[OPEN] Wait, let me set the record straight: I was never really yours in the first place.

[hostage]

Date & Time: January 9 and onward
Location: in and about town
Characters: Jesse & OPEN to anyone
Summary: A chance for an everyday encounter with Jesse. Put the date in your subject line!
Warnings: Breaking Bad spoilers are likely.

[Jesse might be the only one who finds Exsilium's current state beautiful rather than desolate and depressing. For more reasons than one, if given the choice between here and home, he'd choose here without hesitation. The snow and the chill do nothing to deter him from taking long walks. For as long as he can physically stand it, he prefers the cold over being confined inside four walls.

So he walks. Every day, without any particular destination, without anything else to occupy him. The concerns of the Initiative and the Transports are no longer his own. Whatever they're up to, they mean little to him. He's still got enough stolen Russian gold to pay for whatever he needs without having to work, so that's how he's choosing to live for as long as he's able. His time is spent doing whatever he wants to do, and at the moment, what he wants to do is wander.

Freedom: that's what this is about. No one is ever going to make him do anything ever again.]

Comments

[5055034455]

Why's it so hard for you to believe I care about you when it was so easy for you to believe Walter did?

[hostage]

[He scoffs. What a stupid fucking question.]

[5055034455]

Seriously. Why?

[hostage]

Look at all the shit he did to manipulate me into believing him, and tell me what part of that was easy.

[5055034455]

The part where you believed him.

[hostage]

He made me crazy, Saul. He twisted my whole world up 'til I was crazy and I'd believe anything he said.

[5055034455]

And now you don't believe anything.

[Not that Saul can blame him, but this is kind of his point.]

What do I have to do, Jesse? Do you really want me to stay away from you?

[hostage]

[Trick question, probably. Jesse doesn't know how to answer, so he... doesn't.]

[5055034455]

All you've gotta do is say it. If that's what you want, just... tell me we're done, and I'll go.

[hostage]

[Jesse inhales and exhales slowly, still shaking. He glances at Saul again only briefly before averting his eyes.]

...He didn't kill me. He didn't kill me. I lied.

He was gonna, but then he changed his mind.

He had me tortured, instead. Um, a week. Maybe more than a week. I think they were supposed to kill me, like once I told 'em everything, but they didn't. They just kept going. I dunno... if there was anything they even wanted outta me anymore. Maybe it was just fun for 'em.

[He sniffs, wiping his nose on his sleeve, still looking away from Saul.]

You hear all these stories about prison. You think that's the worst place you could ever end up. And it's just... not. There's so much worse that could happen to you than getting caught, getting locked up.

And it did. It happened to me. All because... nothing. They were supposed to kill me, but they decided to keep me.

[He wrings his hands, dropping his gaze to them.]

So I guess what I really wanna know is... Why me? What'd I do to deserve this? What is it about me that makes you all want... whatever it is you want? Why do you want what he had?

What do you want from me?

[5055034455]

[Saul's stomach twists itself into an even tighter knot, leaving him with clenched teeth. He's not surprised to hear that that's what went down, but...

Shit. What a mess.

He reaches out, hand hovering near Jesse's upper arm like he wants to place it there, but can't.]

I don't want anything from you — we're not home. You don't owe me jack. No money, no apologies, no explanations, nada. Let's get that out in the open, okay?

[hostage]

[Jesse's eyes remain downcast, his voice quiet:]

That's not true. You're mad right now 'cause there's something I'm not giving you.

[5055034455]

[The sound he huffs out is almost a laugh, but not quite.]

You don't get it, do you?

[hostage]

If you're gonna say you care about me, you can save it.

[5055034455]

For what? A rainy day?

[hostage]

I can't listen to that shit anymore.

[5055034455]

Because it's easier to think I'm full of shit, right? Easier to accept? That's okay. I understand. I know how much it sucks when you're hurt by someone you thought gave a damn about you.

[hostage]

[He holds up a hand.]

Stop... saying things're easy. Nothing's easy. You think I like this, knowing what I know? I wish I could forget it and just go back to believing what people tell me. I wanna feel what that feels like again, knowing that somebody cares.

I just can't.

[5055034455]

Fine. I can't fix you, Jesse. I already made the mistake of thinking I could, so —

[So he'd rather not go through that again.]

I'm not gonna stand here and beg you to say you believe me just so I can feel better. But don't shut me out.

[hostage]

Fine.

[As if he could possibly. Saul's going to force himself into his life whether Jesse likes it or not. But please, God, let this really be the end of having to try to make Saul feel better. Jesse can play along with a lot of things, but not that.

Anyway, he's not trying to leave again, so that means he's doing what Saul wants, right?]

[5055034455]

[Saul doesn't know what Saul wants. That's part of the problem.

He sighs.]

You can go if you want.

[hostage]

[Jesse takes a step back, hesitant. He does want to go. But he has that feeling - that feeling that isn't Saul's fault, but Walt's, ultimately - that something bad will happen if he tries to leave.

Such a sick feeling.]

...I'm still staying with Mike. Just so you know.

[There. It's almost like an invitation.]