exsiliumlogs | [closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

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[closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

Date & Time: Late night/early morning on the 20th
Location: A rooftop
Characters: Stephanie Brown and Helena Bertinelli
Summary: It turns out having a sentient weapon kind of sucks when you're having a crisis of identity
Warnings: Talk of violence/murder

And when I saw you with that gun, I thought... you know, that's not Stephanie. That's not Batgirl, either. I didn't know who I was looking at.

[The words stick with her, the truth of them is almost cloying, like she could choke and drown on it. It hurts to think about, to know that Saul is right but to now know what the solution to the problem is. All she can see is losing herself further, giving more of herself to this war until there's nothing left, because maybe that means that Ellie won't have to, that Collette or Saul or Dinah or Babs can still be themselves. If this is a sacrifice she has to make for the people she loves, then so be it. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it easier to bear, the reminder that she's doing this for a reason, that she's still protecting the people she loves.

It's something to cling to, when she feels so selfish the rest of the time, when she keeps making so many wrong choices in her personal life, lying to Ellie to try to spare her feelings, telling Saul she loves him even though they both know nothing can ever come of it, avoiding everyone from home because it's too hard to face them. She's selfish, and she's a killer, and all of it hurts, but she doesn't know how to do anything else, any more.

She feels like she's suffocating, like she needs air, so Steph grabs her Batgirl suit and pulls it on, planning to head out for a few hours. She's so desperate to get out into the open air that she doesn't really take a look at her uniform, doesn't notice the way the symbol on her chest has started to fade, the yellow dulled, as if it's gone through the wash too many times. All she does is leave a note for Ellie and slip out the window, firing her grapple gun and letting it pull her out into the night.

Usually, when she needs to forget for a little while, she can spend hours flying through the air, twisting and flipping across rooftops, but she needs to be careful tonight; the gash on her thigh is already healing too slowly, she doesn't want to risk opening it up again. She flies, but it's not enough, and before long she finds herself coming to rest on a rooftop, because she can't focus on a grapple line when her thoughts are swirling so darkly. Too much has happened for her to forget it, even for a little while, and in the end she finds herself on the edge of the roof, knees curled up to her chest as she watches the city through the rain. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend there's a gargoyle next to her, though she doesn't speak out loud like she might back home.

She wonders what Gotham would think of her, now, with blood on her hands. God knows the city isn't forgiving, but there's part of Steph that thinks of Gotham welcoming Jason back, and she can only pray her city will do the same for her.

Even if she can't be Batgirl, even if Bruce and Cass and Tim wouldn't recognize the person she is now, she has to believe her city would welcome her home.

If it doesn't, there's nothing else left.]

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( She sees it coming, moves with it, but barely shifts back. )

I know.

( Gentler, finally. Carefully, she rested her hand on Steph's shoulder, prepared for it to get shoved away. ) It doesn't make it any easier.

( Nothing makes that easier. She doesn't have a way to make Stephanie feel any better, to make the situation any less horrific than it is. Dressing it up somehow isn't an option. There's a moment where she hangs back, isn't quite sure what to do, before she sighs and wraps her arms around Steph, one hand cupping the back of her head. )

[The hug is all it takes for her to completely lose it.

She clings to Helena as she cries, because it's the only thing keeping her upright. It feels so childish and melodramatic but this hurts, it hasn't stopped hurting, and now it's taking the Bat away from her. She'd thought she could rely on Batgirl, at least, to be that when Steph might fail, but now she's losing that as well, and she doesn't know what to do.

So she holds onto Helena and sobs, even though she knows that won't make anything better.]

I've got you.

( Quietly, barely audible, as she strokes Stephanie's hair. The Huntress is vicious, has something dark inside her, but she's just Helena, too. And here's another Gotham kid who is being broken apart by things out of her control, that Huntress and Oracle can't fix. She despised Barbara's pragmatism at times, others she thinks they could go further.

She's in no rush to move, will just keep on holding Stephanie as long as she needs. )

[It takes a little while, but eventually the sobs ease into sniffles, and then eventually she's gently pulling away from the hug, shoving her cowl back so she can scrub her hands over her face.

Crying with a cowl on is unpleasant.

After a few deep breaths, so finally manages to look back at Helena.]

Sorry. About - running. And stuff.

[It's nothing personal, she just didn't want to face what was happening.]

( When she pulls back, Helena lets her go. ) It's all right.

( Helena's used to it.
She doesn't say that. Instead, silence settles like the grime that the rain persistently helps cling and wash away at once. )

I've tried running, too.

Yeah.

[She snuffles, rubs at her nose one last time before pulling her cowl back on; even though she's given up on the secret ID, it still feels odd to have her suit on in public without having the cowl up as well.]

I always seem to end up coming back.

[Maybe that's just Gotham, though.]

( A quiet scoff, shaking her head. )

Do we really have any other choice?

( They stayed through No Man's Land, they've done everything for their city. )

She gets into your bones and never lets go.

[She could never run far away that Gotham wouldn't pull her back.]

Not even when you cross the Atlantic.

( The further you pull away, the worse the tears. )

I guess all the things they say about Gothamites being different are true.

[She nods, still a little shaky, but just silently agreeing.]

As long as they're saying them as compliments.

[hahahah

as if]

Right.

( hahahaha

oh stephanie u r hilarious )

Home of screw ups, screwballs, crooks and Bats.

( And she's a member of all three groups, apparently. Drawing away from Stephanie, arms crossing over her chest. )

I think I've got three out of four, there.

[But which.]

Too late. I already got bingo.

( This is the worst joke ever. ) I think you've got two, at best. You're kind of weird.

( Can they be playful at all right now, or is it going to fall flat? Diplomatic relations has never been her skillset. )

Do you win anything with that?

[What do you win if you get Gotham stereotypes bingo?

She does manage a small, wry smile at the joke.]

Screwball is the one I wasn't counting, actually.

Lifetime need for therapy.

(

no that's basically it, she had the lamborgini before she was a Bat. One of them, anyway. )

I'm a teacher, I know this stuff. You aren't a screw up or a crook. You fought both of those things.

You get that even without the bingo.

[No but for real.

She misses the therapist she had in Africa.]

You know vigilantism is illegal, right? By definition.

[As if they can keep making a joke of this, instead of Steph just pointing that Helena is wrong.

She's both those things, there's no way around it.]

( A drawn out moment, before Helena's shoulders shake a little. It's soft, at first, before she's laughing.

There's nothing pleasant about the sound. )

Right. Of course.

( Oh, God. Why hadn't she thought about it before? ) The Bats are the most infamous crime family in Gotham.

( Great. Everything is perfect. )

[That's a little worrying.

She's laughed like that enough times to recognize it for what it is, that brittle crack before breaking.]

We should remember that if he ever shows up.

[She decides to keep with the joke, rather than drawing attention to the way Helena sounds.]

Yeah. Of course.

( Something vicious in her raises its head, and she doesn't quite face Stephanie. ) I bet he was over the moon when the Bertinellis got wiped out. Taking out the competition families, right?

( He must have been so glad to hear that they got their justice. Her laughter is a bitter, shattered thing, the cracks in glass. ) You do a better job as the Bat than he ever did.

[Her relationship with Bruce is complicated at best, but that comment still makes her flinch, and she's glad at Helena isn't looking at her.]

I don't think he would've been.

[Happy.

People died, a little girl lost her parents. Bruce could never be happy about that, even if it meant less mobsters on the streets. She's not sure if she's defending him or trying to reassure Helena that someone wouldn't be that cold about her loss.

She has no idea what to say about the rest of what Helena says, so she stays silent.]

No?

( Because she was never good enough - there is no redemption, only the option to slip deeper.
But Stephanie still believes in the Bat, in what it means. Helena fixes her gaze on Stephanie, now, those sharp and careful things that catch even the slightest motion and stalk their prey. )

[She's not the same girl who was scared of Helena, all those years ago, but she's still intimidated by her, and the way Helena looks at her makes her want to draw back.

She doesn't, but she wants to.]

He'd never be happy about people dying.

[Even if they were criminals.

That's kind of his thing, isn't it?]

Yeah. And think about everything it cost him.

( How dare he. Murder might not be right, it might not be justice, and yet. ) What has it cost the people around him? How many lives do you think could have been saved if the Joker was put down years ago?

( If Sionis had been put down? No. ) I might be a monster, but at least I'm not one through inaction.

( Which might be the worst thing Batman is guilty of. )

[There's something unhappy in the way Steph looks at her, still uncertain, but there's almost a flicker of annoyance.

Steph knows what it's like, to be angry at Bruce, but she also wants to ask how Helena can do this now, when Steph barely just got herself back together after being so distressed over having to kill?]

I never called you a monster.

[What is Helena defending herself against, right now?]

( Some part of her hoped Stephanie would react more, that she's rebel against what Helena was saying, that she'd damn her and remember the difference between them, that it might make that bat on her chest define itself again. Sometimes Helena likes to wish for the impossible.

She was never very good at manipulation, unfortunately, and she grits her teeth with irritation. Stephanie really isn't a kid any more, it seems - the second people become adults, it's so much harder to deal with them. Her hand drops from her hip, and the air feels sharp against her lungs, even if her breath is steady. ) Right.

( The easy solutions never work. Should have known that already, Huntress.)

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