exsiliumlogs | Nightmares

Entry tags:

Nightmares

when: oct 24
location: fili and kili's room
who: fili and kili (gasp!)
summary: kili's having nightmares (who could have guessed from the title?)
warnings: discussion of death

Sleeping has become more and more difficult for Kili lately. He's always had a tendency towards nightmares, but they had calmed down considerably since Fili had appeared here. Tonight he was sleeping in his own bed, bottom bunk just beneath his brother, in the hopes that he could make it through another night without incident.

He was wrong.

It all came back to him. Blood, gasping, agony scorching through him, crippling him from the waist down. In his bed, Kili started to hyperventilate and struggle, making small sounds of distress. Please, no, not again... It was that look on Fili's face, the horror and understanding, the helplessness, that was what really destroyed Kili. He cried out in his sleep, fighting wildly.

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Fili was close to finally winning against his body's refusal to sleep tonight – maybe it was the bed's height, or it could be a handful of other reasons – but he found himself jolted back out of it by those sounds. They weren't unfamiliar. He knew what they were, what they meant, and he didn't wait.

Down the ladder he went, only to reach Kili just in time to catch a hand to the face. He took a brief second to confirm that he couldn't tell whether their roommates were sleeping or awake, then quietly pressed on.

The best method was to get Kili to calm down, rather than jarring him into wakefulness, and so Fili did what he could to wrap his arms around his brother without trapping him. Kili didn't have to face these nightmares alone, that was the reminder that he hoped would make it to its recipient.

Kili made a frightened noise at that first contact of Fili's arms around him, still struggling. But slowly, bit by bit, he started to calm, his writhing getting less spastic and his breathing slowly starting to even. Fingers tangled into Fili's nightshirt and Kili trembled.

By the time his eyes fluttered open, the nightmare certainly hadn't left him, but he'd calmed considerably. He shudders and wraps his arms around Fili's neck, wiping hastily at wet eyes.

Not put off by any amount of elbowing in the ribs, Fili tried to be a steady, comforting presence and wait for it to (hopefully) take effect. And there, Kili woke up on his own, just when Fili was starting to doubt his chances of success.

Nothing needed to be said straightaway. No one had to announce that he would stay until morning or request it.

Fili let his hands take over for now, moving them to brush his palm over the nest on Kili's head.

Kili clung to his brother for a few moments, burying his face in his neck. He hated the fact that this kept happening. He woke Fili up on most nights, and no doubt their roommates were frustrated with him by this point too.

Kili tried to muffle the tiny gasping sounds he was starting to make into Fili's shoulder, tried to swallow back that lump in his throat, but he couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry." It came out as a choked whisper between the muffled attempts to stop crying. Kili hated how emotional he was being, hated how easily he cried and how terrified he was now of sleeping. It just wasn't fair. He was a grown dwarf. He should be able to keep it together.

Fili shook his head, lightly knocking it into Kili's as he rested his cheek against Kili's hair. "Don't be," he murmured. "I doubt you asked to sleep badly, Kili." His hand dropped to Kili's back and lay there.

But these nightmares seemed worse than past ones, coming too often. Before this, Fili hadn't seen Kili so shaken up in some time. In the face of it, the routine it was turning into, he felt helpless.

He didn't have to go through many guesses to know what disturbed his brother's nights.

Kili stayed clinging to his brother for some time. The silent crying finally stopped, his breathing evening out against Fili's shoulder. He still felt miserable, but there was something so comforting about his brother's arms.

Fili had never let him down, not really. He made Kili feel safe and protected, and this was no different.

Just in case their roommates are still awake, Kili slipped into their native tongue, not wanting to be overheard or understood. "I'm glad you're here, brother."

It wasn't easy to lie there, feeling Kili trembling in his hold with his efforts to compose himself. It was frustrating for Kili, Fili suspected, even if there was no judgement, but they could only react when the nightmares went after him. They couldn't bar their way for good.

Fili's hand resumed its soothing strokes, this time on top of Kili's shirt, between his shoulder blades. It stilled again when Kili did, and Fili found his brother's hand instead.

He wasn't glad that they were here, but he was glad that it hadn't separated them for long.

Taking Kili's cue, he answered him in kind. "And I'm not going anywhere until we both leave. We'll face all of this together." Including disrupted sleep.

Maybe they were better prepared for what could happen (had happened, even briefly).

Kili breathed in a few more times, just focusing on the sensation of his brother right there. It was very frustrating, yes, but Kili could never express enough gratitude for what Fili did for him.

"I don't know how to make them stop," Kili whispered. "Even when I was out training with Bri, it didn't tire me out enough."

Fili didn't know how to make Kili's stop. His own had eased off enough to let him think that they couldn't burden his brother (or drive their roommates to demand a different room). Sometimes he jerked awake, imagining sightless eyes fixed on him, but he didn't need to look far to reassure himself.

Kili, on the other hand...

"There'll be a way." Fili's whisper was firm, filled with all the conviction he could summon. He had to think of something. "You have me to spar with, too – I won't hold back."

But even round after round of that wouldn't promise Kili dreamless sleep.

Kili let out a sigh and snuggled in more against his brother. He had been missing that, actually. It would be nice to get a few rounds in with Fili. They were evenly matched, and it was always impossible to tell who would win out. Much better exercise than sparring with Celebrian, who was no warrior.

"I'd like that," he murmured. "It's been too long since we had a good spar."

Squeezing Kili's hand, Fili smiled. "Let's change that, starting tomorrow." Or rather, later today.

At home, they could have made it more interesting – the loser would buy the drinks on their next tavern visit, maybe, or wash the winner's socks for two weeks.

At home. He cut himself off there and turned to something else.

"Kili..." It was worth a try. "Have you thought about going to Celebrian?" As a healer, so Fili hoped, she might have an idea. And since she already knew that Kili sometimes suffered from nightmares, there was no reason to think that she would blame herself.

Kili smiled back, reassured by the promise of something a little more normal. Maybe they could fall back into a regular pattern of daily training and exercise together. Something that felt like home, only without Dwalin and Thorin barking at them.

...That could be nice, actually.

Kili's first reaction was to laugh. Celebrian's name amidst the murmured Khuzdul sounded so strange that he had to cover his mouth to smother a giggle. He recovered after a moment, adopting a more serious tone, and shook his head.

"About the nightmares? No, I couldn't. She'd...She's already guilty enough after what happened," he replied quietly. "The last thing I want is for her to find another reason to be upset about it."

Fili didn't realize at first that Kili was fighting back a huff of laughter. It was an odd, unexpected little noise, quickly muffled as Kili shifted. Perplexed, Fili leaned away to peer at his brother.

Whatever had caused it seemed to have passed.

His face fell as Kili answered, though he tried to hide it, counting on the darkened room to do most of the work while he rummaged through his mind for something. They couldn't keep this up with no end to it. Even if they were young and sturdy, they had to get real rest.

"I know." It came out in a quiet sigh. Maybe there was every reason to think that Celebrian would only blame herself even more, and neither of them would do that to her. "But she's someone we can trust." Who else could they turn to, here?

Fili was out of ideas. Unwilling to accept that, he didn't admit to it.

It was a good suggestion, and Kili knew that his brother was trying, but he just couldn't bring himself to make Celebrian feel worse, not when she was finally able to look Kili in the eye again. While she was built of sterner stuff than Kili had first thought, she was still unaccustomed to death and was hardly a warrior. He didn't want to reawaken the guilt he knew she felt at his passing.

A thought came to him, and he looked back at Fili. "Lady Galadriel is a skilled healer as well. Perhaps she could help."

If he could work himself up to ask her.

Kili's own idea meant renewed hope. Relieved, Fili grasped his brother's arm in a light, encouraging grip.

"You did mention her oath. It won't hurt to ask."

It would hurt if it didn't work, but they had to try.

The nagging voice that wanted to keep up its accusations – it didn't have to come to this, just think if Thorin knew – was surprisingly easy to ignore.

"Aye." Kili sighed a little and brought his forehead to knock lightly against Fili's again. It was a comforting gesture meant for the both of them, and Mahal, was he tired.

"I wish it would solve itself." He closed his eyes. "But after this long, I can hardly think it will." Kili let out a sigh. "I don't like asking for help."

Curled up like this as they'd done after past nightmares, maybe they would be granted a couple of peaceful hours.

"If you won't, I will," Fili offered. He wasn't above it, not when it would mean watching the same thing repeat itself again and again and shadows on Kili's face that didn't leave. How could he be?

Kili smiled gratefully at him. Of course Fili would offer... He'd always done more for Kili than he could ever repay.

"Thank you, Fili. But I think I have to do this one on my own," he replied. "And...if I can't, I'll tell you."

Fili's fingers closed around Kili's sleeve once more, fingertips briefly pressing into his arm as Fili gave Kili a slight nod. He understood.

"There's nothing wrong with it, don't forget that." Least of all after the time spent waiting for the nightmares to let up on their own and no luck so far. "Healers are supposed to help others."

"I know." He let out a sigh and leaned against his brother once more. "I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm sorry I keep you up all the time, I don't mean to."

Kili shouldn't have to deal with this, wouldn't have to--

Fili gripped Kili's arm again and shook him, though gently. "I thought I told you that we'll face this together." It should be a given.

After a moment's hesitation, he added, "Do we get up and get started or do we try for another few hours?"

The gentle shake and Fili's words brought a small smile back to Kili's face. He said nothing, through the gratitude was evident in his eyes.

Kili yawned and shrugged. "Decide for me." He was still tired, but there was always that fear that his nightmares would return.

Kili looked and sounded in need of that try for a few more hours of sleep, but the problem was of course how to achieve it. Fili managed to smile a little himself, bringing his hand up to poke Kili in the cheek.

"Done." The yawning settled it. "We don't want to risk sleeping on our feet."

If Kili ran into the same trouble, Fili would be close by, unlike before.

Kili laughed softly when Fili poked him, brushing his hand away and giving him a fond smile.

"Sounds fine by me," he agreed, and settled back down against the mattress, scooting over so that Fili had enough room to properly lie down beside him.

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Nightmares

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