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Date & Time: Afternoon, September 8th
Location: Sarah's room, Civic Gardens
Characters: Sarah Manning (

variates) & Helena (

sestra)
Summary: Helena has found her clone on board.
Warnings: spoilers for series one of orphan black! will update with other possible warnings.

[It's when she's reading over the list of other Transports that Helena finds a familiar name. SARAH MANNING. Immediately, she tracks her down, finds the location of her living quarters, and goes to them.]

[And naturally, she breaks in. Her sister's room is empty, but that she doesn't make her leave. Helena sits on Sarah's bed, bouncing up and down a few times, crinkling the sheets. In her hands is a bowl of jello, and she scoops out a bite or two where she sits, taking a look around the room more closely. She reaches out and runs her hand over the bed, then sets the jello down on the nightstand to peer under the bed. Nothing. She wanders briefly into the bathroom, poking at the toothbrush and opening cabinets, but nothing catches her eye and she returns soon to the bedroom.]

[Lifting the jello, she starts on it again, munching as she keeps examining the room. She lifts up the jacket laid idly over a chair, runs her fingers along the sleeve. She wriggles around and tries it on, then goes to look at herself in the mirror. Her fingers take on the gesture of a gun, and she aims it at her reflection, the other hand still holding the bowl.]

[Two seconds later, she tugs the jacket off angrily and throws it carelessly on the mattress. She stares at it for a moment, free hand balling into a fist. Then she starts to tug open drawers, digging around and looking for paper and pen. She scribbles something, her fingers smudging the paper with jello; she finishes up the bowl, leaving only small chunks at the bottom. The spoon clatters as she drops it inside, and she abandons it on the nightstand.]

[She's done here. But before she walks out, she leaves the note on the bed, folded only once over:] i am in gardens.

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[ There's an immediate feeling of something amiss the moment sarah enters her room. It may not be as familiar to her as Felix's loft or even the apartment that belonged to Beth, but she's gotten settled for the week or so she'd been here. There was little in her room apart from basic necessities in the first place which makes it even more glaringly obvious to notice that things have been moved around.

Or rather, strewn about if the state of the clothes she has is anything to go by. Her heart is pounding because the immediate anger she'd felt at the thought of it being one of her roommates is draining away to be filled with a familiar feeling of dread. The stray blond hairs on her jacket, the mucked about state of her room, the nearly empty bowl filled with something awfully familiar —

Her stomach twists as she thinks a single, familiar thought: Helena.

Sarah's mind is a flurry of questions and growing anger sprouting from the confusion because she'd seen Helena die. She'd watched the blood flow into a halo-like pool around the other clone ( her twin ), after she'd put the bullet in the other woman herself. It couldn't be possible.

And yet, as she's flinging her jacket back onto her bed, she spies the tiny piece of paper that's her final and most definitive clue. Scribbled is a short message without a name, but it doesn't need one for Sarah to know exactly who it is. She digs out the tablet immediately, scrolling through the names and finding exactly who she'd been worried of on the list. There isn't time for indecision. Not right now, when Helena had already decided to make the first move.

She's out the door the minute she's done sending a few key texts out, jacket pulled tight around her even though she's trying to ignore the way it feels wrongfully violated by the other clone. She's got the same gun from that night clutched tightly in her fist as she moves towards the gardens, just in case this ends up being the second round of their showdown.

Not before she got some answers though. She was determined to find out a few things before she decided what to do with Helena and with that resolution, she enters the gardens looking for the familiar head of curly hair. ]

[She's aware right away, whether by the movements in a dead garden or some instinctual thing that clicked their connection in the first place, when Sarah arrives. Helena almost smiles, but instead she hears the firing of a gun inside her head, and one of her hands digs into her pocket to pull out her knife.]

[She slips around in dying botany, light on her feet, but she rustles the leaves with each one she runs her free hand over. She's not trying to be subtle; she called her twin here, after all, and in a way, the lack of life here is kind of sad. Perhaps they are alike, that way.]

[It's been several days since arriving, but Helena's wearing the Clash tee-shirt again. Maybe as a reminder, for both of them, even if she's still not sure what to make of it. Through some flora, she spots a very familiar face and noisily trespasses through it to bring herself closer until she's in a clearing.]

I knew you would come. Sister.

Shit — don't do that. [ she's already on edge and helena suddenly appearing out of seemingly nowhere? not helping that at all. as if the other twin couldn't have picked a place more ominous seeming. the sense of death that permeates the air only remind sarah of her last encounter with helena, but for the time being, she can only stare at the clone to make sure that she's not hallucinating any of this.

everything helena did made sarah question her own self. helena was the mirror image that she'd never wanted, moreso than any of the other clones. and she was unpredictable, in some ways like sarah herself, but in other cases, where she was far more dangerous. even meeting with her alone was probably not the brightest of ideas, but she hadn't been given much choice in the matter. ]

Don't fucking do that. [ sarah's voice is more firm now and she can only think back to realizing earlier that the blond had been in her room. it's laced with anger and confusion, and she's maintaining her distance for the time being to keep from doing anything rash. not that she'd be afraid of doing certain things again. speaking of which— ]

How are you here, Helena?

[She doesn't respond at first, just sort of stands there watching Sarah carefully. The warning Sarah gives her goes in one ear and out the other, because Helena just tunes in to her twin's existence in front of her, in person. Her twin, who rescued her after Tomas locked her away. Her twin, who shot her.]

[Something dark flashes in Helena's face, and her fingers tighten a little around the knife in her hand. Did she? Did Sarah really shoot her? She should be dead if so, but here she is. Alive.]

How did any of us get here? [There's something almost-but-not-quite hostile in her tone. It's not heaven, it's not hell, it's not purgatory, it can't be any of these, and she's still trying to figure it out, a week later. But Sarah is here. Sarah came, and she needs to figure out why.] Must be miracle in my arrival, hm?

[Because - how else? If Sarah really did shoot her, how else could she be here?]

There's no such thing as miracles.

[ her grip tightens on the gun, clearly visible now that she's gotten a glimpse of helena's knife. sarah doesn't believe in anything that'd lend itself as an explanation to an unknown force and she certainly doesn't believe whatever helena's buying. if she could see kira get run over and heal without any lasting damage, she can believe that something similar must've happened to helena. maybe it was another clone thing that none of them knew about yet.

her stance remains defensive and she's ready to counter any move helena may make, but first, she can't help but take in helena's appearance. she doesn't look much different from their last meeting. in fact, if the stray bullet hole she spies is any confirmation, helena's miraculous arrival is coordinated with being right after her death. ]

Haven't you heard? There's some new group running this place now.

Perhaps you have just not witnessed any. [But there's a part of her that takes what Sarah says anyway. Because it's Sarah, it's her twin, and she's the only person left in the world that Helena thinks she can believe in.]

[Gunshot. Blood. Her grip on the knife becomes almost painful. She can't handle the memory.]

Initiative. [She says it with venom in her voice.] They want to use us. I do not want to be used.

[Wasn't that what she realized, at the very least, through meeting Sarah? That Tomas ruined her, they all did - they used her and made her what she was today. Maybe the Initiative did save her life - if she really did die - but only so they could force her into missions. It suddenly doesn't feel much different.]

I don’t need to see bullshit to know what it is.

[ that might’ve been a dangerous thing to say to Helena who’s as devout as ever, but Sarah’s got a habit of doing things before she’s got the chance to really think about them.

She can’t help but snort at Helena’s contempt at the Initiative because look, something they can finally agree on. ]

You’re telling me. All I want is to get out of this shit hole. [ pause ] Dunno about you.

[ she’s testing the waters with that last question. Without a purpose, Helena was a wildcard. What would she get up to in their new surroundings. ]

Edited (gj me forgetting part of a tag) 2013-09-29 21:00 (UTC)

[Her nostrils flare.] You do not have to see things to believe them either.

[Because how else? How else could she be here now? Sarah shot her. She hadn't believed her twin could do it, but she can see it clear as day, her hand raising, the gun firing.]

[Helena sneers, though whether it's over the Initiative again or at Sarah is a little unclear. Even to herself.] No more soldiering. [It's - not agreement, exactly, and she's not disagreeing either.]

[But if she leaves - is there anything waiting for her? The thought makes her chest ache.] But is home any better?

Guess I'm not just a big believer then. [ but helena was right in that there were so many things that had no explanation. her revival. the entire purpose for their origins. but even if it was a mystery, sarah wasn't about to go calling it anything mystical or religious. ]

Of course it is. Home is — [ maybe not for helena, but for sarah home is everything now. home is kira and felix and even mrs. s and the promise of a future that could be better for all of them. even if home is filled with secrets that they're all slowly uncovering about their origins, she'd rather be back there dealing with something that she was just starting to understand rather than be here with something that puts her back at square one. ] — it's one of the only things I've got left anymore.

[ part of her wonders why she's even admitting this to helena, but there's another that's long since given up on trying to make sense of their fucked up relationship. ]

I have noticed. [She doesn't say it with any particular maliciousness. Maybe some kind of resigned acceptance, if not disappointment.]

[Still, Helena watches her sister as she talks. Her eyes roam over their shared face, the expression as Sarah mentions home.]

[Home.]

[She gets lost in the word, it's meaning and all it stands for floating around in her head, and the ache in her chest grows bigger. There's a part of her that wants to lash out right now, throw Sarah to the ground, because she's just - so angry. And sad. And a multitude of other things she doesn't know how to handle. The fingers clutching her knife turn white at the knuckles with the grip. It hurts, too.]

[Sarah was supposed to be her home.]

[Sarah shot her.]

[Helena makes a noise that's somewhere between a sobbing choke and a furious grunt.]

I have no home. [The words are infused with a million things: blame, hurt, hostility, uncertainty. Despite that, Helena stands unnervingly still.]

[ maybe that'd been the wrong thing to say given the other clone's less than stellar upbringing. no, she takes it back, it was definitely the wrong thing to say if helena's murderous glare is anything to go by. she's seen that look before many a time and experience has taught her that it can only mean trouble.

she flinches at the sound helena makes, but catches herself quickly enough because she's tired of being weak in front of the other. she's tired of hesitating, tired of this strange energy that exists between them, tired of being defensive when all she really wants is for it to stop. helena's comment brings back sarah's own furious feelings and the flash of a vision: their birth mother lying in a pool of her own blood. ]

You had your chance. [ the reply comes with as much of a sting as she can manage because sarah's sick and tired of holding back against the ticking time bomb of helena. she'd done it once before, so there's no reason she can't again -- it takes about a split second before sarah makes up her mind and lunges at helena to try and dislodge the knife from her hands. she's not going to feel threatened anymore. ]

[It stings just like Sarah intended, and Helena's lips curl into a snarl.] My chance was stolen from me!

[By so many people, so many times. There's something painful hidden with the outward hostility of her words. She could have had a better life, ten times over. She thought she might have Sarah, have a new family, but everything just keeps being taken from her. It's not fair.]

[And then her twin lunges. It catches Helena by surprise for only a moment, but she reacts almost fluidly, sidestepping and jerking the hand with the knife away, holding it out behind her to keep it away. Her face is furious, but there's something uncertain in there, too, that keeps her from immediately lashing back. For now, at least.] Will you take this from me, too?

No, it wasn't.

[ and anger colours sarah's voice because if there's one image that she can't get out of her head, it's of amelia lying in a puddle of her own blood. if anything, it was her chance that was stolen — the one she'd dreamed about her entire life; a chance of normalcy. ]

You were the one who decided to fuck it all up.

[ she catches herself from stumbling and quickly pivots so she's facing the blonde again. her gun is a heavy weight in her hand and ever so slowly, sarah raises it so it's pointing right at helena. ]

I don't want anything except for you to stay the hell away from me.

No! [Her voice raises exponentially, and her expression fights itself between looking like it might be about to cry and complete and utter rage. One of her hands reaches to clutch at the side of her head, holding tightly onto the curls there.] They did! They all did this to me!

[Amelia did, by giving them up. Damned her to the convent. Helena might not be socialized normally, but she knows and remembers all the terrible things in her life, she knows just by looking at Sarah that things could have been different.]

[She could have had a family. A real one.]

[A last name.]

[Sarah aims the gun at her, and it's an all too familiar sight and sensation. Only instead of staring at her twin with incredulity, Helena looks to Sarah with something like expectancy. She lowers both her arms, till they hang limply at her side.]

Are you going to kill me again?

[Something in her voice catches on the word again. Like she still can't quite handle that it happened.]

[ of all the reactions she expects, a lack of resistance is not one. sarah had been bracing herself for a struggle, for some kind of fight that'd come from helena to mirror the anger in her voice.

but there's no taunting, no bullshit about their connection and sarah's arms shake, ever so slightly.

her grip tightens on the gun and for one moment, she wants to do it. yes, again - because if she'd done it once, she could do it again and this was helena of all people, who'd wanted to kill her first -

but sarah's not a killer. whatever had happened with helena last time, she can't imagine going through that again. ]

No. [ the word is spat out as she lowers her gun and turns away. ]

You were brought back for some reason, and I could care less about why. [ and then in her own defeated tone, sarah just ends with: ]

Just stay out of my way.

[Honestly, there's still a part of her that wants to resist. To struggle. To fight. To attack. Because she's so angry over it all. But she's hurt, too, and right now, she doesn't know what to do with that mix of feelings. The only kind of pain she's used to is the kind she etches into her back.]

[She watches the way Sarah's fingers twitch, and she wonders if she will die, again, a second time by her own sister's hand.]

[Only there's no bullet fired, and her twin lowers the gun. Helena cants her head slightly to the side, curls shifting with it, and there were words said, she heard them, but she doesn't pay them too deep attention.]

[Because the defeat in Sarah's tone sparks maybe a little something like hope in her, and she can't help the way she clings desperately to it. She is alive again now, and she doesn't know what that means, but Sarah said it herself. You were brought back for a reason. It doesn't matter that Sarah doesn't care why. She thinks there's a reason.]

[She takes one step forward, take a chance, then stills.] To be their soldier? Or something else?

[Is it possible she hadn't really died? Back home?] What will you do?

[ she bows her head, wanting to will away the way every part of her body feels like it's ready to fall apart at this point. she's exhausted beyond belief and strange hope she hears in helena's voice isn't really helping matters. ]

No.

[ she didn't owe the people here anything; not the initiative nor anyone else. not when she felt more of a captive than anything. she was going to get by and she was going to do her own thing — the goal was and always would be the same: to get back to kira and felix so she could finally get a stable life going for her daughter. ]

I'm not going to be anyone's anything. [ and fuck anyone if they tried. ]

[There's a relief in the no, because Helena doesn't want that either. She's tired, so tired, of being manipulated and abused and she won't do anything she's coerced into again, if she can help it.]

[And even though Sarah shot her, the fact that she didn't do it again, the fact that they're close to being on the same page - maybe she really was brought back for a reason. She just needs to find it. And if she doesn't like it, maybe she can change it. Wasn't that what Sarah showed her?]

If fighting for them is why I am here [why she was brought back] I do not care. I will not fight for them.

[She reaches out, to brush her fingers along Sarah's arm.]

[ sarah flinches instinctively, shrinking away from the fingers that reach out to her. there's a moment where she feels bad for jerking away, but her stubbornness stands in the way of her wanting to comfort helena (not anymore, not after everything), so she stays silent and keeps the distance between them. ]

You've got your chance, Helena. [ and maybe, just maybe, she could use it for the better. there was no tomas or anyone else here. ] You can do whatever you want.

[ so long as it didn't mean running into her oops ]

[In another situation, the jerking away might have set Helena off. But she's too wrapped up in what else Sarah says, all the implications that come with it, and her hand just falls idly to her side.]

[A chance. Another chance. Her body rocks briefly, back and forth, something both anxious and - excited? Is that what that feeling is?]

[You can do whatever you want. No one ever tells her that. Sarah said to stay away, but all she's doing right now is just making her want to cling a little more desperately.]

Whatever I want. [She repeats it, almost like she doesn't believe it. But the want is there, too. She wants to believe it.] Do you think so?

Yes, yes.

[ she breathes out softly. her voice softens at the last syllable because she hopes that maybe she's finally made a breakthrough to the other clone. ( and maybe it'd actually last this time ). ]

You're free to start over, Helena.

[Whatever Sarah's intention, Helena takes it all entirely at face value. She needs to. She wants to. She clings to the softness in her twin's voice and wants to reach out to touch her. Her fingers twitch with that desire, but she holds back for now.]

I want to. [She says it kind of quietly, almost like she still can't quite believe she can.]

[But she wants to start over, away from Tomas and everything he is and has done.]

[Maybe she can do something like that here. Sarah seems to believe it.]

Then do it. I won't stop you.

[ like she'd said... all she'd want was for them to leave one another alone.

sarah sighs, stepping back and shoving her hands into her pockets. if a helena is actually listening to what she's saying, then she doesn't have to worry about anything dire happening anymore. ]

[Sarah won't stop her. Sarah believes she can do it.]

[Honestly, it's the most hopeful thing she's gotten for herself since arriving, since even before that, before Sarah shot her.]

[Her face darkens for a moment over that thought, but it's easier to take the Sarah in front of her at face value. Because this Sarah seems to believe she can start over.]

[When her twin steps back, Helena doesn't react, beyond still just watching her face carefully. If there's a moment to leave without issue, now's probably it.]

[ Sarah's fully going to take advantage of the silence that follows to just continue backing away and slowly make her way out of there.

It doesn't feel right to say something when she leaves, not when she knows that it can't possibly be goodbye. there's a magnetic pull between herself and the other clone - a gravitational pull that sarah denies harder the more it pulls at her - and all she can really ask for is an interlude.

a pause to sort everything else out before she has to deal with any clone related business.

she peers at helena over her shoulder, but her gaze doesn't linger for more than a few seconds before she's flipping up her hood and ducking away. ]

[There's a part of Helena that wants to follow after her twin, but she's sort of glued where she stands in thought. It's almost too much thought right now.]

[It doesn't stop her from watching Sarah completely, almost unnervingly, as she walks away, and when her sister looks over her shoulder, Helena meets her eyes and locks on.]

[But she doesn't. She doesn't follow, she can't follow. If this is a second chance, and even if she wants Sarah to be a part of it, she needs to look at and take care of herself first.]

[And she can do that now.]

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A LAST NAME. I'M AWFUL AND STILL LAUGHING.

CRIES

w;A;w

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