exsiliumlogs | my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

Entry tags:

my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

Date & Time: 9/19, evening, after the mission's completed
Location: Mahdi's room!
Characters: Mahdi (

allucinator)
Summary: Mahdi and Jack are swapping secrets of their troubled pasts.
Warnings: THIS LOG WILL CONTAIN POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL. Descriptions of violence, torture, and rape. Proceed with caution.

[Mahdi squeezes Jack's hand and welcomes him into the room. Murmuring a quiet word of apology he closes the door on the kittens, and goes to sit in the corner of the bed where it meets the corner of the room. He pats the spot next to him, inviting Jack to remain near.

The room itself has few features. Mahdi hasn't done much to decorate it, and keeps it relatively neat.]

Um, how do I start out something like this? I told you about how my job involves me coming to Earth, helping a specific person who's at risk of selling their soul?

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[He hesitates for a moment-- just a moment-- before taking the spot next to Mahdi. Touch is easier with him, but that doesn't mean Jack's always ready for it. Sitting on a bed with another boy is fairly bad-- but it's only Mahdi.]

Yeah. Yeah, a guardian angel, I remember.

I was sent to help a boy, about fifteen, who was identified as at risk. But the whole thing wasn't right. Nothing I did helped. I sent him a miracle... a perfectly little kitten like Truffle. And he killed it. I placed a life in his hands and he destroyed it.

[Mahdi presses his cheek to his knee.] Sometimes people are just wrong. Maybe made wrong, maybe twisted, I don't know. And Michael was. Very wrong. He was cruel to everyone around him. But I thought... I thought I could change things, I thought I could help him if I just tried hard enough, tried every day. I didn't want to give up.

[He pets Mahdi's back, the action slow and repeated, and studies his face carefully.]

So what did you do?

I couldn't do anything. That's the thing. I mean, I could do what I was sent to do - send along good feelings, work miracles, all of that kind of stuff. But I was tagged, only had limited access to the Middle Realm, so I couldn't take a physical form. I could watch and never touch. I couldn't open a door, or call the police, or get between him and his girlfriend.

Michael was troubled. I believed he felt remorse when he did things wrong. At least, he seemed sincere when he apologized to people. But. He never stopped doing wrong. So I don't know. Maybe I wanted to believe he could be helped, if only he could have felt my love for him at some point.

[Mahdi's face is pinched. He rocks heel-to-toe.] When I'd send a long a message to HQ, they'd just say if I thought I was having no effect on him, then I should head on home for a new assignment. But it was my first job ever, you know? His soul was still in trouble. I didn't want to leave before I knew I'd done everything I could.

...He had a girlfriend. She was very sweet. He was mean to her with his words all the time, mean with familiar words. And he hit her. And one day, when my attention was somewhere else, they had this argument. A really bad one, you know, like a quiet one?

And he raped her. And I...

I couldn't do anything. I couldn't shout. I couldn't help, I simply had to accept this horrible thing was happening and I couldn't stop it. That wasn't my purpose. Humans are supposed to guide themselves. But how could I... how could I watch all the hope go out of someone's eyes and...

[Tears blur his vision, and Mahdi hides his face in his arm.]

I. I won't cry about it. I don't have a right to.

You can cry.

[He reaches over, grabbing his hand and threading their fingers together.]

Hey. You can-- come on, you can do it. It's-- it's hard to watch, it's-- you did everythin' you could and it weren't enough. You can cry.

It just kept happening. [Mahdi says with a full-body shudder, like he's vomiting out the words. He'd apologize in a way that sounded like he was blaming her and it would happen again. It was like being trapped in a nightmare, reliving... [He swallows hard. He's trembling, but he squeezes Jack's fingers back. Tears finally drip down his face. He wipes his cheeks ineffectively on his thighs.] I couldn't even use my voice to tell her to run away. Then he raped an acquaintance at a party. I watched every moment. I tried to tell her it would be okay, that she was strong and would survive. Every time he attacked someone, I'd do that. I thought I owed them at least that much, because he was so damaged and I couldn't fix him. It was breaking the rules, but what could I do? I couldn't stop this terrible thing. And I owed them more. I'm supposed to help people. I couldn't look away.

It's... it's bullshit, you know? I look back on it and I was way too involved. I was mixing my own feelings into it, but how could I not care what was happening? How do my siblings in all of the Above look down on what's happening and look away when a person is begging God for help, begging for help from anyone? All of this suffering, and it's my duty to just send a blessing and a warm feeling, try and make them glad they survived such things instead of stopping people from being so damned evil? I can't fix it! I couldn't fix it then and I can't fix it now, the people on this planet are still hurting one another at record pace... and I can't fix it.

[Mahdi sobs his last words into his knees.]

Ashraf... you know, he prays and stuff, he's spiritual, his powers come from a place that's holy and he is supported by that faith. I know so many people who believe in things, but I don't. I can say for a fact that the angels don't give a shit, or if they do, there may be nothing they can do about it.

No more than one human can help another, maybe even less.

[His voice cracks.]

We're totally on our own. It's always been this way.

[Mahdi sniffs. To call his face a mess would be an understatement.] Sorry, there's... the box of tissue's there on the dresser, could you?

Yeah.

[He goes to get it; when he comes back, he kneels in front of Mahdi. Again he takes his hand and tries to catch his eyes.]

Hey. Hey. Listen to me, all right? We ain't on our own. Maybe angels don't care, but I do. When I got-- when it-- when it happened to me, [and his breath catches just a little, but he forges on] I thought-- I thoguht that was it. I don't even remember most o' it, you know? I blacked out, cuz he just kept goin' at it. And I thought, god, I want to die, I want-- it was awful.

But then this guy found me. He cleaned me up and taught me how to cope, and he kept after me. Kept me sane. Sat with me and pet my hair and watched me draw, and taught me that it was gonna be okay. And now I met you, and you'll never let me be alone, right? And I won't let you be alone neither.

[Mahdi wipes his eyes, though they're still occasionally leaking, and blows his nose. He takes Jack's hand, and he listens, still sniffling. He nods just once and is quiet for a long time, like he might be too tired to speak.]

Of course I'd never let you be alone.

I'm really glad you had that. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that... but I'm glad that someone was there for you..

Yeah.

[He gives him a tired smile.]

And we're gonna be there for each other. I promise. Everythin'-- everythin' is gonna be okay. For me an' for you. I mean-- I mean, look at this. Right after, I couldn't touch anybody. I used to get panic attacks. And now lookit us.

Edited 2013-09-24 01:24 (UTC)

[Mahdi reaches forward with his free hand, brushing his knuckles over Jack's cheek. He's still drippy, his voice weak.]

It's weird. And maybe it's because I didn't sleep a wink while I was away, but. I'm actually really happy right now?

Will you sit beside me?

Edited 2013-09-24 02:28 (UTC)

[He sighs softly and obeys, slipping up onto the bed to sit next to him. After a moment he pushes his fingers through Mahdi's hair.]

I get it. I, uh, I used to go from manic to depressed an' back again.

Be careful, you'll get stuck up there.

[Mahdi's hair is more than disheveled, in need of a comb and a trim. The strands around his face are a bit icky, where he chews compulsively on it.]

I... I don't know what that means, but I'm really happy you're here. I'm happy when I get to see you. Even though I'm sad, and even though it all came about because you were worried.

Thank you for listening to that huge mess. I've never told anyone. When I got back... after Michael sold his soul, everyone acted like I had no right to be upset about it. Especially when they found out the whole thing shouldn't have happened in the first place.

Yeah, well. People acted . . . stupid after my, you know, ordeal. So people ain't always right.

[He keeps moving his fingers, steadily and surely.]

Do it help? Talkin'?

I don't know. It does feel kinda good to get some of this off my chest.

They were right. I went against the direct wishes of my superiors to try and fix something that was beyond hope. I just refused to accept it, because I wanted to believe that even someone like that might have good in their heart. And that I wasn't a failure for having faith in that.

Because if it was possible for him to change, it was possible...

[Mahdi takes a deep breath.]

Did you ever... did you ever do anything, about, about what happened to you? Could you, in the situation you were in? You were kidnapped, right?

[He hesitates and then falls silent for a few seconds. Finally:]

No. I didn't.

[A beat. He adds, with a bleak little laugh:]

No, that's a lie. Once. Once I had the, the chance to kill him, to . . . to stop him from ever hurtin' anyone again. And I got too scared to do it. I beat him bloody and then I couldn't finish the job. I ran away and two days later he was back.

You were brave to even raise a hand to him. I never did anything like that. And you're young. It wasn't your responsibility to keep others safe. Someone else should have taken it on.

It's never wrong not to take a life.

[Mahdi sucks his lower lips between his teeth, biting and bloodying those tiny wounds.]

The last time I saw Keeran, I... I didn't do anything at all.

Well, I lost him his job. But not on purpose. He was still so angry at me.

There was a moment when I thought for sure he'd do it all again. And I just thought, here it goes and that was it. I never thought about fighting it. Even after he ruined my life by getting me assigned to Michael in the first place, and he made up this story saying it was all a way to get back at me for cheating on him and then leaving him when I never... I've never... with anyone else... There was never a single part of me that thought of fighting back.

[Mahdi's shoulders seize up, but this time he doesn't cry. He's mostly angry.]

[He sighs deeply and pushes his fingers through his hair again.]

I didn't either. Don't . . . I'm not some hero. I only fought that one time. Every time he fucked me, every time he shoved me to my knees or, or bent me over, I just-- I just took it. I didn't fight back at all. I only tried hurtin' him that one time cuz he was tied up and my friends were there.

It's scary, when someone's got their hooks into you like that. When you can't fight. I'm sure the times you didn't, you had a good reason. You can't forget that... you're not the one who did anything wrong.

[A pause.] Besides, you're still a hero to me, Jack. Because when we first started hanging out and you barely knew me at all you said, 'I'll protect you' and you didn't know if I was even someone worth protecting.

And it made me feel so safe. Just like now.

[He stares at the ground. He can't smile, not now-- but at least he's a little happier.]

Good. I'm glad, then. That's all that matters.

Everyone around me is so brave. It makes me think I can be brave too. [Mahdi leans into Jack a little, his posture relaxing slightly.]

But something like... like that kidnapping happens, and I just fall apart completely. I didn't try to escape, I was just so frightened the whole time. I tried to keep up others spirits, but I didn't do a very good job.

[He huffs softly and lies back on the bed, his eyes closing.]

It ain't easy. I couldn't do it after a while.

Edited 2013-09-27 00:41 (UTC)

[Mahdi seems to think things over a moment before curling up beside Jack.]

If you don't mind me asking, how long were you there?

Two months, more or less. Seems longer, but it was just two months.

[He doesn't mind, but he doesn't open his eyes.]

Half o' which I worked as staff there.

Oh.

[A lot of things click into place. Mahdi doesn't have his eyes closed. He's watching Jack's face. There's realization in his voice, in that single, soft word, but it is not a gasp of shock or anything so severe.]

I was practically losing my mind at just two weeks... and what they put me through there wasn't. [Mahdi swallows.] It's not like what was done to you in that place. Were you safer, as staff?

I didn't get experimented on. They couldn't rape me-- that's why they promoted me, because I kept gettin' raped, and they got sick o' it, I guess.

[He pushes a hand against his face, with a harsh exhale.]

But I was . . . that's why I kept sayin' I was just as bad. Because I had to experiment on them, on me friends, to stay safe. So I'd be safer than them.

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fff sorry I thought it was your tag

wb~

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