exsiliumlogs | only this moment holds us together;

[Zevran is suddenly quite frightened that his hands might be shaking. Bare hands touching bare hands feels too close now, too intimate. It is a struggle to remain impassive. Hope gleams in his heart for a single, bright moment, but he crushes it beneath his own heel: she does not mean it like that, she cannot.]

I care for you as well. It... has not always been easy for me to accept, but I believe I understand that you have always been sincere regarding our friendship. Our trust is not one that needs to be spoken.

[Her eyes meet his briefly, gaze uncertain, and she holds herself there as she begins to realize he's misunderstood her. Her mouth opens and then closes again, her control clamping down. Leave it. There's nothing to be done. It would be easier, perhaps, to simply nod and be on her way.

But she came here for a reason. Too much has been unsaid; if he disappears tomorrow, she'll continue to regret what might have been for years to come. And she has enough of those.

Elissa pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, a habit she's forced herself out of that's slipped back into her mannerisms.]

No, you...misunderstand me. I'm not talking about friendship.

[She slips her hand out of his, too afraid that if he catches her meaning he might turn away first before she finishes.]

I care for you. Beyond our friendship. I'm-- [It shouldn't be this hard, dammit.] I have feelings for you. I...I think I've fallen for you.

[The worst thing of all is for an assassin to be caught off guard. And yet this is precisely what happens to Zevran. He makes a small noise as if he's been struck. It feels as if he's been struck: he is reeling. He cannot remember reeling like this since he was a child, since the first time a Master cracked him on the head and showed him another little boy bled out into the dirt of the training yard, this is what happens when you are not careful, this is what happens when you feel instead of act.

It is ridiculous. The panic sets in, the room is spinning. Zevran grips the bedpost. Had he not felt something similar, being led home drunk and miserable by his dear friend Elissa? Had he not realized he fell for her months ago?]

You really need some practice with those lines, Elissa, if you intend to win me over. I could coach you, perhaps, if you wish to learn romantic language.

[A very poor joke. Zevran hates himself for it, but he must create distance between himself and this reality, he fears if he does not he will fall into a black chasm, he will die, he will lose everything that makes him who he is.

Crows love nothing but the kill, and that is who he is. That is why he does not mourn Taliesin.]

I must assume that is what you want, some practice for some other man. It cannot be me.

You would not be so cruel as that.

[Zevran sees his hand gripping the bed post. It's a square-shaped, metal thing, and he can very nearly bed it. He can feel the metal threatening to give, but it may cut his palm first.]

For I could not believe you would make some joke of me, that you would say things, having observed my own affection for you, that you would dare give me reason to hope when you have said we part ways later...

[Zevran's voice is tremulous. He scarcely recognizes it in his ears.]

After I swore to never let you know, and act only as a friend, forever.

[His shock brings down her guard, all of her defenses threatening to crumble from just the idea that, perhaps, she's done something worse than to simply confess to a friend. And, indeed, she feels like she has. His words are biting, less from his tone and more because she has allowed herself to be vulnerable. She trusts Zevran with more than her life, with everything she's ever had or been. There are things she would tell him and no one else.

And when he implies that she may be cruel to say this to him, she swears she hears something crack inside of her.

Elissa says nothing for a moment, barely even breathes, because she knows if she reacts on instinct she will only succeed in hurting him even more. Her fingers grip her knees tightly and then she speaks, tone hushed but her voice even.]

I would never make a joke out of you. Your friendship means more to me than anything.

[Even rejection. She cares little if he says he doesn't feel the same but if he refuses even her friendship, she does not know what she'll do.]

You said once that the future is always uncertain and to live in the moment is best. I disagreed with you because I thought you wouldn't think of any future.

[She swallows and raises her head better, to stand firm on her decision even if it hurts her.]

I'm not trying to lead you on. I want you to know the truth. Even if I disappear, or you, or even if we never see each other again...I want you to know, at least, where my heart lies. [Her voice cracks briefly before she swallows it back.] Know that I never want to hurt you and I'm sorry that I have.

[Her gaze drops and then levels once more as she fights to give him her attention, to not hide away or cower when he deserves so much more than what she can ever promise him.]

I can leave if this doesn't suit you. You can forget that anything was ever said if that would be better for you. I will understand.

[Zevran finally wrenches his hand free of the bed post, staring at the mark in his palm, his brow furrowed. For once in his life he is managing to screw up talking a woman, a woman who is apparently attracted to him.]

No no - I - please...

I cannot think.

[Zevran is afraid. Nearly ill with it, as he was when Taliesin held his blade to Rinna's throat.]

Don't leave, Elissa. Mi vida.

[He sounds like a child, pleading not to be left in the dark. Unsure to do with his arm, he wraps them around himself tightly.]

[Had she thought to get up, his tone would have stopped her immediately. As things are, it draws her right back out of herself, no longer focused so inward. She doesn't understand what he's said in Antivan and doesn't need to. Not at that moment. She shakes her head.]

I'm right here. I'm not going to leave.

[Not when he doesn't want her to. Not when she has a choice and it isn't this world or some device deciding whether she's allowed to stay or go.

She looks down at his hand and then reaches out for it, for the one marked by the bed post he'd attached himself to.]

[Zevran lets her take his hand, and after some hesitation, looks into Elissa's eyes.] I am sorry. What I said before... I should not have. I am confused. [Lost, really.] I have been for some time, I think. You know very well who and what I am. I know what it is to desire someone physically, to be attracted to their personality and enjoy their traits. It is not difficult for me to become fond of another's company. [There are many times he's had to make friends with awful bedfellows.]

If all you wanted was someone to warm your bed, I would have done so long ago if you raised so much as an eyebrow in m direction. But if you are suggesting something more...

Edited 2013-04-01 07:05 (UTC)

[She takes it and turns it over, glancing briefly at the mark in his hand. Her eyes lift to meet his after a moment so he can have her undivided attention.]

If that was all I wanted... Back home, I could simply ask.

[He had offered years ago. And many people would want to warm the Hero of Ferelden's bed now. And even if they weren't keen on the idea, they might simply do it to gain favor with the Wardens. She has power, coin, and status. People would consider it an honor. And that's far from what she wants, or she may have taken someone before.]

I am suggesting something more. [Something occurs to her and she frowns.] Not as payment for a debt, not as an obligation. You are not mine, Zevran. You never were. [He may have thought of it like that, but she never did.]

If you aren't interested, saying no is all right. Just because I'm asking doesn't mean you have to agree with this. But I don't just want someone in my bed; I want more than that.

[It's selfish she tells herself. But she needs to be forthright with him.]

I am sorry, but you are wrong.

[Zevran murmurs it as a soft confession. He seems strangely disconnected: he cannot believe he is speaking these words.]

I am yours. Not because of debt or obligation, you have made clear you do not believe these are things owed to you. [His heart is hers, but he does not know how to say it.]

But what you are suggesting... I have never met a woman more true to herself and her convictions than you, so I not doubt your conviction, nor your feelings.

Yet I am embarrassingly unprepared to believe them.

[Zevran looks at her, his look one of miserably apology.]

To be quite honest, I am half wishing you had only come here with the desire to bed me, then I might at least know my proper response.

I... do feel something. For you.

[Love. Zevran wishes he could force the word out of his mouth, but it won't move, it remains trapped, a dead weight between his lips and tongue.]

Everything I have been taught tells me what I feel is wrong. I grew up among those who sold the illusion of love, and then I was trained to make my heart cold in favor of the kill.

Yet I cannot help it.

[She doesn't want to believe that he is. The context is fuzzy at first and she still worries that he does see himself as less than her. But she tries not to protest as he speaks, impulsivity pressing her.

Elissa smiles slightly, a crooked gesture.]

I think simply requesting to bed you would have given the wrong impression.

[Especially when it's been his nature to goad and to be lewd in their time together. It would have made anything she said after sound insincere. Her fingers settle over the mark on his palm.]

It's not wrong to feel, Zevran, no matter what it is. [She bites her tongue briefly with how hypocritical it is for her to say that.]

I didn't think... I thought I had just missed you. I thought it would be unfair to ask when we'll be separated. But I thought it would be even worse for me not to say anything and lose you again.

You know there are times when emotions are dangerous. Deadly, even. It has been my job to exploit some of those feelings from time to time.

[Zevran looks at their hands together, considering his words carefully.]

But you know I will do anything in my power to remain at your side just the same.

[Something faint, almost a smile, finally touches Zevran's features.] I would like to kiss you. It is alright, yes?

I know. We're not very fond of them in the Wardens either.

[Or in court. But it's very different when you use those feelings to kill others, to exploit their weaknesses. She knows Zevran's done it before but she isn't afraid of him. Her trust in him is implicit.]

Being separated doesn't mean it will be forever. [She can try to get to Antiva. There's always a chance.] I don't want it to be.

[To have all of them, to have friends she cares for, for only a year only to lose them for good? It's just not fair. She won't have it.

Elissa's fingers tighten briefly on his hand. Slowly, she nods.]

Yes, that's all right.

[Zevran tilts her chin up with two fingers, careful as if he could break the moment by trying to hold on too tightly. He kisses her, warm and gentle, loving, without a single suggestion of the seductiveness his typical manners imply.]

[Elissa allows him to leave, lets him make the first move. When she returns the kiss, the gesture is, at first, tentative; she is gentle and almost uncertain for a moment or two. But the tension and the worry melts away slowly, giving way to something much more tender and warm. It's been two and a half years since she's kissed anyone or allowed herself to be this close to any one person. This, though... This feels right.]

[It is a sweet kiss to the end.

Zevran withdraws for breath, gently stroking Elissa's cheek. She is as close to perfect as anyone can be, he thinks. What a strange thing to be in love with a noblewoman.

But she is not really a noble any more, she is a Grey Warden and a fierce warrior, that is what he loves most of her at all. For she might enjoy a dance and a glass of wine, she is most effective in a fight.

He wraps his arms around her, chuckling soundlessly.]

You are... most wonderful, mi amor.

[When they part, Elissa breathes, gaze lingering on his collar so she can hold out for just a little longer if he decides this isn't what he wants. At length, she looks up and gives him a small smile, fond as he puts his arms around her.

Her arms slide around him in return and her fingers tangle in the back of his shirt, her eyes briefly closing. The knot in her chest finally consents to untangle, relief flooding through her.

Elissa's chuckle answers his, faint, and she turns her head to look at him. Her smile has strengthened at last.]

I'm not sure what I've done to deserve a compliment like that.

I have been wanting to give it for awhile, that is all. [Zevran kisses her again, so softly, threading his fingers through her hair.]

[She smiles against his lips and wraps an arm around his waist, tugging him closer, as if she's refusing to let him go. The weight of his hand in her hair is comforting, the closeness contenting her.

After a moment, she breaks the kiss only briefly to whisper, against his lips:] Thank you.

I believe you may be the first person to ever thank me for a few kisses. [Zevran teases, pushing her hair out of her face a little and kissing her on each cheek.] Usually that comes after the orgasms, yes?

[She laughs, just a touch of pink settling on her ears. Elissa takes his hands gently and presses her lips to his knuckles.]

I wasn't thanking you for those...though I suppose I should, come to think of it. I've never kissed an Antivan before. [Never really kissed anyone like that besides Alistair, actually, which brings up other thoughts that she's glad to push away. There's no need for bitterness now.]

And I should think you will not be kissing many more, lest you make me tremendously jealous. [Zevran smirks, wagging a finger at her then tapping her nose.

He is giddy, dizzied almost, by the change of events. Some part of him is still convinced it isn't real, and that he ought to snatch up this moment while he can. Tomorrow Elissa might come to her senses. He leans in closer, hoping to capture another kiss, when he realizes something very strange.

He doesn't want it to be like that. Of course he's known he loves her for some time, and it appears she may return his affection. But he doesn't want this to be a night of passion with nothing to follow, even if it is an extraordinarily good night.

This frightens him immensely. In fact, he feels like the ceiling might drop out of the room. Zevran forms his words carefully.]

I have a policy of being very direct with my lovers. Sex is only good when both parties are ready and willing, and can speak freely of their needs.

And sex is only worth it if it is good.

[He pauses, perhaps a little bit too long: there's a 'but' he can't force out, and he is worried, suddenly, that she will be disappointed. All his typical grandeur is gone in the work of that moment, and he is softer, quieter than usual.]

I wish for you to stay here tonight... but I would hate to give you a performance that was less than my best, shall we say.

[The simple fact of the matter is he doesn't know how to have a relationship without sex deeply entangled. And why would he ever need to? Yet Zevran is still sorting through this confusion about the whole matter, and while he is elated at their new found connection it is still fraught with all sorts of stress.

Zevran still does not know how to think of himself as more than a tool of conveyance, in many ways, whether it's death or pleasure.]

I hope that is not disappointing, and that you will stay regardless.

Edited (oh i don't know i wanted this to be extra-sad) 2013-04-04 05:56 (UTC)

[Her smile is lopsided for a moment and she chuckles. What other Antivan could there be for her? And, more importantly, who else would she rather other than him?]

I won't be doing that. This I swear.

[It is a little strange to see Zevran so out of his element, the man who spoke of passion so often back in Ferelden. But he had meant physical, not this, and so it's no surprise. Elissa is hardly confident at the moment either and she does not begrudge his tentativeness.

Her hands tighten on his and she nods. Her mouth opens and closes once in turn, uncertainty filtering into her expression. But it's not what he's said that leaves her hesitant but what she wishes to say.

At length, she nods again, voice softer:]

I don't need the sex, Zevran. I just...want you and whatever you want to give. That's enough for me.

[There, it's been said. She can't take it back now. Her fingers tighten once more on his hands at the thought, at the idea that he might back out, but she refuses to give any ground.

She swallows and releases a soft breath, unaware until then how hard her heart is beating in her chest.]

I'd still like to stay with you tonight.

Edited (you know what I'm adding stuff fight me) 2013-04-04 06:38 (UTC)

Ah. Good. I.

[He's a bit stunned. He is not sure what he expected. Elissa is not the type to frivolously hand out her affections, after all - it is probably why she favored Alistair in the first place. Don't think of Alistair, his friend. Elissa was already thinking to make him king, and while Zevran does not the future of their relationship, it is clear Elissa is not with him here.

She is no one's but her own, and he trusts she would not betray their friend, nor expect Zevran to.

And if he is wrong he still loves Elissa more than he's fond of Alistair, so.

Zevran does pull away now, to pace the tiny length of his room a moment and catch his breath. Finally he goes for the door, unlocking it. Nervous energy buzzes through him like a lightning spell. He is as anxious as he was the night of his first true kill.]

I suppose we might talk a bit, before we sleep. [He feels like he could talk all evening, and yet he cannot find those first words. He cannot begin to be brave enough to ask why me?] Water, I think, for me at least.

[He might have been more prepared for her to ignore his lack of sexual desire, for this to devolve into the more expected thing. But she instead respects his wishes, and he is uncertain how to proceed.

All of this is new. For all he claims to understand the nature and hearts of others, he is completely out of his league. Zevran scurries to the kitchen. The bedroom was feeling suffocating.]

Edited 2013-04-04 06:56 (UTC)

[She nods and lets him go. Instead of following him to the kitchen, crowding him, she remains seated on the bed and looks around. She feels more out of her element than she's ever been before, even back at camp with Alistair. At least then, she could give them the excuse that they were children, that they thought they would die any day, and that it was, eventually, fleeting.

But she can't say that here. She's had two years to miss Zevran, months to articulate her feelings for him.

Elissa stands and paces the length of the room, arms crossed, gnawing at her bottom lip in thought. She's not backing out. She can be patient. But it almost seems so juvenile, the two of them fumbling over words and talking to one another as if they're both children courting for the first time.

...In essence, she supposes they are.

She laughs quietly, gazing about the small room, tidy and uniform, and shakes her head.

What are we even doing?

Scrubbing at her forehead, she finally relents to at least take her outer jacket off and set it aside. For now, she won't be needing it.]

[Zevran returns with glasses of water for them both, settling down next to her after he hands Elissa her share. This is awkward, for so many reasons. He isn't dressed to impress anyone, wearing his favored yoga skirt and pants and a loose scoop-necked shirt over, soft things that hide his knives deceptively well. His boots are by the door - he tends to go barefoot in the apartment. All in all, it's hardly the clothes for a date, in fact it's pretty clear he had no plans for more than reading a few books and heading to bed.

He presses a kiss to her cheek, almost playful, then sips his water.]

I am afraid I must ask you... what exactly brought this on? I had completely convinced myself we would and could not happen.

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