exsiliumlogs | [closed] We are never ever ever

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[closed] We are never ever ever

Who: Asuka and Kaworu
What: Asuka feels like making up with Kaworu and venting about her last talk with Kaji. She goes looking for him.
Where: Apartment 1001
When: Sept. 11
Warnings: ANGST

She hadn't thought about Kaworu in a while. Her anger at him had dulled with time (she had to admit, it wasn't really his fault in the first place). Besides, it had been eclipsed by her absolutely disastrous talk with Kaji last month. She was still dealing with that particular episode in the same way she dealt with everything else: she suppressed it or stewed in it. Just like she ignored the nightmares and her mother and her memories of Tokyo-3.

It worked. Most of the time.

She'd thought that maybe Shinji would know where to find Kaworu. Despite their last encounter, Kaworu was really the only person in the city she felt like she could talk to. Well, him and Utena, but she'd vanished earlier in the month and she didn't know where she was. So that left Kaworu, even with the ugly taste of being abandoned on her tongue. She hesitates in front of the apartment for a moment and then knocks. Well, here she goes.

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"I said not to say things like that," Asuka muttered, even as she tightened her grip against his shirt. It was a strange duality that she couldn't explain and that she hated almost as much as everything else about herself. It was a cycle - she'd take comfort in affection, but later she'd simply berate herself for the weakness of indulging.

"Just... be quiet."

She'd just stay like this for a few minutes. That was all.

"Alright," he hummed. "I'm sorry." His hands went still on her shoulders and simply held her close to him.

I can't lie to myself, either. I like this too. Their state of being is so pitiable. But I can contribute. If she has to have someone to believe in, it can be me...

The minutes go by in silence. Kaworu closes his eyes, listens to her breath, and considers the feelings that sitting like this with her are giving him.

Finally, he speaks again, breaking the quiet with his quiet voice. "Let's do something."

For a few minutes she pretended that she wasn't going to hate herself later. It was almost nice. At least it seemed to calm her down a little - and she didn't have to acknowledge the outside world. At least until Kaworu spoke up again.

"...do something? Like what?"

"I don't know. What do you normally do with your friends?"

He smiled down at her casually, expecting a real answer to that question. Even after what had just happened between them a few minutes earlier.

"We haven't been able to spend time together like this for a while. I missed you. Don't leave."

"...hang out? Braid our hair? I don't know!"

She honestly had just thrown that out there as something random off of the top of her head. She scowled up at him.

"You missed me? Don't be such a sap!"

Oh. His eyes widen a bit with inspiration.

"Braid our hair?" he asks curiously. "I've never done that before. Can you even braid my hair? Is it long enough?"

He hasn't had a haircut since he got here, so... it might actually be.

Well, of course he'd take it seriously. Asuka groaned and leaned away from him, flopping onto her back. Kaworu really was a piece of work.

On the plus side, at least it was distracting her from her own miserableness.

"...yeah, I think so. They won't be very long, though. Do you really want me to braid your hair?"

"Of course."

His excitement mellows into an affectionate smile. Sliding off the couch and onto the floor, he rests his shoulders against the couch cushion and glances back at her expectantly.

"It's okay if they aren't long. I'll braid yours afterwards, too. How about that?"

Asuka looked bewildered for a moment - he wanted her to start? Then she shook her head with an exasperated sigh and a roll of her eyes. "Fine. Good lord, Nagisa..."

Well, maybe it made her feelt a little bit better. Even if this was weird. She picked herself up and plopped onto the couch behind him, "You're really weird."

She hesitated and then she reached out, fingers brushing through his hair. This felt oddly intimate and she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to go through with it. But she wasn't afraid. No, of course not. She frowned and then her fingers began to move, deftly starting a braid on one side of his head.

"No one's ever done this for you, right?

"No... never."

The intimate implications of this were lost on the angel, but he could pick up that quality to it on his own - just maybe not in that exact terminology. Kaworu could appreciate on his own how nice it felt to have someone's fingers touching his hair. Asuka seemed to be hesitating, but it just gave him more of an impression of gentleness.

"Hm. I guess my hair has actually got pretty long..." He spoke casually as she braided. "Should I cut it?"

"If you want. What am I, your fashion adviser?" Asuka rolled her eyes. Of course, she didn't stop braiding his hair, either. It was a bit calming, actually, to just work with her hands and feel his hair under her fingers. Weird, but calming.

"Guys with long hair are weird," she added a moment later, sounding a bit grudging, "Maybe you should get it cut."

"I value your opinion, that's all."

He leaned back, nudging his head against her hands.

"It's a little easier to deal with when it's short, it's true... I'm so used to having it in my face, though. It's a difficult decision to change how you present yourself to others."

Asuka rolled her eyes. She wasn't stopping though. She pulled some of his hair out of his face and began a second braid. Shhh, he'll love it.

"...I guess so. I didn't have that hard of a choice cutting my hair."

"I admire that about you." He closed his eyes and smiled to himself. "You don't bother stressing over how you present yourself to others. That takes a great amount of confidence."

It was the invisible things that Asuka was insecure about.

Asuka actually spent a lot of time worrying about others. But not really in quite the same way.

"Of course I don't, " she retorted, "It's my hair and my appearance! It's not up to anyone else!"

Of course, she was also fiercely individualistic. She started on another small braid, fingers moving automatically.

"I didn't think you would care, of all people."

Edited (spacing) 2013-09-23 04:26 (UTC)

"I care only because I know it is typical for girls your age to be unfairly obligated to worry about such things."

Kaworu might not entirely understand Lilim, but with his outsider's perspective, he can see the unfortunate world that females like Asuka have to deal with. Maybe he should be lucky that such issues of gender and sexuality don't bother him in the slightest.

"Of course, I don't think you're any less beautiful no matter what you do with your appearance."

"It's hard being a woman," Asuka agreed airily, "Men don't know how good they have it - it's not like they have to worry about looking good for everyone."

Or having their uterus rebel every month. Ugh. She didn't even want kids, why did her body have to try and insist otherwise? Then Kaworu had to go and spoil her sense of superiority by making her all flustered.

"Hey! You can't just - ugh!"

She flushed and ducked her head, giving Kaworu's hair a bit more of a tug then it really needed.

"Ow --" His shoulders winced in an upward shrug when she pulled, and he glanced back at her with a pleading smile. "What was that for?"

Reacting to compliments with violence isn't going to stop Kaworu.

"Are you getting impatient or something? I'm calmly waiting for my turn, you know."

"You know what that was for! Don't act so ignorant, Nagisa! It doesn't suit you!" Asuka harumphed and then hastily finished the braid she was working on. Why didn't violence solve more problems? It'd make her life so much easier.

"There, you've got your braids. Are you going to do mine?"

Not that she cared or anything.

This was the part he'd been looking forward to when he suggested this from the beginning. He twisted himself around to look back at her with a mysterious, sly look in his eye, before climbing back up onto the couch. Does he look good with his hair braided? Tell him he looks good.

"Yes, yes, I'll do yours. Please, sit on the floor."

Asuka wasn't sure what to think about that look. Kaworu was weird, but he wasn't dangerous most of the time. And so far, it had managed to get her mind off of Kaji. She heaved a sigh and then slid onto the floor, legs drawn up against her chest.

"I think braids suit you, you know."

"Thanks," he said playfully, earnestly pleased to hear it. Very respectfully, he reached out and ran his fingers through Asuka's hair. They snagged on a few tangles, which he gently worked out with his other hand.

"Your hair is getting long again. Do you want me to do just one braid?"

This was strangley intimate and Asuka flexed her fingers against her knees. Kaworu had a way of looking at her, of speaking to her, that seemed to tear away all of the layers and pretensions she built and expose her for the world to see.

She was still trying to decide if she liked it or not.

"Yeah, sure. One braid's fine."

"Alright."

Kaworu's never done this before, but he is capable of understanding the geometrical idea behind it to already know. After very carefully removing the clips around her twin half-tails, he smoothed out the rest of her hair and began to separate the top from the rest to form the first segment. A silence returns as he works.

Asuka fell silent as well, at least for the first few minutes. It was strange to have someone touching her hair like this. She'd never really had anyone do this. Sure, she'd had haircuts, but no one had simply sat and braided her hair or brushed it for her. It felt a bit odd, but it was a good feeling. Calming, in a way.

"Have you ever done this for anyone else?"

[closed] We are never ever ever

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