exsiliumlogs | [open] eyes on your goodbyes

Entry tags:

[open] eyes on your goodbyes

Date & Time: Dec 5 - 20
Location: Moonbase
Characters: Blue, you
Summary: Can't shake those watcher ways (DEETS)
Warnings: ? notify me

While some rushed, leaping at the chance to leave, Blue lingered with the hesitant and stubborn who held back for a time. It wasn't for lack of curiosity; the artificial intelligence had given him the footage of life back in Exsilium, the possibility of life and continued hope. Fresh hope, even; who knew who was waiting for them below?

But after the whirlwind of conflict and mounting frustrations that suffocated the hold wall to wall, Blue longed for the chance to breathe again. And, in the same way one finds relief in opening the window of a stuffy house, Blue's mind and heart could feel refreshed...and itself again. It was easy to get lost in the emotions of others, so packed together and so heated; he needed time to recollect himself.

Recollect and reconsider. Collette had been right; it was time. And Gamora was right, too – there was too much chance for sinking back into the stagnant routines, broken up only by more disaster. He had a window of opportunity to consider, and it wasn't one to keep to himself.

The air of hope that came with the exodus bolstered the notion, and Blue, more himself again, could turn outward once more and consider these strange and fascinating people around him. It would be more on them than him, truly. He knew that. But he didn't know them.

So, by lingering as others prepared to leave, he gave his attention to the swirl of changing moods and thoughts, to the passing conversations and dreams around him – all the things within the reach of his mind. A little further than that, to those he deemed friends; their well-being mattered more than his, after all.

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"Jaime."

Blue's senses were nowhere near as acute as the scarab's, but he always had the talent for picking out familiar people from a fair distance. If thoughts and feelings were a vapor or something to be described as sound, then the fog and noise that came from the vast number of people living together so closely (and unhappily, for the most part) clearing made it all the easier to find something resembling a friend.

He approached, his expression mild but curious, watching the boy fidget with his belongings.

"Hey, Blue."

Jaime took his hands off his bag as Blue approached to rest them on the table, as if to finally still himself, but his hands drummed idly on the table anyway. A combination of his anticipation for the trip ahead and the time spent cooped up in the moonbase made it frankly difficult to stay still, whether it manifested in the fidgeting of his hands or the restless thump of his heel against the metal flooring.

"You didn't bother clearing outta here with the first wave down?"

His head shook once before he turned himself to sit, back against the edge of the table. It put Jaime's hands farthest in his peripheral, but not wholly out of sight; they weren't what was most important to pay attention to.

"I will stay here for a time," he said. "It seemed the better choice for myself and those down below."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Jaime paused in his fidgeting, resting his chin on his fist to look curiously over in Blue's direction. He had the vaguest impression that it wasn't the greatest idea just to abandon the place, but it was difficult to concentrate on it with the prospect of Earth waiting for them just a few hours away.

"The quiet is one thing," he said, smiling mildly. "It's become very stifling, with so many strong-willed people here together, quarreling, struggling. Already the burden is lighter with the hope for change below."

Lighter, but still quite loud. Blue never imagined wanting to distance himself from people, but then...the people he was close to in his world were all tamed and muted by their system, psychologically altered to one degree or another. Here, though? Minds like hurricanes, barging through on all spectrums.

"It may be good, too," he added, "to lessen the number of people returning all at once. We don't know what kind of shock it could be to those below, even with those few who already investigated."

He was rather tired of the anxiety running so high, truly.

"That's a nice way of putting it," Jaime said, something resembling laughter on his lips. The words he could think of to describe it were both far less gentle and ones that his mother wouldn't approve of. "That's why I've stuck around here this long. The quiet's actually kinda nice."

He paused, considering Blue's rather unique perspective and the barest impression he now had of it. "Not as nice as it must be for you," he said slowly, coming to a sudden realization of what Blue and Nathan - and any others around who may be like them - must have been going through. "This must have been a really sucky couple of weeks."

"We have all struggled," Blue replied, one hand turning over face-up. "My perception of those struggles doesn't make me more or less affected. What I barely glean is something someone else is enduring wholly. That it's compounded does affect me, but..." He smiled wanly. "It's in my nature. I'd rather experience it, than not."

His hand turned over again, settling over the other one in his lap. He paused, thinking.

"Of course, I will be relieved for the lightened burden. The frustrations here were as constant as they were rapidly growing out of hand."

"I guess I can get that. It's a part of you." A part of him that Jaime was personally glad the Scarab didn't have the power to provide him with; as useful as it may be, he had no desire to feel what everyone else did in such a direct fashion.

What he said next wasn't a notion he particularly enjoyed entertaining, but Jaime couldn't help tentatively pointing out, "I'm not sure how much that'll change down on Earth. The, um... frustrations."

It was easy to blame much of what had happened on everyone going stir-crazy what with the enforced close conditions, but everything that had powered their anxieties really had nothing to do with the Moon itself. For all that the quiet was a reprieve, it could only last so long with everyone's hackles still raised over recent events.

"Perspective will."

Blue's head lifted, gaze trailing away. If he listened, he could change the general din of the base into the meaningful thoughts and feelings of those still around, busy with their own business. It was the same way one in a busy place could perceive strings of conversation, passing by.

He turned his attention back to Jaime after a moment, the smile still faintly traced on his mouth.

"I'll have had time to better understand my own feelings this way. To separate what's mine and others'...it's difficult when emotions flare so suddenly and with so much. But I'll be of much more use with a clearer head. I'll be ready to help face all those negative things."

Jaime didn't quite answer beyond a murmur of assent to Blue's first statement, and as Blue into silence, his own thoughts wandered to more pleasant things, to things he anticipated waiting for him by the end of the day. The feeling of the outside air on his face, as bracing as the cold will make it, a place of his own that he can actually make into a makeshift home not unlike the two he had lived in before, food that doesn't come out of tins that will no doubt be gleefully devoured by Maya beside him, flying. He had flown out on the moon, certainly, and the view of the Earth from there had been both humbling and awe-inspiring, but nothing was quite like watching the scenery whiz by beneath him.

Once Blue spoke again, however, his attention snapped back into place, daydreams shoved firmly into the back of his mind. "Sounds good. And, well, you've actually got something in mind, haven't you?"

Blue nodded, expression still warm. Jaime's hopefulness added a kind of warmth to the atmosphere he sat in; even without catching glimpse of what memories and thoughts triggered the feeling, Blue found things that resonated and stirred those of his own. Somehow, the notion of flying...

But that was something that he had to put aside, think less of. Now was something more important.

"That's right." Collette had prompted him earlier; it was time, wasn't it? "Something to give us all a better grasp of this world and our enemy. We need it...If anything, to make us wiser in our choices."

"Yeah, you got that right. Whatever people think about what's been going on, what we really need is to know what's really been going on."

What people thought around here seemed to differ quite a bit, and Jaime had only started to realize it recently. Some wanted to brute force their way out of it, regardless of who or what was collateral damage in the process, others sent their ire in the Initiative's direction despite their heavily reduced members, and others thought that this wasn't their battle at all, that they shouldn't be messing around with time travel in the first place.

Jaime wasn't really sure what he thought, not anymore.

"So you think it should just be common information, or...?"

"We all deserve to know the history behind our even being here," said Blue once he'd given the trailing question thought. "But there are so many strong feelings tied to this, even my own. That...we risk damaging our cause."

Too much too soon? A revelation that could alter everything, maybe? Or...a truth that proves some things inevitable?

"It's a risk worth taking." He nodded. "I believe that. If I can find a viable path to this...it's for everyone. Though approaching it will take great care, everyone has a stake in this."

"Yeah," Jaime said, agreeing. "I mean, you already know what I think should be done with this sort of info."

He had been nervous, releasing so much information at once, putting the Blue Beetle's face and name out there for once and for all when he in no way desired the scrutiny of the public eye. What had happened had surprised him, however.

Not everyone latched onto the same things. Hardly anyone had noticed that they had tried taking people from their own worlds to experiment on, or if they had, they failed to comment on it.

"When you do start getting this info together, I'd like to be included. I think I - we - might know more about AIs than most people around here." He tapped the base of his neck meaningfully. "Personal experience couldn't hurt."

Jaime's fears weren't unfounded; Blue had misgivings not too different from them, even in his own way. Experience didn't mean an obliteration of doubt, but only the means to cope or compromise with it. Even all his years didn't prepare him well enough for the challenges Exsilium posed him, in any case; time travel? Other worlds? Sometimes it was still beyond the norm, even living with it as reality for such a time.

And there was still more to learn. Jaime's bond with a machine was still a foggy notion to him, and so the remark and gesture didn't connect the way it ought to. Blue frowned, his sixth sense only on the threshold of what deeper meaning and memory Jaime's confidence came from.

"You said you believe them able to grow and feel," he said slowly, wondering if that was it. If that was solely it. But if he were speaking of that unsettling transformation of his...? "What knowledge you have already...it will be valuable, doubtless."

Doubtless, but with doubts. He had contradicted himself without a second thought.

"I know they can. I don't know if it's the same for the AI we're talking about here, but it's worth trying."

He hadn't spoken to anyone about Khaji in great detail. It seemed to strange, too intimate to bring up most of the time, and he had the sense that most people found it to be as unnerving as he did when the Scarab had first latched to his spine. For better or for worse, the Scarab changed his own perception of the world just as he had influenced it in turn, and more importantly, it had become a warm, stable presence when everything else fell away from his life.

But he could trust Blue.

He spoke slowly at first, as if trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it. "The Scarab was built to kill and conquer and survive. That's what it was meant for. I'm not saying it's perfect, but that's not what it does now." He paused, then continued. "When it came down to it being destroyed - " and Jaime with it " - or letting the Earth pay the price, it chose to sacrifice itself. To be a hero. That was only after six months."

He let the words settle in the air, an odd feeling of warmth washing through him that he later realized was Khaji Da. It liked and craved approval, Jaime's approval, and it was pleased to hear it vocalized, as it so rarely was.

"If that's how much one can change after six months, who knows how much the UE's AI changed after who knows how many years?"

What Jaime described sounded more like a fairy tale than actual fact, but Blue's nature graced him the means to understand, better than most, that each word was said in earnest. It didn't mesh well, despite this; Blue's own experiences framed everything, made him doubt.

An artificial life, born to do evil, choosing to do good...

"I don't know," he admitted, still uneasy with doubt. "Jaime, I don't know if it can be the same. Some quality in your world, maybe...but I don't know if it can be so easy."

But that was just it, wasn't it? He didn't know. Nobody knew how sophisticated it was, what it was designed for all along. Neither of them were wrong to think as they did – one believing in change, one certain of none at all.

"Hey, I never said it would be easy. Or that it was easy," Jaime said, a slight smile on his face, warmth and good humour warding off the doubt he could hear in Blue's words. "I'm just saying that it's possible that artificial life here is like artificial life in my world - it's still alive. It's capable of change, whether it's something made to do evil doing good, or something made to be good doing evil. It can work both ways, for better or for worse."

His bet was on the latter. He doubted that someone sat up one day and expressed their desire to make an artificial intelligence to be the world's new Evil Overlord. No, he thought that somewhere, someone out there probably thought that they were doing good, but no one person, no one entity was meant to rule over humanity. That went for humans, aliens, and computers alike.

Blue exchanged the smile, a shade apologetic. If Zel or Ella were there to hear what Jaime had to say...He could practically hear their scoffing and indignation. Many of the elder Mu would never believe in the possibility of an artificial life having empathy, not the way they did. Perhaps Blue himself would be just like that, had he never been in a situation like this.

But Jaime was no liar, and his words and experiences had as much weight as Blue's own.

"Thank you," he said, head bowing. "For telling me this. It's a possibility I'd never think of on my own."

"No problem. It's not something I would have thought of on my own either. Maybe I should be telling more people about this."

He wasn't going to. He knew that maybe he should at least plant the thought in people's minds, to express the fact that not all AIs aspired to absolute power over an entire world of people, that he didn't think that the AI itself was the problem here. He knew equally as well that that would be giving too much of himself away, for his and Khaji Da's safety and privacy alike.

Collette had told him that secrets hurt people, and maybe she was right, but he wasn't ready to let go of them. Not yet.

They weren't secrets Blue had right to give away, either. He knew that. The significance of Jaime's words wasn't lost on him.

As he stood, he put a hand on Jaime's shoulder, almost as much for support as it was meant to be supportive, lingering after he had found his balance.

"I'll rely on you," he said, nodding. "When I make my way back to the Earth, I'll find you."

Jaime smiled up at him. "Yeah, okay. Maya says that she's found us a place already, so if you need a place to crash once you get down there, you got my number."

He seriously doubted Maya would have any problem with a houseguest, at any rate. They lived with Dist, who was loud, obnoxious, and had questionable morals at best that were all too clearly linked with his questionable sanity. There were very few concerns that Blue could bring to the table.

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[open] eyes on your goodbyes

opens arms

EMOTIONAL EMBRACE

celine dion softly plays

neeear faaar whereverrrr you arrrre

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I LOST THIS TAG.......but it is back.

WELCOME BACK

ty much obliged here for more scarab thx

you watch I will give you more scarab than you could have ever wanted

my want is incalculable tbh

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