exsiliumlogs | I'm not sure who I am but I know who I've been.

Entry tags:

I'm not sure who I am but I know who I've been.

Date & Time: January 8
Location: initially the arrival area and then... wherever
Characters: Jesse & Steph & some others later
Summary: Jesse returns to Exsilium.
Warnings: So many Breaking Bad spoilers. So, so many. Like, for real, y'all. Also graphic descriptions of stuff.

[The second he opens his eyes and sees something other than the inside of a cell, he makes a break for it. What he does see makes little sense to him, but it couldn't matter less right now. There are way too many people. Maybe he should ask them for help - but he doesn't. He won't risk it. He shoulders past them, hobbling and nearly tripping over the shackles around his ankles. What he's doing can't be called running, exactly, but it's as close to it as he can get.

To anyone who might catch a glimpse of him among the new arrivals, he hardly looks like Jesse Pinkman anymore. His hair and beard both have grown out some, though that's the least of it. "Beaten to a pulp" is an all-too-accurate description of the state of his face, still bloody and raw and probably infected by now, because he's dirty, too. And stinking - of urine and meth lab and god-knows-what-else. Some of his wounds can't be seen, except for where the blood has soaked into his shirt, but from the way he's hunching, a few ribs must be broken. It doesn't help that his wrists are handcuffed and chained to his waist. The scorpion tattoo on his right hand helps to positively identify him.

He can't really see where he's going. One eye is swollen shut and the other isn't used to this much light. When he pushes his way out of the enclosed space and into the open air, he's altogether blinded by the glare of the sun and the snow. That same snow is impossible to wade through when he's in chains, and he falls as soon as his feet hit it, down onto his knees and then rolling onto his back.

He lets out a panicked scream when that happens, jerking and struggling to roll over again so that he can try to climb up. But he can't - not like this. That's the whole reason they tied him up this way. It doesn't take him long to reach that realization, and rather than keep fighting like that, he starts to crawl. It was cold in his cell and it's much colder now, the snow soaking into his clothes and freezing him, but he doesn't stop.

He has to keep going.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Mike assumed as much. By the way Jesse was acting, by the state of his clothes—]

How bad?

[he isn't sure he wants to know]

He got sick of my shit. I mean, of course he did. But he did something about it, finally.

[A cold bitterness creeps into Jesse's voice and stays there.]

At first, he tried to do it quiet, 'cause the heat was coming down on me. Him and Saul, some bullshit about getting me outta town. Who the hell knows what they were gonna do with me if I went along with it. Were probably gonna gimme the same send-off they gave you.

Anyway, I snapped when I started putting things together. Went after Saul first, busted him up pretty bad. Then I went and tried to burn Mr. White's house down.

His brother-in-law - Schrader - he caught me at it. Lighter and gasoline and everything.

Putting things together—like what? Don't just gloss over the details.

[because this is Mike you're talking to, Jesse. Those details are important, especially when it comes to possible reappearances by certain meth kingpins]

[Glossing over is so much easier than talking about it. Jesse takes a breath.]

It goes back... Back when we were working for Gus, Mr. White had me carrying this capsule of ricin in one of my cigarettes. I was supposed to use it. On Gus. You know, first chance I got.

Except, you know, Mexico. Everything was different after that. Gus was okay with keeping Mr. White alive, just firing him, and I was working in the lab, and everything was okay with us, right? Except Mr. White, who was all crazy paranoid thinking Gus was still after him.

[the expression on Mike's face sours; that whole mess was a shitstorm and a half, and there was a lot he could say about it. But what could he have done, when he was recovering down in Mexico?

He keeps those thoughts to himself]

Go on.

He came to my house once he figured out I was back from Mexico, back in the lab. He was begging me not to cook without him and of course I told him to fuck off. But while he was there, he saw my girlfriend and her kid, Brock. And I guess that's when he got the whole idea.

Couple days later, he had Saul call me over to his office and Saul had one of his guys lift the cigarette off me without me noticing. Few hours later, Brock was in the hospital. Poisoned.

I figured it out right away. I went straight to Mr. White's house. I was gonna kill him.

[Jesse's lips pull back in revulsion.]

But he worked his magic on me. Convinced me it was Gus who did it, that Tyrus lifted the cigarette while I was in the lab, that Gus wanted me to think it was Mr. White who did it so I'd take care of him myself.

That's how he got me to help him kill Gus.

[so that's how it went down. He should have known, should have realized that there was more going on because of Walter than he had realized. He should've insisted on coming back sooner, doctor's orders be damned]

I can't say I'm surprised.

'course not. If you'da been there, you woulda been onto his game. I'm just an idiot.

[Mike rolls his eyes]

You're an idiot, I won't argue that. But not because you didn't catch on.

[Jesse nods. He knows it's not all his fault, now. He's an idiot, yeah, but Mr. White also knew exactly how to play him. That much isn't his fault. Walter fucking White gets the blame for this.]

Anyway, I rolled on him. I ain't proud of that, but I was so mad, all I could think about was doing anything to take him down. I told Schrader everything. I mean everything.

[Mike didn't like Schrader; smug son of a bitch was up Mike's ass for far too long. But if there was anyone he could think of that he'd tell Walter White about? Schrader was the guy]

I'm assuming Schrader went after Walter, following that.

We both did.

He didn't wanna put me in lock-up 'cause he figured I'd get shanked before I could testify, so he had me hiding out at his own house. I taped a confession, got the whole story on record.

Then we were gonna pull a sting. They put a wire on me. Walt left this message on my phone, telling me to meet him downtown. I figured it was a trap, but Schrader wanted to send me out there anyway.

Well, it was a trap. I saw his guy before he saw me, so I got outta there and we came up with another plan.

[this is going somewhere Mike isn't going to like. He knows it, can feel it in his bones - all those times he had a bad feeling, he has it now]

What was the next plan?

Well, we needed hard evidence, right? So we tricked him into leading us to where he'd buried his money. Ended up being out in the desert, the first place we'd ever cooked.

[Jesse shakes his head and bites his fist.]

We had him. He was out there by himself, and it was me and Schrader and his partner, and we had Walt on his knees and in cuffs. I mean, Schrader read him his rights and everything. It was perfect.

But we were too damn slow about it. We didn't think about how he mighta called for backup while we were driving up. We didn't get out in time before Walt's guys showed up.

[from talking with Skyler, Mike can piece together a bit of what came next; Shrader's death, and with the condition Jesse came back in, well - that.

He wants Walt to show up, now. Wants him to show up so Mike can do what he wanted to do a long time ago, revival technology or not.

He isn't sure, though, if he wants to hear what comes next]

[He knows what Mike's thinking. And Jesse wouldn't move a muscle to stop him from doing it. Not anymore.]

It was Todd, and his uncle and their guys. There was a gunfight. I crawled under Walt's car while everybody was shooting, hoped they wouldn't see me.

When it was over, you know, Schrader and his partner were dead. They still couldn't find me, so they were packing up to go.

But Walt caught me under there. Had 'em drag me out. They were gonna do me execution-style, but Todd stopped 'em.

[He adds bitterly after a moment:]

You can probably guess it wasn't outta the goodness of his heart.

I assumed as much.

[he shakes his head, faintly, and brings a hand up to rub at his face. It was almost impressive, how everything just went to shit so quickly after he was gone. He isn't even surprised by it anymore; just impressed, in a pessimistic sort of way]

I dunno how long they tortured me for. I lost track.

Eventually they stopped. When I could move again, they made me cook for 'em. Walt skipped town and I guess Todd sucked at it, so...

[He raises his shoulders in a heavy shrug, exhaling a long sigh.]

Anyway, that's it. That's how it is now.

Was.

[it's the first thing that comes to mind, and the first thing Mike has to say. It may have been like that for Jesse, but like hell will Mike let him go back to that. Or let it happen here]

Christ, kid, you should've skipped town when I told you to. [he reaches up to rub at his face; it's not accusing, it's not a reprimand - it just sounds tired. They both should've gotten the hell out of dodge while they could have]

[Was. Jesse nods at the reminder. He's going to need a lot of those reminders. How long will it be before he stops seeing Jack or Todd lurking in the shadows, at the corner of his vision? How long before he can stop hearing Walt hissing Pinkman in his ear? Before he stops feeling gun metal brushing against his hair or the tip of a knife scraping against the skin of his lower back?]

I know.

[He swallows, looking at the floor.]

I'll make it right someday.

There's nothing to make right.

[another reminder Jesse needs] Unless you plan on doing something stupid, you don't have to deal with it here. Walter, his guys, none of that is here.

Just live your life, kid. If you really want to make it right so bad, then do that instead.

[He shakes his head, though he looks sorry for arguing.]

I can't. I can't leave it like that when we got the power to fix it.

And what do you plan on fixing?

[he isn't even sure how to go about fixing it himself]

I'll go back and kill him before it all goes bad.

[Mike just gives him a hard look. After everything the kid's gone through, he doesn't doubt that Jesse feels that way.

What he doubts is that Jesse can actually follow through]

(no subject)

hostage - 2014-02-03 11:33 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

fullmeasure - 2014-02-04 00:51 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only