exsiliumlogs | I paint the pictures // of the oceans // I've never seen

Entry tags:

I paint the pictures // of the oceans // I've never seen

Date & Time: 7/20, middle of the night
Location: Unit 107
Characters: A squishy soldier and his commanding officer
Summary: Nightmares, oops
Warnings: Uh, Shepard is a poor, tortured soul. Hideous nightmare things.

[It's not the first time she's been here, in this empty space. Is it much of a nightmare if one can recognize it as such? But that doesn't matter, not here, not to Shepard. Her breath comes out in shallow pants, almost a roar in her ears, and she wishes that it was the only sound in this forest. Wishes that she could drown out the cries and whispers that seem to not only surround and cloak her, but get inside of her head. Her fingers curl in towards her palms, nails digging into calloused skin. Even the pain is not enough to stop the nightmare before it's truly begun.

In the distance is the boy. Standing there. Waiting.

Her body feels heavy as she moves one foot, and then the other follows it. She doesn't know why she's going after him, just that she needs to. To escape, maybe. To leave behind the voices that only seem to follow her anyway.

She hears Ash's voice louder than the other whispers, calling out to her. Her eyes close briefly. Ash isn't there, isn't here. It's all in your head, Shepard. All in your head. But she knows it's not, not really. These are her ghost, her haunts. The people who have died because of her, letting her know that they've never truly left.

Like the boy who runs as she approaches.

The woman pauses, taking a shuddering breath as a wisp brushes over her face, her name sliding over her. Alice.

It's not Ash this time. It's her mother.

Run, Alice.

She's sixteen years old, and her mother takes her by the shoulders. Their eyes connect briefly before her mother is shoving her away. Run, she screams, and behind her mother is the broken corpse of her father. I'll distract them.

She was too stunned to plead for her mother to stay with her. She ran instead, like she tries to run now, hand outstretched towards the boy. Why can't she catch him? Why is he here when there are so many other people she could be running after?

The screech of the reaper blares, and she screams--

--as her face collides with the bedroom floor, blankets wrapped around her legs, nose aching from the impact.

Shepard lies there, panting, not moving to check if she's bleeding, not caring if that's why her face is damp (it's not; that's because of the sweat and tears, actually).]

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[Kaidan's always been sensitive to noise, even without the migraines, and the recent events both back home and at Exsilium haven't dulled that any. The thrashing from the other room is what wakes him up initially, and he's sitting up before it registers that it's Shepard, and that she's probably - well. It's not his place to interrupt.

But then she screams, and Kaidan has long since conditioned himself not to ignore anyone making that kind of sound, but this woman in particular. If it's nothing, she can laugh at him later; he's willing to risk that.

He can't say how it is that he gets to her door so fast, but it's unlocked so he shoves it open.] Shepard? [She's not in the bed, and a frission of panic slides through him. Not bothering with the light switch, he does a small mnemonic, lighting up the room with biotics.

She's on the floor. He's there in an instant, heedless of the fact that this time he's the one in a state of undress (not having bothered with a shirt for bed). Once it's clear she's not injured, he hesitates, not crouching down like he'd been planning on her. It occurs to him that she'd probably rather he wasn't there right now] Hey. [Fuck it. He crouches down so he's on her level] It's just me.

I'm fine. [Her words come out more in a growl than she intends to make it, but she wasn't expecting anyone. Nobody's ever there when she has her nightmares. They're usually more manageable than this, but lately...

Ever since Earth.

Shepard squeezes her eyes shut, forces herself to calm down, slow her breathing, slow her racing heart.

When she opens them, Kaidan's still there, peering down at her.

Fuck. Nobody is ever here when she has her nightmares, and that's the way she likes it. She doesn't know why tonight's different, why this one was so much more vivid than usual. Maybe it's because it's the first night she hasn't gone to bed drunk, drowning it all out.] Major, if you wanted to get into my room at night so bad, you should have asked. [It's supposed to be a joke. Hell, it's supposed to sound like one.

But it comes out in a gruff, strained voice.

She sighs and sits up, untangling herself from the blanket and wiping a hand over her face.]

[He's not taken aback by the tone, not really. This is Shepard, and if there's one thing she hates it's showing weakness. Not that Kaidan considers nightmares a weakness, but he knows she doesn't feel the same way.

Her words sting more than embarrass, and the look on his face is distinctly unimpressed. He swallows back the acerbic response that comes to mind, and simply waits for her to move. Her face looks eerie in the light of his biotics, but that doesn't bother him.] I thought...[a hesitation] I had to make sure you weren't being attacked. Call it paranoia.

Edited 2012-07-20 08:36 (UTC)

[More than showing weakness, she doesn't want anyone to know just how deep the damage goes, even now. The screams still echo in her head with a horrific beat.

She winces at the look, an apology on her lips before it dies quickly. Still, there's a flash of regret on her face that can be seen even in the light of his biotics.] Why would I be attacked in our apartment?

[Her rocks back, letting himself sit properly instead of crouching awkwardly. Even in the weird light he's created, he can see the look of regret flicker across her face, and instantly feels bad. His expression softens a little, and when he speaks, his tone is dry] You're asking me this after we both got dragged to this place across universes from Mars?

[She presses her back up against the best, carefully touching her nose now. No blood, but it's sore. Well, she guesses that's what happens when you pitch yourself to the floor and get acquainted it with a little too intimately.]

Kaidan... When have I ever screamed in a fight? [Flattest look.]

[He ducks his head, rubbing that back of his head] You know, I told myself I'd probably look exactly this stupid. [And then his head lifts, and she gets slammed with Awkward Puppy Dog Kaidan Look right in the face] Didn't want to take my chances, I guess.

[Fuck. Fuck you, Kaidan. You don't get to give her that look. You're not the one all sweaty and tearful and smashing your nose into the carpet.

She doesn't say these things. In fact, she basically just sighs.] You don't look stupid, but there was just... I'm fine. Probably just something I ate.

[Her gaze flickers over to him for a moment.] I can take care of myself.

Shepard... [He breaks off, looks away, sighs. Runsa hand through his hair, which is already dishevelled from sleep and not in its usual meticulous style.] I won't push, but I'm also not stupid. This-- [He looks back at her, waving the hand that isn't holding a ball of energy around to indicate the situation] This isn't fine.

[He meets her eyes] I know that. This isn't me trying to take care of you. [He doesn't say what it is]

I fell out of bed. People fall out of beds all the time. It's a thing that happens. [But even she doesn't sound too convinced. She's tired, upset, shaken. The fact is that she's always been sort of alone, at least for the last sixteen years.

That's just what you had to do to toughen up and move on. Forget shit, let it slide, don't talk about it.]

I don't know, rushing into my room without thinking in order to protect me from a would-be assailant is a little like taking care of me.

Okay, Shepard. [He's really not going to push her on that detail if that's what she's going to insist on, but his tone makes it pretty clear he doesn't believe her shitty lie.]

No, that - that's making sure you're okay. Taking care of you would be if I picked you up and put you back into bed and pulled the covers up for you. [That's not going to happen.

Okay he would totally do that, but it's not going to happen]

[She sighs.] People have nightmares, Kaidan. [How's that for the truth, then?] I'd be more concerned about people like us if they didn't have a nightmare or two every now and then.

[One eyebrow cocks.] Assuming that I'd even let you get that far as tucking me into bed. [She stretches her legs out now, bumping him slightly as she does.] Would you fetch me a glass of warm milk and read me a bedtime story, too?

[Better, tbh. Something in his demeanour relaxes slightly when she says it, although he couldn't put his finger on exactly why] People like us, huh? [He does have nightmares. Less, since she was brought back.

He shakes his head] I know you don't need taking care of. [A slow breath in, and then out again] Having your back is something else. [He's seen you die once already. Forgive him if he's a little touchy when it comes to this woman being in danger]

Soldiers. People who have seen war and death and been the cause for it. [There's a slight, upward quirk of her lips as she says that. She's not sure if other people have nightmares like her own, the voices of thousands weighing down on them, but she knows that it's hard for anyone to carry demons.]

Maybe I do. [She says that softly, under her breath as an afterthought. It's true though. Not in the sense that she can't do anything for herself, but it's hard to be alone.] Right. I forgot about the fine line that divides it. [She just sounds tired at this point, unsure. Another sigh as she runs her fingers through her disheveled hair.]

[Maybe I do. He doesn't address the first part of what she says, because those words arrest his attention immediately. There's a pause, before he reaches out and lays a solid, comforting hand on her shoulder. If he's honest with himself, what he really wants to do is take her in his arms and not let go, but that's not - he can't. It'd be overstepping too far.]

You're not doing any of this on your own, Alice. [The use of her first name is accidental, slips out before he can stop himself. Outwardly, his expression barely flickers.]

[Her gaze flickers to the hand on her shoulder, and there's a moment where she considers flicking his touch away with a roll of her shoulders. Sympathy, pity, worry. The moment passes, however, and she just gives a wry smile in return. It's more than she expected. More than she's been given.]

I- [And then it registers that he's said her name. Her mother's voice echoes, sounding distant, vague.] Sometimes I forget that I'm not just Shepard.

[A quiet smile of his own flickers in response. Her words make his heart ache a little bit]

Our universe has put a lot of pressure on you. [And then almost without his saying so, his hand leaves her shoulder and reaches up, brushing her hair carefully back off her face. Maybe it's overstepping, but the past few months - Earth, being imprisoned together, making up - have caused a shift in their relationship. Whatever vestiges of professionalism that were left between them seem to have slipped away.] If it - if it helps at all, I don't. Forget that, I mean.

Edited 2012-07-21 01:42 (UTC)

It's not like I've ever said no. [Because she's making up for being weak and unable to save anyone before. Because every life that is saved through her actions begins to make up for every death she can't prevent. She doesn't say that, though. Those are her own thoughts, and she doesn't need for anyone to tell her how they feel about them.

Not even Kaidan.

She stills when he brushes her hair back, any rhetoric quickly dying before she can fully form it. It takes a few moments before she can choke out some words.] You're saying a lot there, Major.

That doesn't mean it can't weigh on you.

[His hand stills when she does, before his fingers curl in on themselves and he withdraws it. There's a faint cough, and the light of his biotics wobbles slightly.] I don't think it's any secret that you're important to me.

I'm not inhuman. [Which is code for yes, yes it does. A lot.

She watches him still, smiling softly.] I'm important to a lot of people, Kaidan. That doesn't mean they know me as anything but Shepard still. [It bothers her sometimes, and it pushes her always. To be better and stronger.]

Exactly.

[He ducks his head again] That's not what I meant. I - that is, not to invalidate how anyone else feels - I just-- [a heavy sigh as he tries to make his mouth work] I'm not the type for putting anyone on a pedestal. You've done some amazing things. And then you...occasionally fall out of the bed, you know?

[Oh, Kaidan. Still the same as ever, which is reassuring. Comforting.

Which is something that Shepard doesn't know what to really feel about. So she tries to push it aside for the time being, to think about everything when he's not staring her in the face, stumbling over his words.] And if you tell anyone about that, you're going to have some words with my fist.

[A chuckle] It'll be our secret.

[There's a pause, before she gets a Very Serious Kaidan Expression for her troubles] Look, I know that there's - things haven't exactly been smooth sailing between us all the way. But if you need to talk about things that are bothering it, I'm not going to end up with some drastically altered worldview of who you are and where we stand, okay?

[Oh, we're being serious again? She sighs without meaning to. How does someone who doesn't really talk about herself begin to start?]

You don't need to be bothered with my problems, Kaidan. They're not even that big of a deal. [Says the woman who just had a nightmare.]

[He lifts a shoulder in a shrug] I won't push, if that's what you're going to insist on. But you're a friend, and...if you're having problems, I'd be a pretty bad one if I wasn't concerned, don't you think?

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