleed into her racing heart.

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It's a struggle not to think too much. It's a greater struggle to not feel anything at all. As soon as she had disconnected from the network, a rush of nausea and dizziness began and last for about a minute while she donned her uniform and slipped out a window.

At least she'll be expecting Kate in her mask. She's glad Renee is wearing hers; they never did a good job of concealing what they truly felt among each other. Their eyes betrayed them just as easily as their voices did.

She sees the familiar outline of the Question's profile -- mostly familiar, anyway, the blond hair is new -- and slowly approaches, cape dragging along the rooftop.

She stops several feet away, purposely maintaining the distance as if to say "I'm still angry". But really, when weren't they angry with each other? The last time they had seen each other face to face ended in jabs, both physical and verbal, before she had walked away. She regretted it for months and even now, at this very moment, she regrets it with all her heart. She thinks about how they could have salvaged their relationship and eventually moved fast all the bitter and ugly aspects of it like they had before.

They almost did.

"Hi," she says finally in a careful, controlled voice. Not a hint of emotion escapes her.

Renee couldn't dream of doing this without a mask, being able to see the hurt in Kate's eyes and knowing she saw the same in her own. Even if the bat shaped symbol she wears on her face isn't as complete as Renee's, her self control makes it as hard to read. She also gives her the distance, even though the second those boots hit the roof there's some part of her, she likes to tell herself a childish part, that wants nothing so much as to run into her arms and pretend the last year never happened. That they hadn't both thrown away their second chance.

For a moment her throat closes up and even with no face she's sure Kate can see her struggle as clear as day. They always were too good at reading each other and utterly unwilling to understand one another, a poisonous combination. Nothing comes to mind to say, whether false pleasantries, screamed curses, terse welcomes, nothing. Kate at least, from what she's heard, has moved on, has allies, comrades, a city to protect. What has Renee found? Beyond what Charlie left her she has Tot, whose already begun to question her actions, and Helena who doesn't even remember her.

Kate's the promise of a better life, only trying to make that promise happen would just shatter what Kate has built.

The one word greeting breaks Renee out of her silence, and she nods her head. "Hey. No trouble following my directions?"

If she wasn't too busy feeling apprehensive about the current ordeal she would have rolled her eyes at Renee's sarcastic self-defense. She's nervous, Kate's nervous. A part of her can already sense tensions boiling over. She doesn't want to be Renee's neck if she doesn't have to, but...

Well, it's recurring theme with them. She may have been a better person with her, but she was the worst, too. They bring out the ugliest sides of themselves among each other.

She tells herself maybe it won't be the same here. She has Roslyn and she's attracted to her and they're happy together. Her thoughts don't trail to any of her past lovers when she's with her.

"I know my way around," she says and nods curtly, unable to tear her eyes off Renee.

She might not be able to see her face, but she can picture it perfectly beneath the mask. She wonders if Renee is happy to see her and almost immediately, curses herself mentally for wondering in the first place. Several seconds into meeting her face-to-faceless and she's already thinking more things she's desperately tried to bury for the better part of a year.

"Getting a feel of the place?"

History is against them, in so many ways. Lots of old hurt just waiting to be torn back open, plenty of memories of how badly things have worked out, guilt putting them on the defensive. Much as she wants to treasure the good times that were beautiful in the joy they brought, facing Kate it's hard to hold onto those, and trying to threatens convincing her to try again.

Everything is tension, like walking into a bust knowing there's guns leveled at her, but at the same time she can't look away. Even under a mask there's no hiding that Kate Kane is a beauty, but she knows too well the true wonder is in her mischievous smile, the way her eyes sparkle when she's cooking up some new plot or her whole face lights up when she smiles. Even with the masks as shields she wants to just stare.

But doing so is counterproductive and more than a little creepy, so she clears her throat, and nods at Kate's curt rebuttal.

It's hard to when I only just got here, but it's certainly bringing back memories of No Man's Land."

Another bad thought, that year from hell where the seeds of her life's unravelling were planted in the psychotic obsession of a mad man. "Have you been alright?"

That's the third time in less than two months someone has dragged up No Man's Land, the intense period of time Gotham had been swallowed by chaos and disorder. People consider Kate blessed to have avoided the entire calamity, however, there are times she can't decide if she's lucky to have been at USMA while most people she knew had been stuck there.

Like Renee.

Is this place really so similar to No Man's Land? She's seen the archives and heard plenty of stories, but the reality is she might not ever know.

"I've heard that one before -- and I'm fine." She waves a hand dismissively. "You?"

That's where her voice betrays her; revealing prominent concern for the other woman, like she's been waiting weeks to ask this question. She wanted to. All these months, there have been numerous things she's wanted to tell Renee and ask her.

No Man's Land was not a part of her life she liked to think about, but then again she had few enough happy memories to spare that weren't tainted by some tragedy or loss. Still, the seeds planted in that ruined city she'd been too stubborn to abandon had come to take her family, her job, her pride, her partner, and her lover all in a series of crushing blows. All because of one man's obsession with her.

She was beginning to wonder, staring across at Kate wrapped in her symbol if love wasn't all just some form of sick obsession.

"Easy comparison to make I guess." She shrugged, tearing her eyes away to turn to face the city without showing a face of her own. The concern cuts even deeper than the ambivalence because with it comes hope. Hope they can start over again, do it right this time, not make the same mistakes.

Which in and of itself is one of those same mistakes.

"Can't really say, just got here." That wasn't what Kate was asking though, and after a moment she added, "Not tracking any cults at the moment." Hard to hide the bitterness there, although where it's directed she can't say. Her obsession with one had robbed her of their second chance, stripped her of her few remaining morals, and dragged her through a nightmare she still hadn't quite escaped. Another had stolen her mind, a third branded her face with an eternal mark she still did not fully understand. The time between them had not been kind to her.

Finally managing to look back at Kate, it was easy to see the slump of Renee's shoulders even through her thick coat. "Been making plenty of other mistakes though."

Well, that doesn't take long.

She seethes with anger. That's not fair, she thinks. She feels she's being emotionally manipulated already by Renee and tells herself this is not the first time she's felt this way and unfortunately, it never seems to be the last.

"How dare you," there's a snarl at the edge of her voice. She bristles, her dominant hand tightening into a fist. A threat. "The first thing you say to me after all this time."

She attempts to conceal the hurt in her tone, but it slips out with her barely conscious of it just yet.

Well great, they're off to a fine start. Renee's bitterness had actually been more general, an anger at the world that kept finding new ways to screw her over, but of course with how they last met Kate would take it as a jab at her.

Of course, it'd be nice if she actually explained that to Kate, but suddenly Renee found herself on the defensive, not a place she liked to be. Suddenly she felt her own anger boiling up, frustration at having her life stolen again before she could finish rebuilding it, resentment at the world for constantly shitting on her, and more than a little guilt and self loathing all come to a fine point in her, and before she knows it her own fists are balling tight.

"Is what? The truth? Or would you like me to feed you bullshit about how everything's fantastic? You're the one who waited this long to ask how I'm doing, and now you don't like the answer?"

The hurt in Kate's voice is like a knife in her heart, opening all those old self inflicted wounds of hatred. Part of her wants to just break down, to turn inward with all her disgust for herself she's been trying to control, but she refuses to in front of Kate, leaving it all bubbling out of her at the wrong targets.

With Renee on the defense, Kate's indignation grew. It would have been quite a sight for others to see; Batwoman recoiling from hurtful words.

But it isn't just anyone saying them. No matter how hard she tries, Renee's opinion and feelings about her mattered too much. In spite of all the screaming and shouting they've done over and over, Kate hasn't let go. A part of her desperately wants to, but the reluctant part of her worries if she does, she will be left with nothing. No longer does she have her father, Beth, or Renee back home.

And Bette's long gone. She's completely alone. It's a cold and hollow feeling she can't escape.

"You just couldn't wait to bring it up, couldn't you?" An accusatory finger shoots up immediately. If Renee's going to hurt her again, she'll fire back words just as painful. "You brought this on yourself, with your sick obsession for that book. I was trying to help you!"

Every word Kate says hurts even worse because each hits one of her own fears. That everything that's happened to her was her own fault. Her family abandoned her because she couldn't trust them. Crispus died because she couldn't control herself. Charlie suffered because she wanted to cling to him. Kate left because of her own obsessions. Even if Kate wasn't making the accusations, Renee was hearing them. She'd learned to manage her depression, to contextualize when her self directed accusations were justified and when they were destructive, but hearing one of those same accusations come from someone she had loved, who she still loved, seemed to tear down all those barriers.

Worse, this stab was one she was almost certain was justified.

In just a few years she'd lost or thrown away everyone she cared about, everyone except Kate, and in her desperation to hang onto the one person she had left, the one source of joy in her life, she'd ruined that too. Now she had to stand and face that same woman throwing her mistake back in her face, and she knew even her mask wasn't hiding all the pain and anger tearing her up.

"I did what you wanted. I stayed away. You're the one who wanted to reconnect." That was a lie. In the heat of the moment, Renee couldn't even remember which of them had proposed meeting, but she'd wanted it so badly, been wanting it since their last parting. "Funny how everybody thinks the best way to help me is to leave!"

Her gloves are the only thing keeping her fingers from drawing blood she's clenching them so hard, and it was all she could do to stay standing. The one thing she wouldn't do was tell Kate how right she was, how that book led to months of systematic torture as the Religion of Crime did everything in their power to tear apart who she was and leave her with nothing. No matter how angry she was, she didn't want Kate to know how low she had fallen.

The reality is that Renee's always been the maturer of the two, but when she doesn't pull her verbal punches, Kate really can't handle the hit. She almost gapes at Renee, offended by such an accusation. She never wanted to leave. They wouldn't be tearing at each other's throats and stabbing each other in their most emotionally vulnerable spots if Renee had never stormed out of the penthouse that fateful day.

As if she's just been stung, she flinches and takes a step back. She doesn't cower from Renee. She won't.

"I didn't --"

I didn't want to.

But it gives away weakness and proves Renee's always been right about them -- that they had had something special. Something she still yearns for, even with Roslyn. It makes her sick to her stomach and her heart break into little pieces she hasn't been able to find complete happiness, even with a new lover in her life.

"I didn't want any of this." Her voice lowers, guarded, but still laced with bitter anger. This isn't how she imagined ever running into Renee again. "I should have never asked you to come."

It's as much as an apology as her pride will allow her.

The moment the poisoned words left her lips Renee knew they'd struck home, only the target they hit had never been the one they were intended for. Seeing Kate jerk back, watching the hurt and guilt and anger twist her expression to the point where even her mask couldn't conceal it, Renee wished she could cut her own heart out to stop all this.

Fear of a moment such as this one had been why she'd stayed away, even when all she'd ever wanted to do was crawl back to Kate and beg for forgiveness. Pride had played its part to be sure, but more than that was the belief that her very presence hurt the one person she loved most. Just being around Kate put her in danger, the sort all her training and weapons couldn't defend her from. She knew she was broken, toxic, and that Kate deserved a better life away from her, where she could be happy. Perhaps there was also a part of her that had wanted to cling to the notion that someday they could be together, and felt terror at having that final hope extinguished by hateful words.

They'd been reunited for a few minutes, and already her worst nightmares about herself and them were coming true.

"You're right, you shouldn't have," she said, but the fire was drained out of her and all that was left was exhausted self loathing as she stared at the roof.

"You were right you know. About the damn book. About me. It lead me to nothing but more suffering. Some days it feels like that's all I'm meant for, and you deserve better. I didn't stay away because I hated you Kate, I stayed away because I'm damaged goods, and you're never going to get what you deserve with me. Abandoning me was the best decision you made, and you should have stuck with it."

Pain was blossoming across her face, the cross shaped burn scar that twisted her features starting to break free of the self control that had kept it hidden, another reminder of how twisted she was, one that forced her to clench her fists as she struggled to keep everything, anything, under control.

A slew of profanities rested on the edge of her tongue, threatening to spill forward. Instead, she drew in on herself tightly. A common instinctual reaction from her would have been to continue lambasting Renee for everything she had and hadn't done for her, for them, but Renee's words hit her like sharpened, hot needles.

But she stood there with grim satisfaction she didn't want to completely feel and pitying Renee for what she knew that heinous book would have done to her. The book that called for her death. Her sister's death. With pieces of the puzzle finally having come together, she found it harder to accept the fact Renee slaved over that damn thing.

"I didn't ask you to stay away," she said, breath ragged, suddenly full of exhaustion that wasn't there before. "I need -- we need --" she corrected quickly, "Time, I think. To sort this out."

Uncertainty riddled her voice as she spoke. There was no telling if time would ever fix what damage had been done between them. She thought of Roslyn and how this was unfair to her.

And how it was just as unfair to Renee, to potentially lead her on like this.

"It was my mistake. We..." her tongue was useless for a moment. "I asked you back then, do you remember? To stay with me. I never wanted you out of my life or for you to face whatever you had to alone."

Renee had slaved over that book, had thrown away everything she had left in pursuit of it, all for the woman standing before her. At the time all she'd been able to do was remember how more decisive action might have saved her partner's life, how coming out to her family might have given her more time to rebuild things with them, how dealing with Two Face sooner could have helped her keep her career. Every time some hesitation might have cost her another piece of her life pounded in her head as she frantically tried to race against the clock to keep Kate safe. Even losing her hadn't seemed to matter at the time, so long as she was alive, safe, free to move forward without some mad cult dogging her every step.

So she'd never have to cradle her again as she bled out in her arms.

It had seemed so simple back then, felt so right, but since that time she'd come to realize that nothing so clean and simple could ever be real. No, life had no answers, just layers of questions giving birth to more confusion. Even know, knowing that her actions might not have been right, knowing their cost, could she honestly say she wouldn't repeat them?

"Time hasn't been much of a friend to us," she managed, trying not to let any renewed hope swell up, hope for a third chance, for love and happiness. Hope just gave more fuel to anger when it didn't pan out.

"No," she finally admitted, "You've never wanted me out of your life, and I've never wanted to be out of it, but somehow I keep ending up leaving. I guess I'm just a shitty partner after all." Damn Kane, damn her for making Renee want to believe they could still find each other, for making her eyes burn.

"I don't want to do this to us again."

Although Renee took jabs at herself, Kate felt increasingly wounded by her words, feeling at fault for all of this in the first place. Months spent trapped in this chaotic new world had given her some time to think through everything she had been through -- with Renee, especially.

The faint glimmer of hope truthfully had her backing away, holding Roslyn close to her thoughts. She had longed to see Renee for what felt like an eternity, but she was a fiercely loyal person and refused to hurt Roslyn in the process of all this (although confronting her about the fact her ex-lover was here was going to be difficult).

"I don't either," she sighed. "If time isn't enough... then I don't know what is. Where can we even start, Renee?"

Seeing Kate back away, seeing that distance widen, Renee's heart suddenly clenched in pain and terror. It was idiotic, she should want to be anywhere else, had been doing her best to drive Kate away from her, to make her see why she should be anywhere but with her, and yet the moment she moved to do so the prospect of her absence burned. Burned like the Mark rising to her face once more.

Remembering Charlie and Dragon's teachings, seeking desperately the calm she'd so fleetingly held on that icy city, she tried to not let panic rule her actions.

"Should we? I...I want-" You. "We need trust, and honesty, and that's not going to come on a rooftop behind a mask. I just...I don't know. I only learned to ask questions, answers never seemed to be part of the deal."

For once not a pun, but an honest admission that the persona she'd wrapped herself in, the one that helped keep her alive and sane, was one built on asking yet almost never receiving.

God, could she empathize with Renee's situation; in her own desperation quest for answers she found herself barreling down a never ending rabbit hole of questions. Whatever happened to her sister, who was in the room that fateful day her father found them, what exactly the True Believers want with her and her family... there was the dreaded sinking feeling she would never know, no matter how hard she pursued it.

Everything was moving too fast she could barely keep up. She nodded though; Renee was right.

"We... could work this slowly." There was a hint of uncertainty of course, because it seemed no matter how many times they tried, their temperaments were bound to ignite. "We've got nothing but time here."

That was also likely untrue, but it felt like that often.

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[Closed] (Unhappy Reunions)

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be at renee's neck* I CAN'T TYPE

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And wow, I never got this notif

it's cool! i should apologize for this late response u_u

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