my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

[moralperil]

Date & Time: 9/19, evening, after the mission's completed
Location: Mahdi's room!
Characters: Mahdi (moralperil) & Jack (allucinator)
Summary: Mahdi and Jack are swapping secrets of their troubled pasts.
Warnings: THIS LOG WILL CONTAIN POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL. Descriptions of violence, torture, and rape. Proceed with caution.

[Mahdi squeezes Jack's hand and welcomes him into the room. Murmuring a quiet word of apology he closes the door on the kittens, and goes to sit in the corner of the bed where it meets the corner of the room. He pats the spot next to him, inviting Jack to remain near.

The room itself has few features. Mahdi hasn't done much to decorate it, and keeps it relatively neat.]

Um, how do I start out something like this? I told you about how my job involves me coming to Earth, helping a specific person who's at risk of selling their soul?

Comments

[moralperil]

It's scary, when someone's got their hooks into you like that. When you can't fight. I'm sure the times you didn't, you had a good reason. You can't forget that... you're not the one who did anything wrong.

[A pause.] Besides, you're still a hero to me, Jack. Because when we first started hanging out and you barely knew me at all you said, 'I'll protect you' and you didn't know if I was even someone worth protecting.

And it made me feel so safe. Just like now.

[allucinator]

[He stares at the ground. He can't smile, not now-- but at least he's a little happier.]

Good. I'm glad, then. That's all that matters.

[moralperil]

Everyone around me is so brave. It makes me think I can be brave too. [Mahdi leans into Jack a little, his posture relaxing slightly.]

But something like... like that kidnapping happens, and I just fall apart completely. I didn't try to escape, I was just so frightened the whole time. I tried to keep up others spirits, but I didn't do a very good job.

[allucinator]

[He huffs softly and lies back on the bed, his eyes closing.]

It ain't easy. I couldn't do it after a while.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi seems to think things over a moment before curling up beside Jack.]

If you don't mind me asking, how long were you there?

[allucinator]

Two months, more or less. Seems longer, but it was just two months.

[He doesn't mind, but he doesn't open his eyes.]

Half o' which I worked as staff there.

[moralperil]

Oh.

[A lot of things click into place. Mahdi doesn't have his eyes closed. He's watching Jack's face. There's realization in his voice, in that single, soft word, but it is not a gasp of shock or anything so severe.]

I was practically losing my mind at just two weeks... and what they put me through there wasn't. [Mahdi swallows.] It's not like what was done to you in that place. Were you safer, as staff?

[allucinator]

I didn't get experimented on. They couldn't rape me-- that's why they promoted me, because I kept gettin' raped, and they got sick o' it, I guess.

[He pushes a hand against his face, with a harsh exhale.]

But I was . . . that's why I kept sayin' I was just as bad. Because I had to experiment on them, on me friends, to stay safe. So I'd be safer than them.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi flinches a little when Jack says 'rape' both times. He struggles with that word. But this isn't about his issues at the moment. And what else could it be called, really? The word itself feels like a violation to him.] What kind of people would imprison someone and then make someone choose between... being raped, between safety, and between the safety of their friends?

[His voice cracks a few times.]

Most people would do what you would did. Maybe they wouldn't admit it, maybe they wouldn't even know until they did it, but... I would never hate you for trying to escape that.

[allucinator]

A coward. A coward would do it, and it don't matter if it's the, the sane choice or not-- I'm a fucking coward, because plenty o' other people got hurt and I was the only one who got out of it.

[moralperil]

How the fuck were you getting out of it? [Mahdi sits up on his elbow, frowning down at Jack.] You were being tortured just as much as they were. Maybe it wasn't the same, but it was still torture. And you were placed in a no-win situation. You were still their prisoner. And if I know you at all I bet you thought at least... at least it might not be so bad if it was you, like you might be able to hurt them less, or something.

[allucinator]

[He opens his eyes, glaring up at him.]

Yeah, and I told myself that, which was an excuse, cuz I didn't kill them, which means yeah, I hurt them a little less. It was torture, sure, but I'm a fucking coward for gettin' out of it when I could.

My friend, she was there too, she got promoted, and she killed one of the bastards and got demoted. What did I ever do? Healed up a few people so they could be tortured all over again!

agh so tl;dr

[moralperil]

You survived. That's amazing in itself.

It seems to me like they fooled you into thinking you had control of it, of any of it. Probably because they were afraid of what you'd do if they kept the same as the other prisoners, because your spirit is fierce. They screwed with your head on purpose. They found a way to keep you even more locked down by making you believe you were a part of it. But you survived. Maybe you're not the same person you were, but you're still an amazing person, and you're not a coward. At least, not to me.

You can't compare yourself to your friend. I bet her situation was different than yours. You can look back and say you didn't do everything you could, but I'm sure at the time you were trying to do everything you could, everything your body would allow you to, every moment of every day. Because you're a good person, Jack.

[Mahdi takes a deep breath. This is really putting a lot of things in perspective for him. Maybe he's been a little too hard on himself for not reporting Keeran, though he still regrets it.]

I- I'm not trying to have an argument with you. So sorry for going on like that. If it's coming out wrong, it's because I'm tired. I'm not trying to tell you not to feel these things, I'm just hoping in time you can understand it more. I'm bad at this. Maybe you should talk to Ashraf instead. He's so much smarter than me.

I just want you to understand why I don't think you're worthy of any hatred. All of what you've said just make me...

I care about you. We care about each other, right? If you were as bad as all that, I wouldn't let you on my bed.

[Mahdi's eyes fill with tears, quite unexpectedly, and he lays back, throwing his arm over his eyes.]

I haven't let anyone...

[allucinator]

[He wants to cry, sort of, except men don't cry (and Mahdi, for all he's older, isn't a man, and Jack means no insult by that. He's something else, he's an angel; angels can cry). So he bites on his bottom lip as he stares down at Mahdi, and waits for his voice to steady.

When it does, when his eyes don't sting any more, he reaches over to drag his fingers over his shoulder.]

Like I said: you're the first person I've touched so much since I came from there.

[A beat. Unsteadily:]

It's-- it's hard to think o'. You're the first person I've told. I just-- it's hard to remember, never mind change me mind about.

[moralperil]

[Mahdi would not be insulted by being told he was 'not' a man, since he's never felt particularly beholden to the idea of those sorts of things. He'd probably object to the idea that men can't cry. It's mostly that crying feels so naked to him, so exposed, and he's so obsessed with the idea that everyone finds him weak that he doesn't want to be seen breaking down.]

I'm crying too much today. [He complains, and doesn't move his arm at all. And he knows whatever is going on with him and Jack is sort of miraculous for both of them, half friendship, half licking each others wounds, and half something else (and if that's too many halves well, he never earned high marks in math). Someday, he'll ask Jack what it means, but right now it doesn't need to be defined.]

I'm glad we can talk. I'm just next to useless right now. [Swallowing.]

Well, all the time, really.

[allucinator]

You're next to useless. Really?

[moralperil]

[Sniffling.] Don't get all sarcastic on me. I can't wrap my brain around it.

[allucinator]

I dunno, you seemed to get it then.

[He finally manages a small smile.]

Come on, don't get like that on me.

[moralperil]

Like what? [Mahdi moves his arm out of his face in time to catch that smile and return it, still teary-eyed.]

I'm just really tired. I keep saying things and I hope they make sense because it's all from the heart but I'm... [Yawn. And then sniffle.] I don't know how much good I am. All I know is that I try my best all the time and the world is still so cruel.

[allucinator]

You ain't responsible for solvin' the world's problems, you know. Not all o' them.

[moralperil]

Maybe not, but I have to try. Since I was young I decided it was my job to help humanity, that I'd be the best at it.

If I don't try, it's the same as giving up. The same as failing. [Mahdi rubs away the traces of tear with the heels of is palms.]

It's all I have. I can't seem to do anything but screw up my personal life.

[allucinator]

You haven't. Just cuz you hit a bump in the road with what's-his-face don't mean you screwed it up. We're friends, ain't we? So that ain't a screw up.

[moralperil]

You say that now! Just wait! I told you I'm just as capable of ruining your life as anyone else! [Mahdi smiles and ruffles Jack's hair, though, all bright and shiny for a moment before it crashes down again.] Besides, it wasn't just... it wasn't just him.

But enough bellyaching. It's not worth getting worked up about. As long as I can give my love to other people, I don't need... [Mahdi breaks off.] I'm fine with how things are. I mean, aside from the kidnapping. That sucked.

[allucinator]

Oh, yeah, no kiddin', that sucked.

[He flops down beside him again. After a moment:]

You think I'll fall in love again?

[Jack is the king of being subtle.]

[moralperil]

[Mahdi half-lays on Jack, his arm crooked, his cheek on his arm.]

I think you've already fallen in love. Or you've stayed in love. With art, with being alive. There's a lot of different ways to love. And I think it's important not just to love others, but love your life. It's not always easy. But... one thing my people got right is that being alive is a miracle. It's a gift, even if it doesn't seem like it. There's a reason we're not all just un-sentient dust floating around in space.

So you have to keep in mind, you're never completely without love. At least that's how I try to think of it. Because if you love the world, it will love you back. People aren't.

[He swallows hard.] People can't always love you back, or in the way you want them to.

So I hope whoever you fall in love with thinks you hung the moon. Because you're amazing. Anyone would be lucky to be with you.

Because I do think you'll fall in love again.