exsiliumlogs | [closed]

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Date & Time: after this
Location: Dean's apartment
Characters: Dean and John Winchester
Summary: John discovered why his son has so much faith in the angel on his shoulder, and there are many feelings
Warnings: violence, language, memories of hell, winchesters

[He can hardly breathe as he makes his way to Dean's apartment. Hell. Hell. His little boy went to hell. Flashes of the horrors he went through there, horrors that are there with him in every second of every day, nearly have him keel over and throw up halfway there. The raw pain that tore his body apart, now tears his son's. The inhumane screams of horror and agony now escape the throat of the boy he used to hold tightly in his arms and sing to sleep.

How could this happen. His sacrifice was meant to keep them safe.

When he at last finds himself standing before his son's apartment, he can't bring himself to knock on the door. After their last conversation, he doesn't expect Dean to open it, to talk to him. If someone had saved him from those horrors...he imagines he would be damn protective of them too, though never at the expense of his boys. But he's their father, and that's different. He has to talk to Dean so he pulls out his lock-picking kit and just lets himself in.]

Dean. [His voice is clear and held with the last few shreds of control he has left. He doesn't care if his roommates are in, he just wants to make sure his son'll face him, although he hasn't the slightest idea what to even say.]

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[For a long moment, but not nearly long enough, he just clings to his son, wishing he could somehow protect him. Wishing he could take all that pain out of him. Finally with a shaking breath he pulls back, looking Dean in the eyes with tears flowing freely out of his, a look of utter devastation on his face, a look he hasn't worn since Mary was torn away from him, a look not even his own impending doom could get out of him moments before he gave himself up.]

Hell, Dean? Why?

[Sam told him - because of him. And this is his fault. He drilled it into Dean's head all his life - look after Sammy. He should have drilled looking after himself in there too.]

[ hell.

dean freezes completely at the mention of the place that had changed him for good. it's a time and place he's done his best to put behind him, and for the most part he's succeeded if only because life had rolled on and brought with it new twisted turns to deal with. still, it's a word that flashes images of screaming, bleeding people in his head, of being chained down and cut open, of holding a knife and being the one to make people howl in pain. it's something he's never really talked about -- only to sam during a moment of weakness where it had become too much -- and he prefers it that way.

dean pushes himself away from his dad, looking up at the older man's face with a shocked expression of his own. it explains the tears, the hug, but - ]

What're you talking about?

[ both of them know damn well, but fuck it, as if dean's going to admit to anything. not when it's about that. ]

Your brother told me why you trust that angel so much.

[And it's all he can bear to say. He's never talked to anyone about it, about what he's been through day after day after day...how the only thing that kept him sane was knowing that at the end of the day he'll get to spit his never at Alastair's face. But to picture Dean going through the same is just so much worse that having to live with the memories himself.]

Sam told you.

[ sammy had told him. sam had hold their dad about something so private that dean just-- for a moment he doesn't even believe it. it's like him telling dad about sam's blood drinking and choosing ruby and--

and maybe some part of him realizes it was the right thing to do but for sam to just say it? going to hell, breaking in hell, it had all been weakness that had landed him there. he'd been too weak to protect his brother like dad had asked, he'd been too weak to handle the endless torture and unlike his dad he'd broken and taken up the knife and now his dad knows. ]

He's-- [ lying is what dean wants to say, but that seems so ridiculous even to him. ]

He doesn't know what he's talking about. [ because as much as that's not true, it's not the worst lie he could give either. ]

[He doesn't know about that, but even he couldn't fault his son breaking under that pressure.]

Dean. [Once, speaking his name was enough to have his son at the ready to jump at his every command. Now he just wants him to stop lying. A million things he should be saying fly through his mind. But out of all of them the one that actually makes it out is probably the one that's least expected.]

I'm sorry.

[ he's not expecting that. or maybe he is but he doesn't want to hear it. not out of anger but because it had been his own choice to protect sam by selling his soul. he'd like to think he would have done it no matter what, john's training or not. ]

Dad, no, you don't-- [ a sigh. ] It's in the past, okay? Things worked out in the end. [ so can they just not talk about it anymore? thanks. ]

It's-- I just did what I thought was best for Sam.

[In the past? Things worked out? He knows better than anyone how big a load of crap that is.]

Don't give me that crap, Dean. I know. [And while he'll never regret doing what he did to save his boy's life, not even after a million years down there, that doesn't mean he feels the same about him doing it for his brother.]

I know I told you to protect Sammy - but you're just as important, Dean. [And he really...can barely keep it together. The screaming, it won't stop ringing in his ears. The wounds of hell are still so fresh for him - only a few short months have passed and he spent most of them on his own. Sometimes he fears he really is going crazy. Some would say it's overdue. Others would say he lost it a long time ago.] It's the last thing I ever -- [it isn't unusual for John to question his own parenting skills. But right now, he's starting to think he deserves another tour of hell.]

[ scoffing. ]

Are you sayin' I shouldn't have saved him, dad? [ because if not to protect sam, then what was his purpose really? dean won't go into his own self-loathing, but he can't imagine doing anything but whatever is best for sam. yes, he and his brother fight more often than not but at the end of the day it's about keeping sam safe.

...yet then he remembers watching sam jump into hell himself, and the failure that had come with the end of the apocalypse. ]

I couldn't just let him die, not when there was a way to save him.

[It's in this moment that he realizes just how badly he messed up his son. No, as much as losing Sam is a thought he can't even bear to entertain...it would have been better than what he feared was in store for him, what he's absolutely terrified to discover might have already happened. My hands aren't exactly clean either, so maybe you should be telling people to stay away from me.

It's a terrible thing to think but yes. Wasn't it what he ordered Dean to do? Save him or kill him? If he was dying by another's hands...it was life doing their dirty work for them. And it's terrible because he truly loves Sam with all of his heart and had he not sold his soul for Dean, he would have sold it for Sam in a heartbeat. But Dean shouldn't have.]

No. You shouldn't have. Dean -- you're worth just as much -- you deserve to live -- just as much.

[Just as much as he doesn't.]

[ no, no, no -- that goes against everything he's grown up believing. for john to say he should have let sam die? no. there's no let sam die in dean's head, not when there is a way out. he'd found it, he'd taken it and he'd do it again, and again, and again in a heartbeat if it spared his brother's life.

for the first time he looks downright angry with his dad, jaw set and defiance rolling off him in waves while he steps away. ]

How can you say that, dad? After everything you think I'd just let him die when-- no, Sam's going places, always has been and I'd do it again if I could. [ He has to take a breath, voice about to crack but he won't let it. ]

I just, I thought - [ john would understand, hell, some part thought he'd be proud of what he'd done even if it had ended with dean picking up the blade eventually. ]

So are you. [God help him how he screwed over the most important person in his life. And he deserves that anger, he knows he does. To say 'you should have let your brother die' is terrible. But is it really worse than 'if you can't save him, kill him?' He has to be honest with himself, he crossed that line a long time ago.]

That's not a way out, Sammy...he's smart. But he's...I think you know better than I do. [He doesn't know what Sam did, but he must have done something] And you -- you're a good man. You deserve to live. [This is all his fault.] And I should have made it damn clear - but I'm making it now. If you could? Never do it again. For anyone. [Right now he'd sell his soul to make Dean understand his own worth] You're supposed to live. [It's what he died for.]

[ he just can't believe it. all those years growing up were make sure sammy is safe, protect sammy, he is your responsibility, keep your brother safe, dean and now he's being told he should have let sam die? to what? save himself? what does his dad take him for. ]

Screw that! I ain't about to promise you something like that, dad. No freakin' way. [ as much as it might have broken him, dean would march right back to hell if he had to. ] You can hate my friend, you can say I'm not your son but I'm not about to let Sammy get hurt because you say so.

[ and with that he huffs, and turns. as far as he knows, he has nothing else to say to his dad not if this what they're going to talk about. this a useless conversation because dean's not about to change anything. ]

I'm not saying throw him to the dogs, Dean, I'm saying don't throw yourself! Goddammit -- [And the moment he turns away from him, he punches the wall as hard as he can. The wall cracks along with his fist] sonofabitch [he mutters, not actually giving a fuck. It hurts, but nothing really hurts after what he's been through.] You're my son, Dean. And I'm not gonna let you throw your life away. I'm here now and if anything happens to Sam, I'll take care of it. But you've got to take care of yourself - [Because he won't be able to bear it if he loses Dean. And maybe it's too late, maybe he's already lost to him. So much time has passed, he's missed so much in his life that Dean really is...a completely different man now. A man who bore burdens he shouldn't have. A man who faced horrors that should have been his and his alone. A man he broke. And what right has he now to anything from him? But he can't let him keep sacrificing himself. To sacrifice happiness is one thing, they always had their own strange brand of happiness. But his life...a world without Dean is not one he wants existing.]

[ here comes the fight he's been expecting. dean turns around -- jumps more like at the sound of the wall breaking beneath his dad's fist -- but he doesn't let it shake the anger off his face. ]

I'm not throwing my life away, not when I'm protecting him! [ that's what it's always been about and it should be enough, right? and how can he just suddenly not look after sam? there's a shake of his head at the things john says. ]

Sam's my responsibility.

No, Dean. I had no one else I could trust, so I threw him at you, and you did good. You did better than anyone could ask. But your responsibility now -- it so yourself.

[And it takes every bit of his self restraint not to grab his son and shake him, or to break down right there and then, not to eat his own gun in disgust. It's too late, isn't it? There's no way he could ever fix things with Dean. He raised a son whose life revolves around taking care of his brother, and this is the result.]

I'm your father. You're both my responsibility. [And he should have protected him, he should have protected him from hell. What kind of father is he, that he pushed his son to do something like that? He can feel the knife vividly against his skin, digging deeper and deeper inside him. To think of that same knife digging into Dean...he's starting to fear he will never sleep again. The desperation is clear on his face.

He is proud of Dean, for always looking out for Sammy. But hell is not a price he should have ever had to pay.]

But- [ but it's always been him and sam, sam and dean, the winchester brothers. they're a duo, and dean looks after sam whether the younger winchester likes it or not. it's been that way for so long, for every second since the fire that took their mom.

the anger fades momentarily, replaced by a sort of weariness. before finding himself in exsilium, dean hadn't seen sam in a long time. he'd been snatched from him attollo, so to have him here again but to not look after him the only way he knows how?

dean just doesn't know what to do with what john is asking him. so he asks almost randomly; ]

And what about Cas? Am I still your responsibility even with him around? You were kinda quick to- [ disown me, he wants to say but bites it back. ]

Dean, you're always my responsibility. [He has a temper, he's always had a temper. But even if this hadn't happened Dean would still be his priority] Everything I do, everything I did - it's because I want to protect you. You and your brother -- you're all I have. [And he's struggles now, what is the purpose of his living, after everything? It has to be to look after Dean and Sam, right?] I only want you to be safe.

[And he didn't think Dean would actually choose the freak over his own family. It hurts to realize how little he means now.]

I'll call a truce. I still have my eye on him and if he hurts anyone, you know what I'll have to do. But the past can stay there. [Because saving Dean from hell is worth a town. Heck to John it's worth a country.]

[ he wants them to be safe and dean can respect that. but they haven't been safe in years, not even when dad had been alive. dean had almost gotten himself electrocuted to death while sam had almost been taken by the ghost-creature in the mirror. their lives had lost all meaning of safe when hunting had been introduced and while he doesn't, would never, blame dad for it, to ask him to change his one duty and give it over to someone else...

dean knows he can't do that.

but for now he nods, like he understands. ] I know, dad.

[ green eyes widen at the mention of a truce. ] Seriously? You won't harm him if he doesn't do anything-- I mean, he won't, I know he won't, dad. [ he doesn't quite dare a smile of relief yet though it's threatening to tug at his lips all the same. ]

[He's always straggled with that - with the guilt of putting them through that life style. But what other choice did he have? Those things came after them and getting them first was the only way he knew how to keep them safe. He's never been a model father, God knows he's left them on their own far too long and it's too late to jump back in, he has no right to.

But he can't help it, he just wants them to be safe. Wants them to live.

He nods.]

Yes, so long as he doesn't do anything, I won't do anything either. But you better keep him on a leash, that mouth of his could get us all in trouble.

[Or rather him, and if people discover their relation...his boys. It seems it will never be safe for him to be around them, for him to proudly admit 'those are my sons'. It hurts, but it's the life he created for himself. And maybe that's why hell couldn't break him - he's been living in it for decades long before he ever set foot in it.]

[ ~~oh, he'll keep a leash on him no doubt B)~~ ]

Keep an eye on him, a leash, whatever-- but don't worry, I will. [ last thing he needs is cas bumping into his dad on the network again and telling him all sorts of things about...everything. honestly, he needs to just talk to cas in general about talking to people. it seems to get dean more trouble than anything.

but anyway, dean finally looks...relieved, even with john knowing about hell. it's not something he wants to talk about, but maybe they'll be okay anyway. ]

Thanks-- I mean, I know he's annoying but thanks. He won't mess up, I'll make sure of that.

I can deal with annoying.

[If he saved him from hell...the place he sees no exit from, aside for this...initiative. And that's not really an exit as much as a...reprieve. He stirs up trouble, he knows he does. And one move too many, and he'll end up right back there. Or win that war, and again he'll end up right back there. On that rack, day after day, forever. No angel perching on his shoulder to save him and honestly, if one tried he'd probably just kill it so no hard feelings there.

Where Dean looks relieved, John just looks like he wants it all to end right here right now, like he's given up, like a broken man.]

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