exsiliumlogs | (no subject)

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Date & Time: July 2nd
Location: Network at first, then to action somewhere
Characters: Wilder siblings
Summary: FEELINGS and cruxis crystals
Warnings: Talks of death and depressing things like that idk

[After everything had settled down for the most part, Seles was able to return to her own room. She didn't want to be a burden, after all. She was healthy again (as healthy as she could be, and the inhaler helped), and now she could focus on training.

But thoughts of having to lean on that cruxis crystal kept cropping up and leaving her bothered. What should she do with it? Keep it on to avoid future worry? Take it off and keep it?

Eventually she came to a decision, and after spending a good half of the day thinking about it, she sent a voice message over to Zelos.]

Big brother? [A longer pause than usual, because it's always hard to get those words out, even as... easily as they come in her heart.] Are you busy?

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[Yeah...you probably should be alarmed a little Seles.]

[His feet dig around in the floor a little as he thinks of how to start. Man, he kind of wishes it would swallow him up and he wouldn't have to do this. Seriously, how many people have to be the ones who telll their family that they are dead? Just his luck...]

[Or his punishment, maybe.]

You know how there's a lot of worlds, right? Earth's one, Tethe'alla, Sylvarant...

And as it turns out, there's not just many worlds- but multiple versions of each world. Ones where the timeline goes differently or different events transpire. Think of it like alternate timelines, I guess.

Well....I'm not just from an earlier time from you, I'm from from another Tethe'alla. The Zelos you know, the one that helped unite the worlds? He's back in your Tethe'alla doing whatever he was doing when you left. But...I'm not him, and I'll never...be him either.

[Everything about this feels wrong. She follows what he's saying, and it... makes sense, sort of. But.

Not him? Never be him? Why was he distancing himself from the Zelos she must know, different events or not? Couldn't they get around something like that? Share stories?]

What... do you mean?

[Well, here it comes. He feels his stomach twisting into knots, but he'll force himself to look at her, well, mostly look at her. At least in her direction!]

[He wants to run. He really does. But he owes it to Seles to be the one to explain right? To control the situation.]

...The last time I saw you in my timeline, was when I came by to get the Cruxis Crystal.

About a week after that....I died.

[Her heart sinks, her stomach knots up and she shifts to stand without even thinking, facing him more directly.]

W-what?

[There's a waver in her voice, and she's in denial, waiting for him to laugh it away like some cruel joke. For this to turn out to be wrong, somehow. The second that it seems too late for it to come, she's blurting out more to urge it forward.]

That's-- no, you're right here in front of me!

[There's definitely no laughter, no punchline. How he seriously wishes there was. Or at least, a way to keep this quiet forever]

...The Initiative brought me back, that's why. They got some tech that lets them do that. But...it only lasts until they're through.

[an awkward pause]

Sorry...I thought it'd be better to hear from me than somewhere else.

No...

[It's quiet as she thinks. Tries to logically find a reason to debate this. But she has nothing, and so her feet take her shakily closer to Zelos as she swipes out an arm in a motion unlike her-- a desperate slash at air to try and knock this pain away.]

That can't be true! You're lying! You have to-- [Her voice cracks, and her eyes are watering, and god this can't be right!]

Tell me you're lying!

[That gesture was unlike her, Seles who always tried to be so proper and ladylike...]

[And her voice is cracking, she's on the verge of crying. He'd ask himself what he's done, had he not asked himself that a thousand times already since being alive again]

[No amount of asking would change a thing anyway]

I'm sorry....

[That's all he can say, all he knows how to say. There was no justification, no defense, no bright side. He screwed up and ruined everything. Just like always, except there was no chance to change here.]

[The moment his mouth opens and just an apology comes out, she chokes out a sob and brings that slashing hand to her face to try and rub away the tears that won't stop now.]

No...!

[She's shaking, it's hard to breathe, but she doesn't want even her sobbing or care about her sobbing to get in the way of the answers she needs right now.

Something needs to make sense!]

How?! Why?! Tell me what happened! How could this have happened...?!

[The crying hurts. It hurts to watch so much, that he ends up looking away. He didn't want to make his sister cry anymore. He never wanted to make her cry- why did it seem so impossible for him to ever make anyone happy? Everything he did was...]

[...wrong in the end. Nothing but wrong.]

[There's a pause before he answers, taking in a breath. He hasn't forgotten Colette mentioning how Seles had gone for revenge, had challenged Lloyd to a fight...]

[He didn't want that. He didn't want anyone to die for him or get hurt for him. ]

It was at the Tower of Salvation. There was a fight, and I ended up outnumbered and, well...I felt it was necessary to get what I wanted done - even if it cost me that much.

It was a pretty stupid way to go, looking back.

[It was a lie, or at least a dodge around the truth. But what choice did he have?]

[Outnumbered... Tower of Salvation? How?... She steps closer, raising a shaky hand to try and reach for him but it misses and she drops it again and turns around, putting both hands to her face.

Trying to steady her breathing and the ever-growing voice in the back of her mind wondering I can't handle this what do I do I can't, not while something like this is true...]

What-- what you wanted to get done? What did you want to get done? Was it because you were a Chosen? [Is that why he reacted poorly to the gem? She doesn't get it!]

[That conclusion, huh? Guess it did sound that way, being at the tower - the same room even. Dying for something he wanted. But...]

Heh, I think we both know I'm too pathetic a Chosen to do something like regenerate the world.

[...]

It was a deal I made, with Cruxis. A deal I thought would make things better for us...it didn't work out that way, I was too stupid to see, too scared...I ended up screwing everything up instead.

[He shakes his head]

I really am sorry.

This doesn't make any sense!

[What comes out of all this built up sorrow and confusion and the stress of being unable to breathe properly is that. It's a yell, cracking voice between sobs as she raises both hands to her head, grips at her hair a bit, spins around--

What does she do damn it?!

Her brother. Her brother. Why is he telling her this. Why is he talking like that, why did he die, why isn't this going away?!]

Noooo! [That's more like a cry than a yell, but for what that particular noise lacks in anger, her motions make up for. It's the same desperation and complete confusion. She's definitely got no control left on her mind, and she swings her arms down with strangled sobs.

In just a moment, she sends ice shooting out at anything in her way. The couch maybe, or the wall, anything just to get the frustration and complete helplessness out of the way as she cries, and when she's done with that and realizes how much it's doing absolutely nothing, her legs crumple beneath her and she drops to her knees, face in her hands as she sobs.]

Seles!

[The yelling and the ice, not only startle him, but they frighten him. Zelos, for all his magical mishaps, never destroyed rooms from it. He doesn't know what to do, he feels like he made a really big mistake but he doesn't know how. He shouldn't have said anything, is his first impulse, but what happened with their father was enough to point out how wrong that'd turn out.]

[He gets down on his knees with her, feeling desperate. Wanting to do anything, anything to make this stop]

Look, I'm sorry okay?! Please...

It only happened in my timeline, okay? When you go home, your brother will be just fine! Really! You two have seen each other right? So it'll be okay.

[Please, stop hurting like this. I'm not worth it]

You're my brother!

[She yells that sternly, stubbornly, turns away from him just a bit because her sobbing has caused a fit of coughing. Not like the plague, at least-- that horrible cough is long gone. But the usual type of breathless wheezing and coughing, and soon she's clapping her hand over her mouth and crying out.

There's no way to handle this gracefully. She's not even thinking about it-- not like usual.

In between coughs, she barely manages a breathy addition.]

It's not okay...

[You're my...]

[His eyes squeeze shut for a moment, even as she turns away. Maybe if he was still fully human, they'd be wet. Maybe, he's not sure if he lost that ability before or after the crystal]

...You deserve a better brother than me. I'm nothing but a screw up.

[Even so, he finds himself looking around to see if he can find her inhaler from where he's sitting when she starts coughing. It's practically an impulse really, to look after her even when he's the source of all this]

Stop talking like that!

[In one last flash of her violent streak, she faces him again just to smack him across the face. She's tired of it-- she doesn't understand it-- she doesn't want this to be like this at all! How long...

...

"Different timelines" doesn't factor into this at all. This hurts so much. She's still shaking, but it looks like she's managed to get the coughing down enough where her sobbing is uninterrupted as she stares at Zelos.]

...That can't be how you think. You're my big brother! You're the happiest part of my life! Please just stop...!

[And he's slapped across the face! His head does the jerk that happens when someone is slapped, though he's been harder before (maybe it's a good thing she handed over the crystal before this). But the act itself and the things she saying? Is more than enough to stun him]

But I-

[It was the truth, wasn't it?! It was the truth he knew! He was nothing but a screw up, he only brought misery. Yet here she was saying-]

[He doesn't know how to react to any of this. ]

[She just continues, between crying.]

I waited for so long, hanging onto those happy moments with you... wanting there to be more of them!

How could you ever think you were anything less than my wonderful big brother?! [She just doesn't understand!]

I-

Hanging onto-

[He stutters a bit, trying to wrap his mind around this. Wanting to have happy memories with him? Her wonderful big brother-]

[After his conversation the other day when she revealed caring about him, his mind is spinning. He doesn't understand, it and it frustrates him. He ends up making an angry sound at the sheer frustration, the words spilling out]

You're saying that stuff now?!

Gee I don't know, why didn't any of you say this stuff when I was alive?! Why do you gotta say it now after I screwed up?!

I'm not a mind reader, you know!

[She's so stunned by the angry noise and the words that follow that she freezes up and looks over, one hand over her mouth to muffle the noises from her sobs.

Her heart sinks at the truth of it. Every time she wanted to tell him that she missed him, that she wished he'd visit more, that she loved him and thought of him as her big brother of course... Every time. She'd just ended up being unsure of how to say it.

Afraid he would reject her.

Frozen in spot and saying only the cruelest things that she'd regret for days after saying them. More tears well up in her eyes, but now she's trying not to let them fall and they obscure her vision as she shifts to stand, move, something...]

[The weight of the thought on her mind now is too heavy. She doesn't know how to deal with it.

If she had said these things outright... Would he still be alive?]

I'm... [A pause, a step, a noise that sounds like crying wants to keep happening but she doesn't want it to--] I'm so sorry.

[Snatching up her purse in a clumsy grip she runs to the door, not wanting to look back at him or knowing how to address this at all but he's right.

This is her fault.]

[It's a second after he's done, when he sees her face, does he realize what he's done. He got scared and lost his temper and yelled at Seles. He yelled and said something pretty cruel, whether or not the words had truth, to his little sister of all people. He's never yelled at her before, never raised his voice and yet-]

[And now she's running, he can only help but be stunned as he sees her run, guilt weighing down in his stomach. He has really hurt her. He went too far]

Seles, I-

[His words are so weak, he doesn't know what to say? I'm sorry? He's said that so many times like they were a charm, but the magic never worked. All he's done is make things worse]

[His words register, she hears them, but she doesn't stop. What good would her stopping do? She's a mess. She can't stop crying, and she caused all of this.

She's so selfish.

She needed to go off on her own and find out how to deal with this. Because right now? She had no idea, and she'd never heard Zelos yell like that. He must be so upset.

She doesn't want to upset him.

So ducking her head at the sound, she opens the door to run out, shutting it a little roughly behind her as well.]

[And like that, she's gone. The door was shut by the time he could say anything]

[It's just like Colette. He got so scared and frustrated that he lashed out. He hurt them in order to protect himself. Yet again he chased someone away with his temper. And this time, he had done it to the one person to mattered to him more than anything. Things had been going so well before today and now... ]

[Maybe she'll start hating him for real this time. The thought brings no comfort as he thought it would in the past]

[His chest tightens and he crumbles onto the ground fully. It hurts, everything hurts and he doesn't have a clue how to fix it. Everything he tries ends so miserably, he can't even think of what to do in the slightest. ]

[What was so great about living if it hurt this much?]

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