exsiliumlogs | beneath the stars came falling on our heads

( His jaw tightens, heat flaring over his skin. Nothing visible, not even enough of a wave of heat for her to feel, but it's the kind of anger that happens when people get hurt. When he remembers Asteria hurting Max, getting creative tearing out their memories and stitching them into each others dreams.

Adonis is bleeding into Atlas. Atlas pushes him back down. She's saying it like it means nothing, but Max says things lightly all the time, buries things and hides them away.

And then she says that. Being nothing, and he wants to tell her that it's wrong, because being nothing is painful, it's full of desperation and being nothing means you're hollow. That you're some kind of void.

He says nothing, but keeps watching her, waiting for her to keep talking. )

[ It doesn't really matter if he hides it well because Ella can't tell. She's going There, that dark place in her mind she has barely looked at in two years, and the more she speaks the further she feels from the world. ]

What would you do if you knew the only way to save everything was to let yourself fade? Disappear, let something better and more powerful use you, burn you and forget you?

[ Ella blinks, her eyes suddenly burn. ]

I would do it, if I was asked. But I wasn't asked, I never had a choice, no liberty no nothing. I'm just...just the glorified puppet everyone likes to handle for their own goods. I thought I could forget about it here, just be a normal person, heck, a weird person even. [ She shakes her head slowly. ]

It haunts me constantly. And I either pretend all is good and joke around or whine to the first nice guy I meet. No wonder you remind me of Donny, I'm basically ruining any chances to have friends here.

( And his gaze drops. Because that was the solution, wasn't it? Not to let something more powerful use him, but to disappear. To be gone. Because that would save Max from Asteria. If he'd never been, that would have kept Max away from her completely, maybe. If he disappeared then it seems like so many things would be better.

But Ella is still talking, she has her own problems, and Atlas should be better than this. Atlas should help. He takes a step towards her, before he realizes what's coming, and it feels like somehow stepping into the words just made the force of them worse, that other name leaving a resounding sting across his chest, throat, like it stripped his skin raw.

No wonder you remind me of Donny. Atlas reminds her of Donny? Atlas reminds her of the-- the stupid coward? Atlas reminded her of that?

He has to cover it, moves closer by another step, cautiously laying a hand on her shoulder. What does he even do? There's no way for him to protect her from the things in her world. )

I'm sorry. ( But it's useless. It doesn't change anything. )

[ She would so punch Atlas for thinking like that of Donny, but she's too caught in her own stuff at the moment. Also, Ella can't read narrative.

She looks at him, and smiles a bit. It's a sad smile, but then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. And another. And another. Ten breaths later she looks relatively normal- the facade is back in place. ]

Okay, that was...liberating. Sad, I know. [ She pats him on the shoulder, her eyes full of apology. ] Don't feel bad because of me, alright? We all have stuff to deal with and I don't plan to let this get the best of me.

We should do this again though. But without less drama, don't you think?

Edited 2013-09-04 18:19 (UTC)

( Atlas isn't quite sure what to do with this situation, this apparent dumping of emotion, of all this important stuff and suddenly wrapping it up, locking it back away. It makes him think of the Sphinx, of the way she chains everything away, suppresses it. His mouth tugs into an unhappy frown. )

You don't have to lock it away all the time.

( He's a hypocrite, but the division is the only thing that makes him feel like Atlas can keep moving, functioning, despite the weakness that Donny bores into, a termite undermining the oak. )

It's not drama. It's important.

I know. I know.

{ Why is he still talking about it. She's done. Done. ]

I feel gross. Starting to cry right now is only going to make everything worse. You know what's ironic? I'm immune to nearly everything. Sometimes I think I get hungry because I'm scared that if I didn't I would stop being human. Just like breathing...or getting hungover.

[ She rubs her stomach. ] So I'm probably doing this to myself. Ever heard of a case of self-inflicted humanity?

[ Ella smiles, but it's forced, angry. ]

Can you do anything besides being an outstanding listener?

( It doesn't seem done. Shutting it down and ignoring it, that didn't mean it was done. That just meant it could fester, eat away at you. It could turn into something like decay, so that one day you go to move and just give in on yourself. Atlas frowns, watching her carefully. His gaze drops to his notes, and he writes the next one slowly, handing it over and sorry that writing forces him to turn his attention away from her for a second. )

The wanting to be human is the important part. If you forget about it, that's when you lose who you are.

( And just a shrug, a sort of that stuff doesn't matter. This is more important. )

It's not like I'm forgetting anytime soon.

[ A new side of Ella arises; anger. Her skin seems to flare for a moment, sending an oppressive wave of...something, as if gravity suddenly increased for no apparent reason. It lasts a second, but it's there. She closes her eyes and forces herself to remain in control. ]

I'm telling you stuff. It's only fair you share.

Edited 2013-09-07 17:36 (UTC)

( Tilting his head at the anger, at the weight that it brings with it, Atlas can't quite get himself to force a smile. Not in this situation, not with something so serious. If she hadn't sounded so miserable, so angry, he might have told her that sharing something with people under the expectation of making them share is a kind of shitty thing to do.

But Ella had been respectful of Donny, too, without pushing him to share after she spoke to him. And sometimes he wonders if the uniform is too much trouble, drawing attention and setting up expectations at it does. He's not hesitant so much as deliberately slow to respond, steady, and maybe the weighted delay is enough to suggest it, the look to say the comment was unnecessary.

He's all for equal exchange, and he'd not kept from commenting to hide anything from her or for secrecy, but the angry response makes him bristle. I will execute great vengeance on them with wrathful rebukes. Then they will know that I am the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon them. Wrathful rebukes can entail what exactly, when she's trying to hold onto her humanity? )

Earth and fire magic.

[ The worst part about fighting your very nature is that the moment you start fighting you are already losing.

The anger is short lived, but the self-recrimination will be there to last. She can make you love her, revere her, kneel before her and lick her shoes. She can, if she really wanted, if she let that power flow free and make her drunk with might, order you to die and you would end yourself in the spot. She thinks about it every single day of her life, and knows that is a losing fight.

Most people want power, but Ella knows what is power. She is power, and she wishes she didn't have it. Before coming to the island she was trying to find a way to get rid of it, but now she's stuck. Stuck and slowly losing the fight for her humanity.

Atlas' neutrality is both irritating and saddening, but other than the shame of letting that flare go Ella keeps herself collected. ]

Earth I can understand, sort of, but fire? Wouldn't air make more sense?

Edited 2013-09-07 22:34 (UTC)

( To his credit, despite the reminder of how he can't master his potential with air magic, get it to work at all, he doesn't react at all. It feels like a slap in the face, but she doesn't know. )

Why do you think it'd make more sense?

( Sometimes, it's just better to get people talking. )

Well...you're Atlas, right? You're all that is between the ground and the sky.

[ Wow, that sounds kind of cool. ]

Besides if you use fire you could- let me show you.

[ She extends her hands, holding one above the other. Waves of heat come from the lower one, while the other one...well, nothing can be seen, but a moment later a current of wind if formed between her hands. Dust and trash pick up speed and spin around the sudden gust of wind, and with a sweeping motion Ella throws it away, where it dies quickly enough.

She looks very pale, but somewhat excited. ]

Hey, you saw that? Hot air plus cold air equal wind currents. You should give it a try.

Atlas was the first Titan. He had to carry the sky, but he wasn't a master of it.

( It hurts, incredibly, and part of him is so angry with Ella for using the air like it's nothing, for doing what he can't do, what he struggles with. Tension is working through his shoulders and down his back, but his expression remains gentle. It's not her fault.

He still resents her a little bit, but he can temper his anger. )

My magic doesn't work that way. ( And then, one more note: ) Do you need help getting home?

[ That little stunt was tiring enough for her to be out of it to the point she's no longer reading the weather, seriously.

So she just brushes some hairs away. She has never thrown out before and she doesn't want to now.

Or maybe she does? Maybe this is punishment, maybe Atlas here is her mind snapping and trying to be helpful. She needs to slow down a bit.

And look, Ella is suddenly sliding down the wall. ]

I feel like crap. [ It's more a pained exhalation than a phrase. ]

( okay, Ella. With that, Atlas is crouching next to her, offering her his hand. )

How much would you object to be carried home? Do you live in the Initiative-issued housing?

I would blush if I felt like I had any blood left.

[ Siiiiiiiiigh. ]

Are you sure there's nothing more important you should be doing? You hardly know me and I'm sure I've already Ben an ass to you, somehow. I always kind of am.

( Okay, one more note. ) You haven't done anything to worry about. Unfortunately, I'm just going to have to be a listener again for a while.

( And he's slipping the notes back into his utility, before he brings her arm around his shoulders, and scoops her up. Bridal carry, for the win. Off to housing they go, with her noble steed. )

[ She just lets him carry her. He's...touching her so much, it should weird her out. She's been too paranoid about that since forever but, Atlas feels strangely safe.

Is just then when Ella realizes she had enough blood in her to blush, actually. ]

Okay no, drop me in the floor and drag me by a leg.

[ She says this as she rests her head on his shoulder. Great. ]

( In his defence, he did ask before scooping her up. He glances at her, shakes his head a little, and huffs a silent laugh. Nope, no dragging. Unfortunately, he has to keep walking in silence, but at least he can communicate a little, eyebrows raising a little as he looks at her and keeps moving - fast as possible without jostling her, making her feel worse. )

[ When has a girl said yes and then said no? Besides half the time, that is?

She's just going to huff in response and make herself comfortable. ]

Dude, you work out. I've kind of wished for something like this to happen, but not like...this.

[ Her brain to mouth filter is currently off. ]

( Atlas shrugs as best he can in the circumstances, a sort of, eh, here and there sort of gesture, a little comical. "Here and there" meaning hours every day, but whatever.

Another glance her way, just to make sure that she's okay, comfortable, just to see if there's any problems, if she'd rather walk. Even so, she didn't really seem in a state where that was going to be easy. Just in case she was serious about wanting to be put down, he's checking in.

Also he's really glad that he shaved this morning. Maybe he should put more of an effort into keeping Atlas less stubbly for less overlap with Adonis. )

[ She just stares for a moment, the blush finally dying down. Superheroes, huh. It shouldn't be such a difficult thing to wrap her head around, but she was expecting something a lot less nice.

Ella feels relatively alright, but she identifies the feeling as the same she had when she decided her room was closing in on her earlier that day. That's a bad sign, it's just her anxiety making her want to run. Where is she going to run anyway?

For now she'll focus on being happy about not vomiting all over her dashing savior. ]

So I take it you're not a big talker, sure. Fine. You have to have an easier way to communicate than notes. ASL? Now I'm wishing I had actually had the balls to talk with the one deaf student in my classroom.

[ All she knew were a couple of curse words, but Ella didn't even curse in English. ]

( This is getting a little ridiculous, it's true. He's not generally a taxi service, except over short distances. His brow is a little furrowed, before he mouths, ) I use ASL.

( Very slowly, to see if she can follow, and then a tilt of his head. Do you? Not that it helps much when he's carrying her, but even so.

And that's interesting, but makes his expression sober a little. No one liked to be isolated, and it always seemed to happen to the people who needed to communicate differently. That's what it felt like, even with something like his stammer. )

[ Ella mouths the words back. Is he really mute? She has the temptation to pinch him and see if he makes a sound, but she realizes how stupid that would be. ]

Oh, you use ASL. Way better than the notes I bet. I remember looking for books about that back home.

[ She won't tell him the deaf guy had more friends than her. ]

Let me stand. I promise not to puke.

( All right. When she makes her request, he slowly - carefully - sets her down, checking that she's steady on her feet and offering his arm in case she needs a few moments to make sure she's all good. With his free arm, he signs: )

Can you understand ASL?

beneath the stars came falling on our heads

I have narrowly saved myself from doing that on my phone so many times

I usually realize the mistake but alas

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iPod why you torture me so

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