Nightmares

[kilimanjaro]

when: oct 24
location: fili and kili's room
who: fili and kili (gasp!)
summary: kili's having nightmares (who could have guessed from the title?)
warnings: discussion of death


Sleeping has become more and more difficult for Kili lately. He's always had a tendency towards nightmares, but they had calmed down considerably since Fili had appeared here. Tonight he was sleeping in his own bed, bottom bunk just beneath his brother, in the hopes that he could make it through another night without incident.

He was wrong.

It all came back to him. Blood, gasping, agony scorching through him, crippling him from the waist down. In his bed, Kili started to hyperventilate and struggle, making small sounds of distress. Please, no, not again... It was that look on Fili's face, the horror and understanding, the helplessness, that was what really destroyed Kili. He cried out in his sleep, fighting wildly.

Comments

[walkingarsenal]

Squeezing Kili's hand, Fili smiled. "Let's change that, starting tomorrow." Or rather, later today.

At home, they could have made it more interesting – the loser would buy the drinks on their next tavern visit, maybe, or wash the winner's socks for two weeks.

At home. He cut himself off there and turned to something else.

"Kili..." It was worth a try. "Have you thought about going to Celebrian?" As a healer, so Fili hoped, she might have an idea. And since she already knew that Kili sometimes suffered from nightmares, there was no reason to think that she would blame herself.

[kilimanjaro]

Kili smiled back, reassured by the promise of something a little more normal. Maybe they could fall back into a regular pattern of daily training and exercise together. Something that felt like home, only without Dwalin and Thorin barking at them.

...That could be nice, actually.

Kili's first reaction was to laugh. Celebrian's name amidst the murmured Khuzdul sounded so strange that he had to cover his mouth to smother a giggle. He recovered after a moment, adopting a more serious tone, and shook his head.

"About the nightmares? No, I couldn't. She'd...She's already guilty enough after what happened," he replied quietly. "The last thing I want is for her to find another reason to be upset about it."

[walkingarsenal]

Fili didn't realize at first that Kili was fighting back a huff of laughter. It was an odd, unexpected little noise, quickly muffled as Kili shifted. Perplexed, Fili leaned away to peer at his brother.

Whatever had caused it seemed to have passed.

His face fell as Kili answered, though he tried to hide it, counting on the darkened room to do most of the work while he rummaged through his mind for something. They couldn't keep this up with no end to it. Even if they were young and sturdy, they had to get real rest.

"I know." It came out in a quiet sigh. Maybe there was every reason to think that Celebrian would only blame herself even more, and neither of them would do that to her. "But she's someone we can trust." Who else could they turn to, here?

Fili was out of ideas. Unwilling to accept that, he didn't admit to it.

[kilimanjaro]

It was a good suggestion, and Kili knew that his brother was trying, but he just couldn't bring himself to make Celebrian feel worse, not when she was finally able to look Kili in the eye again. While she was built of sterner stuff than Kili had first thought, she was still unaccustomed to death and was hardly a warrior. He didn't want to reawaken the guilt he knew she felt at his passing.

A thought came to him, and he looked back at Fili. "Lady Galadriel is a skilled healer as well. Perhaps she could help."

If he could work himself up to ask her.

[walkingarsenal]

Kili's own idea meant renewed hope. Relieved, Fili grasped his brother's arm in a light, encouraging grip.

"You did mention her oath. It won't hurt to ask."

It would hurt if it didn't work, but they had to try.

The nagging voice that wanted to keep up its accusations – it didn't have to come to this, just think if Thorin knew – was surprisingly easy to ignore.

[kilimanjaro]

"Aye." Kili sighed a little and brought his forehead to knock lightly against Fili's again. It was a comforting gesture meant for the both of them, and Mahal, was he tired.

"I wish it would solve itself." He closed his eyes. "But after this long, I can hardly think it will." Kili let out a sigh. "I don't like asking for help."

[walkingarsenal]

Curled up like this as they'd done after past nightmares, maybe they would be granted a couple of peaceful hours.

"If you won't, I will," Fili offered. He wasn't above it, not when it would mean watching the same thing repeat itself again and again and shadows on Kili's face that didn't leave. How could he be?

[kilimanjaro]

Kili smiled gratefully at him. Of course Fili would offer... He'd always done more for Kili than he could ever repay.

"Thank you, Fili. But I think I have to do this one on my own," he replied. "And...if I can't, I'll tell you."

[walkingarsenal]

Fili's fingers closed around Kili's sleeve once more, fingertips briefly pressing into his arm as Fili gave Kili a slight nod. He understood.

"There's nothing wrong with it, don't forget that." Least of all after the time spent waiting for the nightmares to let up on their own and no luck so far. "Healers are supposed to help others."

[kilimanjaro]

"I know." He let out a sigh and leaned against his brother once more. "I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm sorry I keep you up all the time, I don't mean to."

[walkingarsenal]

Kili shouldn't have to deal with this, wouldn't have to--

Fili gripped Kili's arm again and shook him, though gently. "I thought I told you that we'll face this together." It should be a given.

After a moment's hesitation, he added, "Do we get up and get started or do we try for another few hours?"

[kilimanjaro]

The gentle shake and Fili's words brought a small smile back to Kili's face. He said nothing, through the gratitude was evident in his eyes.

Kili yawned and shrugged. "Decide for me." He was still tired, but there was always that fear that his nightmares would return.

[walkingarsenal]

Kili looked and sounded in need of that try for a few more hours of sleep, but the problem was of course how to achieve it. Fili managed to smile a little himself, bringing his hand up to poke Kili in the cheek.

"Done." The yawning settled it. "We don't want to risk sleeping on our feet."

If Kili ran into the same trouble, Fili would be close by, unlike before.

[kilimanjaro]

Kili laughed softly when Fili poked him, brushing his hand away and giving him a fond smile.

"Sounds fine by me," he agreed, and settled back down against the mattress, scooting over so that Fili had enough room to properly lie down beside him.