exsiliumlogs | [closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

Date & Time: Late night/early morning on the 20th
Location: A rooftop
Characters: Stephanie Brown and Helena Bertinelli
Summary: It turns out having a sentient weapon kind of sucks when you're having a crisis of identity
Warnings: Talk of violence/murder

And when I saw you with that gun, I thought... you know, that's not Stephanie. That's not Batgirl, either. I didn't know who I was looking at.

[The words stick with her, the truth of them is almost cloying, like she could choke and drown on it. It hurts to think about, to know that Saul is right but to now know what the solution to the problem is. All she can see is losing herself further, giving more of herself to this war until there's nothing left, because maybe that means that Ellie won't have to, that Collette or Saul or Dinah or Babs can still be themselves. If this is a sacrifice she has to make for the people she loves, then so be it. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it easier to bear, the reminder that she's doing this for a reason, that she's still protecting the people she loves.

It's something to cling to, when she feels so selfish the rest of the time, when she keeps making so many wrong choices in her personal life, lying to Ellie to try to spare her feelings, telling Saul she loves him even though they both know nothing can ever come of it, avoiding everyone from home because it's too hard to face them. She's selfish, and she's a killer, and all of it hurts, but she doesn't know how to do anything else, any more.

She feels like she's suffocating, like she needs air, so Steph grabs her Batgirl suit and pulls it on, planning to head out for a few hours. She's so desperate to get out into the open air that she doesn't really take a look at her uniform, doesn't notice the way the symbol on her chest has started to fade, the yellow dulled, as if it's gone through the wash too many times. All she does is leave a note for Ellie and slip out the window, firing her grapple gun and letting it pull her out into the night.

Usually, when she needs to forget for a little while, she can spend hours flying through the air, twisting and flipping across rooftops, but she needs to be careful tonight; the gash on her thigh is already healing too slowly, she doesn't want to risk opening it up again. She flies, but it's not enough, and before long she finds herself coming to rest on a rooftop, because she can't focus on a grapple line when her thoughts are swirling so darkly. Too much has happened for her to forget it, even for a little while, and in the end she finds herself on the edge of the roof, knees curled up to her chest as she watches the city through the rain. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend there's a gargoyle next to her, though she doesn't speak out loud like she might back home.

She wonders what Gotham would think of her, now, with blood on her hands. God knows the city isn't forgiving, but there's part of Steph that thinks of Gotham welcoming Jason back, and she can only pray her city will do the same for her.

Even if she can't be Batgirl, even if Bruce and Cass and Tim wouldn't recognize the person she is now, she has to believe her city would welcome her home.

If it doesn't, there's nothing else left.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( She doesn't appreciate the tone. She doesn't appreciate Bats talking as if they know better than she does, dismissing her even if that's not what Stephanie is meaning to do. Lightness is mockery. It's not taking her words seriously

There's a few people. Fine, then. The Huntress' opinion was neither welcomed, nor is it apparently necessary. )

Suit yourself.

( And she's moving to go. )

Oh-- [She sighs, though it's directed at herself, rather than Helena.] Come on, Huntress, I didn't mean it like that.

[Not that she's exactly sure how Helena took it, she just didn't mean it in a way that requires walking away from her.

But Helena was trying to help her, and Steph doesn't want to end the conversation like this.]

Leave it, Batgirl.

( She is a bat, through and through. Didn't mean it like that? What was it meant to mean, then?

Huntress keeps moving, unhooking her grappling gun as she walks in long strides. Bats had to learn there were consequences, that the Huntress wouldn't always come crawling back. )

[Goddammit.

She's going to jog after Helena, speaking quickly because she's worried Helena is about to completely bail on her, and then she won't be able to fix things:]

I'm shit at this, okay? [All of this; people caring about her and trying to respond to that, but she's working on it.] Most of the time I just deal with a problem by running until it can't catch up with me, but I'm not-- [another sigh] I don't want people to worry about me, you included, and it's not 'cause I don't appreciate it, it's just 'cause I don't know how to handle it.

'Cause you don't know how to handle it?

( A sneer, lip curled back cruelly, though she does nothing to turn and face Stephanie. ) Congratulations. You're a real bat, complete with a screwed up capacity for emotions. You can take home your symbol and polish it up just like new.

( Speaking over her shoulder, just about. It's audible, but unless Stephanie moves to overtake her or stand in front of her, she's going to keep moving. ) I'm sure Batman's ability to handle his emotions is exactly why he's the head of such a happy family.

( it was clear after No Man's Land, after knowing Barbara better, after seeing Dick so young and so idealistic. They were all totally fucked. )

[What the fuck, Helena?

That hurts enough that she stops in her tracks, before moving again, quickening her pace, trying to at least put herself even with Helena.]

Sorry for spending most of my life with no one giving a shit about me!

[She's not sure what makes her angrier; the comparison to Bruce, or what feels like a dismissal of everything she's been through.]

I'm trying! Really hard, and I'm sorry if I said something that wasn't cool, but you don't get to throw this back in my face like that!

[Especially not when Helena isn't exactly all that emotionally healthy, but Steph doesn't point that out, because it'd be a dick move.]

Edited 2013-10-18 11:52 (UTC)

( Yeah, 'cause that's unusual where we come from. Despite every antagonistic fibre in her, she can't say that.She hates the words as they're threatening to spill out of her, but she wants to make herself burn, to tear off her own skin. She wants Stephanie to hate her, she wants all of them to hate her and press her away and stop pretending like she could be one of them when it's lies layered over lies, and she's been drowning in them her entire life.

That's melodramatic, right? The difference is that Stephanie has people who care, now. Helena has people who tolerate her. Robin doesn't trust her, and he hadn't even known who the Huntress was before he met her. The people who liked her were the ones who hadn't seen all sides of her, and for that they may as well have seen nothing at all. )

I said leave it. ( And Stephanie pursued. That wasn't on her. She'd tried to warn her away from her own sharpness. )

You want to make yourself feel better? Or do you want to wallow in how bad and messed up you are?

Did you even listen to me!?

[It's not really a question, because if Helena's asking that question, she already knows the answer.

She literally just said that she's trying to be better about this, trying to let people in and let them help her. It's really fucking hard, but she's doing her best, even if she's starting to wonder if it's too late.]

Do I fucking seem like someone who wallows?

[She's pretty sure she doesn't. She lets her indulge in her anger and frustration, will give herself time to be upset about something, but she doesn't wallow.

That would be letting the world win, and that's the last thing she wants to do.]

( That's better. It'll get easier for Batgirl to hate her, gradually. The bridges might be slow to go up, but they will.

Helena doesn't pause, doesn't even look back to Stephanie as she points with her grappling gun, sends it whistling through the air and hooking into some chimney far off, high up. )

You seem like you brush off everything other people say and then go scrambling when there are consequences.

( Unless they're the right people. What can Helena say? She's been guilty of that, herself. Might be why she's always been better suited to working alone. )

You say that when you were determined to think the worst of yourself. Stop picking whatever's convenient.

I went scrambling because I thought I upset you, and that wasn't what I wanted to do!

[So sure, maybe those are consequences, but it wasn't like she was trying to cover her own ass, she was worried about upsetting Helena when the other woman had just tried to help her.

Now she's wishing she'd just let Helena walk away, if all she was going to get for her effort was this.]

You know what, fuck it. [Helena's about to leave, anyway, so what does it matter?] Thank you for talking to me, Huntress, I appreciate it, but we're done for now.

[Even in her anger, she can say thank you for Helena's help, she's just not listening to this anymore.

Before Helena has a chance to grapple off, Steph turns and starts to walk away.]

( they were done a while ago, but she humours Stephanie's need to get the last word in. That sort of thing never really means much.

With not so much as a glance in Steph's direction, Helena's gone, snapping through the air. )

[closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject