exsiliumlogs | [closed] we carry on as if our time is through

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[closed] we carry on as if our time is through

Date & Time: Prior to zombies and Madoka Magica roundtable.
Location: Moon base ofc. One of the empty rooms idk?
Characters: Kyouko and Sayaka
Summary: Talking about death. And lies via omission!
Warnings: Standard "they are from Madoka Magica" warning applies. So everything from violence, mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts and some sad girls kissing, probably.

[Looking for Sayaka had become, over time, less of a task and more of a single-minded, focused obsession. Kyouko needed very little sleep, she found, if she stopped thinking she needed it, and if she ate enough she didn't get tired anyway. But she is tired. It shows on her face, how worn out she is, an exhaustion more psychological than physical. The nights lasted forever here — it never let up. She saw stars in her brief, restless dreams. She saw the concert hall though, most of all.

Even though she knew she'd done the right thing (for once, in the long train of unforgivable mistakes she'd made in her life), the fallout of it was worse than she'd thought. She hadn't meant for this to happen though, in the moment she'd decided to die for Sayaka's sake. She hadn't realized that things would have changed like this. That her feelings would change, and Sayaka's too.

But there was no way to go back and change it now, and she wouldn't do that if she could. She'd made a promise, and she was hellbent on keeping it. Even if Sayaka pushed her away, even if she felt she didn't deserve it, Kyouko would stay. She wouldn't allow her to be alone, didn't want her to have to deal with the reality of the magical girls — and her death — all by herself.

The Soul Gem cupped in Kyouko's hands is a warm, soothing red light. It pulses brightly as a familiar magical signature gets closer and closer. Is Sayaka nearby?

She hopes so. She's tired.]

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[ It's hard to stay missing, on a moonbase: not going back to her assigned room helps, but there's only so many places to hide. Eventually, Kyouko or one of the others will find her, and she can't have that.

She lacks the skill to put together anything complex, so her missions are short, simple affairs, and she spends her downtime tucked up in whatever dark corner she can find — the west wing of housing is largely unused, and gives her somewhere out of the way to rest. It's dangerous to stay in one place for so long, but it's served her well for nearly a week... until Kyouko rounds the corner, blocking both the door and her only way out. ]

Go away. [ There's no real anger or energy behind it, unlike last time. (There's not much of anything.) She draws her knees up to her chest, and buries her face in them, one hand tightly gripping a plush rabbit — the only thing she'd retrieved from her belongings. Maybe she can't face Madoka now, but she's selfish enough to keep some reminder of better times. ]

[Kyouko had expected a greeting like that, and so she doesn't say anything in response. She moves into the room carefully, as if approaching a skittish cat, and goes to sit next to Sayaka. Close enough to keep an eye on her, distant enough so that she'll be able to predict if things get ugly.

She stares down at the plush rabbit. It didn't seem like Sayaka's style at all, but she supposed in times like this, a person took comfort out of anything, even if it seemed childish.]

I've been looking around for you everywhere. [Is what she finally says. There's no anger in it either — it's surprisingly matter-of-fact, as if they were meeting after a long trip apart from one another.]

[ It's not surprising — she knew Kyouko would look for her, and that's why she tried to make herself hard to find. The passage of time hasn't made facing the truth any easier; in the end, she's still responsible for hurting far too many people.

She glances at the door, trying not to be obvious about it. ]

I told you to leave me alone. [ As useless now as it was then, but she says it anyway. ] ... Don't you get it? This is better for everyone.

[She follows Sayaka's gaze, but she doesn't move to block her off from the door right now. She decides to try another method. Brute force wasn't going to work. She'd just run off again.]

And I told you I wasn't gonna leave you alone. [She wondered if she would remember.] Like I said, I already made my decision. All that stuff about it being better for everyone...

I'm not listening, so you should just leave it alone.

[ She flinches, when Kyouko says that. It's only a vague memory, but it's not vague enough; what happened back then is all too obvious, even viewed underwater through a thick filter of darkness. (She'd been so helpless to stop it, to even think, and that's not something she can ever forgive herself for.) ]

You're an idiot. [ Her expression almost — almost — shifts into a sad smile, but the apathy returns a second later. ] This place... I shouldn't even be here. I don't know why they'd want a monster fighting for them. [ She frowns. ] It could happen again, and I wouldn't... I'd just hurt everyone again. I guess that's the kind of person I am.

Heh. Maybe I am. [She wondered herself, about her dedication to Sayaka, whether or not it was completely stupid. It probably was, but she couldn't bring herself to care.]

It can't happen here. [Said with absolute conviction.] The Soul Gems don't change, you know that. [It had been over a year here — almost two, if she was remembering right — and her own Soul Gem was miraculously clear. Nothing had changed that.] Besides, you're not some monster. You didn't know that was gonna happen, didja?

[ She knows Kyouko's right — their gems have been the same since arriving, with no sign of change. Breaking them is still fatal, though, so if the worst threatens to happen again... there's always a backup plan.

But that isn't good enough for her. ]

I just wanted to disappear. Someone like me is better off dead. [ It doesn't matter whether her transformation was intentional or not. She'd still failed, and the only thing worse than not being a hero is becoming the opposite. ] ... But it's pointless here. The dead don't stay that way.

[ She can't even rest, and it's enough to make her laugh bitterly under her breath. Before all this, when the truth about the soul gems had come out, it only affected herself; now she's a threat to people she promised to protect. ]

Ahaha... I guess I don't have a choice. I'm a coward, but I'll keep fighting for as long as I have to. [ That's still her job, in the end. ]

[She hates when Sayaka talks like this. Not because she doesn't understand it — she had been here, before, she thinks. Staring down a great dark tunnel, with no end in sight. She supposes if she'd started hearing music playing in that moment years ago now, when Mami had saved her, she would have followed it into death too.

But she hates hearing it, because it makes her sad. Seeing a person like Sayaka reduced to this, all her color faded and the light gone out.]

Someone who made a wish just so someone she cared about wouldn't be miserable his whole life. Someone who fought Familiars even though they didn't drop Grief Seeds, 'cause she knew they'd kill people...someone who wanted to protect her best friend.

[She hooks her arms behind her head.] A person like that isn't better off dead.

[What had that Haruto guy said? That there was more to Sayaka than the people she was saving. Kyouko believed it too.]

... Yeah, maybe. But I'm not that person anymore.

[ She's a different kind, now — a person who thought about leaving Hitomi behind. A person who killed, who couldn't even control herself enough to stop hurting her friends. ]

Everything's supposed to balance out. All that good stuff I did... I think I lost sight of it a while ago. [ Things had seemed different, for a while, but how much of that was real? ] I really was stupid, huh?

[ And even now, that hasn't changed. The idea of running away passes briefly through her mind as she glances at the door, more obviously this time — instead she reaches out, hooking her fingers in Kyouko's shirt. This is selfish too, she thinks, but she presses their mouths together anyway; eyes squeezed shut in some futile attempt to keep herself from crying again. ]

You're not — [Kyouko begins a protest, but then Sayaka kisses her, and it's all she can do to keep up. She kisses her back, but gently, and the part of her that enjoys it is drowned out by the part that is concerned and worried at this change. The change she'd recognized during the witch fights in Mitakihara, but hadn't been able to fix.

There's a chance now, a voice says, but that voice is very small. Sometimes Kyouko doubts her capacity to change others, especially Sayaka. It seemed that whoever she cared about, this happened: they were destroyed by others, or destroyed themselves. Remembering that, the danger inherent in allowing Sayaka to continue on in this way.

She pulls away from the kiss, but she keeps her hold on Sayaka's hands.] Hey. Listen to me.

[ The kiss is the only thing keeping her grounded — when it finally ends, she's left with nothing but reality to confront, and that's never gone well for her before. This particular moment, this confrontation, she could easily run from; but it'll catch up with her eventually, just like everything else.

Instead of looking at the door, she buries her face in Kyouko's shoulder and tries not to shake. ]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not alone anymore, right? [ A pang of regret hits her almost instantly, and she sighs. ] Just get it over with.

[ Listening she can do. Actually taking in anything Kyouko says, well... that's a different matter, but at least she's willing to try. ]

I wasn't gonna say that.

[She turns away a little, though. Kyouko was, as a rule, not wounded by many things, but there was only so much she could deal with at once.]

So you can't be the person you used to be. That doesn't mean you just give up either.

[Carefully, as if worried about spooking her, she places her hand atop Sayaka's head.] You can be a new person.

There's no point.

[ She doesn't say it to be dismissive — it's just the truth. Kyouko's touch makes her shrink into herself a little more, but she somehow avoids flinching from the contact, even as she feels her chest tighten. ]

I was... I was supposed to be different from everyone. Like Mami-san was. [ Is, she supposes, but it's still hard to think of her as a person and not an ideal. ] I don't know how to be anything else.

There's always a point.

[She settles in closer, resting her chin atop Sayaka's head.] You don't have to be like her, y'know. [Quieter, she adds:] I like you as yourself.

I don't.

[ She never did, if she's being honest. That part of her answer comes fast, but she hesitates over the rest, fingers idly twitching against the floor. ]

But I... your opinion means a lot to me, too. Nobody's ever really told me that. [ That it's okay to be herself, instead of self-destructing in the quest for perfection. ] Do you really believe it?

[Well, that was another thing that they had in common, Kyouko thought. She didn't particularly like herself, either. This had been accepted a long time ago, and so there was no real pain that accompanied the thought. A fact was a fact.

But she pauses too, at what Sayaka says next. It makes her sad to think about, and somewhat baffled, that a person like Sayaka had never had anyone say, it's all right. I love you as you are.

It hurts a little, to think about, but at least she can help with this. Or try to, anyway.]

Yeah. I wouldn't lie about something like that. Oi...you bonehead. Do you think I woulda put up with you this long if I didn't like you as yourself? [She smiles a little, trying to lighten the mood.] You're pretty annoying, you know, and way too reckless, and loud and stubborn...

But I like you just fine.

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[closed] we carry on as if our time is through

no to all of this

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argh

lateeeee

i forgive you i guess

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