[closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

[controlledvariable]

Date & Time: Late night/early morning on the 20th
Location: A rooftop
Characters: Stephanie Brown and Helena Bertinelli
Summary: It turns out having a sentient weapon kind of sucks when you're having a crisis of identity
Warnings: Talk of violence/murder

And when I saw you with that gun, I thought... you know, that's not Stephanie. That's not Batgirl, either. I didn't know who I was looking at.

[The words stick with her, the truth of them is almost cloying, like she could choke and drown on it. It hurts to think about, to know that Saul is right but to now know what the solution to the problem is. All she can see is losing herself further, giving more of herself to this war until there's nothing left, because maybe that means that Ellie won't have to, that Collette or Saul or Dinah or Babs can still be themselves. If this is a sacrifice she has to make for the people she loves, then so be it. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it easier to bear, the reminder that she's doing this for a reason, that she's still protecting the people she loves.

It's something to cling to, when she feels so selfish the rest of the time, when she keeps making so many wrong choices in her personal life, lying to Ellie to try to spare her feelings, telling Saul she loves him even though they both know nothing can ever come of it, avoiding everyone from home because it's too hard to face them. She's selfish, and she's a killer, and all of it hurts, but she doesn't know how to do anything else, any more.

She feels like she's suffocating, like she needs air, so Steph grabs her Batgirl suit and pulls it on, planning to head out for a few hours. She's so desperate to get out into the open air that she doesn't really take a look at her uniform, doesn't notice the way the symbol on her chest has started to fade, the yellow dulled, as if it's gone through the wash too many times. All she does is leave a note for Ellie and slip out the window, firing her grapple gun and letting it pull her out into the night.

Usually, when she needs to forget for a little while, she can spend hours flying through the air, twisting and flipping across rooftops, but she needs to be careful tonight; the gash on her thigh is already healing too slowly, she doesn't want to risk opening it up again. She flies, but it's not enough, and before long she finds herself coming to rest on a rooftop, because she can't focus on a grapple line when her thoughts are swirling so darkly. Too much has happened for her to forget it, even for a little while, and in the end she finds herself on the edge of the roof, knees curled up to her chest as she watches the city through the rain. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend there's a gargoyle next to her, though she doesn't speak out loud like she might back home.

She wonders what Gotham would think of her, now, with blood on her hands. God knows the city isn't forgiving, but there's part of Steph that thinks of Gotham welcoming Jason back, and she can only pray her city will do the same for her.

Even if she can't be Batgirl, even if Bruce and Cass and Tim wouldn't recognize the person she is now, she has to believe her city would welcome her home.

If it doesn't, there's nothing else left.]

Comments

[controlledvariable]

I should have found another way!

[She stands her ground, no matter how much she wants to turn and run again, isntead of confronting this.]

It means I should know better.

[If she cares, it means she knows it's wrong and does it anyway, and what does that make her?]

[crossbearing]

Answer the question!

( She won't back down, either. ) What would have happened if you hadn't killed them? What would the consequences have been?

( No. If it hadn't been done, and something had gone wrong, then they'd be tearing themselves apart for the lives lost on their side. ) I means that you have a conscience, that you can do better in the future. It means that you have a reason to keep fighting, because you still value life.

[controlledvariable]

[She balls her hands into fists at her side, resisting the temptation to shove Helena away. It's not her fault, and she has enough presence of mind not to push that far, not with the Huntress.]

I don't know, okay?! How can I know when I didn't even try?

[Her voice wavers, the anger undercut by her distress, and she can't even touch on the rest of what Helena says, not without breaking down.]

[crossbearing]

Bullshit. Is this what you'd say to anyone else? "You were fighting a war, but you should have tried harder?" ( She doesn't move closer, though she wants to. ) Or are you scared what he'd say?

( Because it's the Bat that fading, because he's the one with the rules. Is she scared about war, about what it means to her as a vigilante, or is she scared because of Batman? )

[controlledvariable]

I'm not anyone else!

[She's furious, angry and hurt and she just wanted it to stop instead of getting worse.

The accusation that she's cared of Bruce stings, and she's so close to striking Helena, in that moment, barely keeping herself in check.]

Cass gave this to me, and I can't-- [she chokes on the words, doesn't know how to finish that] She'd hate me, if she could see me now.

[crossbearing]

If she's your friend at all then she'll understand. ( Barked out, harsher than it should be. She doesn't move away, doesn't pull back. Just breathes, lets her words soften. ) You aren't in Gotham.

( This is war, and everything changes, instantly. This is an extraordinary circumstance. ) You didn't kill before you got here.

( Maybe there had been temptations, maybe there had been times where Helena would say that she should have. But Helena is the bad one, the rotten one. If Stephanie thinks she's reprehensible for killing in war, then what must she think of Helena?

That's not the point, and it's not anything new. ) This changes you, but it doesn't mean you aren't Batgirl any more.

[controlledvariable]

{Steph doubts she will, because it's Cass, and Steph knows her opinion on killing, remembers how she looked at her when Steph had wanted to kill Cobblepot. But she doesn't want to argue that part, because it hurts too much.]

It's not about killing!

[That's easier to focus on, and she's angry and hurt and practically thrumming with it, trying to keep herself still.]

It's about killing innocent people!

[It had been easier to bear, when it was the Masked, and she would have no qualms about killing the supervillains from their world, but the people simply trapped working for the United Earth.....

What right did she have, to sentence them to death?]

[crossbearing]

Innocent?

( Sometimes Helena wonders if there is any such thing as innocence, really, past children. Children are innocent until they come to understand the world. They're innocent until it carves something else from them. She wonders if she had ever truly been innocent, when she told her father she wished he were dead and her brother that she'd punish men like him. She had been a child, but she may not have been innocent.

There's more - the inaction. "Trapped working for the United Earth," and as much as she knows they are drugged, that it might not be them of their own initiative, their choice and their agency, are they not still carrying out the motions? )

They are part of the machine that's killing us. ( They didn't choose this, but they are still doing it. ) If we don't kill them, more people will die. If there is a way to stop them being drugged and controlled, then fine. But until then, this is our only option to keep the Exiles and the other Transports alive.

[controlledvariable]

[She knows.

She knows, and it hurts, and all she can think to do is lash out, shoving Helena away from her like that might make her stop talking.]

It's not fair!

[Her voice breaks and her resolve breaks and the tears she'd been holding back finally fall.

And she hates herself even more, for being so childish.]

[crossbearing]

( She sees it coming, moves with it, but barely shifts back. )

I know.

( Gentler, finally. Carefully, she rested her hand on Steph's shoulder, prepared for it to get shoved away. ) It doesn't make it any easier.

( Nothing makes that easier. She doesn't have a way to make Stephanie feel any better, to make the situation any less horrific than it is. Dressing it up somehow isn't an option. There's a moment where she hangs back, isn't quite sure what to do, before she sighs and wraps her arms around Steph, one hand cupping the back of her head. )

[controlledvariable]

[The hug is all it takes for her to completely lose it.

She clings to Helena as she cries, because it's the only thing keeping her upright. It feels so childish and melodramatic but this hurts, it hasn't stopped hurting, and now it's taking the Bat away from her. She'd thought she could rely on Batgirl, at least, to be that when Steph might fail, but now she's losing that as well, and she doesn't know what to do.

So she holds onto Helena and sobs, even though she knows that won't make anything better.]

[crossbearing]

I've got you.

( Quietly, barely audible, as she strokes Stephanie's hair. The Huntress is vicious, has something dark inside her, but she's just Helena, too. And here's another Gotham kid who is being broken apart by things out of her control, that Huntress and Oracle can't fix. She despised Barbara's pragmatism at times, others she thinks they could go further.

She's in no rush to move, will just keep on holding Stephanie as long as she needs. )

[controlledvariable]

[It takes a little while, but eventually the sobs ease into sniffles, and then eventually she's gently pulling away from the hug, shoving her cowl back so she can scrub her hands over her face.

Crying with a cowl on is unpleasant.

After a few deep breaths, so finally manages to look back at Helena.]

Sorry. About - running. And stuff.

[It's nothing personal, she just didn't want to face what was happening.]

[crossbearing]

( When she pulls back, Helena lets her go. ) It's all right.

( Helena's used to it.
She doesn't say that. Instead, silence settles like the grime that the rain persistently helps cling and wash away at once. )

I've tried running, too.

[controlledvariable]

Yeah.

[She snuffles, rubs at her nose one last time before pulling her cowl back on; even though she's given up on the secret ID, it still feels odd to have her suit on in public without having the cowl up as well.]

I always seem to end up coming back.

[Maybe that's just Gotham, though.]

[crossbearing]

( A quiet scoff, shaking her head. )

Do we really have any other choice?

( They stayed through No Man's Land, they've done everything for their city. )

[controlledvariable]

She gets into your bones and never lets go.

[She could never run far away that Gotham wouldn't pull her back.]

[crossbearing]

Not even when you cross the Atlantic.

( The further you pull away, the worse the tears. )

I guess all the things they say about Gothamites being different are true.

[controlledvariable]

[She nods, still a little shaky, but just silently agreeing.]

As long as they're saying them as compliments.

[hahahah

as if]

[crossbearing]

Right.

( hahahaha

oh stephanie u r hilarious )

Home of screw ups, screwballs, crooks and Bats.

( And she's a member of all three groups, apparently. Drawing away from Stephanie, arms crossing over her chest. )

[controlledvariable]

I think I've got three out of four, there.

[But which.]

[crossbearing]

Too late. I already got bingo.

( This is the worst joke ever. ) I think you've got two, at best. You're kind of weird.

( Can they be playful at all right now, or is it going to fall flat? Diplomatic relations has never been her skillset. )

[controlledvariable]

Do you win anything with that?

[What do you win if you get Gotham stereotypes bingo?

She does manage a small, wry smile at the joke.]

Screwball is the one I wasn't counting, actually.

[crossbearing]

Lifetime need for therapy.

(





no that's basically it, she had the lamborgini before she was a Bat. One of them, anyway. )

I'm a teacher, I know this stuff. You aren't a screw up or a crook. You fought both of those things.

[controlledvariable]

You get that even without the bingo.

[No but for real.

She misses the therapist she had in Africa.]

You know vigilantism is illegal, right? By definition.

[As if they can keep making a joke of this, instead of Steph just pointing that Helena is wrong.

She's both those things, there's no way around it.]