exsiliumlogs | my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

Entry tags:

my love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball

Date & Time: 9/19, evening, after the mission's completed
Location: Mahdi's room!
Characters: Mahdi (

allucinator)
Summary: Mahdi and Jack are swapping secrets of their troubled pasts.
Warnings: THIS LOG WILL CONTAIN POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL. Descriptions of violence, torture, and rape. Proceed with caution.

[Mahdi squeezes Jack's hand and welcomes him into the room. Murmuring a quiet word of apology he closes the door on the kittens, and goes to sit in the corner of the bed where it meets the corner of the room. He pats the spot next to him, inviting Jack to remain near.

The room itself has few features. Mahdi hasn't done much to decorate it, and keeps it relatively neat.]

Um, how do I start out something like this? I told you about how my job involves me coming to Earth, helping a specific person who's at risk of selling their soul?

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It just kept happening. [Mahdi says with a full-body shudder, like he's vomiting out the words. He'd apologize in a way that sounded like he was blaming her and it would happen again. It was like being trapped in a nightmare, reliving... [He swallows hard. He's trembling, but he squeezes Jack's fingers back. Tears finally drip down his face. He wipes his cheeks ineffectively on his thighs.] I couldn't even use my voice to tell her to run away. Then he raped an acquaintance at a party. I watched every moment. I tried to tell her it would be okay, that she was strong and would survive. Every time he attacked someone, I'd do that. I thought I owed them at least that much, because he was so damaged and I couldn't fix him. It was breaking the rules, but what could I do? I couldn't stop this terrible thing. And I owed them more. I'm supposed to help people. I couldn't look away.

It's... it's bullshit, you know? I look back on it and I was way too involved. I was mixing my own feelings into it, but how could I not care what was happening? How do my siblings in all of the Above look down on what's happening and look away when a person is begging God for help, begging for help from anyone? All of this suffering, and it's my duty to just send a blessing and a warm feeling, try and make them glad they survived such things instead of stopping people from being so damned evil? I can't fix it! I couldn't fix it then and I can't fix it now, the people on this planet are still hurting one another at record pace... and I can't fix it.

[Mahdi sobs his last words into his knees.]

Ashraf... you know, he prays and stuff, he's spiritual, his powers come from a place that's holy and he is supported by that faith. I know so many people who believe in things, but I don't. I can say for a fact that the angels don't give a shit, or if they do, there may be nothing they can do about it.

No more than one human can help another, maybe even less.

[His voice cracks.]

We're totally on our own. It's always been this way.

[Mahdi sniffs. To call his face a mess would be an understatement.] Sorry, there's... the box of tissue's there on the dresser, could you?

Yeah.

[He goes to get it; when he comes back, he kneels in front of Mahdi. Again he takes his hand and tries to catch his eyes.]

Hey. Hey. Listen to me, all right? We ain't on our own. Maybe angels don't care, but I do. When I got-- when it-- when it happened to me, [and his breath catches just a little, but he forges on] I thought-- I thoguht that was it. I don't even remember most o' it, you know? I blacked out, cuz he just kept goin' at it. And I thought, god, I want to die, I want-- it was awful.

But then this guy found me. He cleaned me up and taught me how to cope, and he kept after me. Kept me sane. Sat with me and pet my hair and watched me draw, and taught me that it was gonna be okay. And now I met you, and you'll never let me be alone, right? And I won't let you be alone neither.

[Mahdi wipes his eyes, though they're still occasionally leaking, and blows his nose. He takes Jack's hand, and he listens, still sniffling. He nods just once and is quiet for a long time, like he might be too tired to speak.]

Of course I'd never let you be alone.

I'm really glad you had that. I'm so, so sorry you had to go through that... but I'm glad that someone was there for you..

Yeah.

[He gives him a tired smile.]

And we're gonna be there for each other. I promise. Everythin'-- everythin' is gonna be okay. For me an' for you. I mean-- I mean, look at this. Right after, I couldn't touch anybody. I used to get panic attacks. And now lookit us.

Edited 2013-09-24 01:24 (UTC)

[Mahdi reaches forward with his free hand, brushing his knuckles over Jack's cheek. He's still drippy, his voice weak.]

It's weird. And maybe it's because I didn't sleep a wink while I was away, but. I'm actually really happy right now?

Will you sit beside me?

Edited 2013-09-24 02:28 (UTC)

[He sighs softly and obeys, slipping up onto the bed to sit next to him. After a moment he pushes his fingers through Mahdi's hair.]

I get it. I, uh, I used to go from manic to depressed an' back again.

Be careful, you'll get stuck up there.

[Mahdi's hair is more than disheveled, in need of a comb and a trim. The strands around his face are a bit icky, where he chews compulsively on it.]

I... I don't know what that means, but I'm really happy you're here. I'm happy when I get to see you. Even though I'm sad, and even though it all came about because you were worried.

Thank you for listening to that huge mess. I've never told anyone. When I got back... after Michael sold his soul, everyone acted like I had no right to be upset about it. Especially when they found out the whole thing shouldn't have happened in the first place.

Yeah, well. People acted . . . stupid after my, you know, ordeal. So people ain't always right.

[He keeps moving his fingers, steadily and surely.]

Do it help? Talkin'?

I don't know. It does feel kinda good to get some of this off my chest.

They were right. I went against the direct wishes of my superiors to try and fix something that was beyond hope. I just refused to accept it, because I wanted to believe that even someone like that might have good in their heart. And that I wasn't a failure for having faith in that.

Because if it was possible for him to change, it was possible...

[Mahdi takes a deep breath.]

Did you ever... did you ever do anything, about, about what happened to you? Could you, in the situation you were in? You were kidnapped, right?

[He hesitates and then falls silent for a few seconds. Finally:]

No. I didn't.

[A beat. He adds, with a bleak little laugh:]

No, that's a lie. Once. Once I had the, the chance to kill him, to . . . to stop him from ever hurtin' anyone again. And I got too scared to do it. I beat him bloody and then I couldn't finish the job. I ran away and two days later he was back.

You were brave to even raise a hand to him. I never did anything like that. And you're young. It wasn't your responsibility to keep others safe. Someone else should have taken it on.

It's never wrong not to take a life.

[Mahdi sucks his lower lips between his teeth, biting and bloodying those tiny wounds.]

The last time I saw Keeran, I... I didn't do anything at all.

Well, I lost him his job. But not on purpose. He was still so angry at me.

There was a moment when I thought for sure he'd do it all again. And I just thought, here it goes and that was it. I never thought about fighting it. Even after he ruined my life by getting me assigned to Michael in the first place, and he made up this story saying it was all a way to get back at me for cheating on him and then leaving him when I never... I've never... with anyone else... There was never a single part of me that thought of fighting back.

[Mahdi's shoulders seize up, but this time he doesn't cry. He's mostly angry.]

[He sighs deeply and pushes his fingers through his hair again.]

I didn't either. Don't . . . I'm not some hero. I only fought that one time. Every time he fucked me, every time he shoved me to my knees or, or bent me over, I just-- I just took it. I didn't fight back at all. I only tried hurtin' him that one time cuz he was tied up and my friends were there.

It's scary, when someone's got their hooks into you like that. When you can't fight. I'm sure the times you didn't, you had a good reason. You can't forget that... you're not the one who did anything wrong.

[A pause.] Besides, you're still a hero to me, Jack. Because when we first started hanging out and you barely knew me at all you said, 'I'll protect you' and you didn't know if I was even someone worth protecting.

And it made me feel so safe. Just like now.

[He stares at the ground. He can't smile, not now-- but at least he's a little happier.]

Good. I'm glad, then. That's all that matters.

Everyone around me is so brave. It makes me think I can be brave too. [Mahdi leans into Jack a little, his posture relaxing slightly.]

But something like... like that kidnapping happens, and I just fall apart completely. I didn't try to escape, I was just so frightened the whole time. I tried to keep up others spirits, but I didn't do a very good job.

[He huffs softly and lies back on the bed, his eyes closing.]

It ain't easy. I couldn't do it after a while.

Edited 2013-09-27 00:41 (UTC)

[Mahdi seems to think things over a moment before curling up beside Jack.]

If you don't mind me asking, how long were you there?

Two months, more or less. Seems longer, but it was just two months.

[He doesn't mind, but he doesn't open his eyes.]

Half o' which I worked as staff there.

Oh.

[A lot of things click into place. Mahdi doesn't have his eyes closed. He's watching Jack's face. There's realization in his voice, in that single, soft word, but it is not a gasp of shock or anything so severe.]

I was practically losing my mind at just two weeks... and what they put me through there wasn't. [Mahdi swallows.] It's not like what was done to you in that place. Were you safer, as staff?

I didn't get experimented on. They couldn't rape me-- that's why they promoted me, because I kept gettin' raped, and they got sick o' it, I guess.

[He pushes a hand against his face, with a harsh exhale.]

But I was . . . that's why I kept sayin' I was just as bad. Because I had to experiment on them, on me friends, to stay safe. So I'd be safer than them.

[Mahdi flinches a little when Jack says 'rape' both times. He struggles with that word. But this isn't about his issues at the moment. And what else could it be called, really? The word itself feels like a violation to him.] What kind of people would imprison someone and then make someone choose between... being raped, between safety, and between the safety of their friends?

[His voice cracks a few times.]

Most people would do what you would did. Maybe they wouldn't admit it, maybe they wouldn't even know until they did it, but... I would never hate you for trying to escape that.

A coward. A coward would do it, and it don't matter if it's the, the sane choice or not-- I'm a fucking coward, because plenty o' other people got hurt and I was the only one who got out of it.

How the fuck were you getting out of it? [Mahdi sits up on his elbow, frowning down at Jack.] You were being tortured just as much as they were. Maybe it wasn't the same, but it was still torture. And you were placed in a no-win situation. You were still their prisoner. And if I know you at all I bet you thought at least... at least it might not be so bad if it was you, like you might be able to hurt them less, or something.

[He opens his eyes, glaring up at him.]

Yeah, and I told myself that, which was an excuse, cuz I didn't kill them, which means yeah, I hurt them a little less. It was torture, sure, but I'm a fucking coward for gettin' out of it when I could.

My friend, she was there too, she got promoted, and she killed one of the bastards and got demoted. What did I ever do? Healed up a few people so they could be tortured all over again!

You survived. That's amazing in itself.

It seems to me like they fooled you into thinking you had control of it, of any of it. Probably because they were afraid of what you'd do if they kept the same as the other prisoners, because your spirit is fierce. They screwed with your head on purpose. They found a way to keep you even more locked down by making you believe you were a part of it. But you survived. Maybe you're not the same person you were, but you're still an amazing person, and you're not a coward. At least, not to me.

You can't compare yourself to your friend. I bet her situation was different than yours. You can look back and say you didn't do everything you could, but I'm sure at the time you were trying to do everything you could, everything your body would allow you to, every moment of every day. Because you're a good person, Jack.

[Mahdi takes a deep breath. This is really putting a lot of things in perspective for him. Maybe he's been a little too hard on himself for not reporting Keeran, though he still regrets it.]

I- I'm not trying to have an argument with you. So sorry for going on like that. If it's coming out wrong, it's because I'm tired. I'm not trying to tell you not to feel these things, I'm just hoping in time you can understand it more. I'm bad at this. Maybe you should talk to Ashraf instead. He's so much smarter than me.

I just want you to understand why I don't think you're worthy of any hatred. All of what you've said just make me...

I care about you. We care about each other, right? If you were as bad as all that, I wouldn't let you on my bed.

[Mahdi's eyes fill with tears, quite unexpectedly, and he lays back, throwing his arm over his eyes.]

I haven't let anyone...

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fff sorry I thought it was your tag

wb~

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agh so tl;dr