controlledvariable: (Batgirl -- My best gargoyle impression)
(ง︡'-'︠)ง ([personal profile] controlledvariable) wrote in [community profile] exsiliumlogs2013-09-21 05:59 pm

[closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

Date & Time: Late night/early morning on the 20th
Location: A rooftop
Characters: Stephanie Brown and Helena Bertinelli
Summary: It turns out having a sentient weapon kind of sucks when you're having a crisis of identity
Warnings: Talk of violence/murder


And when I saw you with that gun, I thought... you know, that's not Stephanie. That's not Batgirl, either. I didn't know who I was looking at.

[The words stick with her, the truth of them is almost cloying, like she could choke and drown on it. It hurts to think about, to know that Saul is right but to now know what the solution to the problem is. All she can see is losing herself further, giving more of herself to this war until there's nothing left, because maybe that means that Ellie won't have to, that Collette or Saul or Dinah or Babs can still be themselves. If this is a sacrifice she has to make for the people she loves, then so be it. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it easier to bear, the reminder that she's doing this for a reason, that she's still protecting the people she loves.

It's something to cling to, when she feels so selfish the rest of the time, when she keeps making so many wrong choices in her personal life, lying to Ellie to try to spare her feelings, telling Saul she loves him even though they both know nothing can ever come of it, avoiding everyone from home because it's too hard to face them. She's selfish, and she's a killer, and all of it hurts, but she doesn't know how to do anything else, any more.

She feels like she's suffocating, like she needs air, so Steph grabs her Batgirl suit and pulls it on, planning to head out for a few hours. She's so desperate to get out into the open air that she doesn't really take a look at her uniform, doesn't notice the way the symbol on her chest has started to fade, the yellow dulled, as if it's gone through the wash too many times. All she does is leave a note for Ellie and slip out the window, firing her grapple gun and letting it pull her out into the night.

Usually, when she needs to forget for a little while, she can spend hours flying through the air, twisting and flipping across rooftops, but she needs to be careful tonight; the gash on her thigh is already healing too slowly, she doesn't want to risk opening it up again. She flies, but it's not enough, and before long she finds herself coming to rest on a rooftop, because she can't focus on a grapple line when her thoughts are swirling so darkly. Too much has happened for her to forget it, even for a little while, and in the end she finds herself on the edge of the roof, knees curled up to her chest as she watches the city through the rain. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend there's a gargoyle next to her, though she doesn't speak out loud like she might back home.

She wonders what Gotham would think of her, now, with blood on her hands. God knows the city isn't forgiving, but there's part of Steph that thinks of Gotham welcoming Jason back, and she can only pray her city will do the same for her.

Even if she can't be Batgirl, even if Bruce and Cass and Tim wouldn't recognize the person she is now, she has to believe her city would welcome her home.

If it doesn't, there's nothing else left.]
crossbearing: (witty time pun)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 08:59 am (UTC)(link)
( The terrible thing about Batman is that he's probably right about her. She'd thought it before, but arriving in Exsilium and becoming more thoroughly acquainted with what people here have been pushed to do and the ruthless efficiency with which she is prepared to carry it through had been a sharp reminder. Her soul had been lost a long time before she ever came to Exsilium. Nothing that came to pass here or at home could even out the scales.

When Batman said she was dangerous, unstable, insane, not to be counted on, that she was vicious and a murderer, when he suspected that she'd be like the rest of her family, he might have been right. In fact, she knew he had been.

There's the familiar movements of Stephanie Brown, and Helena pursues coming to stand alongside her. )


Long time no see. ( Probably not that long, actually. Helena is just bad at... greetings. )
crossbearing: (pic#6498319)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 09:16 am (UTC)(link)
( That's weird. Things are always weird in Exsilium, but Stephanie not hearing her approach is a different kind of weird, when she wasn't making any particular effort to be silent. )

What's up?

( With a frown. She hasn't caught sight of the Bat, just yet. )
crossbearing: (Default)

that icon just looks like the most intense teenage sulking

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 09:31 am (UTC)(link)
( Tired. Right, okay.

She's halfway to whipping out some truly staggering sass, when she notices the symbol across Stephanie's chest, turning to face her more fully to scrutinise her uniform. It doesn't look like basic wear and tear style fading, it's so dramatic. )
What did you do to your uniform?

( She's surprised, a little... weirded out, truth be told. She didn't exactly see that coming, not when she'd been letting some people just call her the Bat, outright. )
crossbearing: (why do i have costume boomerangs)

this is myyyy ciiitttyyyy

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 09:41 am (UTC)(link)
Hey. Hey. ( Obviously, that's not a thing that's meant to have happened. Her mind is running through the possibilities, but Stephanie looks freaked out, sounds worse. Helena's hand is resting on her shoulder in a moment, trying to catch her focus.

Just as well Stephanie is already looking at her. )
I'm on your side.

( I didn't do anything, like she has to defend herself to the Huntress, of all people. Silence, for a moment, and she's glad it's broken by the rain because she can't imagine what it would be like without it, trying to breathe in the void. ) We should talk.
crossbearing: (that's it i warned you about meryl)

grumpybat!!!

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 10:23 am (UTC)(link)
( God damn it. Helena doesn't have time to even let herself be exasperated, because she has to pursue Stephanie. No matter what's happened, what the details are, she doesn't feel like leaving her alone after that set up is going to mean anything good at all. As much as she wants to vault onto her bike, this doesn't seem like the moment for a motor chase, so she's moving on foot, leaping and rushing through the air with her own grapple gun, trying to make a guess as to possible routes Stephanie will take.

Suffice to say there are probably some dislodged tiles, dramatic rolls and impressive leaps in this story. But, gentle reader, we are skipping ahead to the point where Helena starts to feel a little tired of this; she draws her grapple gun again, takes careful aim, and watches as it tangles around Stephanie's ankle mid-leap. She keeps hold of the gun as she approaches, watching as Stephanie swings, and doing nothing to release her from the suspension, for a moment. )


Are you done?
crossbearing: (pic#6415312)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 10:40 am (UTC)(link)
Depends.

( She can take note of the injury without too much trouble, eyeing Stephanie carefully but making no move to free her yet. )
crossbearing: (hang on i may swoon)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 10:53 am (UTC)(link)
( Helena's not a total dick, thankfully. While she might, on a day when Stephanie doesn't sound so ragged, just let her drop to the ground, she opts to lower her down instead. )

No, but so many people are avoiding talking to me right now, I'm starting to take it personally.

( It could be an exaggeration, or it could just be that Helena "social leper" Bertinelli has struck again. Who knows. Regardless, she's offering Stephanie a hand up. )
crossbearing: (looming: perfected)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 11:12 am (UTC)(link)
( Part of her finds that it stings, having her hand ignored. Another part wants to utter mature at Stephanie, but a third ignores both of those impulses. )

Why wouldn't you deserve the Bat?

( It's a powerful symbol, tapping into the very heart of Gotham, the way the people think of her, of themselves. The Bat carries them through things that they struggle to survive. As much as Helena despises the Bat, that dependence on it, she understands it. The Bat was what inspired her to fight against her family in the first place, a long time ago. To hear Vic talk, you'd think Batman was her father, rather than a never-ending thorn in her side. )

Not talking about it, wow. That's going to help. It's gone really well for you so far. ( To let it get to this stage and not come to anyone for help. )
crossbearing: (these earrings are back up weapons)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 11:28 am (UTC)(link)
We're in a warzone. They took our people, we killed to get them back. There was a world burning - you killed to try and save it. ( Sharp. ) You have killed because your hand has been pushed.

( Slower, like that might help it sink in, although she's not holding her breath. ) The difference between us is that I killed because I wanted to, and you did it because you're at war.

( They've both had something stripped away from them by Batman for not following orders, but it was Helena who was the murderer. Stephanie might be a criminals daughter, but at home, she'd not been reduced to Helena's level. Not yet. ) You're still Batgirl. You still deserve that symbol, even if I don't think you need it. This is not his city. The same rules don't apply.
crossbearing: (put them in the burn book)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 11:40 am (UTC)(link)
And what would have happened if you hadn't?

( Arguing that it was right to kill won't work, because it never works, there's never a good enough reason. What she does do, is take a step closer to Stephanie. )

Have you even thought about what it means that you care?
crossbearing: (but j.law is fabulous i agree)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 11:52 am (UTC)(link)
Answer the question!

( She won't back down, either. ) What would have happened if you hadn't killed them? What would the consequences have been?

( No. If it hadn't been done, and something had gone wrong, then they'd be tearing themselves apart for the lives lost on their side. ) I means that you have a conscience, that you can do better in the future. It means that you have a reason to keep fighting, because you still value life.
crossbearing: (WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-21 12:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Bullshit. Is this what you'd say to anyone else? "You were fighting a war, but you should have tried harder?" ( She doesn't move closer, though she wants to. ) Or are you scared what he'd say?

( Because it's the Bat that fading, because he's the one with the rules. Is she scared about war, about what it means to her as a vigilante, or is she scared because of Batman? )
crossbearing: (pic#6498291)

[personal profile] crossbearing 2013-09-23 10:53 am (UTC)(link)
If she's your friend at all then she'll understand. ( Barked out, harsher than it should be. She doesn't move away, doesn't pull back. Just breathes, lets her words soften. ) You aren't in Gotham.

( This is war, and everything changes, instantly. This is an extraordinary circumstance. ) You didn't kill before you got here.

( Maybe there had been temptations, maybe there had been times where Helena would say that she should have. But Helena is the bad one, the rotten one. If Stephanie thinks she's reprehensible for killing in war, then what must she think of Helena?

That's not the point, and it's not anything new. )
This changes you, but it doesn't mean you aren't Batgirl any more.
Edited 2013-09-23 10:56 (UTC)

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-23 14:14 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-24 01:32 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-24 01:49 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-26 05:00 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:00 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:05 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:16 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:21 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:29 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 10:36 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 11:08 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 11:40 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 12:03 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-09-29 12:23 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-05 10:02 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-07 02:27 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-09 10:13 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-17 11:27 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-18 10:41 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-18 11:08 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-18 12:05 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-18 12:25 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

[personal profile] crossbearing - 2013-10-18 14:18 (UTC) - Expand