[OPEN] Look out to the future but it tells you nothing, so take another breath.

[hostage]

Date & Time: August 18-25
Location: ???
Characters: Jesse & OPEN to all
Summary: Everyday encounters with one adorable junkie.
Warnings: Well, it's Jesse Pinkman, so drug abuse and spoilers.
Notes: This is a catch-all log. Put the date and location in the subject line.


[Routine. It's one of the first things they teach you in rehab: the importance of routine. The uncertainty of an unplanned day leads to anxiety, which leads to the temptation to use. Routine encourages stability and productivity. No guesswork, no drifting. It's all laid out. You wake up and you know what you're supposed to do until the moment it's time for sleep again.

Jesse is beyond saving when it comes to his addiction, but he still lives by the routine. It's important not because it'll stop him from using, but because it'll stop him from completely losing his mind and hurting someone again.

He doesn't bother with breakfast. He snorts a line of meth to get him going, because god knows that coffee isn't strong enough, and that kills his appetite pretty quick. He's out of the apartment around ten, smoking a cigarette on his way to the lab. Depending on what needs doing, he'll either spend the entire day there or run out to the clinics in town to administer anti-verstatsi drugs to the populace and help measure their progress. Another cigarette replaces lunch. When work is done, he puts in his training hours at the gun range. Then it's time to go home and wind down, which usually involves a joint or a needle or sex or all of the above. Weed helps him stomach a small dinner. He forces himself to shower even when he doesn't want to. He shoots tranq to get to sleep.

And repeat.]

Comments

[hostage]

Look, it ain't about how much I trust you! This stuff goes to your head. It happens to everybody.

[5055034455]

Then take it. If you honestly think that's what'll happen, that I'll go off and hurt someone just because I can — go ahead. Take it.

[hostage]

[He almost does. Everything about this feels sickeningly familiar. Even this invitation feels familiar. Jesse grinds his teeth and looks Saul straight in the eye and -

And if he does this, and something happens to Saul because he was left defenseless, then what?

Forget Heisenberg; what happens when the bombs start falling again? What if they end up on a dangerous mission? What if another random cyborg decides to go on a rampage?

Jesse throws his head back in frustration.]

God.

[5055034455]

[He lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, fingers absently twitching at his side. Great. Jesse didn't do it, but Saul's not blind; he can tell Jesse's still tempted — or maybe "worried" is a better word — and maybe he's got a point, but...

Saul's not taking chances anymore. He needs this.]

If I step out of line, you do whatever you feel like you need to. For now, though — at least give me the benefit of the doubt. Deal?

[hostage]

[This is a shitty deal. If it ever did get that bad, then Saul would just take him out. And it would be really easy, as he just demonstrated.

...

Saul's right. Jesse doesn't trust him. He thought he did, but that can't be true if he's feeling like this.]



No.

[5055034455]

[He studies Jesse for a long moment, gaze searching. For what, he's not sure, but he knows what Jesse's thinking and there has to be an answer somewhere —

Or maybe he should just ask for one.]

What do I have to do to earn your trust?

[hostage]

You don't need it.

You just do what you're gonna do and know I won't stop you, whatever happens.

[5055034455]

Actually, I do need it. I need you to trust me and I want you to stop me if I'm ever about to do something stupid, just like I've stopped you. That's how this is supposed to work.

[hostage]

[Jesse shakes his head.]

I can't... I can't.

[5055034455]

You can't what?

[hostage]

Any of it. All of it. I don't know how.

[5055034455]

[What hurts more than Jesse not trusting him is that Saul was hoping beyond hope this whole time that Jesse might eventually be okay, somehow. The realization that such a future doesn't really exist is almost enough to break his heart. He should've let himself see it sooner, but —

His shoulders slump, his gaze slides to the floor, and he rubs the side of his face.]

Jesse...

[hostage]

[By contrast, Jesse picks his chin up and squares his shoulders.]

It doesn't even matter. I shouldn't've even - I mean, whatever. You wanna be strong and I want you to be safe, so... If this is how it is. It's your call. Even if I wanted to stop you, I couldn't.

[5055034455]

[He looks up just enough to meet Jesse's eyes, but even then, he's not quite looking directly at him.]

If you don't feel safe around me, that's a problem.

[hostage]

No, it's not. I'm not gonna be a problem for you.

[5055034455]

You've never been the problem! Do you still not get that?

[hostage]

You wanted me dead, Saul. Did you forget about that?

[5055034455]

[Very, very quietly:] No. I didn't forget.

[hostage]

You want all this power, fine, but you're gonna have to be the one that deals with it. I can't do it anymore. I can't be the one that gets in the way, all in the back of your head all the time, like, "What's Pinkman gonna do when he finds out about this?" I'm telling you right now the answer is: nothing. You hurt somebody with this, you take responsibility for it. And if you don't like me looking at you like you're the fucking Hulk, maybe you shouldn't've decided to turn into the fucking Hulk in the first place.

[5055034455]

[Saul stares, Saul blinks, Saul wonders when he ever asked Jesse to deal with his shit in the first place. And then he decides he doesn't owe anyone an explanation, at all, ever. He doesn't need to justify his actions or argue that he made the right decision; time will offer him that opportunity. And who the hell does Jesse think he is, anyway, to assume that the voice of Saul's conscience sounds so much like his?

It's not that Jesse's wrong, but Saul feels an awful lot like he's talking to Mike right now.]

...fair enough.

[hostage]

Can I go now?

[It's not Mike, it's Jesse, and Jesse needs to go smoke some meth and forget he ever cared about this.]

[5055034455]

Yeah.

[Except Saul will be the one to go, first; he bends to retrieve his gun, then turns without offering Jesse another look and heads back to his target.]