( closed ) And I'm a goddamn fool, but then again so are you

[launderer]

Date & Time: During the week
Location: General common areas
Characters: Skyler, Jesse, Saul, Mike, Steph, and Tobias Beecher
Summary: Sky's trying to process things
Warnings: None? Will update if needed.

[She actually likes how busy she's making herself. It makes her feel useful, and the people here could use it. Not the Initiative. But the people that are just as stranded here as she is, the kids taken from their parents or the people they had. She doesn't like that thought, something tugging too close to the feelings she's pushed away about Holly.

Even mentioning that she has children is like a stab in the heart. Taking a break late at night, Sky has one vice to lean on. She's not sure when she'll get another pack of cigarettes. It was the one in her purse when she arrived. She's careful of the whole oxygen thing here, and it's only ever one. But dear God, does it feel good.

The first inhale already had her nerves relaxing. Holding the small stick between her fingers, her eyes close for a brief moment, and she can forget she's on the moon. She can forget this place. Of course there's enough on her mind. There's a weight on her chest, and each day she knows she's pushing it off.

But there are things, things that remind her during the day. When people call her Ms. or Mrs. White, when people ask about her husband, when people talk about her family. It's still crumbling back home, and when it's quiet like this, she can remember each moment of the attack straight up until when Walt grab Holly. She has to tear her eyes open.

She has to be safe. For all his insistence on family, she prays that he would still remember that Holly is his daughter as well. Whatever she's done-- and whoever she is to him now, Holly is just a baby.

But that is like a sinking feeling in her stomach, not because she would ever want to take the bastard back, but after the emotional manipulation and the hell she's gone through that this is it. This is how it ends. This is where it is for her, and there's nothing she can do from here. There's no way to know how it plays out except that it just does.

It's also freeing though. She isn't tied to Walt here. She isn't forced to play into his games. She is helping with the clinic and trying to help the children, because it's genuinely what she wants. As much as it keeps her busy, it's something pure, and it's something she can do. In some small, small way. It's hope. She still has something good in her life as much as she can feel the bitterness in her heart.]

Comments

[hostage]

[He can't believe she's comforting him, after what he just admitted. But it's impossible for him to turn her away, and when she takes his hand, he responds by squeezing hers.]

I'm sorry. For saying any of that. I'm - I don't really wanna hurt anybody, I'm just trying to find the best way. For everybody. I know I keep screwing up, but I wanna fix things. And I know there's gotta be some way to do it.

[He raises his eyes to her, finally, the guilt still written on his face. He shouldn't say this, but he can't hold it back.]

The other guys, I know they're gonna want him dead no matter what. Like the second he shows up here. I dunno how to stop 'em except for telling 'em I'm gonna do it myself.

[launderer]

[Her thumb sweeps over the top of his hand, and she tries to shake her head. He doesn't owe her an apology.]

He's hurt a lot of people, and I can't even imagine what you've been through yourself. If what he's done to his own family is any indication... [He's manipulated and used them all.]

Mike and Saul are different. Mike's already seen a lot. And it's not like Saul is sinless. I just want to make sure that when this all settles you still walk out of this. No one is getting out of it unscathed, I know that. But you don't need to turn into him to survive it.

[She exhales slowly. That's what she wants for him. Things aren't looking good for her either. But if she's there for her kids, for her sister, and Jesse isn't some warped, cynical psychotic version of Walt, then maybe it's something to fight for. Something to get her through being on the moonbase, not even knowing how or where her daughter is.]

[hostage]

[He's no different from Mike or Saul. He's not pure or innocent in any way. He doesn't deserve to somehow walk away from this when Mike already paid with his life. What he's personally endured at Walter White's hands seems like nothing compared to that.

But Skyler doesn't want Jesse to kill Mr. White, so he won't.]

All that stuff you said... about what happens back home. It made me so glad because - because I wasn't sure. About what kinda person I was. Even if it all goes bad and I die out there... I died doing the right thing, right? Trying to help 'em catch him.

That's what's really important. I don't need more than that.

[launderer]

[She feels guilty when he brings that up. She shouldn't have said anything about it then, but so much was swirling in her head, and she could barely process what was going around her. Skyler frowns deeply.]

I don't know what happens, Jesse. I don't know what happened out there, just that Hank is dead. But you're right-- you helped them know about him. If he killed Hank and his partner, then you can bet they won't stop looking for him.

[And that's something. Her lips turn upwards. It's not exactly smiling, but it's something positive.]

You did something good-- right. Even when I couldn't. [Which makes him possibly better than her. Talk about not expecting that.]

[hostage]

[If Jesse was working with Hank, and if Hank's dead, then there's no one left to protect Jesse and the rest is just obvious. But it's okay. It was a matter of time. And Jesse's already been living with the assumption that he was dead meat, one way or another. You don't cross Heisenberg and live. He's just glad that he died doing something like that. If it had to happen, that's how he'd want it to happen.

Her last words trouble him, though. Is she really blaming herself here?]

He had you trapped. Right? He had you trapped like he does with people. Of course you couldn't do anything when you had the kids to worry about. It's easy for me 'cause I don't have anybody. What happens to me don't matter so much. But you got family to protect.

[launderer]

Of course it matters, Jesse. [Everything Walt did matters, and while she wanted Walt to tell her everything, she's almost glad he didn't. She would have seen everything he was destroying. It was bad enough being on the receiving end.]

I just-- should have realized. He never told me what he was doing, what he really did. But Gus? I don't even know how far that went, but I know there's a trail of bodies.

[Sky very much knows why she did what she did, but she also knows she's facing a lot of people that want answers when she goes back. And how much of it is going to fall on her shoulders?]

[hostage]

[Jesse briefly averts his eyes. His face is easy to read: he put some of those bodies there, himself. Which is another reason why it's no tragedy that he dies, though he desperately doesn't want to. He's afraid of what's going to happen. He can't even imagine how he's supposed to eventually find the strength to flip. The guilt, maybe, has something to do with it.]

...No way you coulda seen it. I was right there with him and there was still - there was all this stuff he did right under my nose and I never even knew. I mean, I knew it was terrible, but then it got worse. Whenever I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. There's probably still stuff I don't know about.

[launderer]

[She takes a deep breath, trying to swallow down the guilt. What she's learning is that her and Jesse aren't too different in this whole thing. It doesn't make it easier, but there's a small sigh from her.]

I don't know what that means for us in the long run.

[hostage]

[It means they're going to suffer, of course.]

I - I dunno what'll happen when we go home. But we're safe here - from him, at least. And... I know, even when we go back, I'm gonna do everything I can for you and your family. If I'm still alive, if I'm with him wherever he's got your girl - I know for sure I wouldn't let anything happen to her.

[launderer]

[She knows he's trying to be reassuring, and it does mean something, but it's one of those moments where she just knows she's absolutely powerless, here and back home. It's been her worst nightmare in all of this, losing her kids and not being able to do anything about it. Of course even in the worst scenarios of gang violence or cartel hits, she never thought it would be her own husband that did it to her.]

Thank you, Jesse. [She pats his hand before sitting back, still not really comforted, but giving him some sort of smile. She believes him, but it's out of their hands right now.]