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Date & Time: backdated to march 6th, evening.
Location: starts at sam's apartment.
Characters: sam & dean winchester.
Summary: winchesters have a tendency to be stupid and then regretting it. this is the regretting part.
Warnings: language possibly.

[ it's thanks to cas that dean stands behind sam's door. thanks to cas that he'd finally sort of understood that his approach to sam's presence in exsilium, his need to keep his brother safe hasn't been the right one. he still.... wishes he could do what he wants, keep sam away from it all and that would be it, not headbutting from his brother.

but nothing is ever that easy. and dean.... he should damn well know that by now.

the knock is quiet but there. dean doesn't know much about sam's roommates (another glaring sign he's fucked this up. he doesn't know much about sam's time here at all) but he hopes he can save a meeting with them for some other time. ]

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Yeah, one.

[This is awkward and he's not used to awkward with Dean. He doesn't like it.]

What changed your mind?

[ awkward is...awkward. dean glances down for a minute, huffing a strained, amused sound. ]

Every now and then Cas manages to say something smart. [ and then back at sam; ] He kinda got me thinking about what I was askin' of you.

Seems to me like he says those sort of things a lot.

[Yeah he likes him already, not even just because he's an angel.]

So what are you thinking?

[All business with him today. Sam just can't take getting his hopes up to be disappointed again, he feels like that just might be the last straw; he's hanging by a thread as it is.]

[ later, he'll ask exactly when've the two of them been talking but for now this is more important. there's a bit of silence before he finds his words. ]

Just- you're with me in this, all the way, Sam. What I know, you know, and we try to figure this whole Exsilium mess out together.

You, me, Cas... We're all we've got, y'know? [ he sort of hates being this honest, but it's a must right now. ]

Yeah, I do know. I've been waiting for you to figure that out.

[The anger starts to melt away now though, it's too exhausting, to be angry at Dean. Especially since he's absolutely right - they are all they've got. Yeah he can make all the new friends in the world, but none of them would ever even begin to compare, would never even begin to give him what he needs.

He needs his brother.]

Better late than never, welcome back. [A small smile makes its way to his face despite everything - God, he's missed Dean. Almost as an afterthought, he adds - ] Jerk.

Edited (I had to ok. sue me. ) 2013-03-08 13:04 (UTC)

[ it's the welcome back that sets things right again, it sounds right. this was definitely the right thing to do, and he'll have to thank cas later for finally making him see things differently enough. they're probably gonna fight more often than not, not to mention all the things that still lie unknown between them, things dean's seen and done over the years, but for now this is good.

good, but man, he hasn't heard that last word in ages. not in the context it's being thrown at him right now anyway. it catches him more than a little off-guard, leaves him blinking at sam for a minute-

and then, oh right; ] Bitch.

[ it's not only people they've lost over the years, but stupid habits like that, too, it seems. ]

[It's amazing how one word can bring a genuine smile to his face. He pats Dean's arm.]

So. Where do we start?

[Already everything seems better, easier. At least he's not alone through all of this. True, Dean can -- and probably will -- let him down again. But it's a start, a real start.

He owes Cas.]

[ where to start, where to start. ]

Is there... [ ughghhg. ] Is there anything you wanna know, or ask? Or whatever? [ since he'll try to be...as honest about things as he can. ]

As for our actual mess here...

I'd say we should storm into the Initiative HQ and kick ass for answers, but been there, tried that. You can probably guess it didn't end too well. [ he and cas had tried, way back when they'd first arrived here. needless to say it all just.... ended with them empty handed and even more frustrated. ]

I don't know what else there's to do but try and help 'em kick this war in the butt so that we can go home.

[We can go home. But there's no home for him to go to, is there? His smile slides right off his face, and he nods quietly, unsure of how to take any of this. He wouldn't want to go to a home in which Dean is dead. So why does Dean?]

I think Cas...clarified the most important bits for now. We can save the Q&A for later, unless there's something I need to know that you've been keeping from me?

[He stops to wait for a reply to that. It's sad to think that he even needs to ask.]

[ right, sam had been talking to cas. ]

How about you tell me what Cas told you? That way I don't go repeating things you already know about. [ all things considered though, if cas had told sam about the worst of it... wouldn't his brother be freaking out? something seems a little off here. ]

He uh, told me I averted the apocalypse. Which you know, totally explains your trust issues - who wants a screw up like that on his team.

[He quirks an eyebrow, trying to lighten the mood. Because Cas also told him that it cost him his life. And yeah, that would explain why Dean would want to keep him away from anything.]

He told me the two of you have been talking about training me.

[ oh. they got that far, huh? but the apocalypse is one thing, something already cleared up to a degree what with sam back alive and all...

granted there had been that whole hassle with his soul. but still. ]

Screw up? How does saving the world make you a screw up, dude? [ no, seriously, what is he not getting here?

and yeah, sure, but he wants to hear about this right now. ]

...dude. Joke.

[He used to got those. But then again, he supposes he wouldn't find the humor in anything involving Dean dying.]

No...but really. He...told me...what it took to stop it. I get it, I'd be damn protective of you too.

[And suddenly the feelings he's been pushing down overwhelm him. He's dead and Dean had to go on without him. The thought of losing his brother scares him more than anything -- though he would be lying if he said his own imminent death doesn't scare the crap out of him too.

And the next thing he knows, his arms wrap themselves around his brother.]

[ dean actually looks surprised at that, the thought that it was a joke not having crossed his mind. it's hard to joke about something like the apocalypse when there had been nothing funny about it.

double the surprise when sam steps closer, though it's not the hug that has him asking; ]

Wait, he told you 'bout how it ended? Details and all?

[ sam's sacrifice and everything? ]

[His eyes closing slowly and painfully as he thinks back of their conversation -- it was not quick ringing loudly in his ears -- he decides it's his turn to protect his brother. Dean doesn't need to know that he knows.]

He gave me the general idea. [He's dead and gone. And this is his chance at life - a warzone. God. What has he ever done to deserve this? He still doesn't let go of Dean; as much as he tries to be strong about this...he just can't.]

[ general idea, right. dean just...squirms a little, stepping back from sam. ]

So you know things're okay, right? I mean, as okay as they can ever be. [ cas raised sam, forgetting his soul which they'd managed to restore. and as shitty as things were back home, they were both alive. that's something, right? ]

[At that, Sam looks downright confused, and hurt. Things're okay? How can Dean say that? How can Dean of all people say that? How can things be okay when he's dead? When he's dead and it wasn't even quick?]

I know I'm dead. [He doesn't even know how he manages to say those words, it's like another person took over his body again. His arms slink back down to rest beside his body and nothing seems real anymore.

God please don't let him pass out again.]

[ dean blinks at his brother- and so much for getting the general idea. well done, cas. he's quick to step closer again then, hands out to steady his brother by the shoulders as he tries to catch his eyes. ]

Hey, no, no- you're not, Sam. Yeah, you died, but Cas got you back. [ without a soul, so you were a real dick. but that's been fixed too, somewhat. ]

You're okay.

[It takes a moment for the meaning of these words to actually sink in. Cas got you back. You're okay. Every bit of his energy has focused on trying to deal with his own death, and suddenly it's like all that tension finally leaves his body.

His legs feel shaky again, and God, no, he's not passing out in front of Dean. Instead, he pulls away and takes a seat, trying to focus on a coherent thought - any thought.]

How -- why? [What makes him so special? Why does he get to come back, and not Jess? Not their mom?]

[ sam isn't looking too hot, so dean doesn't waste any time with his words, not if it means soothing some of that obvious pain from his brother. ]

Angels can, uh, they can raise a soul from Hell, or I guess bring one back from Heaven, too. That's what he did. [ a beat. ] And 'cause he could, is why, I think. It's a long story. [ a long story that involves him thinking back to trapping cas in a ring of holy fire, to finding out just how much and for how long the angel had been working with a demon. there are no nice details involved in that whole mess. ]

You guess? [A new dimension of horror he never even considered is added with this. All the color drains from his face.]

Dean..was I in hell?

[His one comfort was getting to join Jess in heaven.]

[ dean huffs, it's more frustrated with himself than sam though. don't pick on his words!!! ]

I know. [ and no, don't ask that. dean clearly hesitates there, worry flashing over his face because nobody wants to hear that it's after death than things get horrible. but he'd promised to include sam, and this was bound to come up sooner or later.

there's barely a nod. ]

Yeah, Sam. [ pause. ] But you knew that's where you were headin', you made the choice when you decided to stop Lucifer.

[This can't be happening. Every conversation he has just makes things worse and worse. First they tell him he's dead, then that it wasn't quick. Now that he's gone to hell. What's next? He's as ok as can be Dean said. Does that mean he's insane? Drooling in some mental hospital, wearing a diaper and screaming his lungs out? Is that the future he's supposed to work to come home to, work to save?

It's not fair. He doesn't care that it's an immature thought. It's not. Fair. He's given so much already - him, dad, Dean - they dedicated their lives. He lost Jess to this fight. And now he must also lose himself?

Hell. He's always tried to do his best, to be a good person and this is the reward God set out for him? Hell?

Now it all made sense, why Dean freaked out so badly when he found out about the devil. Heck, he'd have a meltdown in his brother's shoes.

He's not sure he's not having a meltdown right now.

What were the signs for a heartattack again? His left arm is supposed to hurt, doesn't it? Does it hurt? He can't tell. He reaches for it, trying to squeeze it, to get some sort of a reaction, but he senses nothing. His whole body seemed to have gone numb.

When he finally looks up at his brother, he looks more like the 12 year old he turned into not too long ago, the one who looked up to his brother and counted on him to make everything right. The one who believed in him as a child does in a superhero.]

At least tell me it was worth it.

[ there are so many things that happen between where sam was from to dean's last memories of home, so many years of steady falling on the fair scale, to their life becoming such shit. but dean doesn't want to go into detail, not when it isn't needed.

and he knows he needs to give sam room there, to let it sink in.

at least tell me it was worth it. ]

Nothing's worth you losing your life, Sam. [ his voice is quiet, even as he continues. ] But you did save the world.

[Oddly enough, there's something uplifting about what Dean is saying. In all this pain he finally sees his brother, the one who would rather watch the world burn than his little brother suffering. Or dying.

What it must have done to Dean.]

Guess if I was gonna die anyway might as well make it count, right?

[ what it did to him is a topic for another day, right now dean goes for a smile, though it's not quite there. ]

And you made it count good, Sam. [ despite the sadness, the year with lisa that he'd wasted wishing he could do something to bring sam back-- dean had been proud of his brother, so very, very proud. ]

That, and you did come back. I'm not sayin' any of it was easy, or that things are the same as before it-- but you're alive, which is all that matters. Everything else can be worked on.

[A part of him wants to ask, but a bigger part of him shuts it up. He can't handle any more truth, not right now. He doesn't want to know how crazy he is. He never thought his life as it is now would seem good, and yet.]

Good. Bet dad still had criticism though.

[Cuz that would lighten the mood, right?]

[ dean snorts quietly at that. ]

Dad can shove his opinions. [ seriously. ] But no, Sam, he'd be proud, and you know it. [ he had been, when they'd found him-- always had been. there might not be any convincing sam, but dean knows it. and whenever they get sam back home, he'll come to see it for himself. ]

[He'd be. He's afraid to ask. After everything he's already learned -- he doesn't want to know.]

Wait hold on -- lemme get my camera -- and you can say that again, I wanna save it for posterity.

[Dean saying dad can shove anything -- it's amazing, how much the little things can help. One little thing after another, and maybe one day he could breathe again.]

[ have an eye roll, sammy. he's still smiling though. ]

Careful, he'd find a way to get himself over here to kick my ass. [ or the initiative could just, you know, zap him here again. ]

Nah, he'd just kick mine.

[He likes Dean too much, or so Sam sees him at least. He'd blame him for being a bad influence on his brother, probably. How would he take hearing his shameful failure of a son saved the world?

Only in their family could he be the black sheep for going to college. The bitterness almost seems absurd, compared to the pain of everything else. But it's familiar, it's something he can understand and deal with. So he focuses on it.]

[ dean snorts. there's no doubt he'd kick both their asses, if you ask him.

after a beat though, a more serious expression fills his face again. ]

So you okay, man? I know it's a lot to learn and all, and not something fun to look forward to, but... in the end, things're fairly okay.

[Is he okay? No. Absolutely not. He feels sick to his stomach, he's terrified, he's furious, he's a million different things he's still too numb to feel. Okay? Not one of them.

But Dean only now put any sort of faith in him. What will happen if he told the truth? Dean will never trust him. He'll go back to treating him like the mental patient he'll become.]

I'll be okay.

[He doubts it, but you never let it show, not in this family.]

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yes, you are.

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yes. l:<

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