day one, day one, start over again

[crab]

Date & Time: january 5th, year 2013
Location: new york city
Characters: karkat vantas and soldier blue.
Summary: sometimes you may not want to let go of the past.
Warnings: feeling levels surpassing critical mass and also a lot of profanity, it's karkat.

It is an entirely impulsive decision, and one he second guesses throughout every stage of its execution. The moment he sends a text to Blue's tablet -- "SO YOU CAN STILL DO THAT DIVERSION THING RIGHT" -- he wants to claw the message right back, change his mind then and there. He doesn't, though. It's weakness, again, and hypocritical of him, too, but he can't shake the idea once he's thought of it.

To go back to the iteration of the City that exists on this planet. The one known as New York, here.

And if he's going to succumb to that weakness, then, well, why shouldn't he take Blue? The pointless icing on the pathetic grubcake. Besides, he doesn't want anyone to notice him going, particularly not the mechanic -- and Blue is the only one he is aware of able to facilitate that. In that regard, he has little other choice, if he really wants to go. And he does.

He wants to see the City.

He wants to go home.

Comments

[crab]

"Hey!" Karkat startles at Blue's reaction -- certainly, the transition is disorienting, but the feeling is familiar enough that it doesn't bother him overmuch. How Blue's powers may be affected by the number of people surrounding them does not immediately cross his mind.

A hand goes to Blue's shoulder, Karkat stooping to try and get a look at his face.

"Hey, are you okay? Now's not the time for a meltdown, buddy."

[firstroar]

The simple act of Karkat making physical contact is in some way like turning the volume down, dimming lights, or spitting out the terrible taste; being a point of attention gives Blue something very distinct to focus on and let the rest start to blend into the background.

He drags a hand down enough to peer at Karkat through his fingers, eyes dilated and wide.

I need– His jaw clenches tighter, preventing him from even trying to speak. Telepathy it is. A minute. Are we safe? There's a lot...

[crab]

Karkat flinches at the sound of Blue's voice in his head, alarm, almost panic spiking in response to it. His instinctive response is to try and shut him out (get out, stay out), but for the moment, he stifles it, hooking a hand under one of Blue's arms, trying to haul him back into a standing position.

"We're fine, unless you're afraid of getting trampled by disgruntled shoppers. You're making a scene, though. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you right now, get up," he both says and thinks in Blue's direction, unsure whether or not he's supposed to be communicating aloud or mentally. His discomfort with telepathy is palpable.

[firstroar]

Blue reaches out and grasps at one of the metal racks close-by, and between that and Karkat's efforts, he's on his feet proper again, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them wide a few times in an outward effort to get his bearings. He inhales and holds the breath for a few seconds before letting it go, repeating it twice more and pulling away from Karkat's hold in the process.

Right...It's just like walking into the Hold on a day of new arrivals, only...well, a good big larger. But less confused and outraged; these people are in routines, not outspoken out of fear or contempt. The pulses of real danger are too far to feel unless he looks for them.

The first test comes from a person whose job requires noticing people; Blue feels the prickle of attention beyond Karkat from someone weaving through blouses and the like their way and goes very still, turning his attention there. This way, she's thinking she'll have something else to do besides fold, but...a little nudging turns her focus back to just that. Maybe the job wasn't quite done right, and it'd be more a hassle to be yelled at for that than not bothering enough people who didn't want her doing so anyway.

She turns away, and Blue breathes out, losing a lot of the tension that had stayed with him after that initial shock.

"There..."

[crab]

Once Blue seems to be getting over his episode, Karkat turns, to survey the store. It's not one he recognizes, but then, he'd always disliked large stores. Too many crowds, and his empathy had made it-- oh. The reason for Blue's initial distress is suddenly clearer. Of course it would be overwhelming, being exposed to this many people all at once.

He needs to get his bearings, though, and he can't do that in the store. Out to the busy streets they must go.

"If you're done with your inexplicable shit flipping, we need to get moving," he tells him, with more conviction than he feels. Where exactly does he think he's going to go, once he knows where he is? Why come here in the first place? Why bring the psychic empath that also happens to be capable of telepathy?

Too late for second thoughts now, though.

[firstroar]

It's gotten easier to let the unpleasant phrasing Karkat's apt for slide; Blue's still trying to adjust, so all the more excuse. He's hesitating though, still trying to wrap his head around this vibrant place...this was easier before, he thinks. Had to be. He belonged to the same City once...and being aware of that, this is a shade nostalgic.

"Right..."

Little flickerings of doubt and unease from Karkat draw his attention back, and turns to face him, nodding.

"Lead on."

[crab]

And lead on he does, navigating their way out of the store, through the complex and its crowds of busy shoppers, until they both find themselves standing on the pavement of present day New York City.

Outside, awareness of their location truly hits home. He could be back in the City, the one he remembers, right now. Karkat knows this street, can recognize the department store for which one it is now they're standing outside it. He knows where he is, and he knows how to get home, from here. He almost expects his old communicator to buzz in his pocket, with one of his friends badgering him with their latest romantic crisis. As if the past month had been little more than an unpleasant dream.

As if nothing had changed.

But travelling back in time won't return him to the universe he'd been stolen from. Only to a pale, alternate imitation. He knows that.

"You recognize this place, right?" he hedges, hesitation and discomfort heavy both in his voice and the ever-present cloud of negativity that makes up his empathic output. He feels sick, nauseous, uncertain as to how to proceed, but giving up on the endeavor doesn't cross his mind as an option. He may regret his decision, but returning to New York remains as compelling as it had been from the idea's genesis.

[firstroar]

Blue's had dreams where the outlines of the City filled the horizon, hazy and unspecific, where the uneven lines would send his sleeping gaze around, seeking out more familiar shapes and colors and thoughts. They were never formed enough to give him the nostalgia he needs to connect every dot.

Karkat, however, has a color of confidence in what he sees. It's his certainty of place and time, overlapping it with the past, that Blue follows along with; it pushes him to reach farther into the confines of his own memory to try and paint the pictures for himself. The task gives him some relief from the swirls of emotions outside himself, a means to pushing it all into background noise.

Even so, it's Karkat's nostalgia, not Blue's, that drives this work along. Karkat's recognition of similar streets and cars and colors. It gives Blue the feeling of standing blindly at the threshold of something...or the cliff-edge of one. Queasy anticipation.

But he can't forget he's here at Karkat's request, not his own sake; Neither of them would fit particularly well among these people unguarded.

He lets Karkat's question hang in the air for a time, eyes following the heights. Tourists, both of them, but him moreso.

"This is like that world," he says slowly. "Isn't it...? The number of people...everything so close together."

I've had to adjust to crowds like this before, haven't I?

[crab]

"It's the same City," Karkat confirms. "Different universe, though."

In part, the lack of his own empathy helps Karkat distance himself from their surroundings, remind him they aren't the same, no matter how identical they may look. There's less of a connection, this way. Being limited to merely his own emotions feels more isolated than it should, and that sense of isolation deepens here, in these familiar surroundings, surroundings he'd never experienced without that power.

It's unthinking, almost automatic, when he turns, and begins to walk. Home is further away, would require a cab or a bus to reach, but there is somewhere else he wants to see, somewhere much, much closer. Queasy anticipation is right.

[firstroar]

Like how the Terra he's searched for his entire life is the same Earth, but...different. Different universe, time and all. It's one of those concepts Blue has to swallow without trying to catch the taste going down, otherwise it'll just trouble him more.

Blue's fingers catch at Karkat's sleeve for a handful of steps, just enough to match pace and not leave him out of range of his gift; it's almost painful to have to shift his attention away, but he does. It's why he's here.

Still, he tries to fill the streets and skyline with things from memory – his own, if he can, but he doesn't know how he can be sure what amount belongs to him and not those who've already given him glimpses to work with. And with Karkat so close and so focused on his own, it's even harder.

He glances a passing café window with a reflection that puts the both of them in the scene properly, following it with a slight turn of his head until it's out of reach.

He wants to know what it was like. How it felt, being part of that picture properly. What drew Karkat back, made him so terribly unhappy about where he is now? There's a lot of things.

But for now, he's quiet in following. This journey isn't about him, first and foremost.

[crab]

Their destination ends up only being a couple of blocks away, and for once, Karkat is too focused on his goal and his surroundings to remember to be as much of a raging dick to Blue as possible, and thus doesn't snatch his arm away from the fingers catching at his sleeve.

The closer they get, the more uneasy Karkat feels. On edge, as if expecting some attack or horrible misfortune, the way someone might feel while walking on rotten floorboards, wondering when the ground is going to fall out from underneath them. He tries to keep his emotions under control, but jagged spikes of worry and doubt manage to punch their way through, regardless.

The feeling peaks, when they round the final corner leading up to their destination, and Karkat lays eyes on what he would have called Porter Tower, in another universe.

Only it's not Porter Tower. It's not even really a tower, several stories shorter than the building in Karkat's memory. As they get closer, it becomes apparent it's an electronics store taking the place of their old resident omnipotent AI, and Karkat takes a moment to appreciate the coincidence.

"She wasn't going to be here," Karkat says, without thinking. "I knew that. Of course I fucking knew that."

[firstroar]

She? Blue wonders to himself, staring up at the building. Karkat's memories fill it in like a paint-by-number, with the notions behind it pulled from what Blue himself knows.

She, then...

"Lachesis." Better understanding comes from this, and Blue is quiet, letting it settle in him. He has to wonder why Karkat thought to find her at all here; he said so himself, after all. Same world, different universe. But Blue doesn't really have to wonder for very long...it's not complicated, the way the mind and heart will manipulate cold truths to suit it. Being somewhere so similar, it's not wrong to start to wonder...

Even so, this can't be all he sought, can it? Blue looks back to Karkat, silently wondering, waiting to see what he does.

[crab]

"This is where her tower used to be," Karkat explains, despite the lack of need. "She'd probably be pissed as fuck if she knew there was another Porter stealing her heroes from her. Probably would have sent a buttload of us over here and tasked us with deactivating it. Maybe deliver a hearty fuck you to the Initiative and United Earth for good measure, too."

It's one of the main reasons Karkat truly believes he is a splinter, rather than his original self. A splinter of a splinter, if we're getting technical. If the Porter here truly removed him from Lachesis' domain, in a way that was physical and tangible, he can see no way she would tolerate it, remembering the way she'd talked about her sister.

But dwelling too much on that will lead him down emotional and mental paths he'd rather not have Blue spying on.

"Can you get us onto a bus without them noticing we don't have any money?"

[firstroar]

He tries to imagine it, Lachesis, wrathful. Her voice is beyond his recollection, refitted with the sound of Terras No.5, cold and cruel and as much a symbol of this endless string of manipulations by way of machines as the City's is.

Karkat's request cuts into that, turning his attention back onto the troll properly. He is silent for a moment, considering it, lifting his eyes and watching cars making the turn down the street ahead. The conditions of a bus? He's not familiar with them directly from what his memory gives him, but...

"Yes," he says slowly, still coming to a proper decision. He nods. "Move as if you do, and I can push the implication."