exsiliumlogs | The undiscover'd country

[ Since this afternoon, the darkness in which Xerxes Break lives is no longer complete. He can see hints of light and shadow, dark smudges of something there - most clearly when all the lights are on.

Which is why the lights are off, and he's sitting on the sofa, with a blanket over his head. From time to time, a skinny arm juts out of the cocoon, and reaches for the pile of cookies, hard scones, and only slightly-burnt tarts at his elbow (Gilbert's various attempts at pastry using modern appliances, saved from destruction). Ordinarily he'd reject such poor excuses for confectionary; but right now, anything sweet will do.

He hasn't moved from this position for hours, not since he got home. And so he might have continued to sit--that is, until he hears the scrabbling of the key in the lock. By the time the door pops open, he has thrown off the blanket and assumed a posture of sprawling repose across the sofa, with a scone between his teeth. ]

( it's without much thought to it that he switches on the lights, blinking briefly at the brightness, and - stops in his tracks.

hallucinations is a thought that'd crossed his mind just a few weeks ago, back when this very building had been destroyed and both gilbert and oswald had made their appearances, but it doesn't today. the truth of the matter isn't so difficult to work out, and it's not as though he hasn't known for months about the initiative's ability to undo even death; has joked about it with haruka, mentioned it flippantly in conversation, seen others talk about it, but it never felt so immediate as it does now. elliot hadn't died here, nor had he been returned so quickly.

he opens his mouth and then closes it, ending up saying nothing at all. )

[While Oz goes to turn the light on, Gilbert has turned away to take off his wet jacket and hang it on one of the hooks near the front door. He isn't turned so far away from Oz that he doesn't notice his lack of movement, however, and as soon as it's hung up he says, voice low but curious:]

Hm? Oz?

[So even if all Break can see is an outline of the both of them, it's probably pretty clear just from what he can hear that Gilbert, as always, is completely oblivious.]

[ As soon as he found himself alive, all the jagged messy parts of his twice-contracted soul stuffed back into his dodgy body, his immediate instinct had been to go back to Paris. He can't die yet, it's the literal truth, so he ought to chase after those people who are too young to die, which is why they do.

But sense prevailed. He'd stepped through the portal the first time not understanding the situation. Going back would be pointless; the world is lost. Besides, if they hadn't had the sense to return on their own, he had little hope of persuading them. Gilbert - in particular, the moron - can't be persuaded with anything less than a stick, and Break's ability to do that faded in Sablier. He is old.

In the end, he had to make do with what's left in the bottom of the box: burnt pastries and hope. Now, hearing them return, and correctly interpreting Oz's shocked silence and Gilbert's obliviousness, he pulls the scone from his mouth and lets it fly, aiming for the smudge that is most likely to be Gilbert's head. ]

Where've you been, where's my tea, I'm hungryyyyyy!

[ He is overjoyed. ]

( if oz thinks about it, this is basically exactly what he would've expected to find here. as if nothing happened at all, as if they haven't all returned from a burnt earth with no hope of recovery, and as if break himself hadn't died in its streets - and hadn't, more than likely, even known he was there.

normally, oz is a lot better at playing this game.

doesn't look quite so stricken at least, after a moment, but it takes a hard swallow before he can consider saying anything at all. )

...when did you get back here?

[Things that Gilbert hadn't been expecting:

1 - A sudden scone to the head. Ouch that thing is a weapon why did he bake it.

2 - The sound of Break's voice, very much alive and just as annoying and maddening as always.

3 - Oz to accept it so easily after everything that he'd just seen.

Or no...no, he's not taking it easily. He's just 'pretending' again, isn't he? Though Gilbert doesn't exactly have the chance to process most of that properly as he's too busy stomping across the room on unstable feet with his heart pounding even louder than his footsteps from both anger and relief. He can't even question the miracle behind all of this, but the guilt in his heart taints the sentiment behind his words before he has a chance to consider them.]

B-Break?!

[Fists clenched, he stops a few feet away from the couch.]

'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN'?! IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?! AFTER ALL THAT YOU--! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!

[ Gilbert is shouting. He's the sort of person who shouts, there's nothing extraordinary in it. He'll shout all day, if you let him. But Oz? Why on earth does he sound like that?

Break had intended to keep teasing, but he's taken aback and his timing's off now. ]

Dear me. So noisy. Tempest in a teapot, Gilbert.

[ He has always seen his own demise as something long overdue: something he'll get around to, when it's time. Fulfill his purpose and relinquish his guilty soul back to the Abyss. That's not to say he'll go easily; but easy or not, it's inevitable, so much so as to be commonplace. Besides - it's beyond hypocritical for a person to value his own life, who has taken so many.

But for Oz to sound so upset... ]

Go and put the kettle on, chop chop! Your young master could use some tea and sweets.

[ Look sharp, Oz! There's a slightly-burnt tart headed your way, spinning like a shuriken. ]

Cos kids should be kids and think about themselves.

( he catches the tart and at least saves it the sad fate of falling to the ground pathetically, though a few blackened flakes make their best effort, land and stick on his rain-wet shoes. it's easier to consider them than the weirdly normal scene before him, gil's rising to break's bait yet again about something as mundane as tea and cakes, as if

as if.

it's not just any day, and he's not even sure he wants to pretend. someone else might've been goaded into anger by now, but he just offers: )

I'm not hungry.

( which sounds a little too pathetic, even to him, so - )

So I guess that's more for you, after having to wait on us.

[Even through his angry towards Break, he can still hear the pain in his young master's voice. He stutters out a few more angry half-sentences, a lot of 'are you kidding?!'s and 'that's not-!'s before finally turning around to storm into the kitchen. They've danced this dance before, a ridiculous argument before Gilbert finally gives in and prepares whatever thing Break has requested, but he needs Oz to have something warm to drink too after the terrible day that's passed them all.]

Just sit there quietly! Stop throwing things! Do you have any idea how badly you made everyone worry about you?! Are you ever going to explain what really happened?!

[He can yell and make tea at the same time, okay.]

[ His timing's off, that's it. There's an obvious set of jokes to be made but they aren't coming, and it's Oz's fault for sounding so pathetic. Oz and Gilbert's too. It doesn't matter, he's just going to shrug all this off, and keep prattling about tea and cake and candy, and let Gilbert yell, because who cares about useless people yelling and--

snap! ]

You're one to talk!

Taking a kid into a war zone, what were you thinking? You moron!

( that's unexpected, and not just the bout of temper from break himself; of all things for him to start shouting about, that's the very last oz would've expected. he sounds more incredulous than anything else with what little he manages to articulate at that. )

What - ?

[He's not entirely unused to Break yelling at him. It wasn't so long ago that they'd been in an even worse fight. Don't you dare talk about me...as if you understand me! Perhaps this is just the end of that fight that they didn't really get to finish, interrupted when Elliot had begged them to stop, and again when Gilbert's punch had actually reached its intended target unexpectedly.]

How was I supposed to know that it would be that bad?! The two of you have been here for months without me - if you knew something early on then you should have said it before! Even now you refuse to tell me the things that I need to know!

[ He goes bright red - and then he's off the sofa, across the room, into the kitchen, and grabbing for Gilbert's shoulder to spin him around. ]

I have! I've told you everything! For years! But you won't listen!

[ His face is right in Gilbert's. He's shrieking with his eyes shut. ]

You don't want to listen! You don't want to think, cos you're afraid. You'd rather be that brat's loyal servant, and let him lead you 'round by the nose!

But Oz doesn't need that! He doesn't need a servant, he's got along fine without one! He needs--

[ It's hopeless, he thinks, even as he rages. Gilbert won't listen, it's a waste of breath. Yet his own long-postponed and recently-reversed mortality is now an urgent reality. He has to try. ]

He needs an older brother. Someone to lead, not blindly follow. And I--

[ All these things he has to say to Gilbert, before the final curtain falls. Didn't he say to Oz not so long ago, "Live each day as if it were your last. As if you'll never see anyone here, ever again." ]

Gilbert--

[ ... ]

[ NOPE not happening. ]

Tch! Never mind!

( all of which leaves oz hovering awkwardly near the doorway still, now alone as break storms out as well. tempting as it is to take the opportunity to escape, unnoticed, oz's strongest instinct is always to go towards trouble; which is what he does, trailing helplessly after the two of them, little chance though there is to get a word in edgewise. that's not to say he doesn't try, though, especially when the topic fails to turn away from him and what he, apparently, really needs. )

Break -

( seems absolutely mad that this of all things would be the first out of break's mouth after what happened in paris. not first, exactly, not if he had time to get back here and retrieve that small mountain of sweets, but that makes it all the stranger - if he's had time to think about everything and still comes to this. )

[Break can't see his face, and he's never been more grateful for that fact as he is in this moment, because the whole time that his superior is yelling at him, he visibly wilts. He used to be able to get angry, to scoff and turn on his heels whenever the topic of Oz came up, but now that Break has laid everything out on the proverbial table (is Oz Vessalius really the thing that you need?) there's no use trying to hide the emotional recoil. His hand is still gripping the empty tea kettle as Break spins him around to face forward, and he has half a mind to swing it right at the idiot's face where he stands.

Except it might really connect.

And besides, it belongs to Collette. He doesn't want to explain why it's dented later.

Plus, he's right. Maybe he really isn't what Oz needs. Maybe what he needs is the family that he's never been allowed, a promise of stability and normalcy, all the things that Gilbert is wholly unable to give him. They've all been handed a set of circumstances that are unfair, and though he still fears that he might crack, even now Gilbert still wants to take the entire burden onto his shoulders.

Slowly, his fingers go slack against the handle and his chin slumps forward.]

...For someone who just died, you're too damned noisy.

[He can't even look up as he hears Oz call out to them.]

Whatever Oz really needs...whatever he tells me in the end - I'll accept it. But I won't accept any of this coming from you.

[ I need you to grow up. So I won't have to worry.

These are the words left unsaid, and he's actually thankful he didn't say them, because Gilbert wouldn't understand even if he had. He simply won't.

Or--?

Break's mind drifts back to Sablier and Gilbert's strange behavior. Something - or someone - had gotten into his head. Perhaps he doesn't understand anything because he simply can't.

He reaches up, as if to pat his hapless subordinate; then makes a fist and raps his knuckles sharply against Gilbert's head. ]

Hmm. Hollow. As I expected. Well, well - it's not your fault.

[ SUDDENLY:

Whoosh! He spins on one heel and his cane flicks up, pointed squarely at Oz's head. ]

But yooooooou, on the other hand, have no such excuse~♥

( it's something to try to untangle later, this exchange between gil and break. unsettling enough to be talked about like that, let alone while being right there for it; in a less tense moment he might remark on it, but not right now, when break's as angry as he's ever seen him and gil looks as upset as all that.

what he really needs. honestly, if he knew that...

in any case, there's relief when break seems to let it go - until oz finds himself half going cross-eyed staring down the length of the cane and realizes that, no, break's hardly finished at all. )

Ah.

( he could try to mitigate his impending doom, if he thought there were any point in trying. )

[He might be useless when facing Break alone, but with him staring down Oz he acts instantly. A few broad steps and Gilbert places himself between Break and Oz, one arm out with his palm facing his young master, more of a protective gesture than a threatening one.]

Break, leave him alone! Oz is...

[He's the one who saw the whole thing.]

He's been through enough today.

[ Whacking Gilbert in the stomach with the head of his cane?
Super tempting... ]

Yes. I'm aware. That's why we're having this nice little chat. Now, if you please, the people with brains are talking.

[ He raises his hand and leaves it suspended in air for a moment...

then pats Gilbert's cheek and steps past him, toward Oz once more. In the end, there's no point beating someone who simply can't help it. ]

Though only one of us uses it, right Oz?

It's fine -

( is what he has to say to gilbert's stepping in, thankful that he didn't, at least, get into specifics - and also that there's only so many that he actually has. the events of today are most definitely not something he wants to get into, least of all to break himself.

he considers the fact that he more than likely deserves what he's about to get before offering a glib answer - )

Do you think so?

Break, I'm serious! Let it go!

[Yes, this is his serious, angry voice. The same one that he'd used when he told Break to get away from Elliot, to tell him that he was wrong when he'd really been right all along. His superior was always right, and would always be stronger than him. Strong enough to come back from the dead and then yell at everyone for having a sad thought about it.

He doesn't get in between them again, but he does reach out and grab Break's shoulder.]

[ As soon as he feels the hand on his shoulder, he spins and bears down on Gilbert, shouting. This day has been too much, for so many reasons. ]

Oz, Oz, OZ!

You don't even exist, except for him! You spoiled brat, grow up! You've got to start thinking, you've got to do it on your own!

[ His sword is actually halfway out of his scabbard. ]

I won't always be here!

( he flinches away even though that isn't even directed at him, at hearing his name shouted so on top of everything else. and, of course, i won't always be here, which - don't they all know it by now? always a threat, but never so tangibly real as today, as a few hours ago.

or, maybe, it's you don't even exist that feels as much of a blow as anything else, even (especially) directed at someone else. )

Break!

( it's a rare day that oz is provoked into shouting, himself, but by this point it's just another reason today needs to get over with. )

That's enough, we know! Tell me whatever you want to say, but just getting angry with Gil isn't going to change anything!

( he's taken a few steps forward, aware how that puts him directly in cane-smacking range. )

[He can already feel that blade in his side as he catches sight of the steel. He'd probably deserve it too, he's sure. He deserved it the last time that Break had caught him in the stomach and left him crumpled over in the hallway of Isla Yura's estate. Teeth gritted, he steps forward ready to challenge Break further, but the sound of Oz's voice snaps him out of it.

He can't do anything but stare down at the young man, mouth open slightly, eyes wide with surprise. He doesn't want to hear Oz's voice sound like that, bravery tainted with pain. But he can't do anything but stare stupidly at the both of them, words completely lost on him as Oz and Break's words both echo in his head.]

[ He can feel Gilbert falter, he doesn't need to see it. No matter how often he succeeded, no matter what he managed to accomplish, Gilbert's spirit never healed. It stayed broken. He was always that boy, kneeling in the rain, blaming himself. Neither encouragement nor praise nor reason nor mockery was sufficient to repair what was broken.

The only thing that remained whole and intact was Gilbert's blind loyalty. Ugh. Sickening. ]

Oz.

[ He rolls the head of his cane between the tips of his fingers. ]

What do you think happens to the loyal dog, when his master doesn't come home again?

( tell me whatever you want to say, he'd said, and here they are. he'd expected a reprimand or lecture rather than a question like that, and it's enough to make him still and drop his hand. )

That... ( he understands its purpose, he thinks, but chooses not to ) ...that sounds like something to ask Elliot, don't you think? It's the Nightrays who like to keep dogs as pets.

[The words hurt, whether Break meant for them to or not. A loyal dog would sit and wait, but that's not what he did. He'd actively worked to achieve a new life, put himself into a position where he could prepare a world for Oz to come back to, no matter how badly he'd had to twist himself in order to let that happen.

He grits his teeth, but still says nothing as he waits for Break to explain just what he means. He doesn't even manage to make eye contract with Break, despite the fact that he can't see him to begin with.]

If you don't know, I'll tell you. A loyal dog will follow his master everywhere. If he can't, he'll stay behind, steadfast and ever watchful. Even after months, he'll bark at anyone who resembles his master. But when all--

[ --hope is lost, he was going to say. It had been hope that carried Gilbert forward all those years. It was hope that had made him abandon his revenge upon Zai Vessalius, denying the reality he'd seen with his own eyes. He hadn't understood at the time; since then he had mulled it over and over in his mind...

Ah, there's nothing for it. No words he can say will have any effect on these two: one who can't understand, and the other who willfully pretends not to.

Fine. No more words. He seizes Oz's shoulder and spins him around, catching him under the chin with his cane. ]

Gilbert!

[ If Oz disappears for good, what happens to hope? ]

With your own hands! With your own eyes, I want you to check! Look at his incuse!

( he understands what break's going to say before he does, of course. out of all of the ways oz could rationalize away his own importance to other people - could, has, is - gil's the most difficult. always, he'd said, and had never for a second faltered despite what obstacles arose. but still, oz wonders, has fears and doubts and some of them are a bit ahiru-shaped despite himself.

(what exactly might he be holding gil back from having?)

looking away at break's answer, not wanting to hear it, means he doesn't see the next part coming until it's too late and he's already caught under a cane of all things. )

What -

( he'd forgot about his incuse, mostly, intending to take a look at it later quietly without much expectation of change. even though he has used a lot of power today, it's still failed to move in all the months he's been here, so for break to suddenly worry about it -

- he pulls at the cane with both hands and makes an indignant sound. )

No! We're in the middle of the kitchen - what if Collette gets back?

[He listens with his chin down, eyes fixed on a spot near Break's shoulder without actually looking him right in the eye. It hadn't just been sitting and watching, he wants to interject. It had been so much more than that, but he knows that Break already understands all of that, and Oz doesn't need to hear it. His young master can see it written on his face already, he doesn't need to hear about the years spent in Pandora, finding ways to use the Nightray family for his own gains. The shame that had accompanied it all.

Break's next words bring a rush of nostalgia, even more painful than the memories of Pandora and the nobility. For a second he sees Elliot's face again, scared, pained and confused, his sister's head still warm on the ground at the bottom of the stairs. Gilbert had defended him then, and been wrong. Break was always right. But he still hadn't regretted his decision to stand up for his little brother, even now a world away where he's alive.

But he blinks and all at once Elliot's face is replaced with Oz's, and he snaps back into himself.]

Break -

[He steps forward, one arm raised angrily as though ready to swing out at Break's face.]

There's no reason to bring this up right now - so let him go!

[Even though...he does wonder.]

[ He'd let Elliot go, and that had been an error. He'd let himself be distracted and baited, when he should have seen the thing through to the end. ]

You wander blithely into a battlefield, yet you're worried about Collette?

[ He's got Oz pinned with his cane, holding him tight, pulling him back, his hand clasped around Oz's shoulder (too hard). He can hear Gilbert advancing and tenses, focussing his instincts. He won't be sucker-punched again. ]

If not now, when? You want to drag this out? We're all going to wonder until you check, so just do it and get it over with! Do it now!

[ All at once, he lets go, punctuating the last word with a shove, on purpose to send Oz into Gilbert's arms. He stays where he is, in a half-crouch, ready to spring - in case anybody gets any ideas about escaping. ]

( that's exactly why i'm worried about collette, he thinks.

because she'd been out there too, hadn't she, and she'd met that - not him (is it?) but who he becomes when b.rabbit's power becomes too overwhelming. when he - hadn't wanted to grieve, and so the chain whispered, destroy. he's worried about what she knows and what she's inevitably going to ask, and the fact that at this moment she knows more about what happened today than either gil or break. it's not a good state of affairs, but he doesn't want either of them to find out - and what's the point?

no, he knows the point. but that doesn't make him any the more eager to talk, either. and there's one more thing he knows, too: that break has always had a way of knowing when the incuse had moved forward another rotation. that break, no matter what he seems, is far from random in where he places his attentions. it hasn't moved in all these months, away from both alice and the abyss, and oz hadn't felt anything to suggest it has now (nor did he the last time, after sablier). it's a suspicion, not something he'll believe until he sees for himself - preferably alone.

except it's break's painful grip more than anything else that tells him alone isn't an option. he stumbles forward right into gilbert when released, feeling a flash of irritation before it gets smothered over by everything else. it's there in his voice when he answers, only after straightening, and not looking at either of them. )

Fine.

Oz...

[His young master's voice sobers him a little, arms instantly reaching up to catch him and attempt to hold tight to his shoulders and help him to stand upright. He glances from Break back to Oz, hands shaking where he's holding onto the young man's shoulders.]

[ He has this cold feeling that he's about to be right; though for once, he'd rather not be. He begins to straighten up from his crouch (Oz isn't going anywhere, so it seems) and-- ]

Ugh.

[ He can't help grunting, because the still-healing wound in his side and every persistent bruise from his fight with the Baskervilles begins to hurt all at once. He pushes himself up with his cane and manages not to grimace and thinks what he'd really like most of all is to go and lie down. Perhaps a nice cup of tea first. Tea and a lie-down and pretend none of this happened, wouldn't that be nice? And then perhaps he'll wake up in a Rainsworth chateau and this will all have been a dream and he'll have breakfast in the garden with Lady Sharon and...

Six billion people, how is that even possible? His mind recoils. ]

What happened to you out there?

[ It's asked simply; wearily. ]

( he leaves answering that question to gil - he's curious too about what happened after they were separated, and this current concession doesn't make him any the more willing to admit what he did. besides, break isn't the only one feeling weary; it trips and tangles his fingers as they go down his shirtfront, making unbuttoning more of a task than it really should be.

it's only a suspicion.

when his shirt is loose enough he gives up on the buttons, pulling the opening over to the left side of his chest. the incuse had progressed five times since sablier, but been still since then; months and multiple uses by now, a certainty that something here keeps it from moving. except -

except the hand points directly downwards now, incuse halfway complete. )

[Gilbert doesn't answer either. Everything about this moment is too stressful, too much of a strain to speak a word of truth that he doesn't believe he'll regret. For all they'd seen, all levels of emotional and physical turmoil that they'd both experienced, to speak it out loud wouldn't lessen any of it, and would only serve to burden everyone else to hear it.

He catches Oz's movements by feeling his arms move beneath his hands before he sees it for himself, but as soon as he catches sight of what the young man is doing, he immediately jerks his hands away. A protest stays silent on his tongue as he watches, certain that Oz has to be right, Break has to be wrong, and the world has to make some sense right now.

Except that another hour is filled in that Gilbert hadn't expected, and he still has absolutely no idea what to say. Heart sinking into his nervous stomach, he steps around to face Oz directly, drops to one knee and reaches up to push the shirt aside with his own hand. His silence should be answer enough to Break.]

[ He can hear the rustling of fabric; Gilbert's movements; and the yawning, hollow silence. He feels something like... What is the word for the feeling, he wonders, in anticipation of inevitable grief...

Gilbert will have to get used to the idea. He will have to accept that there will be a day when he has to go on, without his precious master.

Destruction of the body has no sting in this place (he himself is testament to that). Yet Oz still has some connection to the Abyss. Even here, the chains of judgement can reach him and drag him down, body and soul. He feels certain of this. The clock is ticking. ]

I--

We should all get some rest.

[ His shoulders are rounded forwards; he's leaning on his cane like an old, old man. ]

I'm going to bed.

That's -

( impossible. except what kind of a fool could stay in a place like this and still think that? even this day alone had been full of no small number of impossible things, and this is just the last of them. really, an incuse continuing to progress is natural; the stranger thing had been the idea that it might be stopped, not unlike a broken watch with its gears still twitching.

he stares for a long moment before break speaks, then moves to pull the fabric back from gil, fix the buttons quickly. rest has never been a more attractive option than it is now; the rest can be worried about later. )

You're right.

[For another moment, Gilbert is still unable to speak. But it's obvious that even Oz was unaware that the incuse had moved forward, so it wasn't a lie. Not a real one. But if he didn't notice, what does that mean? Is his contract so far gone now that he won't feel the influence of it over his body? Would there be no warning the next time that moved?

He pulls his hands away as Oz does his shirt back up, but doesn't rise from where he's kneeling on the floor. Does he go after Break? Apologize for being wrong - again? No, Break would never ask for an apology because Gilbert would never offer one. He's been through a lot, they all have, but Break and Oz more so than anything he's had to deal with. They've seen two different types of worlds, even more outside of that now. And inside those worlds, Break has died and Oz has taken a closer step towards death of his own.

How can I selfishly stand by and feel upset when they're dealing with all of this...

In the end, he doesn't follow Break. He stands up and puts a hand on Oz's shoulder, remaining at his side, as he always will.]

I'll walk over with you.

[It's close by, but he's not going to let Oz walk even those few steps on his own if he doesn't have to.]

The undiscover'd country

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