exsiliumlogs | (no subject)

[There are parts of the city they can't go to anymore, thanks to the bombings. Fortunately, the store they usually shop at for groceries and the neighborhood surrounding it remained fairly unscathed. It's been a long month, dealing with the aftermaths of the last mission and the fevers, not to mention Sis and Seto and the other Dan members showing up. They desperately needed a break. But for now, they'll have to put it off again. There was business to take care of, the Dan to think about, what next to focus on...

Kano's exhausted and beginning to dislike living in this world. But he can plod on for a while longer if he tucks away those feelings. If they concentrate on tackling the little things like grocery shopping first, they'll be fine. Those other issues... he'll shove them aside for now.

He has two baskets worth of food. It doesn't hurt to stock up, especially since the Dan's numbers went up.]

Hey, Kido. Is that it?

[Kido still feels a little sick but she strikes that up to stress. Too much going on, not enough of it something she can help with and her head starts to throb if she thinks too long. No, she knows she can't ignore everything and for some reason people still call her Leader but... she needs a quiet moment to sort through all this.

Things are bound to be dying down now though, right?

She looks over the baskets and checks a crumpled list from her pocket.] Yeah, looks good. Let's get going.

[She notices a few people talking in whispers at the counter with the store owner but considering how much people have been through, privacy is probably all they have right now. It doesn't mean anything.

Except... the people hurry away and the owner asks them, in a strange tone Kido doesn't recognise from her, that she'll take the baskets but they have to leave.]

...Huh? Ah, everything's fine, we have enough to cover it-

[It's not a money issue. She doesn't want their money. They're upsetting everyone, so please leave immediately.]

Upsetting who? Them? [Kido shoots the gossipers a look. What's going on here?] We didn't do anything. Look, things are rough, but we'll pay and go so...

[Something in their eyes stirs a familiar feeling. It makes her sick. What is this? Why... does she feel like she can hear them thinking? Ghost, monster, go away but that can't be it, right? But the way they're looking...]

[He can feel the atmosphere thicken, the stares of those gossipers digging into his back. No, it's not just the gossipers, is it? The other customers are shooting looks their way too. They're uncomfortably familiar and he remembers a long ago memory of trying to tug down his sleeves over bruises to keep away prying stares from his mother. But... they're safe here. Even with the bombings and the mission and the deaths, the people can't be so stupid that they'd like that, right?

(That's a weak lie, even from him. It's unfolding right now.)

The owner's insisting that they have to go.]

Look, look, if there's a problem we can talk it out--

[That's not an option. Leave right away. Kano looks back at the gossipers, addressing them directly with a fake smile.]

Ah, it'd be nice to know what we were being thrown out for.

Edited (wooooording) 2013-06-16 07:42 (UTC)

[Kido, too, starts to remember walking down carpeted hallways, wanting to disappear. She reminds herself not to let her eyes turn red, though. That won't help. But...

But these people have never seen their eyes. Why are they looking at them like this? Why is everything falling apart? She takes a breath and turns back to the owner.]

It's because... we're not like you guys, is that it?

[It must come out as a growl, because the tension starts to choke her like smoke.]

What the hell does that matter?! You guys ran away to come here! We've been doing our best so you can all have a future. We didn't ask for this, we-

[She gets cut off, though. Don't make them call someone.

One of the customers adds the attacks wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for all of you!

Kido spins around, eyes briefly flashing red.]

Oi, what did you say?! Say that again! Tell me it's our fault again-!

[Ah. He recognizes that tone of voice, the expressions on the customers' faces now. He feels like his gut is twisting underneath his anger--after everything they've been through, this has to happen too?

He steps in front of Kido, tuning his smile to an apologetic one. Don't show them that you're angry. If you waved everything off with a smile, they can't prove anything.

So he preforms for them, giving a light laugh with an embarrassed look.]

Sorry, sorry. We didn't mean to cause a fight! We'll go now. [He glances back at Kido.] Right, Kido?

[Kido turns to him, unable to understand. She wants to hide. But the only way to stop that feeling, the only way that's ever worked for her, is to be loud. The more she wants to disappear, the more she shouts.]

Kano! We don't have to take this from them! They can't just accept us when it's convenient for them! I won't take that!

[Not after recent events, not knowing what people before them have been through.]

[And where Kido learned to be loud, Kano learned to be quiet, to hide things with a mask, because shouting and screaming back only increased the whispers, the rumors that surrounded you. So it was better to accept little jabs like these than to fan the flames.

It makes him just as angry as her. But these people don't deserve to see that anger. It's cheating, but he grabs her hand and turns around to face her.]

It's not a big deal, Leader. We'll just go to another store. It's their loss, anyway.

[She hesitates, her anger stalling for only a moment but it's enough. Kido grabs the baskets from him and tosses them on the counter. A small, petty satisfaction blooms when she sees the food spill everywhere.]

Fine, we're going.

[She knows she doesn't have to keep holding his hand but she does as she storms out, pulling him as far away from the store as she can before she lets go. Kido doesn't speak, thoughts blurring, overriding each other with one feeling after another until she suddenly kicks a wall.]

Damn it! I...

[But she trails off and stands there, hanging her head.]

[Kano doesn't resist as she pulls him along. He doesn't look back, even when he hear the whispers starting again before the doors close behind them. When she lets go he rubs his wrist, about to suggest that they go back instead when she kicks the wall, making him jump.

It's cold outside. Despite the fact that it'd be warmer in thicker clothes, he chose to keep his hoodie and to layer his shirts instead. Maybe he should've used his eyes to disguise himself. Maybe Kido should've hid them.

But there's never been a reason for them to hide in Exsilium. Despite the war, despite everything, they weren't viewed as strange or monsters. Now, even that was taken away from them.

It was only a matter of time, he supposed. He stands beside her, rubbing his hands together.]

... let's go.

No!

[She doesn't look up, shaking her head hard enough to give herself a headache. Her fists ball up at her sides. And, without thinking, the words start to come out.]

We don't have to listen to them! They need us! We... We... [No. They don't need them specifically. What have they done? In reality, they haven't done much, have they? When she thinks about it, they've never been key to any mission. They had fun and caused trouble and in the last one they...

As soldiers, they're worthless. As heroes, they failed. They're just kids. They...]

...We...We didn't ask for this, we- They don't have the right, they don't have the right to look at us like that! They want normal lives? What do they think we want? They don't care, they-

[Breathe. She's forgetting to breathe and it shows. Or maybe it's just that every word brings her closer to the verge of something she doesn't want to think about but old wounds never really disappear, just leaving scars they hide under false heroism.]

[They were given these same looks back home, almost all throughout their lives until they learned to hide the red in their eyes by hiding in the shade of their hoodies. But back home, they could do something. Back home, they had a semblance of an idea of what to do. It's all lost here. It's as if the clock had turned backwards and they were little again, scrutinized for any differences, no matter how slight, to be pushed around and bullied by.]

You're right, you're right. They don't care.

[It's inevitable. People will always find something in someone who didn't fit in and magnify it to paint them as monsters or villains or whatever it was to help them sleep better at night. They ignored the good, like they ignored how kind his mother could be when she wasn't angry, how bright Kido was when she wasn't forced to hide. It isn't fair. They don't have the right. But they'll do it anyway. That's a certainty.

So ignore it. Laugh it off. Plug your ears to it all and deceive, because if you cover it up enough, their words can't hurt you. They can't hate you for something they can't pinpoint.]

But we don't have to care either. [He rests his hand on her back. She doesn't deserve to be shoved down like this again and again.]

[She knows she won't care soon. Logically, she knows that. It's the same way she stopped caring about everything else. This, too, will someday be a funny story to tell everyone. Like the time she burned, like the time her eyes failed her, like any other bad point in her life, she can make those feelings disappear.

They needed her to be good at disappearing, because when she couldn't, they had to remember why she existed. Her father's mistakes and the trouble it caused, all the trouble she always caused them, even these eyes that couldn't hide her right.

Why did they leave being a Leader to the one who was slowest to get things right anyway? But she can't shove this on Ayano. Even if maybe Ayano would be better for it-

Kido feels his hand on her back and her shoulders start to shake. It's dizzying. She wants to go home. Why did everyone come now? Why did those days have to end where everything was fun? They could have enjoy normal days, too. They deserve it. None of them deserve this again.]

Kano, don't you hate them too? [She's disgusted by the tremor in her voice.] Ah, sometimes- sometimes, wouldn't it be better to just...

[She stops. That word. No, no, she won't wish for it again. She shakes her head again instead of continuing.]

No.

[He does. Sometimes, he's amazed by the amount of hate he can harbor in his heart--the majority aimed at himself like knives, the rest spread thin as veiled disdain for those who didn't understand and couldn't understand. They haven't experienced what they've been through. They weren't likely to ever, and he wouldn't wish it upon them.

But that hate isn't for anyone to see or touch. If he displayed it like the scars on his skin used to be paraded, he'd certainly be hated in return and abandoned, with only himself to blame. It's better to seal it with a smile. That's what they want to see. Give them what they want, undermine their expectations so they can leave you alone.

It certainly would be easier to disappear, wouldn't it? They wouldn't have to worry about these sorts of things. Maybe it would've been better if they stayed dead. What made them special enough to live, anyway...?

To disappear... it would be a cheap escape he'd allow himself. Kido and Seto and Ayano and the rest of the Dan, however... he knows how wonderful they can be.

For their sakes, he'll stay in this terrible world.

For their sakes, he'll make sure that they won't vanish, even if those judging eyes taunted them to.

His hand slides to her shoulder and he gives it a squeeze.]

They don't know any better, that's all. It's best to ignore them.

Liar. You hate them too. I know you do.

[Her eyes burn. It hurts even when she rubs them, spreading fast down her throat and into her stomach. Why does it hurt so much? Why is she letting them hurt her?

Kido pulls away, not because she doesn't want his comfort - he's the only one who always held her hand, who always found her - but she doesn't want him to see the hot tears squeezing out of her eyes. She faces a wall and tries to breathe.]

Don't say they don't know better. I hate people like them. I want them to disappear.

[She doesn't want him to see that her eyes turned red. She doesn't want him to think she wants someone else to disappear.]

Maybe you should've wished for that instead.

[They didn't have control over their wishes when they died. But it would've been easy to shift the blame that way. Instead of wishing for herself to disappear, she could've grown up wishing for a way to make those who hurt her disappear. In the end, she didn't. That sort of wish wasn't the sort Kido would want.

She's hurt and angry right now, like he is, and she's doing a poor job at hiding her tears. He leans against the wall.]

Anyways, they'll have to eat their own words after we help fix the city.

[Even right now, she wouldn't trade wishes. Why punish everyone else? But her chest hurts. She never wanted other people to look at her this way. It wasn't her fault - in retrospect, she knows that - but she still doesn't want others to carry a burden, to be forced with anything they didn't ask for.]

What the hell... You still want to help them? They hate us!

Ah, but that's our mission. We'll still be in a bad situation if we choose not to help them.

[It's not for the natives. It'd be better to fix this mess up as quickly as possible, so they'll be more comfortable here. They can't really go home, can they? That'd mean returning to a world without Sis, wouldn't it...?]

Besides, besides, Leader's not the type to drop a mission.

Edited (adding variety to my tag lies down) 2013-06-16 23:18 (UTC)

[She rests her head against the wall. Kano staying so calm pisses her off. All of this, everything, it's like when they were children. And she was so, so helpless back then, following Sis or Kano around, hiding with Seto, trying to be someone less fragile and failing. Right now, she's that disappearing girl again. She squeezes her eyes shut.

How stupid. Calling her Leader? Don't make fun of her! But she doesn't say it out loud, keeping the shouting in her mind.

Calm down calm down she isn't that person and Kano's even grown up, too. They all have, they're moving past those days, so why... did all of this happen...?]

I'm tired.

[It'd been nice to indulge in normalcy for once. In not having to worry about attracting dirty looks or names whenever they walked the streets. But it was never meant to last, was it? For some reason, this hurt more than the bombs.

... no, he understands why. The reason's right before him.

He takes her by the hand, settling his other arm over her shoulders.]

Let's go home, then.

[She allows that comfort. All she's been doing is taking comfort from him but she rests her head against his shoulder for now. Just until she stops crying.]

...We still need to get groceries.

We can get them later. It's not a big deal.

We didn't come out here for nothing.

[He understands.]

If Leader insists... I think there's another one we can try nearby! You might want to dry off first. You're sure to catch a cold with all that water on you.

Huh? Ah-

[Her tears, right. Kido scrubs at her face with her free hand. It was totally just raining on her face.]

...Well, we should use our eyes if we do, so it's not as though anyone will see me.

... don't bother using yours. That's overkill! Mine works just fine if we hold hands.

June 21st; Kido

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