exsiliumlogs | When I get older, I will be stronger [Open]

Date and Time: Afternoon of March 22nd
Location: The Training Room
Characters: Asuka, Open
Summary: Asuka kicks a ~~football~~ soccer ball around for no particular reason.
Warnings: None (yet).

Ever since her conversation with Utena about sports and possibly starting something it had been hovering at the forefront of her mind. Then it had turned from a random idea into a reality after she'd discovered a somewhat battered soccer ball in one of the stores in the market. Sure, it had cost a bit, but it was worth it - it gave her something to do. Even indoors. And surely the Initiative wouldn't complain too much about her using the open space for something physical, right?

Besides, if they did, Asuka wasn't going to listen anyway.

She bounced the ball off of the floor idly. The room was mostly empty right now, so it seemed as good a time as any to give this a shot. She dribbled the ball across the room, then back and gave it a little chip with her toes, sending the ball spinning into the air. She ducked under it and gave it a bump with her head. She'd intended to send it up again, but it knocked off at an awkward angle.

"Hey! Heads up!"

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Kaworu keeps his smile, waiting another moment for her response, but when her eyes focus on something beyond him it quickly becomes clear that something is wrong. He'd forgotten about his weapon and its possible significance to her.

"Soryu-san?" he says, a little confused. Finally, he turns to follow her gaze, and he realizes she's staring at his weapon - a long, heavy blade gripped at the middle. He'd picked it for its familiarity.

This is going to be a problem. He turned back to her, keeping up his air of calm.

"......Asuka."

"...why do you have that?"

The words tumble out of her mouth. Her words are running together. She doesn't want to think about that fight or the last five minutes of her life back in Tokyo-3. She doesn't want to think about her death, but all of the memories and the fear and the hatred come back to her. She lets the soccer ball roll free, hands clenching and unlenching as she finally shifts her wide-eyed stare back to Kaworu. The fact that he might not know doesn't occur to her.

"Why do you have that thing, Nagisa?"

"The Initiative asked us to pick a weapon when we got here."

A simple, true explanation, but of course, that's not the heart of it. The football meanders towards him, and he takes a few steps so he can pick it up idly. It's an excuse not to play into her steel-cold stare. The happy prospect of just hanging out together has passed them by now, but if that had to be so, he'll be her anchor again.

"You recognize it."

Asuka swallows hard to try and get rid of the lump in her throat. She hates that she's not in control of her own emotions. She hates that just seeing something that reminds her of that day makes her want to curl into a ball and cry. She holds it all in check for a little while longer and takes a deep breath instead.

"...that's the kind of weapon the Mass Production series used."

She doesn't know how much Nagisa knows about her death. But he was supposedly dead at the time, so maybe he won't understand.

Kaworu turns the ball in his hands thoughtfully, wondering how he ought to deal with this. If Asuka doesn't continue to insist for further explanation as to why he has that weapon, it's probably best that he not offer it. At the same time, she could start to understand what he meant when he asked for her to forgive him. Although Kaworu doesn't know the details of what happened after his death, he had a fairly good idea of what must have occurred, between what he already knew about Seele and what Asuka had mentioned here and there.

Kaworu knew now that Eva series had always existed for the purposes of starting Instrumentality. He underwent simulation training with a similar weapon just to supply adequate dummy plugs for them. If Asuka recognized the blade, it means she saw those Evas first hand. His Evas.

"They were deployed by Seele when NERV was attacked," he said calmly. It's an ambiguous statement; both a request for her confirmation and an acknowledgement that it likely happened.

Does he know? His answer doesn't betray anything and she doesn't like that at all. The idea that he might disturbs her for some reason. It isn't like he hasn't already seen her vulnerable and hurting, but she hasn't discussed her death with anyone, really. Aside from a few mentions of it, it's been something she's buried inside of her and refused to let out. Working through those memories is painful.

"That's right," she replies, voice trembling slightly. She's trying to keep herself together and she's not sure if it's working or not. She lets the silence build before she adds quietly, "...I fought them, you know."

Edited 2013-03-25 17:23 (UTC)

"Is that how you died?"

There's no use pretending he didn't know what she was thinking. It kept the focus off why he had that weapon, anyway. During Asuka's quiet hesitation, he walked over to her, ball in hands, and stopped just a few feet away.

"It pains you." Offering a futile smile, he holds the ball back out to her. "I didn't mean to make you remember like this. I'm sorry."

"Yes."

The answer comes out quieter than she would've liked. She swallows thickly once more and then reaches out to take the ball when he offers it to her. She's trying to ignore the fact that she's trembling (just a bit) and how much she hates herself for admitting that to him.

"I'm fine," she snaps as he goes on. It's an instinctive reaction as she tries to fight back against all of the feelings of inadequacy (if you were stronger, you could fight through this) that seem to weigh her down.

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

Even if she does sound a bit shrill.

Although she takes the ball, he doesn't remove his hands from it. She's just trying to cover up her anguish again. And she fails so miserably to keep it from Kaworu. Hands shaking, eyes unfocused, snappy short responses. To an untrained eye she was rude, to Kaworu, she was miserable.

"You are," he says with a small nod. How much more conversation should be encourage on this topic? He doesn't want to make her more unhappy, but he doesn't want her to think he doesn't care, either. "But it's something no one could blame you for being upset about. It's different from the rest."

Ugh. She hates how he always manages to see right through her. It makes her feel hideously exposed. At the same time, it's what she wants. She wants someone to see through her misanthropy and hatred and misery and rescue her. She wants someone else to reach out to her and he's doing just that. Even if every little voice in her head is telling her she's a miserable failure for wanting that. Her shoulders hunch and her gaze slides away. Her voice comes out small and it's meant only for him.

"...they killed me."

"I know."

His voice was equally small. The training was a large, open space, but hardly built for acoustics. It's easy to keep their words between them.

"Have you not told anyone?"

Asuka gives the smallest shake of her head, "...No. Not really."

She's made vague allusions but never told anyone the details. Just talking about it like this is hard enough. Her fingers tighten against the ball and her shoulders seem to hunch a little bit more. She's tense and it's starting to show.

"If you ever want to tell someone, I'll listen."

His hands slide across the surface of the ball and he rests his fingertips on top of hers, trying to comfort her. Kaworu won't make her talk, but he wants her to know he's willing to be there.

"Or, we could play some more." He smiles again. There's no doubt she'll have to confront what happened to her if she doesn't want it to control her like this. But that doesn't have to be today. "If that helps, we can do that, too."

There's a moment of flickering indecision in her eyes and then she finally snatches the ball back against her chest. She can't meet his gaze and she hates herself for it. She takes one deep breath and then another. Her voice is still strained when she finally speaks, "...let's just kick the ball around."

She's not ready to talk about that. Not yet.

When I get older, I will be stronger [Open]

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