exsiliumlogs | [closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

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[closed] I once stepped on a dying bird, it was a mercy killing

Date & Time: Late night/early morning on the 20th
Location: A rooftop
Characters: Stephanie Brown and Helena Bertinelli
Summary: It turns out having a sentient weapon kind of sucks when you're having a crisis of identity
Warnings: Talk of violence/murder

And when I saw you with that gun, I thought... you know, that's not Stephanie. That's not Batgirl, either. I didn't know who I was looking at.

[The words stick with her, the truth of them is almost cloying, like she could choke and drown on it. It hurts to think about, to know that Saul is right but to now know what the solution to the problem is. All she can see is losing herself further, giving more of herself to this war until there's nothing left, because maybe that means that Ellie won't have to, that Collette or Saul or Dinah or Babs can still be themselves. If this is a sacrifice she has to make for the people she loves, then so be it. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it easier to bear, the reminder that she's doing this for a reason, that she's still protecting the people she loves.

It's something to cling to, when she feels so selfish the rest of the time, when she keeps making so many wrong choices in her personal life, lying to Ellie to try to spare her feelings, telling Saul she loves him even though they both know nothing can ever come of it, avoiding everyone from home because it's too hard to face them. She's selfish, and she's a killer, and all of it hurts, but she doesn't know how to do anything else, any more.

She feels like she's suffocating, like she needs air, so Steph grabs her Batgirl suit and pulls it on, planning to head out for a few hours. She's so desperate to get out into the open air that she doesn't really take a look at her uniform, doesn't notice the way the symbol on her chest has started to fade, the yellow dulled, as if it's gone through the wash too many times. All she does is leave a note for Ellie and slip out the window, firing her grapple gun and letting it pull her out into the night.

Usually, when she needs to forget for a little while, she can spend hours flying through the air, twisting and flipping across rooftops, but she needs to be careful tonight; the gash on her thigh is already healing too slowly, she doesn't want to risk opening it up again. She flies, but it's not enough, and before long she finds herself coming to rest on a rooftop, because she can't focus on a grapple line when her thoughts are swirling so darkly. Too much has happened for her to forget it, even for a little while, and in the end she finds herself on the edge of the roof, knees curled up to her chest as she watches the city through the rain. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend there's a gargoyle next to her, though she doesn't speak out loud like she might back home.

She wonders what Gotham would think of her, now, with blood on her hands. God knows the city isn't forgiving, but there's part of Steph that thinks of Gotham welcoming Jason back, and she can only pray her city will do the same for her.

Even if she can't be Batgirl, even if Bruce and Cass and Tim wouldn't recognize the person she is now, she has to believe her city would welcome her home.

If it doesn't, there's nothing else left.]

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( God damn it. Helena doesn't have time to even let herself be exasperated, because she has to pursue Stephanie. No matter what's happened, what the details are, she doesn't feel like leaving her alone after that set up is going to mean anything good at all. As much as she wants to vault onto her bike, this doesn't seem like the moment for a motor chase, so she's moving on foot, leaping and rushing through the air with her own grapple gun, trying to make a guess as to possible routes Stephanie will take.

Suffice to say there are probably some dislodged tiles, dramatic rolls and impressive leaps in this story. But, gentle reader, we are skipping ahead to the point where Helena starts to feel a little tired of this; she draws her grapple gun again, takes careful aim, and watches as it tangles around Stephanie's ankle mid-leap. She keeps hold of the gun as she approaches, watching as Stephanie swings, and doing nothing to release her from the suspension, for a moment. )

Are you done?

[She's not as quick as she normally would be, not with her leg still healing, and she's mostly just grateful that the grapple catches her uninjured leg.

Things would have been much more unpleasant, otherwise.

As it is, she's caught dangling from Helena's grapple, and since she lost grip on her own, cutting herself free wouldn't be a smart idea. She still twists like some caught animal, trying to haul herself up, but she's too exhausted to manage it without likely hurting her leg.

Instead, she glares at Helena, grasping onto anger to save fear from overwhelming her.]

Are you? [She gives another annoyed squirm, trying to break free] Let me go.

Depends.

( She can take note of the injury without too much trouble, eyeing Stephanie carefully but making no move to free her yet. )

I'm not some criminal!

[Her voice cracks on the last word, and the struggling intensifies; she manages to get her fingers curled around the line, hauling herself up and grabbing for a Batarang so she can cut it.]

( Helena's not a total dick, thankfully. While she might, on a day when Stephanie doesn't sound so ragged, just let her drop to the ground, she opts to lower her down instead. )

No, but so many people are avoiding talking to me right now, I'm starting to take it personally.

( It could be an exaggeration, or it could just be that Helena "social leper" Bertinelli has struck again. Who knows. Regardless, she's offering Stephanie a hand up. )

[Steph stops struggling when Helena starts to lower the line, waiting until she's near the ground before cutting the line and dropping to her feet. She hisses in a breath at the pull on her stitches, but she doesn't think any of them popped.

Idly, she realizes the wound is going to scar badly because of all this, and she could almost laugh. What does one more scar matter?

She ignores the offered hand, standing on her own and shifting so her cape is around her shoulders, hiding the symbol on her chest.]

I guess this is what our sentient weapons do when we don't deserve something anymore, okay? I don't wanna talk about it.

[She tries to sound angry, but mostly she just seems defensive and scared and hurt.]

( Part of her finds that it stings, having her hand ignored. Another part wants to utter mature at Stephanie, but a third ignores both of those impulses. )

Why wouldn't you deserve the Bat?

( It's a powerful symbol, tapping into the very heart of Gotham, the way the people think of her, of themselves. The Bat carries them through things that they struggle to survive. As much as Helena despises the Bat, that dependence on it, she understands it. The Bat was what inspired her to fight against her family in the first place, a long time ago. To hear Vic talk, you'd think Batman was her father, rather than a never-ending thorn in her side. )

Not talking about it, wow. That's going to help. It's gone really well for you so far. ( To let it get to this stage and not come to anyone for help. )

[She's going to feel guilty about that later, but right now she's trying to hurt Helena, trying to make her angry, as if that might get her to leave Steph alone.

She's being selfish again.]

You can't figure it out?

[It's snapped, still defensive.

Surely Helena knows, she's fighting this war along with the rest of them, she knows what it means to kill and break Bruce's rules.

She doesn't say anything in response to the sarcasm, just wraps her arms around herself and glares.]

We're in a warzone. They took our people, we killed to get them back. There was a world burning - you killed to try and save it. ( Sharp. ) You have killed because your hand has been pushed.

( Slower, like that might help it sink in, although she's not holding her breath. ) The difference between us is that I killed because I wanted to, and you did it because you're at war.

( They've both had something stripped away from them by Batman for not following orders, but it was Helena who was the murderer. Stephanie might be a criminals daughter, but at home, she'd not been reduced to Helena's level. Not yet. ) You're still Batgirl. You still deserve that symbol, even if I don't think you need it. This is not his city. The same rules don't apply.

[She's silent, but it's an angry silence, a stubborn silence, and Helena would be right not to hold her breath.

When she speaks, the panic and hurt is replaced by sharp anger, but her tone is almost flat, like she can't find any more emotion.]

They're as much victims of the United Earth as we are, and I killed them.

[To save her friends, and in the hopes that they wouldn't pass on whatever they've learned from studying them, but she still killed them.

Most of them weren't even armed.]

And what would have happened if you hadn't?

( Arguing that it was right to kill won't work, because it never works, there's never a good enough reason. What she does do, is take a step closer to Stephanie. )

Have you even thought about what it means that you care?

I should have found another way!

[She stands her ground, no matter how much she wants to turn and run again, isntead of confronting this.]

It means I should know better.

[If she cares, it means she knows it's wrong and does it anyway, and what does that make her?]

Answer the question!

( She won't back down, either. ) What would have happened if you hadn't killed them? What would the consequences have been?

( No. If it hadn't been done, and something had gone wrong, then they'd be tearing themselves apart for the lives lost on their side. ) I means that you have a conscience, that you can do better in the future. It means that you have a reason to keep fighting, because you still value life.

[She balls her hands into fists at her side, resisting the temptation to shove Helena away. It's not her fault, and she has enough presence of mind not to push that far, not with the Huntress.]

I don't know, okay?! How can I know when I didn't even try?

[Her voice wavers, the anger undercut by her distress, and she can't even touch on the rest of what Helena says, not without breaking down.]

Bullshit. Is this what you'd say to anyone else? "You were fighting a war, but you should have tried harder?" ( She doesn't move closer, though she wants to. ) Or are you scared what he'd say?

( Because it's the Bat that fading, because he's the one with the rules. Is she scared about war, about what it means to her as a vigilante, or is she scared because of Batman? )

I'm not anyone else!

[She's furious, angry and hurt and she just wanted it to stop instead of getting worse.

The accusation that she's cared of Bruce stings, and she's so close to striking Helena, in that moment, barely keeping herself in check.]

Cass gave this to me, and I can't-- [she chokes on the words, doesn't know how to finish that] She'd hate me, if she could see me now.

Edited 2013-09-23 10:16 (UTC)

If she's your friend at all then she'll understand. ( Barked out, harsher than it should be. She doesn't move away, doesn't pull back. Just breathes, lets her words soften. ) You aren't in Gotham.

( This is war, and everything changes, instantly. This is an extraordinary circumstance. ) You didn't kill before you got here.

( Maybe there had been temptations, maybe there had been times where Helena would say that she should have. But Helena is the bad one, the rotten one. If Stephanie thinks she's reprehensible for killing in war, then what must she think of Helena?

That's not the point, and it's not anything new. ) This changes you, but it doesn't mean you aren't Batgirl any more.

Edited 2013-09-23 10:56 (UTC)

{Steph doubts she will, because it's Cass, and Steph knows her opinion on killing, remembers how she looked at her when Steph had wanted to kill Cobblepot. But she doesn't want to argue that part, because it hurts too much.]

It's not about killing!

[That's easier to focus on, and she's angry and hurt and practically thrumming with it, trying to keep herself still.]

It's about killing innocent people!

[It had been easier to bear, when it was the Masked, and she would have no qualms about killing the supervillains from their world, but the people simply trapped working for the United Earth.....

What right did she have, to sentence them to death?]

Innocent?

( Sometimes Helena wonders if there is any such thing as innocence, really, past children. Children are innocent until they come to understand the world. They're innocent until it carves something else from them. She wonders if she had ever truly been innocent, when she told her father she wished he were dead and her brother that she'd punish men like him. She had been a child, but she may not have been innocent.

There's more - the inaction. "Trapped working for the United Earth," and as much as she knows they are drugged, that it might not be them of their own initiative, their choice and their agency, are they not still carrying out the motions? )

They are part of the machine that's killing us. ( They didn't choose this, but they are still doing it. ) If we don't kill them, more people will die. If there is a way to stop them being drugged and controlled, then fine. But until then, this is our only option to keep the Exiles and the other Transports alive.

[She knows.

She knows, and it hurts, and all she can think to do is lash out, shoving Helena away from her like that might make her stop talking.]

It's not fair!

[Her voice breaks and her resolve breaks and the tears she'd been holding back finally fall.

And she hates herself even more, for being so childish.]

( She sees it coming, moves with it, but barely shifts back. )

I know.

( Gentler, finally. Carefully, she rested her hand on Steph's shoulder, prepared for it to get shoved away. ) It doesn't make it any easier.

( Nothing makes that easier. She doesn't have a way to make Stephanie feel any better, to make the situation any less horrific than it is. Dressing it up somehow isn't an option. There's a moment where she hangs back, isn't quite sure what to do, before she sighs and wraps her arms around Steph, one hand cupping the back of her head. )

[The hug is all it takes for her to completely lose it.

She clings to Helena as she cries, because it's the only thing keeping her upright. It feels so childish and melodramatic but this hurts, it hasn't stopped hurting, and now it's taking the Bat away from her. She'd thought she could rely on Batgirl, at least, to be that when Steph might fail, but now she's losing that as well, and she doesn't know what to do.

So she holds onto Helena and sobs, even though she knows that won't make anything better.]

I've got you.

( Quietly, barely audible, as she strokes Stephanie's hair. The Huntress is vicious, has something dark inside her, but she's just Helena, too. And here's another Gotham kid who is being broken apart by things out of her control, that Huntress and Oracle can't fix. She despised Barbara's pragmatism at times, others she thinks they could go further.

She's in no rush to move, will just keep on holding Stephanie as long as she needs. )

[It takes a little while, but eventually the sobs ease into sniffles, and then eventually she's gently pulling away from the hug, shoving her cowl back so she can scrub her hands over her face.

Crying with a cowl on is unpleasant.

After a few deep breaths, so finally manages to look back at Helena.]

Sorry. About - running. And stuff.

[It's nothing personal, she just didn't want to face what was happening.]

( When she pulls back, Helena lets her go. ) It's all right.

( Helena's used to it.
She doesn't say that. Instead, silence settles like the grime that the rain persistently helps cling and wash away at once. )

I've tried running, too.

grumpybat!!!

p much

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