exsiliumlogs | (closed) often I lie wide awake

Entry tags:

(closed) often I lie wide awake

Date & Time: various throughout August.
Location: also various.
Characters: Ellie Linton & the poor suckers she plagues.
Summary: MANY THINGS just trying not to spam like a beast. Thread starters in comments.
Warnings: Ellie standard issue: PTSD, probably mentions of war/death/violence and language. I'll add if anything else comes up.

( So, six months ago Ellie Linton arrived in Exsilium with a fruit knife and bad temper.

She's lost the fruit knife, still has the temper, but that's just about softened off a little.
Fiona has been and gone; she misses the others like crazy, about as bad as her parents. She'd never have expected that. Even if they were like a second family, missing Homer or Fiona that much just hadn't occurred to her. That they aren't here is so difficult, but now she's got Steph and Collette, Cedric, the people who'd be ranked right up with the others. Exsilium has decent people that pull together, and sometimes she wonders what it would be like if she never had to go home.

If her parents could be here, and her mates from home, maybe she'd actually go for it. )

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( She needs the tea to counter the stress that is life with Ellie, let's be real.
When she wanders out, she grins at the sight of the tea. ) Huh. Got you pretty well trained, hey?

( Don't be a jerk, Ellie. She's just teasing, and the reminder of talking makes her sober a bit, glancing towards the bedroom. ) Yeah, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.

( She holds up just one of her fingers - one second - before disappearing behind the door, though she's stealing one of those aforementioned biscuits and popping it in her mouth as she moseys off. Some shorts, a t-shirt, et voila. ) These biscuits are great.

( Don't talk with your mouth full, loser. )

That's just what I want you to believe.

[Nevermind that doesn't make any sense, she's just talking shit because she doesn't know what else to say in the face of the worry eating away at her.

She carefully sips her tea while waiting for Ellie to getting back, managing a more genuine smile at the comment.]

Don't look at me, I didn't make 'em.

[Baking is not her strong point, though she's getting better.]

Edited 2013-08-29 10:54 (UTC)

( Whatever, Steph. Ellie is just going to steal another coo-- biscuit. Steal another biscuit. Idly, she bumps Steph with her shoulder, takes another bite. )

They aren't burned.

( So yeah, Steph didn't make them.

Okay no, she's just being a jerk. ) Okay, so. This uh, thing. ( That she mentioned. That she needs to say. )

[She punches Ellie's shoulder lightly, but doesn't say anything beyond that, because she really just wants to know what the fuck is going on.]

This thing, yeah?

[Trying to look like someone who isn't about to freak out or lose their temper, in case that's something that Ellie is worried about.]

( Just moving with the punch, and coming right back. ) Okay, all right. There's good news and bad news.

( Let's do this objectively, calmly. )

Remember how you told me to stay away from the Russian guy? Nikolai?

Edited 2013-08-29 11:01 (UTC)

[Steph grips her mug so hard that it slips from her hands, falling to the ground and shattering.

Her gaze never leaves Ellie.]

What did he do?

[She can't breathe, she doesn't care that there's hot tea on her hands or over her shoes, all that matters is Ellie.]

Jesus--

( That is not what she expected to happen. She's setting down her tea, grabbing one of the kitchen towels while her other hand takes Steph's wrist. )

Do you need cold water on that?

( A beat, and she realises Steph isn't going to relax, not focus on the burn factor until she clarifies. ) Nothing, okay? He didn't do anything.

[She nearly jerks away from Ellie's touch, which is stupid and she manages to force herself still, but for a moment she's back in Moscow with Nikolai holding her against him. She hates being scared.]

Then what?

[Ignoring anything else Ellie said, ignoring the pain in her hands, she needs to know.]

( Sometimes she wants to just shake her for being so bloody unreasonable about things. Never mind that she'd be the same way, that there are ways she reacts that Steph has juggled. )

He's gone! All right?

( Frustrated with her, even though she shouldn't be. A slow breath. More calmly, ) Bad news was that I went looking for him when I didn't see him for a while. Good news is he's gone.

( Right? )

[It's like she's a puppet with all her strings cut, the way she slumps with relief, grabbing at the bench for support even though it makes her hands sting.

She hates how relieved she is as much as she hates how scared she was, because it means that he can get to her, despite not even being in the same damn universe.]

Why the fuck did you go looking for him?

[Despite the words, her tone is flat, almost resigned.]

( Her hand drags down her face, before she's pushing her still-wet hair back. A long moment, and there's just a moment where she's holding her hand over Steph's back instead of touching her, before she let's her hand settle into contact. )

I wanted to make sure he was gone for sure. You know? Make sure he wasn't on a mission or spinning some bullshit to fuck with us.

( To fuck with people generally, but she wouldn't put it past him to do something just to fuck with Steph. )

[The touch sends a shudder through her, but she finally relaxes afterwards, letting out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding.]

Why did you go alone?

[Even if she didn't take Steph, she shouldn't have gone alone.]

It's not like I planned it.

( That probably doesn't help. ) It was just-- it was reconnaissance. That's all. I wasn't going to get involved if I found him.

( Never mind that she was sticking her nose in where it didn't belong, more than likely, and if he'd been around and found out--

It doesn't matter. She strokes her hand down Steph's back, and up again. ) Hey.

[She doesn't really believe that, but she doesn't want to argue the point, she doesn't want to fight about Nikolai of all fucking people.]

I should've killed him.

[Then and there, when he grabbed her. It would've have lasted, but maybe she wouldn't be so fucking scared of him.]

Why? So he could hang it over you that no matter what you did, he came back?

( Bullshit, Steph. )

I wouldn't have let him.

[But she's leaning down so her head's resting on the bench, because she just can't cope with being upright at the moment.]

( Good for you, she's say, harsh. Except it's Steph, so she bites he tongue. ) Come on.

( She's just going to try and bring one of Steph's arms around her shoulders, and loop an arm about Steph's waist so she can steer her towards-- well, sitting room or bedroom. Bedroom, maybe, just in case Jim turns up. )

[Her hands hurt.]

Yeah, I'm coming.

[A shaky breath, and she lets Ellie move her away from the kitchen, though she's got enough presence of mind to head towards their bedroom, since she really doesn't want Jim or Dinah to see her right now.]

( She should've thought this through more, should've told Steph that they'd chat in their room, but if she's being honest - and she loves to think that about herself - then she didn't really think it'd go down like this. Kind of like when they just dropped it on Kevin that they were bombing the airfield: words came, and the consequences were a bit beyond her.

One day, she'll learn. She's just not sure when, kicking herself as she nudges the door open. ) You all right?

( No, she rather suspects. )

I don't know.

[At least she's honest, and she's beelining straight to the bed, glad that's dressed down and doesn't have to worry about anything liek kicking off her shoes or jeans. She means to crawl under the covers, but she just ends up sitting on the side of the bed, feet on the floor, elbows on her knees and head in her hands.]

This is so fucking stupid.

[Reacting like this, the whole damn thing.]

You will be.

( She's not so good at this. Still, her voice is quiet, calm, and she nudges Steph's knees apart so she can kneel in front of her, hands sliding down Steph's arms. )

Hey. You're putting yourself through the wringer again, Steph.

Yeah.

[She will be, but she hates that she isn't okay now, because it means that Nikolai got to her, that he won with his stupid fucking games and trying to manipulate her.

She knows she's putting herself through the wringer, as Ellie puts it, but she doesn't know how to stop.]

This stuff isn't supposed to get to me.

[Not anymore. She's tired of being scared.]

( For a while, she just stays near Steph, let's silence draw out, studying her face and her hands and trying to figure where exactly she's coming from, what the levels of it are. A moment, and she licks her lips before speaking. )

Bullshit. You're a detective, Steph. If this stuff didn't get to you, you wouldn't be human, and that'd make for a pretty shitty detective. You gotta have empathy, right?

( Firmly, but not harsh, not heavy with the judgment she slings about so easily. It's different, for Steph. )

[Ellie's right and she knows it, but it's so hard to actually acknowledge that when she's spent so long being told she's not good enough, that she needs to do better.]

It shouldn't get to me like this. It shouldn't make me useless.

Jesus, you aren't useless.

( Okay, all right. She's going to ease back from her place on the floor, stepping onto the bed and claiming a place behind Steph, pulling her back into a hug. )

He was a piece of work. ( And all the times Ellie wasn't having fits of rage and going into meltdowns, back home, she was tearing herself up internally. After that, she felt like she was losing pieces. ) It's better to have reactions to stuff.

( More softly, spoken against Steph's shoulder. )

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(closed) often I lie wide awake

:c

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