exsiliumlogs | { closed }

Entry tags:

{ closed }

Date & Time: September 4th / 5th, around that
Location: their place which is ... somewhere...
Characters: Papabear Joel & Ellie / Papabear Joel & Mamabear Tess
Summary: Ellie's been experiencing restless nights and she seems to be trying to keep it from Joel. BUT HE KNOWS. So he got her a little something. Who knows if it'll even help keep the night demons away :( The following day he has a talk with Tess.
Warnings: none? possible swearing. spoilers if you haven't finished/played the game. oh and what's that? you don't need your heart? welp say goodbye to it after this.

[ They've been in Exsilium for just over a month now. They seem to have settled into a semi-normal routine despite the few bumps in the road in the beginning. Tess was back on board with them, alive, breathing, warm flesh. Not screeching and hungering to rip the flesh off their necks or anywhere she could reach. It still felt too good to be true, but they were dealing with it, having her back, having a chance at normalcy, a chance at true security, comfort and making a home for the three of them.

It was like another shot had been given to them to give life and settling down a try.

For Ellie and Joel, it could've easily been done. Tommy had offered them a place with him and Maria at the dam. Electricity, fresh running water. A damn proper roof over their heads. Some nights Joel laid awake wondering if things might have been different had he accepted his baby brother's offer, to give Ellie a proper chance at life and routine, not having to live with the fear of being hunted, not knowing if she'd be able to catch a decent meal every day. Struggling with surviving out in the wilds on the road for the remainder of her life. Carrying the survivor's guilt that she did, as he did, along with her immunity that could've been a cure for all of mankind. Or possibly only 10% of it.

Damn that mission. Damn his obligation, the pride he took in keeping his word to the very end.

Glancing down at the raggedy little brown bear that fit to the size of his hand, Joel idly picked at one of the stitches on the right side of its belly, a little button making up its belly button. He had picked it up days ago at one of the stalls in the market. Joel still asked himself why, what was the point. She wouldn't care for it, was probably too old for such trivial things. That didn't stop him any from moving into the room she occupied as her own bedroom in the place they had found to call their own. He stood in front of her bed, turning the bear over to look it up and down. ]

Ah, what the hell.

[ Joel leaned over her roughly made bed, placed it on the pillow. He hoped it might help her sleep better at night, hoped that it would chase away the demons that kept her up and stopped her from completely succumbing to her nightmares. He had no idea how to help her and it felt horrible. It hurt to see her the way she was now; he was helpless, useless, wasn't he supposed to be her protector? Like with Sarah as she had laid on the ground bleeding out, he had felt the exact same, only able to clutch her hand and beg her to stay with him. He had been unable to take away her pain, to help her and make it all right again. Perhaps this fluffy little thing could work some sort of magic and act as a catcher of nightmares. Although Ellie wasn't telling either of the adults that she was struggling with sleeping, Joel could tell just by looking at her. It had gotten worse over the course of the month, too obvious. The bags under her eyes, the pale pallor that bordered on near sickly, the faint tremors that passed through her fingers.

She was suffering and he wanted nothing more than to help make things right again for her. And if this was the way to do it, then so be it.

Out of the room he went, closing the door halfway behind him. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[By now she probably knows that he mumbles on and off in his sleep, suffering and sifting through his own set of ghastly nightmares. He's always been a light sleeper, however, and when he feels the light nudge at his shoulder and hears his name cutting through the thick blanket of unconsciousness, Joel's eyes snap open to stare at the wall, dazed.

A few blinks and he twists beneath the blanket, surprised to see her standing there. And then the worry sets in, fast, all the scenarios running through his head that something's gone wrong. Tess is gone. Tess in danger and she needs their help. Something's caught on fire. They're under attack. Ellie's in...]

Ellie?

[Almost- just almost- Joel goes to turn his arm to look at his watch to check the time. Oh right. Christ. A hand scrubs down his face instead.]

What is it? What's wrong?

[He's turned to face her now, about to push back the covers to slide out of bed.

Somehow he is not surprised in the very least to see that she's up at this ungodly hour.]

Edited 2013-09-04 08:36 (UTC)

Sorry, I--

[The words are thick, and she is sorry for bothering him. Joel carries enough, so she tries to keep her own mess separate from his.]

I can't sleep.

[The vulnerability she feels when admitting that makes her stare at the foot of the bed in the dark. She's not sure why she's in here at this hour. Did she want to talk about it? No, not really. Joel doesn't have any magic powder to make her sleep peacefully, but he does make her feel safe.]

... I haven't been sleeping. I mean, I do, a little, but I keep having these fucking nightmares. It's so stupid. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[She doesn't know that this is a thing young children do, because when she was little and had nightmares, she just cried it out on her own. She didn't exactly HAVE anyone to go to, not like this.]

[He wants to tell her that these nightmares will eventually go away, but how can he do that when it's been twenty years for him and he's still struggling through his own?

Joel can't help but wonder where Tess has gone off to, seeing as she isn't in bed with him; she must've fallen asleep on the rickety couch. Her presence would really be appreciated in this situation, but this is what he's been hoping for, for Ellie to finally talk about it.]

Did you... want to ah- you feel like talking about it?

[Blankets pulled aside, he's sitting at the edge now looking up at her. He won't push her. If she's not ready to talk about it then that's all right with him.]

[He's already stumbling over himself. Somehow, that helps. He doesn't really know what he's doing, either. Ellie takes a breath.]

I don't know. I don't even know what to say.

I just... don't want to be by myself right now. Can I stay here for a little while?

[In the darkness of his room Joel looks around. All that he has is the double size bed, the nightstand at its side, the tall wardrobe next to the closet with both their doors in dire need of repair sometime down the road, and ... that was it. There was no chair for her to curl up in.

There was only one other option.

Joel gestures to the bed. Because really- he's not going to let or make her sleep on the floor.]

In you go, then.

[That's not exactly what she meant, but the invitation brings a soft smile to her face. She gives him a few moments to retract the offer, but when he doesn't, she crawls past him to the other side. For now, she just sits cross-legged in the dark.]

Sorry for waking you up.

You ain't the only one dealin' with nightmares.

[His mumble is a tired one, defeated. And it's his way of saying thanks for the interruption. Joel accidentally bumps her knee with an arm as he settles back in under the blanket.]

Scooch. Got plenty of room still.

[Ellie scoots over, though she takes note of how much of the bed Joel takes up. Poor Tess.]

Do you want to talk about yours?

[She asks, wryly. She can guess what his nightmares are, just like he can guess hers. Most of them, at least.]

Lay down. Get some sleep.

[Is all he answers with. Nice try though, kiddo. He drapes an arm over his eyes, ready again for the moment his nightmares take him.]

[Thought so. Ellie wiggles her way under the blankets, head on the pillow, facing Joel.]

Do you just get used to it?

[He doesn't respond. Instead he lays there in silence, breathing out through his mouth, a slow and steady rhythm that might suggest he's probably already fallen back asleep. Joel's an old man after all.]

[When she gets no reply, Ellie huffs.]

Now is so not the time to be an ass, Joel. I'm serious.

[This is her trying to talk about it. In a roundabout way. It's always easier to talk about someone else.]

What'd I say about you goin' to sleep?

[There's a faint shifting but that's only because Joel's lifted his arm to shoot her a look. Doubtful that she'd see it in the dark, but he did it!]

If I could fall asleep at the drop of a fucking hat, don't you think I'd be doing it already?

[She groans in frustration. While she's too tired to really bark at him, she knows exactly the look he's giving her.]

[Joel sighs to himself. Again he falls silent, and when Ellie probably thinks he's gone back to ignoring her once more-- wrong! He's just been mulling over how to answer the question without really answering it.

That silence carries for another moment, and then he speaks up, quietly because who knows if Tess is eavesdropping from the living room.]

... Tess.

[There's something else to his tone when he murmurs her name. But it's his answer.]

[That something else in Joel's voice washes away Ellie's annoyance. Sometimes it's difficult, with Joel. He locks up, checks out, shuts down sometimes when all Ellie wants to do is talk, but she gets it. She does the same damn thing, in her own way.]

I thought so.

[Ellie's quiet, deciding on what say and what not to say. There's so much.]

My... nightmares aren't really nightmares. It's just--moments. Replaying. I know how they turn out, but I keep feeling everything all over again. I wake up covered in sweat, shaking, feeling like I'm gonna puke.

I hate it.

[She has a feeling he knows exactly what she's talking about.]

[Oh he knows all right, and more. Nevertheless, Joel isn't about to tell a young fourteen year old girl to hit the bottle like he had chosen to over the course of the past twenty years.]

They're still nightmares if they're keeping you up all night.

[A pause.]

'Thought so'. Just what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing bad. I'm perceptive. [After a year of getting to know this man, spending day in and day out around him, Ellie would like to think she could read him pretty damn well.]

I can guess the stuff you worry about.

Tess ain't what I worry about, Ellie. [That's an obvious lie.]

And since you're so perceptive, you mighta noticed it's way past your bedtime.

She's one of them. [Ellie isn't going to be cruel and drag up everything else.]

I did. Sorry if I'm not too eager to go back to nightmares about a psycho pinning me down, Joel.

[... okay, maybe she's a little cruel when she's annoyed with him brushing her off.]

Yes. And no. [Fine. Fine.] Tess has helped, all right? We've been... partners for years. Having her near has... it's just helped; it's what I meant when I answered you.

[Joel remembers her words, "He tried to--", remembers how she had burst into tears against him. Clung.]

He can't hurt you anymore. [But David can still succeed through haunting her dreams, clearly.] You're safe now, here. Me and Tess- we'll keep him away.

[Whether Joel means Ellie's nightmares or the possibility of him showing up, he doesn't specific. In his mind, Joel will take care of the man personally whether it's fighting back her nightmares or fighting the bastard away in reality.]

[That pause before partners. Ellie's talked to Tess, of course, but she's not going to tease Joel about anything when he's being open with her like this.]

I'm really glad she's here for you.

[And she's so sorry it's her fault that Tess died in the first place.

Fingers dig into the pillow by her cheek. She wishes she could kill David over and over and over again, until he was so gone that he couldn't even take form in her mind.]

I just wanna have one week where I don't wake up scared. Just one week, you know?

[She feels a hot tear roll down her face and hit her hand. Thank god for the sound of the rain and the dark. While the dark might hide her tears, the shake in her voice doesn't.]

I don't want to have to go to the fucking courtyard every month and hold my breath, and I don't want to look at people and wonder if they'll try to strangle me if I let my guard down. I'm already tired of it.

[How the hell did Joel do it?]

Edited 2013-09-04 11:13 (UTC)

[He listens to her speak, hears the tremor in her words, how her voice wavers in and out and almost meshes with the pattering of the rain against the windowpane. Every muscle in his body tenses when he hears her tears, and then loosens, just as his heart had seized at the sound of her so defeated and in pain from not being able to sleep. Something as simple as fucking sleeping, and nearly everything they had experienced kept her from that.

If Nightmare was a man, Joel would be beating the living black piss out of him right about now.]

Hey--

[He's rolled over onto his side, towards her, a hand reaching out in the dark. His fingers smooth over her cheek to find no tears but it's his thumb that slips over the trek of them along her nose. Shifting somewhat, Joel wraps an arm around her and pulls her in exactly as he had upon finding her. He gets her tucked in under his chin, hand settled at the back of her head.]

I made you a promise, baby girl. I promised I would not let anyone ever hurt you, myself included. Now I intend to keep that promise, no matter what.

[Every word that rumbles in his chest, Joel means. He can practically feel her fatigue as he holds her; there's nothing else he can really do but be there for her while she at least tries to sleep, keep close and continue to reassure her.

In the morning, he'll talk to Tess. They'll work something out. Anything to help her through this.]

[This is becoming a familiar position. Ellie clutches the fabric of his shirt, though this time she doesn't need to be careful of any wounds. His words get a shaky nod and the tiniest sound of acknowledgement out of her as she presses her face into his chest. The tears smearing against her face are uncomfortable, but being here is, like it always has been. She believes every word he says.

For a little bit, she just lets herself cry it out. Most of it escapes in a big, unsteady exhale, followed by some sniffling. Joel's the only person she'd let see her like this, the only person she'd trust to take care of her like this.]

I know.

[She knows he'd do anything he could to help her.]

I'm just tired.

[While she cries it out, Joel lets her and says nothing. He's gentle but firm as he rubs her back, his mind drifting to an afternoon decades ago, rainy like tonight, a small blonde girl crying and sniffling against his chest where he cradled her after she'd broken her wrist. He had warned her not to be a monkey, to keep the climbing in the playground on the monkeybars, not high in the trees, but Sarah had loved it- the thrill of going up up up, being higher than everyone.

To rouse himself from the memory threatening to suffocate him Joel speaks up, keeping his voice a soft drawl between them.]

I'll be right here the entire time. [To chase your demons away.] Close your eyes, baby girl, hush.

[A little more shifting and he's carefully got her ponytail freed, her elastic pulled onto his right wrist for safekeeping.]

... Dream of Mary and her little lamb, with fleece as white as snow. Dream that everywhere Mary went, the lamb was sure to go... [That drawl continues but in a murmuring and soothing, steady singsong.]

[Baby girl. She seems to relax at that name, and even moreso when she feels him gently free her hair. Ellie's eyes are closed as she listens to his voice, feels him breathe. Her hand wipes at her face, though she's already left an imprint on Joel's shirt.

This must be what having a father feels like. Ellie had said Sarah was lucky to have Joel, and he had said he was lucky to have Sarah. But Ellie knows that she herself is lucky to have him, even if he's not her dad.]

Thanks for the bear.

[And everything else.]

[Hearing that draws out a faint tired smile from him. He's stopped rubbing her back now that he knows she's calmed down, finally relaxed.]

Mm.

[He's got his arm tucked under the pillow beneath her head and his other arm loosely around her. It's time for bed, but Joel's going to lay there with his eyes closed and wait until he knows for certain that she's finally comfortable allowing herself to sleep.]

Get some rest, now.

You too.

[A sigh, and Ellie lets herself go still. She's never fallen asleep in someone's arms like this (though once she thought she was going to die in someone's embrace), but she finds herself at peace. Even if it's just for now. It's enough.

The bed is soft and Joel is warm, so she allows herself to drift off.

She wills herself to dream about girls named Mary (that have short blonde hair and soccer trophies), and little lambs that look more like ugly teddy bears.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

{ closed }

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject