exsiliumlogs | say what you wanna say and let the words fall out

[A beach. Perhaps this isn't too surprising, knowing Mahdi. It's a fairly neutral sort of setting at least. Not one he has any terrible memories of in any case. Even if it perhaps seems sort of dreary, he can't help but watch the waves, feel the sand between his toes, having taken his shoes off upon entering.

He approaches, giving a much less energetic wave than the other, trying to decide whether to remain standing or seat himself down. He sits down, his legs splayed in front of him and leaning back on his arms.]

I take it you like the beach?

This is the only beach I've been to, really. Aside from that one mission.

[Mahdi sits next to Hisoka, close but not touching.]

We could only come on a day when a lot of people wouldn't be around. It was really amazing.

Hm. I suppose I haven't really been to the beach much myself either. They're...nice though. Calming with the waves. I didn't really get to travel much until I met Tsuzuki.

[After he had died and taken on the job of a shinigami, which required traveling for their cases and assignments. While alive he was much more sheltered and mostly stayed at home, being so sickly and with his parents and family worried and fearful of his empathy.

He looks to Mahdi, raising his gaze and shifting it from the waves to his friend, trying to figure where to even begin to go into the whole mess Muraki has made of his life. Of Tsuzuki's. And so many others. Maria Wong, Tsubaki-hime, Oriya....]

Mahdi-san, Muraki...he's done a lot of bad things back home.

[And that is barely scratching the surface, but to the point. Muraki is always something of a touchy subject. Especially for Hisoka, as his killer. He's rarely as emotional and angry unless Muraki is involved, for obvious reasons. He purses his lips, looking to the waves again.]

He's the one that killed me back home.

Edited 2013-12-08 09:46 (UTC)

Oh, Hisoka. [The angel sounds heartbroken.] I thought there was something different about your soul.

[Mahdi speaks quietly, with a nod of understanding.]

I'm really sorry he did that to you. You're really young, it must have been really difficult.

[Mahdi scoots in ever-so-slightly closer, offering a light pat on the shoulder.]

Do you want a hug?

You did? Well, me being a shinigami probably explains that. Tsuzuki, Watari-san, Tatsumi-san, all of us are.

[It's not exactly something he tells just everybody. But he wants Mahdi to at least be prepared in the event Muraki did show up. Otherwise he probably would have just kept quiet about it. He's sure if Muraki did figure he has some sort of friendship with the other, Mahdi could be in danger as a result. So he's wanting to warn him in that event. He turns his gaze back to Mahdi at the question and hand at his shoulder.]

I was thirteen, initially. The curse he put on me took the next three years to slowly kill me over time. Because just wiping that night from my memory when I caught him killing someone wasn't enough.

[He looks back to the sand at his feet, shaking his head in answer but leaning slightly closer to Mahdi. Hugs aren't something he's up to right now. But some lighter contact isn't too bad. Tsuzuki is slowly helping to get him opening up a bit more, being more tolerant than he used to be about it.]

[Mahdi recognizes the term 'shinigami' as another word for 'reaper', and resolves to ask Hisoka more about that when the time is appropriate. Ze keeps hir hand on Hisoka's shoulder but does not initiate any further contact.]

Only someone who enjoyed the suffering of others would do a thing like that. Souls depart their bodies in their own time, but to kill someone slowly... [Mahdi shakes hir head.] That's just awful. And he wiped your memory? What kind of power does he have, to be able to do that?

Yeah. It's...complicated. I'm not even entirely sure after all our encounters with him that we know all of his tricks or powers. But we know he is something of a cockroach, nothing yet seems to have been able to kill him. We thought the fire in Kyoto might have, but....well, it didn't. I know it didn't.

[One hand goes to the other, clenching at his shirt a bit. The curse always told him if Muraki was around. He'd never be free of it until the doctor himself was dead. Hisoka is desperate to get revenge. Not just for the rape, curse and death Muraki inflicted on him, but because of Tsuzuki. His partner being so helpless that he was willing to sacrifice himself to kill the bastard. ]

The important thing is that I don't want you getting involved if he does show up. Just stay away from him if he comes here, okay?

If he shows up, I'll do my best to avoid him.

[Which is not exactly the same as promising to stay away and just shy of an outright lie. Mahdi is concerned about this situation because of a few of the details ze doesn't know much about, and more because ze cares for Hisoka. Hisoka's the kind of person who likes to act tough, but is hurting. Mahdi wants to nurture and protect him.]

Is it okay for me to tell other people about him? If he shows up, I mean. My friend Ashraf works at the clinic and I visit there often.

Good. Everyone should. Though I haven't really told anyone else yet. It also depends on whether people believe me about him, what he did back home. But he isn't here yet so this might not even be an issue for all we know. I just want to be prepared in case he does, you know?

[Hisoka considers the question for a moment. Chances are, Muraki probably would try to infiltrate the clinic. So alerting the staff there probably isn't a bad idea.]

If he does show up, we probably should let the clinic know. I haven't even told you the half of what he did back home, but hopefully not all of that will need to go into detail over.

I know. I have - someone like that too. Someone I have to protect people against if he ever turns up. [But it's not about hir problems right now.]

And I'll believe anything you tell me, Hisoka. You have no reason to lie to me, and it's pretty obvious that he put you some horrible things. If you told me anything at all about it, I'd believe it because of how hard it would be for you to tell me. The truth can be harder to speak than a lie.

[Someone's speaking from experience.]

And the healers, I think they'd believe you too. Their job is to help people. That involves listening.

I guess we're not the only ones with....an enemy of sorts back home.

[Hisoka listens, nodding and considering what Mahdi says. He's just not necessarily used to having things go this smoothly. Having people believe him so easily. But then given his past of course Hisoka is more jaded and cynical.]

I can only hope people don't think we are lying. He can be pretty manipulative and cunning, it wouldn't surprise me if he tries to win people over saying we're lying about him or something. But it's not just me - him being here would affect Tsuzuki as well. That's what I'm mostly worried about. Given what happened the last time he kidnapped Tsuzuki, I mean.

You've been here longer, and you don't have any reason to lie or cause trouble for someone. I know it's tough to trust others, especially when you think people won't listen.

[Mahdi winces at the mentioning of kidnapping - ze was pretty thoroughly traumatized by being kidnapped by the UE, after all, but that still doesn't sound as bad as actually dying.]

I don't blame you. My boyfriend... there are some people who really hurt him back in his world. I'd be way more upset if one of them turned up. Like, it's one thing if you get hurt, right? But when it's someone you care about, especially if you think you might not be able to protect them... that's the worst.

Being here longer doesn't necessarily mean anything. It isn't like we have any control over that. But I suppose there's nothing for it but to hope that people will believe us. Without us hopefully giving out too many...personal details regarding the things he has done.

[There's a pause then, as he listens. Part of him can't help but be a little taken aback. Because Mahdi really does pretty much voice his fear aloud. His reason for the desire to get stronger ever since he got here, recovered from Kyoto: to protect his partner. To keep Tsuzuki safe, so that there is never a repeat of that. So they could be more equal, not him relying on Tsuzuki and hating feeling so helpless at times.]

Yeah. That's right. I just want to make sure Tsuzuki will be safe. I haven't been able to help him nearly as much as he has for me.

You might have helped him more than you know. Most relationships are like that.

[Mahdi squeezes Hisoka's shoulder, then sits back on the log, sighing.]

It does make a difference whether you've been here longer. Since you've been here, people have gotten to know you, at least a little bit. That means they'll trust you more.

And, um, you were just a kid when you were killed, right? Between a kid and an adult - I'm assuming he is because he's a doctor - it's best to believe the kid. Because you're a victim here.

[Mahdi swallows a little, made nervous not by the talk but by all the things the subject skirts close to.]

So don't worry about stuff like that. There are people here who have good heads on their shoulders. They'll stand up for you.

[A bit of a self-deprecating smile:] I can't say for sure my head's a good one, but I'll always stand up for you.

Maybe. I hope I have.

[The change in both is likely more evident in Hisoka than Tsuzuki considering right from the start Tsuzuki was willing to risk himself to save his new partner, how over time Hisoka has become more tolerant of Tsuzuki's giddiness and physical affections. To some extent this also means he is more tolerant of others also touching him. Like right now, he doesn't brush Mahdi's hand from his shoulder instinctively and snap at him like he might have in the past.]

I was sixteen. I'm not sure how old he is exactly, but he's an adult, yes.

[He's never particularly considered himself a victim. He just wants revenge. To be the one to put an end to Muraki. But he nods, giving a small shrug.]

All I can do is hope you're right, I guess. It's not necessarily something I need to worry about yet anyway. But....thanks.

[There's something of a curve at the corners of his lips. A rare smile of gratitude from the shinigami at Mahdi's understanding and reassurance.]

This is what I'm here for. I show my love to the souls of humans, so they can find a better path.

[Mahdi shrugs. It's not a big deal to hir.]

Before, you called yourself shinigami... if I remember my training, that's a word for reaper, right? Someone who guides the souls of the dead.

It is. Most people here probably don't know about us. But Tsuzuki and I are tasked to the investigate strange deaths and ensure they pass on, guide them back to Meifu. Why? I can try answer any questions. Mostly I just wanted to warn you about him in case he shows up, so that's the more important thing out of the way.

[Which was the main priority and concern for Hisoka in meeting Mahdi. He's not as worried about what they talk about from here on. He knows the shinigami thing is mostly a secret but that doesn't worry him with Mahdi. He trusts his friend, and it's important and bound to come out if and when Muraki shows up that they aren't human.]

[Mahdi beams so brightly at Hisoka ze may as well have been exuding real sunlight.]

In my world, my kind were created solely to observe and aid the souls of humanity, unseen. Retrieving the souls of the dead was a different department, but I worked in the same offices as people who did you job!

We're on the same team!

Yes, there were different departments within the shinigami as well. Watari and Tatsumi didn't really do field work but helped more with the finances and technology side of things.

[Wow that smile, Mahdi. And people might wonder why you remind him so much of Tsuzuki at times. This is why. All this happiness and giddiness and enthusiasm, gosh. Hisoka blinks a bit but considers this. It probably does explain quite a bit, really. Even moreso in regards to how Hisoka got to know and be friends with him, trusting him like this.]

But, that said, it does sound like things were perhaps rather similar between your job and mine.

Yeah. I actually think it's great that it would be humans helping one another in your world.

But, I think it would take a lot of strength, emotionally.

[Mahdi gazes upon Hisoka with admiration.]

It's hard enough for someone like me to see humans hurt each other and suffer.

Well, all shinigami were once humans. But once they get to Meifu and are accepted, they're not human anymore. Even here I'm still different.

[He's always different. With his empathy even while alive. And that hasn't changed here, not really. Even here it doesn't seem that empathy is all too common, although a lot of people have or had some strange powers back home. He shrugs, hugging his knees a little.]

Each case is different. Some are easier than others. I think Tsuzuki takes it harder than I do.

At least you guys have each other, right? And your friends in your world. Even if you're all different people, you are, in a way, all the same kind.

[Mahdi doesn't outright say it, but all ze can think of is how ze is the only one of her kind here. How hir job and personal life involved many years of painful isolation.]

I hope you don't think being different is a bad thing, though.

We do, yes. We're all given partners, or, those that go out into the field like Tsuzuki and I are anyway. But we all are working towards the same goal, even if we might have our own personal ones as well.

[He pauses at that though. Being different. It's something he has dealt with his entire life and has never exactly been a good thing in his experience. Hisoka gives Mahdi a searching look before looking back out to the waves.]

It's never been a good thing in my experience. At least, not where my empathy is concerned.

[Mahdi blinks back at him expectantly: long lashes, violet eyes.] Your empathy? [Hisoka doesn't seem like the type of person who sympathizes very with others...]

I...can literally feel other people's emotions, hear their thoughts. It's heightened when people touch me. It's why I don't like crowds, part of why I don't usually like being touched much.

[It's quiet, looking to Mahdi again for a moment, bringing up a hand to brush some bangs from his face. The empathy is generally enough explanation really, without going into other details of his initial meeting with Muraki.]

That must've made life really difficult for you. I see people's souls, but I don't know them, or their deeds, just the sum of it, and even that feels like a burden sometimes. It'd be easier not to know.

[But that is hir job. Maybe ze didn't elect to come here, but Mahdi certainly elected to work with humans. It sounds like Hisoka had no choice.]

But um - I'm usually um, immune to that kind of things! Humans can't read me, nor my own kind! So I hope I can give you some relief... Such a power could be so helpful sometimes, but a huge burden the rest, is my guess.

Hm. It does sound like your ability is different but perhaps somewhat similar in a way.

[Hisoka shrugs. He is used to it by now. All the things he wishes he didn't pick up on over the years as he gained more control over his empathy. Coming to reluctantly accept that it's not something he can change or just switch off even if he has gotten better about it over time.]

I have noticed it seems a bit harder with you. Which is probably a good thing in my case. It's nice not to constantly have someone like Tsuzuki babbling not just aloud but in his head all the time. Or all the things I pick up on that I don't want or mean to.

No wonder you don't like crowds.

You must be a really strong person, dealing with all of this as well as you have.

I never have. I'm sure it probably wasn't nearly so bad until my empathy came though. I can usually last about a half an hour before it tires me out.

[As for being strong. Well, Hisoka tries. It's all he can do, given his circumstances. He has no choice but to deal with it given his empathy is not something he can just shut off at will, constantly active though he has gained more control over it over the years.]

I don't know about being strong. I haven't had a choice but to deal with it and keep going.

That's not true. You could have given up on being alive.

[Mahdi speaks with clear certainty.]

Well, technically I'm dead, being a shinigami. But like hell I was going to let Muraki get away with what he did! To me and to Tsuzuki. No, he's going to pay for what he did and I'm going to be the one to do it!

[Because from the start, his goal was to investigate his death, uncovering that he was technically murdered and wanting to find out more. Once confronted with the doctor, ever since then Hisoka has been motivated by revenge. His hatred for the man and everything he has done. It's always been something of a sore topic, making Hisoka easy to rile up where Muraki is concerned, for obvious reasons. The anger and tension from Hisoka is all but overwhelming at the idea of giving up, letting him get away with killing Hisoka, drawing Tsuzuki to such desperation as to attempt suicide. No, giving up has never been, nor will it ever be an option for the empath.]

--You'd really like my sister Fayra. She's a determined person, like you. She wants people to get paid back for anything wrong they did. She's tough.

Maybe that's why I'm fond of you.

[Mahdi smiles a little.]

I'm just not like that.

What? Your sister? I don't recall you mentioning a sister before.

[Hisoka himself had one but she was kind of murdered before he was born. He's mostly blocked out the trauma of being taken to her grave by his father, which is probably for the better really. Hisoka has a fucked up family and you do not want to go into that, Mahdi.]

I know. You're more like Tsuzuki. More willing to smile and forgive.

I have two sisters - and a sister-in-law. And probably a niece or nephew, by now.

[Mahdi digs hir toe in the sand, making a hollow and frowning a little at it.]

I don't know if it's forgiveness or just fear and desperation. But. I didn't bring you here to talk about me.

Huh. Family.....mine was never that big. And I doubt it's grown since I....left. [Or, since he died, more accurately. But leaving is the same thing. He's never gone back and never wants to. Not after his childhood. He shifts slightly, a little unsure and uncomfortable at the talk of family. He's tried to forget all that, as much as one can anyway. Put it behind him and focus more on the present.]

Either way doesn't it amount to the same thing in the end? I don't mind talking about you. Probably better than listening to me and my past. I've said what I came here to say.

It's okay if you're done talking about it, I just want you to know I'm ready to listen if you want to talk more. I haven't been to Japan, for instance - I'd really like to hear about it.

[Mahdi shrugs.]

As for me, I don't know. I've stuck around in situations where I should've left, because I was useless to save it. I wanted to do the right thing, but in the end I was probably just plain afraid that if I admitted defeat, it meant I didn't care and I was a bad person.

What did you want to know about it? I was kind of...sheltered growing up, but I got to see a bit more with Tsuzuki later on.

[After dying and getting away from his family. But, details. Hisoka listens, understanding what Mahdi means, or thinking he does, for the most part. Sort of like with Tsuzuki in Kyoto perhaps. Hisoka was told to let it go, to leave him. But refused, ignoring Tsuzuki's wishes and risking his own life in the process.]

You're not the only one that's done something you possibly shouldn't have trying to save someone. And you're....of course you care. You're a good person.

...Good, yeah, but pretty stupid sometimes. I'm willing to accept that about myself.

[Mahdi leans far, far back on the long, squishing hir fingers into the sand behind.]

As for Japan... What is the most beautiful sight you saw in Japan? The most amazing? The best food?

Everyone has their stupid moments. Even me.

The most beautiful....I guess most would say the sakura, the cherry trees, I mean. But I liked the rural areas. They're....peaceful. Away from all the business and noise and lights of the cities. As for food, I guess I admit I probably like mine plain or blander than some. I...I like the simple things. Like the riceballs. [That you make, except Hisoka doesn't finish that.]

That suits you. Nothing too complicated, huh? Life's complicated enough.

I think there's something great about foods that are simple too, but on the other hand I like to experiment with combinations!

It'd be really nice to go to the country somewhere someday, or maybe out to the mountains in the snow. Jack and I have talked about doing that, maybe the winter holidays.

Exactly. I guess part of it might be that I didn't get outside a lot back home much. Most of my time was spent inside, or if I was outside, just around the family property, really.

[He shrugs. Food and food preferences are subjective, really. So he understands that.] Experimenting is fine so long as you don't go too overboard with it.

You think? I don't do extreme temperatures well, but so long as you're prepared I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves.

I'm hoping it will be just like the movies! We'll make a snow person and go on sleddings and drink hot chocolate and snuggle!

[Mahdi rocks happily, imagining such a fantasy.]

It's nice to have someone to do those kind of things like that.

Edited 2014-01-22 01:07 (UTC)

say what you wanna say and let the words fall out

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