exsiliumlogs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Date & Time: November 22.
Location: the Observatory Deck
Characters: Riku and Lea (

promises_to_keep)
Summary: Some things need to be said.
Warnings: PG, PG-13 for language?

Can you come to the Observatory deck? I've gotta tell you something.

[ of all things, riku never quite thought this would happen. he'd... really only felt like this once before--that was why he was certain it was the same, now. he'd felt this way about ranka, but she'd disappeared after the first date. the problem here, of course, was that he knew lea wouldn't feel the same way. lea was older, efficient, and riku was... well.

he sighed, rifling through his hair. he was nervous.

he hadn't meant to let this happen, but figuring it out meant that he'd have to come clean. as much as he liked lea's companionship, he wasn't willing to operate under a lie. and maybe it's not quite a lie, but it feels wrong. arms crossed, he stares out the window, wondering what exactly he can say at this moment in time.

at least... they didn't need to be friends for riku to train him. it'd make things awkward, though, he supposed. pretty awkward. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Well that's... Wait what?]

Wait, what? [That can't be right. He twists a finger in his ear like maybe it was plugged up, then just sort of boggles at Riku a moment.] You're pullin' my leg, right? [He chuckles and glances over his shoulder like he's looking for a hidden camera or something.] Did Roxas put you up to this or something?

[Very funny; it's not even April!]

[ for a moment, riku's confused and uncomfortable. lea's... laughing? red starts rounding out his cheeks and the tips of his ears, a weight in his chest, humiliation ringing in his ears.

he kind of expected rejection, but outright laughing wasn't something he'd thought was on the horizon. ]

No.

[Okay hold the walkie; isn't this the part where Riku cracks a big stupid grin and yells 'psych' or something? Come on, he can't possibly be for real. He searches Riku's face briefly, ready to latch onto the first indication of amusement, but... there's none. There's absolutely none.

[Lea's mirth is extinguished like a smothered flame, leaving something heavy in his stomach and a squeezing sensation at the base of his spine. Riku isn't kidding.]

You're... not messing with me... are you. [It's not really a question; he can see it in his face. He swallows, then sort of backpedals, completely disoriented.] Wow, uh. I... I gotta siddown.

[And he does, right on the floor, folding up his long legs and planting his palms on his knees. Staring at the floor a moment, every gear in Lea's head turns noisily within his skull. This is just so completely out of the realm of possibility! What the hell would a person like Riku see in a person like him? He's a liar, a killer, a traitor... Lea's grateful to have been given a chance in the first place, but this is unequivocally the last thing he could have ever expected.

[He lifts one hand to press his thumb against the ridge of his eyebrow, then looks up at Riku.] I... was not expecting that. At all. Are you... sure?

[Wait, that sounds really mean. He waves his hands.]

I mean, you're... And I'm... [Dammit, that sounds even worse. Okay, one more try.] But I'm an obnoxious pain in the ass!

[ why is it that lea never reacts the way riku expects him to?

for a moment, his stomach drops, before there's a wellspring of words at the back of his tongue. ]

I'm sure. My heart doesn't change that easily. [ he shakes his head lightly, before looking elsewhere, then back at lea, steady. ]

[Because if he was predictable he wouldn't be any fun.]

Your heart... [His hand swims up to his chest and tangles in the front of his shirt, and then his gaze drifts for a moment. Jeez, he doesn't even know what to do with his heart--he just got it back and now he's getting this dropped in his lap?

[Okay, all right, quit freaking out. You've handled situations way scarier than the idea of a friend liking you as more than a friend. That sort of thing really shouldn't be scary at all! Rubbing his forehead, Lea takes a deep breath to steady his nerves a bit, then meets Riku's eye.]

I guess I just... don't quite understand. [His words are kind of halting, like he's forgotten how to pronounce them.] I have a hard time understanding why people put up with me half the time, so this just... [He makes an odd gesture, akin to an explosion pantomime with one hand near his temple. Mind. Blown.] I don't even like me that much.

[kjhdsfks Oh. He's not sure he meant to say that part.]

[ riku doesn't make eye contact, though his brows furrow. ]

Other people do.

They say you can't see your own traits, that you're your own worst critic. You're trying, and that's... a lot more than most people do, Lea.

[There's a sincerity to the words that catches Lea a little by surprise, and he runs a hand down his face, then points at the floor near him.]

Sit.

[Riku hesitates, and Lea gives him a helpless look.]

Please? [He wants to figure this out, he wants to understand, to at least come to something, but he doesn't trust his legs right now, and it's uncomfortable with Riku looming. Even if he's less looming and more just standing and being kind of tall at the same time.

[Riku finally deigns to sit down, and Lea presses his fingertips together contemplatively, elbows resting on his knees.] Trying. [He makes it sound so simple.] There's gotta be more to it than that. [He's not looking for validation or compliments; he wants to look Riku in the eye and know this isn't just a half-baked romantic ideal or something. Lea's read enough bad romance novels to know that he's a type: he's kind of mysterious and has a fairly sizable rap sheet, as it were. He doesn't think Riku's the sort to be drawn to a Bad Boy archetype any more than he himself really fits the mold at more than a glance, but he wants to know what Riku's basing this on.]

[ his brows furrow as he sits, before he thinks, looking at his interlaced hands. he's not sure how to quite put it into words, digging his nails into the gaps of his knuckles. it's hard to say it all, so he supposes he'll start at the beginning. ]

Kaneis talked to me, when you were gone. He told me about how he and Sheena worked--that, one day, I'd meet 'my own lazy jerk' who'd drive me nuts.

[ he looks up to lea, meeting his gaze, and just as quickly, looking back away. this is unnerving. why does lea want to know this? ]

I thought about you. And... I guess, at first, I didn't realize why. But, I've seen you grow here. Sure... you're right--you're obnoxious. But not all the time--that's not who you are. You're a good person. Even if you don't realize it.

[Kaneis and Sheena?] Hah! I knew they were-- [Okay, that is so not the point right now.] Wh... hey, I know I nap a lot but 'lazy jerk' is a little harsh, don't'cha think? Sheesh.

[He can't quite put a finger on why he wants to know this either, but there's something in him that can't be satisfied until he really gets an answer.]

Yeah, okay, I'm obnoxious, but I'm a decent guy. I can get behind that. I feed stray cats and rinse out my recycling and tip my waitresses, but that isn't the sort of thing you like somebody for. [He waves a hand in the direction of the housing wing.] There's plenty of good people around here. Look at Sora! He slept for a whole year, that definitely makes him lazier than I am. Though I guess I do still trump him in the jerk department.

[ frustrated; ]

Those people aren't you.

Look, I'm not expecting a reply, that's not why I'm telling you this. I couldn't keep quiet about it. It feels like lying--and... I don't lie, not without a good reason.

Whaddaya mean you're not expecting a reply? [That's just dumb.] I know how this works: you bare your soul to somebody, and they either accept it or they shoot you down! There's no option where they don't respond.

[There's a point here. He's close to it, but he just can't quite think straight. There's a bubble of purpose and circumstance welling up behind his ribs and he's trying to find words for it, but they won't come. Resume floundering.]

I'm not saying I expected you to be a liar. I'm just trying to figure out why in the hell a good guy like you would find even remotely redemptive about an ass like me. Tipping my waitress doesn't really undo all the bad stuff I did. Trying isn't always enough.

[Waiting isn't enough. Don't wait, act. Don't try, do. So why can't he just do it? Why can't he call the Keyblade? Why can't he just be a hero? And why the hell would Riku settle for anything less than that?]

[ his lips purse. ]

I've done my share of bad things, too. What you did doesn't make me feel any different. I can't tell you why I feel the way I do, just that I do.

Maybe I like people who're trying to make better people out of themselves--who're trying to move forward, and... people who keep me on track, who aren't afraid to tell me to quit being dumb.

[ but he shakes his head. he doesn't understand why lea's asking. there's so many things he likes--it's hard to pinpoint what to say. riku's always been bad at things like that, even if he's painfully earnest. ]

I'm saying you don't have to deal with rejecting it. [ a shrug. ] There's an option.

[Lea starts to indulge Riku by saying he's being dumb, but stops short at the closing argument. His voice sort of dies in his throat and he pauses, then exhales the breath he'd taken to speak. A shake of his head and an almost indignant furrow of his brow and Lea straightens his back where he sits.]

Don't put words in my mouth. You can't just put something like this on the table and then make yourself out to be the suffering martyr who's expecting to be rejected by the cold and heartless lazy jerk he's inexplicably taken with.

[ riku narrows his eyes. ]

That's not how I see you. And that's not what I'm saying. [ he growls out a sigh, raking his hands back through his hair, getting back to his feet. ]

You're, what--eight years older than me? One foot taller, with more brains and stability and--nerve, I guess, than I could ever have. I don't want to have to put you through rejecting me, and maybe feeling worse. And--

[ riku's own voice dies in his throat. he's not sure how he can explain the deep well of darkness in his chest. who would like him back, though? it's funny to even think about, a dark voice snarking at him, chuckling at the thought, laughing at his vain attempt to try and explain. he starts deflating, one hand dropping to his side, the other still in his hair as he closes his eyes. ]

Nerve? [Of everything Riku just said, that's the one thing that really catches on the ragged edges of Lea's cognitive processes, snagged like a sleeve on a fence wire. Brains he'd take, if only because he knows what he lacks in book smarts he more than makes up for in cagey resourcefulness. Stability he's not so sure of, but maybe that's relative. But nerve?]

Riku, look at me. [He can wait.] I've got a whole backlog of excuses, contingencies for my contingencies, and a trap door way out of every situation I can imagine. I've got more schemes and ideas than I know what to do with... but nerve?

I couldn't even tell my best friend the truth about where he came from, because I was scared he'd leave. I was afraid he would just run off and I'd be stuck with nobody to talk to but Saïx again. That's not nerve. When I showed up to thwart Xehanort's plan? That was gall! I was running on five quarts of Screw You and the Time Machine You Came In On and had little to no real idea what the hell I was even doing. That's not nerve.

Aa! [Hold that rebuttal, sir.]

You know what's nervy? [A pause, mostly for dramatic effect.] Bein' honest when you're expecting the worst. I couldn't do that. Not with Roxas, not with Xion... not even with Saïx.

[He reaches over and pokes Riku firmly in the chest, right over his heart.]

You just did. So I'd say the jury's still out on which of us has more nerves.

[ riku's got his rebuttal all there, too, but lea's next words startle him out of it. there comes that burst of red all over his face again, and perhaps now, it's in a different light. ]

I'm--

[ he shakes his head. ]

I've seen you change. Before I died... I didn't think you could care less about the Initiative, about this world--but after, I saw you care.

Nerve's got a few meanings. You had the nerve to open yourself up.

Edited 2013-11-23 03:47 (UTC)

Maybe. Only to a few people, really. [He rubs his arms awkwardly.] I'm... not very good at talking about myself. You have have noticed.

But as much as I'd love to just sit here and listen to you regale me about all of my shining qualities, you look like you're already cultivating an ulcer.

[Lea told a girl he liked her once, back when he was just a kid. Before Garden fell, before everything got so screwed up. It was different--he'd been a dumb kid then, hadn't really known what this sort of thing meant, didn't grasp the gravity of it. He looks at Riku a moment, and sees all of the fervor and none of the confusion he'd had all those years ago. Riku knows what he's talking about.

[Riku means this.

[Lea inhales, holds the breath a moment, then sighs quietly.]

I need... to think about this. It's been a long time since I've been able to feel a damn thing, you know? So I need to... figure out... [He kind of waves one hand back and forth between them.] whatever this is.

[His eyes are serious when he catches Riku's.]

Can you give me a little time?

[He doesn't want to just say yes, that he'll try and see how it goes. That feels like he's just doing it for a laugh or something. But he doesn't want to say no, either, which... huh. Well, he doesn't want to say no, so that's gotta be something.]

[ i only look like this because you're asking me why i like you, riku thinks sourly, rubbing his shoulder. it doesn't surprise him, what lea says, but he supposes he should've thought about this before. lea was too nice (god forbid he ever admit it) to callously reject him outright. he'll think about it and then do so.

so when he says; ] Sure.

[ it's a quiet, and peaceful answer. he expected this from the outset; what else could he say? it's just a little prolonged. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only